Regulating our emotions for a better quality of life

Our lives are filled with ups and downs. In order to thrive amidst the chaos, we have to learn how to regulate our thoughts and our emotions.

by: E.B. Johnson

There can be no denying that life is challenging. As we move throughout it, we find ourselves encountered with a number of situations and experiences which test and challenge who we are. These experiences can be both trying and emotional. They bring out the best in us and the worst in us, but the only way we can really triumph is by finding the power to stay in control of ourselves.

Is your world ruled by your emotions? Do you find yourself flying off the handle, or making a bigger mess of things than you should. These can be signs of poor emotional regulation, which throws a serious wrench into the plans we make for ourselves and our relationships. If we’re seeking true and lasting happiness, we have to take charge of our thoughts and our emotions. Rather than running from the feelings, we have to embrace them and still ourselves through focused, determined action and compassion.

We are responsible for our emotions.

Whether you choose to believe it or not, we are the ones who are responsible for our emotions. While they are certainly inspired by the events around them, our feelings lie within the realm of our total control. Linked with our thoughts, it is up to us to confront and process them — so we can find better ways to communicate and connect with others (and ourselves).

Are you tired of blowing up, disconnecting, and finding pain everywhere you go? Take some personal responsibility for the way you feel. You can shift your negative thoughts and feelings, and turn them into something which is far more beneficial and beautiful.

Understand how poor emotional regulation is ripping apart the fabric of your happiness. Be honest about how the blow-ups, the conflicts, and the feelings of shame are destroying you. Then you can take action and start to piece together better ways in which to take charge of your moods and emotions. Cultivate more self-awareness, shift your attention intentionally, and find more ways to stay focused on your gratitude.

Side effects of poor emotional regulation.

Poor emotional regulation is not something we should dismiss or take lightly. Its side effects are far-reaching and corrosive to our happiness and even our careers and relationships. Regulating our emotions is a process, and it’s one which begins with honestly admitting how your life is being impacted.

Dramatic over-reactions

Perhaps the most common side effect of failed emotional regulation is that over dramatic over-reaction. Do you explode when you’re mad? Do you find your emotions volatile and overwhelming? If you are someone who flies off the handle, or completely falls apart when they’re disappointed, then it might be time for you to consider taking a deep dive into your emotional equilibrium and the techniques you use to manage it.

Inability to empathize

When you struggle to understand or face your own emotions, it can lead to a struggle to understand how emotions work in others. Emotional intelligence and awareness aren’t only pointed towards our own enlightenment. When we are truly emotionally present, we can see feelings in other people and relate to them through pathways of intimacy and compassion. Without that presence, we end up at the mercy of emotional ups and downs in both ourselves and those we love.

Avoiding vulnerability

Not all of our emotions are pleasant or comfortable to deal with. Sometimes, we are confronted by feelings that require us to open up and face deeper parts of ourselves. When you can’t accept negative emotions or uncomfortable conversations, you will tend to avoid them rather than processing (meaning no resolution can be found). Avoiding vulnerability, you can become emotionally closed off and distant with those who matter most.

Disordered thoughts

Unorganized emotions can easily lead us into the trap of disordered thoughts. Maybe you’re feeling hopeless or lost. Maybe anxiety and depression have become a part of your waking reality, or you’re becoming scared of suicidal ideations. All of these things can result from a failure to balance and understand our emotions. (Something which can often be helped by gaining the support of a mental health professional).

Shame and anger

Because your emotions cause such internal (and external) conflict, you can find yourself feeling ashamed or angry about the struggles you’re dealing with. Unable to control your anger or your sadness, you explode — and then you feel bad about that explosion or all the negative feedback that it brought with it. This shame and this anger become a cycle. Then, this cycle compounds into self-loathing that erodes your quality of life and opportunity.

Distanced relationships

It’s hard to maintain close and healthy relationships when we’re always shutting down or flying off the handle with our feelings. Little-by-little, this takes a toll on our interpersonal partnerships and the way in which we see and connect with others. If we want our bonds with those we love to remain strong and equitable, then we have to control our emotions and learn how to express them earnestly and in a timely fashion.

Risky behavior

Although it’s a side-effect that we often miss, risky behavior can be a result of poor emotional regulation. Struggling to confront the way we’re feeling, we can find ourselves turning to drugs, alcohol, and actions like gambling and promiscuity in order to mask our inability to deal. Over time, these decisions bring with them even more complicated emotions and hardships than those we were trying to avoid in the first place.

The best ways to master your moods and emotions.

It’s not necessary to stay in this place of emotional turmoil and chaos. You can get yourself back to a healthy state of emotional being, but you’re going to have to retrain your thoughts and the way you approach your feelings. Cultivate some self-awareness and stay focused on your gratitude. Then you can shift your attention and discover active ways to reappraise the situation.

1. Cultivate self awareness

Self-awareness is so important when it comes to gaining more control over your emotional states. When we are self-aware, we are tuned into our bodies and into our thoughts. We’re present and listening to our minds and our emotions in a way that allows us to process and resolve before problems become bigger issues. This self-awareness has to be cultivated, though. It doesn’t always come naturally, despite being a powerful tool.

Find ways in which you can slowly slide into the pool of conscious self-awareness. If you haven’t listened to your internal world before, then it’s best to begin this process slowly. Spend just a few moments each day checking in with yourself. What’s going on with your thoughts? How are you feeling? How do you respond when you’re confronted with difficulty?

Journaling is a great way to keep track of this information, so you can refer back to it and discover the patterns that are keeping you emotionally dysregulated. Listen to your mind. What does it tell you to do in times of ease? What about times of stress? Look at your moods and the way they move you into periods of difficulty or interpersonal hardship. You need to be aware of your habits to fix them.

2. Shift your attention intentionally

One of the more powerful techniques we can use in order to better control our emotions is that of diversion. Diversion occurs when we stop ourselves upon encountering a negative emotion and then do something else to distract ourselves. It’s a great way to take the initial sting out of uncomfortable feelings so that we can bolster ourselves and prepare for what might be a difficult processing.

When you feel the nastier edge of your emotions coming out, step back and shift your attention intentionally. You don’t need to blow up. You don’t need to break down or dissolve into a flood of tears. You can simply walk away before you feel overwhelmed and do something else that allows you to more subtly work through things.

Look for outlets that are productive, or outlets that help to boost your mood when things are going wrong. Physically exerting your body is a great way to get out of an intense head space. Likewise, art, music, and even writing are other great outlets that can have positive results for utilizing them. Be creative and work quickly. Don’t let yourself fall off the cliff’s edge when you can divert your emotions instead.

3. Find your deeper acceptance

As humans, we are highly social and emotional creatures that react and interact intimately with our environments and the people who fill them. Our emotions are a part of that, and they are particularly strong too. They guide us toward the people who are good for us, and they guide us away from the things that are not meant to be. Emotions serve a purpose and — like life — serve us in both good and bad ways. Accepting them is the only way to live with them, and one of the best ways to subdue them.

Discover that deeper well of acceptance that lives within you. Look at your emotions bravely and honestly for what they are. No one is perfect, and none of us have a mind that is entirely free of hangups and warped beliefs. What are your true emotional highs and lows? How do they affect you and those you love?

Courageously accept yourself where you are at in this moment. Are your emotions in a state of mess and disorder? Maybe. That’s okay. You have to accept this fact in order to be able to correct it. Sit with all the realities of self you don’t like to look at, and then you will be able to create efficient and effective action plans that help you rebuild your emotional stasis. Embrace the bad and you will be able to rework it for good, but not before finding that acceptance.

4. Reappraise the situation

How often do you use reappraisal when it comes to your fluctuating emotional states? When you encounter something which is emotionally hard, do you break down and focus only on the negative? Or do you look for a way to spin the situation in your favor? The fact of the matter is that there is a silver lining in any experience, when we know where to look for it. That’s where reappraisal can help us in our journey toward emotional regulation.

Are you facing a wall of negative emotions? Are you overwhelmed by sadness, grief, or anger? Stop the second that your feelings become “too much”. Step back and look at the entire situation from a removed perspective. What are your emotions trying to tell you? What deeper lesson is there to understand in this experience?

Find a way to make this emotion a better part of where you’re at. If you’re sad, look at it as a celebration of something for which you were once grateful. We cannot experience grief if we do not first experience love. It’s the same with our anger. We get angry because we are disappointed. Disappointment means we had something we wanted; it just didn’t turn out the way we thought it would. Find the silver lining and reappraise the emotion.

5. Focus on gratitude all the time

Once you tap into better ways to reappraise your emotions, it becomes so much easier to find the gratitude in your everyday life. Gratitude is invaluable when we’re dealing with difficult or complex feelings. It helps us to remember what’s good about life, and it can even remind us about what is good within ourselves. If you truly want to regulate the dramatic ups and downs, keep your gratitude in sight and the things you appreciate close by.

Put your foot on the brake the minute you feel intensely overwhelming emotions on the horizon. Immediately refocus yourself on the people, places, and things that you’re grateful for. Who is in your life that makes you feel appreciated? What internal strengths do you love most about yourself?

Be appreciative of all those value-adding aspects of your life that add infusions of joy, connection, or passion to your day. Rather than allowing the negative emotions to overwhelm and destroy your sense of calm, look to the positive. No matter who you are, there is love in your life to be found. Be grateful for your pets; for a sunny day when you don’t have to walk in the rain. We can appreciate both the big and the small. The more we appreciate in our lives, the better.

Putting it all together…

As humans, we have a wide array of emotions which can both help and hinder us. While they are made to protect us, our feelings can get in the way when they get out of control or overwhelming. Once we’ve spotted the signs of a struggle with emotional regulation, we have to take action in order to help ourselves and our peace of mind.

Cultivate a greater sense of self-awareness and learn how to be present in your moods and your thoughts. We can’t shift our emotions if we don’t understand them, and that comes with being aware of when they happen and how they work. Spot the patterns, then try to shift your attention intentionally whenever you feel overwhelming or negative feelings creeping in. Find your deeper acceptance. You can learn to regulate your emotions, but not until you accept where you’re at and how you’re being impacted. When you land in troubled waters, reappraise the situation. How can regulating your emotions help to improve your quality of life? Focus on gratitude. There’s always something that we can be grateful for our in our lives and this gratitude can do wonders when it comes to calming our minds and stilling our emotions.

(Note: Not all emotional regulation is manageable on our own. If you feel as though you are struggling more than normal, seek the help and advice of a mental health professional.)