10 Powerful Ways to Become the Narcissists’ Nightmare Now

Narcissist abuse experts like Shahida Arabi inspire novel approaches.

At 27 years old, I’ve spent 26 years being abused by narcissists. My healing journey started nine months ago when my therapist helped me identify two narcissists in my close family (one overt, one covert).

Having been primed for toxic relationships, I connected with many narcissists in my adult life, including an incredibly traumatizing ex-boyfriend. My coping mechanisms included overachieving, people-pleasing, and codependent behaviors.

Most days, I feel proud of my progress; I’m beginning to be authentic and love myself deeply. But attracting more narcissists frequently happens for abuse survivors; I’m not immune.

Despite pouring into topic research, seeing a narcissist survivor life coach, participating in multiple support groups, and documenting my healing journey, I met another covert narcissist. After carefully interviewing Luther (fake name), I invited him to join my living environment.

While I felt overwhelmed and angry at my discovery, my coach remarked, “Look how much faster you identified the traits this time around. That’s a huge win!” I agree. Plus, I get to use this low-pressure situation to develop my narcissist-resistant skills.

Pathology experts estimate somewhere between 60 and 150 million people experience narcissist abuse in the U.S. alone. Whether you’re healing from narcissistic abuse or curious about the topic, becoming the narcissist’s nightmare empowers you to increase personal power, cultivate mindfulness, and build healthier relationships.

Although recovering our intuition and rebuilding self-worth takes time, I synthesized some approaches I’ve been using so you can take informed action now. Here are ten things* you can do right now to become the narcissist’s nightmare:

*Shahida Arabi, the author of “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare,” along with abuse experts such as Debbie Mirza, Eleanor Payson, Melody Beattie, and John Goulet, helped to inform this article.

1. Devalue the narcissist in your mind.

If you’re like me, you fell for their false selves completely. Narcissists excel at charming and manipulating others into seeing them in the most flattering light. They may feel like your soulmate, the person who understands and values you the most.

That’s what happened with my narcissist ex-boyfriend. I considered him as a hyper-successful, uber-charming, brilliant sex god. But he’s not.

“This is a type of love story where the happy ending lies in not finding Prince Charming. Rather, it lies in the realization that he never existed at all,” says Arabi.

Narcissists are mean, abusive people who do not experience empathy or remorse. They do not deserve our praise and adoration; that only enables the abuse.

When we’re around narcissists, we have to remind ourselves of who they truly are. With Luther, I use this tactic constantly. He’ll put on a charming, charismatic, and humble persona, and despite all the work I’ve done, I feel myself falling for it sometimes. Then I remember.

When we stop falling for narcissists’ false selves, we increase our immunity.

2. Starve them of your attention.

Narcissists choose people to be in their lives because of what those people supply for them. That’s it. Narcissists see you as an energy source to meet their needs. Your emotions, reactions, and personal information only feed the abuse.

We have to starve them of our attention. When Luther announces a new accomplishment, shares gossip, or gives unsolicited advice, I respond with dead-pan answers or an unimpressed nod. I refuse to be an energy supply for another narcissist.

Be gentle with yourself because this behavior likely feels unfamiliar to you. Try praising yourself each time you deny the narcissist of your gratitude, empathy, secrets, opinions, engagement, interest, or openness.

“Narcissists are emotional vampires. They want you to get upset so that you’ll lose your composure and make it easier for them to step in and manipulate you,” said Christine Schoenwald, narcissist abuse survivor.

Don’t fuel their bottomless craving for attention.

3. Idealize yourself like you admired the narcissists.

Narcissist abuse victims are often highly empathetic, intelligent, capable, and loving people. Yet, the narcissists made our strengths look like weaknesses. They ridiculed our values and demeaned our emotions.

We used to admire them, seeing all their strengths as superior. But now that we know the truth, we can use that energy to idealize ourselves.

When I read this concept in Arabi’s book, I felt exhilarating freedom. I turned up the hip-hop music in my headphones and danced the whole way home from the grocery store. Woah, I’m actually the one who’s brilliant, charming, creative, and a sex god. Damn, I’m awesome!

Our self-worth has been starving for long enough. It’s time to give ourselves a heavy dose of admiration.

4. Validate yourself instead of waiting for others.

I’ve struggled a lot with needing external validation. I experience this sensation most days, a longing for others to recognize my value. Now, I voice what I hope others will see in me and acknowledge those traits for myself.

I even wrote myself a love song because our relationship with ourselves matters immensely; it’s the most important one.

We also don’t have to convince anyone else that these people are narcissists. When we discover them in our lives, we can walk away quietly, freeing ourselves.

Validating yourself feels especially tough in the early days of discovery. For most of us, our self-worth and intuition are at an all-time low. But the more we practice owning our feelings, needs, and stories, the less we need someone else to affirm us.

When we don’t crave external validation, we grow resilient to narcissists’ manipulations.

5. Stop expecting others to change.

In an abuse support group, I learned that this is one of the most common pitfalls. The truth is, no one else has to heal for us to recover.

It’s hard because we desperately want them to change; we can’t imagine losing this person.

In “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists,” Payson describes the need for victims to mourn after discovering narcissists. They will never be the brother, sister, father, mother, partner, boss, friend, or coworker we needed. It’s like they died; we’ve experienced an enormous loss.

Just before the discovery, I repeatedly tried to make them understand, bravely sharing details of my emotional pain. Maybe they don’t realize how much they’re hurting me.

The abusers will never validate the reality of the abuse; your recovery depends on you.

6. Share your story with other abuse survivors.

Without first-hand experience, most people can’t comprehend what some refer to as “soul-rape.”

Since my narcissist discovery coincided with quarantine, my social engagement halted drastically. Now, approaching this topic with old friends feels a bit like walking into a minefield. I desperately want them to acknowledge my bravery and validate my pain, but I’m scared they’ll pity me or even question my sanity. These feelings are common for survivors, and victim-shaming makes our experience exponentially worse.

Instead, I’ve found more comfort and validation through abuse support groups. We’ve all experienced horrible abuse from people we loved. There’s a feeling of freedom and openness, knowing we can empathize and hold space for each other’s experiences.

Arabi describes this approach as triangulating. While the narcissists surround themselves with people they’ve dazzled, we can triangulate by building communities of people who validate our stories and new selves.

7. Get out of the “drama triangle.”

“The only way to ‘escape’ the drama triangle is to function as an ‘adult’ and not participate in the game,” says Goulet.

Defined by Dr. Stephen Karpman in 1968, this social dynamic includes three roles: “victim,” “prosecutor,” and “rescuer.” If you’ve been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist or other emotionally immature people, you’ve probably experienced these dynamics or been around people who do.

After exploring the model, I recognized these behaviors, sometimes in myself and often from a family member. As adults, we can choose our responses; we can step out of the drama triangle. When this person uses blame or guilt-trips, I process my emotions and respond in a more grounded way.

Lately, I’ve also noticed myself getting stuck in “victim” thought patterns, like mini anxiety attacks. I continuously identify what’s happening and remind myself of my strengths.* Then, I clarify my goals, the obstacles and take action to move forward.

*People with codependent behaviors tend to vastly under-estimate their own abilities. Remembering this helps a lot too.

I encourage you to learn about the drama triangle model to avoid wasted energy and unhelpful patterns.

8. Honor yourself by setting firm boundaries.

Learning how to set firm boundaries takes time. But you can start right now by identifying places where your limits feel foggy. You can practice asserting your needs in any relationship.

“To maintain your limits over the long haul, you need to have the conviction that the limit is necessary and appropriate. Conviction comes when you know how much it costs not to have the limit in place,” says Darlene Lancer, LMFT.

I recently wrote about the time I almost killed myself as I was trying to end my relationship with the narcissist boyfriend. A lifetime of narcissistic abuse led me to believe I was worthless. When you have nothing to lose, some things become clear. Fragmenting myself to please others has never led to healthy relationships or genuine love.

In addition to honoring yourself, asserting your needs gives you the chance to see how others respond. If anyone disrespects or belittles your feelings, they don’t deserve your time. They do not have your best interest at heart.

“Because you stand so firmly in your truth, you make no compromises when it comes to what’s important to you,” says Arabi.

9. Become a self-care warrior.

Pouring time into mindfulness practice and exercise every day has become critical for me. When we strengthen our bodies, we empower our minds. When we cultivate presence, we turn chaos into calm. We see new opportunities.

Do whatever you need to feel strong, healthy, and engaged. Here are some of my routines:

• Journal daily. I use the “morning pages” practice from “The Artist Way” to write three stream-of-consciousness pages. This practice grounds me in my authentic feelings, needs, and desires. I also usually write about worries and gratitude in the evening to increase my appreciation and sleep quality.
• Sleep well. Our sleep is sacred. From the “Why We Sleep” book, I learned that getting consistently high-quality sleep may be the best way to strengthen our immune systems. I gift my body with consistency in my bedtime and wind-down routines.
• Exercise daily. I focus on getting at least 30 minutes of exercise each day. That might be walking, doing yoga, lifting weights, biking, hiking, dancing, or a combination.

I also give myself three healthy meals each day, drink tons of water, and cultivate authentic creativity through writing.

Healing from narcissistic abuse means reconnecting more deeply with ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves, we become the narcissists’ nightmare.

10. Expand your life outside of the narcissists.

The three close narcissists in my life consumed a lot of mental time and energy. I loved them dearly and wanted to make them happy.

For many of us, narcissistic abuse includes becoming more isolated, drained, and depressed. We lose our sense of connectedness and joy in the world.

To become the narcissists’ nightmare, we have to expand ourselves and our connections. As I’ve been healing, I finally bought a guitar and keyboard to make music. I took that local dance class I’d been eyeing. I visited new parks in the city for hiking and biking adventures.

Do yourself a favor by expanding your hobbies and interests, both new and old, even if you don’t feel like it. Harvard researchers suggest doing enjoyable new activities makes us more resilient. The most beneficial activities combine brain stimulation, physical activity, and social engagement.

“Your independence makes you a terrifying target not to be messed with because they know you can survive on your own and leave at any time,” says Arabi.

How are you becoming the narcissist’s nightmare? What would you add to this cheat sheet?

Whether you grew up with narcissists or developed codependency from other toxic relationships, the damage didn’t happen overnight. Our healing won’t happen overnight either. But we have to continue creating momentum to make change; it doesn’t happen organically.

We are well-resourced to recover from this horrible experience.

Narcissists don’t use us because we’re weak or pathetic; they target us because they think we’re better than them. They know that we have so much to offer.

Despite the deep pain I’ve experienced throughout my life and these last nine months, I’m beginning to feel free. As I continuously own my recovery, validate myself, set boundaries, and rebuild my self-worth, I feel open to new opportunities. I asked out the guy I’d been crushing on, reached out to someone I admire, planned a beach trip, shared original music, and wrote publicly about my healing journey.

After hearing and witnessing many survivor stories, it’s clear that our crisis fuels transformation.

“Go as far as you can see. When you get there, you can see farther.” — Melody Beattie.

I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Join the Weekly Love News on my website to receive free newsletters each Tuesday in your inbox.