Stop teaching your child to hide their emotional needs

By making your life more convenient, you may actually be teaching your child to hide their emotional needs in the future.

by: E.B. Johnson

Our childhood is an important time in which we grow and form into the people we are going to become, inside and out. We watch everything that happens around us and we absorb it; making sense of it with our child’s brain as best we can. Our parents teach us more than how to walk and talk. They also teach us how to recognize and manage things like our emotional states. Have you taught your child healthy ways to cope with their emotions, or are you setting them up for a struggle that will last a lifetime? The answer is more complex than you think

Children see lessons in everything.

The child’s brain sees lessons in everything. Think of it a bit as a computer. In childhood, the human brain is revving up — downloading the content that will form the basis for all the programs we build later in life (think relationships, decision making, etc). We watch as our parents teach us both overt and covert lessons, which follow us through life and inform the type of people we become.

Among these lessons is that of emotional recognition and regulation. Our children learn how to handle their emotions from both the examples that we set, and the way in which we handle their emotions too. What happens when your child has a meltdown? What do you do with them when they express anger? Or sadness? Or anxiety?

Adults who struggle to express their emotions have one thing in common: they all started as children who were taught that they were not safe to express their emotions. Rather than shutting your child down or dismissing their perspective, we have to learn to respect them and listen to them (so they can do the same for themselves in adulthood). Stop teaching your child to hide their emotional needs from you and everyone else.

How you teach your children to hide their emotional needs.

While some may teach their children to intentionally hide or withhold their emotions, an even greater number of parents actually teach this lesson covertly. By dismissing your child when they’re upset, playing preferential treatment, or even reversing the roles — you can find your child grows into an insecure adult who is unable to speak their mind or communicate their emotions effectively.

Preferential treatment

Unintentionally, parents can teach their children that their emotions aren’t important through preferential treatment. Perhaps one sibling has needs that require more attention than another sibling. This can lead to off-balanced support which teaches this second child that they should keep themselves quiet and in the background.

Downplaying feelings

One of the most common ways we teach our children not to express their emotional needs is through the downplaying of feelings. When you child has come to you upset in the past, have you ever told them, “It’s not that bad,” or You’re fine,”? This can teach our children to ignore what their brain or body is telling them. In the wrong context, this sets a warped idea.

Failing to meet needs

Children have an array of needs, and this includes the material basics like food and shelter, but it also includes emotional basics like support and love. When the parents don’t meet the child’s emotional needs, it can teach them that those needs are not valid at all. Maybe the parent refuses to listen, or they shut down and leave the room whenever their child tries to get their attention. They aren’t present or loving when it’s needed most.

Being labeled too soon

Labeling our children can be incredibly toxic and corrosive to their sense of self in adulthood. When our children become used to being told they are “dramatic” or “too sensitive” by sources of power in their life — they come to see their feelings as worthless or invalid. In adulthood, they can become insecure and weak when it comes to standing up for themselves.

Being praised for low emotion

Not all emotional smothering is taught through negative reinforcement. Sometimes, parents use positive reinforcement to teach their children to behave more conveniently with their emotions. They praise the child when they show no emotion and teach them that receive love and appreciation only when they keep quiet and out of the way.

Reversing the roles

Not all parent-child relationships are built the way we expect them to be. Sometimes, the child has to assume responsibility at a young age or become the peacekeeper and caretaker in a chaotic or dysfunctional household. Maybe the parent suffers from severe mental illness or addiction, or they simply aren’t investing in being a parent at all. Either way, the child learns to bury their emotions in order to keep themselves together for survival.

Abusive molding

Abusive molding is one of the most common ways in which we teach our children to stifle their emotions. Most commonly, this occurs when a child grows up in an abusive household and learns to walk on eggshells or “make themselves small” in order to avoid conflict. These children are taught from a young age to cater and respond according to the adult’s mood, and that pattern carries on into their adult relationships.

Shaming and teasing

One of the most toxic ways in which parents weaponize emotions against their children is by making fun of the child for their feelings. They may tease them for crying, or engage in shaming them for expressing doubt, fear or insecurity. Parents who engage in this technique teach their children that they will be rejected for being emotional or expressing how they’re feeling.

Outright dismissal

Outright dismissal is one of the most common ways in which parents teach their children to hide or withhold their emotions. You may recall a time in which your own parents dismissed your feelings. This happens when our children open up only to be met with a parent who tells them to “stop being silly” or “quit being so emotional”. This lesson to hand, the child learns that it’s never safe to share their emotions. They come to associate feelings with being unsafe.

Teaching our children better ways to manage their emotional needs.

As parents, it’s important to be conscious of our child’s emotional development and the lessons they are taking on board. We have to teach them that their emotions are good, and we have to teach them how to communicate those emotions without being controlled by them. That happens by adopting respect, dropping judgement, and making the home environment safe.

1. Create a two-way street of respect

We live with this idea that our children owe us respect, but we don’t always live with the same idea that we also owe them respect. Although you may bring your children into the world, they are not yours. Your job is to foster the and teach them, but fundamentally you are entering into a relationship with them which will one day change (and potentially end).

Your children need to know that you respect them in order to feel safe enough to share their emotions with you. Beyond that, they need to know that they are deserving of respect and of honor in all their future relationships. Teach them that you respect them and the things they need from you.

Be there for your child and support them. Show your unconditional affection for them and build a strong base of affection that allows emotions to blossom authentically. This is setting the stage for comfortable, effective, and honest communication in the future. When your children know they are honored, they will begin to feel safe with you.

2. Make it safe for them to share

Being respectful of our children sets the stage for the creation of a safe environment in which sharing is encouraged. Doing this can be tricky to the parent who is used to dominating the home environment, though. Part of making it safe for the child to express themselves is consciously making space for them to express themselves as needed.

If you want your child to become an emotionally well-adjusted adult, then you need to create a safe environment in which your child knows they can come to you and express their feelings and their needs openly and without fear of judgement.

If your child tells you they are angry, don’t tell them to be quiet and go to their room. Question that anger and help them learn to question that anger too. Where does it come from? What is the child really upset with? Work through all emotions this way. Instead of telling them to “toughen up,” encourage them to express their emotions in a calm and collected way.

3. Always show your children acceptance

Making a safe space for your child only works if the receiving end is judgement free. That is to say, you’re not really making it safe for your child to express their emotions if you then judge them for opening up to you. You’ve got to love your child unconditionally, and that means extending compassion to the way they’re being affected (even when that doesn’t agree with our ego).

Never judge your child or treat them differently for what they choose to share with you. Be a removed third-party and imagine that you were listening to the feelings of a friend. How would you handle another loved one in distress? Would you tell your partner to go away? Or your mother to “suck it up”?

Be more open with your child and always opt for compassion over any other reaction. Your child is not you. They will not see the world in the exact same way as you see it, and they will hold different beliefs and values from you. Accept this and accept them for who they are and how they feel. Help them find solutions and pathways to piece instead of making them feel bad about who they are.

4. Learn better coping strategies together

It may sound like you have to be an emotionally aware master before having children, but that’s not necessarily the case. We can still improve who we are as people and as parents at any point in the relationship. As your child grows, so will your understanding of self and your understanding of the world. Don’t assume you have all the answers. Grow emotionally with your child and learn better coping strategies together.

As your child experiences ups and downs, you’re going to need to educate yourself on emotional coping strategies and take them on board yourself (just as much as you teach them to your child). Avoid making this process about your child only. Identify areas you can improve in, so you can be better caretaker to your family.

Learn how to effectively control your own emotions as you encourage your child to control their own. Limit your own irritation, anger, or harsh words when you feel your patience coming to its end. Limit the shouting, the guilt trips, or the instances of dismissal when it’s more convenient to put them to bed. Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Accept it and commit to making a better life for your child.

5. Model healthy needs every day

Your direction can only do so much for your child. That’s because they don’t just learn from the things that we tell them. Children also learn their life lessons from the behaviors and decisions they watch us make. If you want your child to have greater emotional control (and awareness) then you need to model that in your own life and be an example for them.

Show your child what it means to handle your emotions with grace, compassion, and understanding every single day. Be aware of your emotions, and how they impact the way in which you conduct your life and the way in which you connect with others.

Be open about your needs and take care of them. Ask for what you need from your partners and stop settling for a life and people that bring nothing to the table. Our children will lead their lives much as we did. Lead your life well and be an example of what it means to be an individual who embraces their emotions and lives in peace with them through understanding and compassion.

Putting it all together…

Our children learn how to be adults from their experiences, but also from the lessons they inherit from us. We teach our children how they are supposed to deal with their emotions. When you spend a lot of time dismissing or downplaying your child’s feelings, you can wind up creating an adult who struggles to voice how they feel when it counts. We owe it to our kids to help them become emotionally well adjusted. That only happens with focus and with conscious action.

Create a two-way street of respect and make it clear that you have just as much respect for the way your child is feeling as you expect them to have for your own feelings. Make it safe for them to open up and to share their emotions with you. The safer we feel in childhood to address our emotions, the safer we feel in adulthood to express them with those who matter. Show your child unconditional understanding and acceptance, and drop all your judgements about anything they tell you. We have a right to feel the way we feel, and that’s still true as children. Learn better coping strategies together and make your home one in which emotions are openly embraced. Model healthy emotional needs and regulation of feelings for your child, and they will learn to do the same in their own adult lives later down the road.