Finding hope in failed relationships
Endings are often the beginning of entirely new opportunities.
by: E.B. Johnson
Finding the light after the end of your relationship can seem like an impossible task. Our relationships form a critical part of who we are, and when they end (no matter how bad they might have been) we often feel lost or as though we have been cheated in some way. The truth, however, is that there is a tremendous amount of hope to be found in the wake of painful breakup — if you know where and how to look at things.
When we start to see the termination of our relationships as new beginnings, rather than as soul-destroying endings, we unlock the power of divine transformation in our lives. The ending of your partnerships is the closing of a novel, and the beginning of an entirely new volume authored by you alone. Embrace the change for it is and understand that you will be a better, stronger version of yourself once you figure out how to commit to the journey.
When our relationships hit an impassable wall.
Despite what our silver screen heroes have led us to believe, some relationships end in heartache, not happiness. This does not mean, however, that our relationships are not an important part of who we are. They make a massive difference to both our self-confidence and our outward relations.Our relationships shape our perspective of the world and our place in it, but they can also leave us shattered, unhappy and looking for a way out.
Partnerships have a profound impact on our beliefs and the way we see ourselves in the world around us. Through our relationships, we learn how to better connect with people, and we learn how to be vulnerable; opening up in new and special ways that can make it hard to stomach the rejection that inherently comes along with a break up.
A breakup is an unbuckling of the life we’ve built. No matter how strong or independent we might perceive ourselves to be, the loss of romantic partnership is still a major shift that sends ripples of devastation throughout our entire core of being. Every corner of our lives and self is touched by the ending of our romantic relationships, and there are some concrete signs that you’re still struggling with those shock waves — even years after the event.
Why endings can be a benefit in disguise.
Though breakups are always painful, they are often a great benefit too. We can’t always see beyond the walls of our pain, or the walls our partners build around us — but when we free ourselves our delusion, we often find that there is a beautiful transformation waiting for us beneath the surface.
New space
We all need space, but we often lose sight of its value when we’re swamped in the emotions of a relationship disintegrating. Space is the perfect place to discover yourself in, and it’s the perfect place to embrace the flow of time and let go of the pain. The end of a relationship is a step into new and uncharted space for you, allowing you to move in entirely new directions and set entirely new goals for yourself. It’s being unfettered and free to realize who you truly are.
Greater empathy
Breakups lead to greater space in our lives, but it also leads to greater empathy. There is a growth that happens when your partnership buckles and gives in, and that growth includes the way you see yourself and the way you see other people around you. Pain has an uncanny way of allowing us to understand more deeply the motivations of others (and ourselves), which can in-turn allow us to extend a more stable hand of compassion when it’s needed most.
Zero suspense
Relationships on the rocks don’t get that way overnight, it’s often a long and slow slide into letting go that’s as frazzling as it is heartbreaking. One of you seems to be on the right page, but the other turns out to be on another chapter altogether. It leaves you in a state of suspended animation that leaves you feeling anxious and insecure. When that relationship finally does end, however, you’re no longer left in a state of wondering when things are going to fizzle out, explode or otherwise work themselves out. There’s zero suspense. You’re no longer left hanging.
Time to figure it out
Time is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves when it comes to a broken heart or a reeling sense of relationships, but it’s often the hardest benefit to accept. With time comes a greater sense of perspective, and the ability to see things for what they are (and what we want them to be). Once a distracting and bad-for-you partner is out of the way, it’s easier for you to take a deeper look at who you are and what you want from your life and your relationships in the future.
Reality check
Breakups are cathartic, even if that catharsis often feels more like a baptism by fire. Gaining a greater sense of perspective, the space and emotion created by a relationship split will allow you to also see your support network for what it really is. You’ll find out who your real friends are, and what truly matters to you in both romantic relationships and friendships, and beyond. It’s a great time to reality check on the people and things that mean the most.
Post-breakup boom
There are a series of ups and downs we go through in the wake of a relationship breakdown, but it can come with “second wind” too. This occurs after the initial shock of the breakup has receded, and you have had enough time to get excited about life and your passions again. When this occurs, you might experience a renewed sense of energy and purpose which inspires you to get up and change your life in the best possible way.
More freedom
Perhaps the greatest benefit of a relationship-called-quits is the freedom that’s achieved in the wake. When your partnership ends, you are freed from the confines of another person’s consideration. You no longer have to wonder whether your behavior is going to injure someone else’s feelings. You no longer have to ask if your partner has plans, or rush to make sure you arrive on time for that big-thing-you-were-supposed-to-do-together. You’re free to be as you are and exist entirely in any way that suits you.
Knowing when it’s time to call it quits.
There are a number of signs that our relationships are over — whether we like to admit it or not. From draining our finances, to refusing to build the same visions of a future, these are the signs that it’s time to look for hope outside of your failing partnership.
Financial drain
Finances are important when it comes to our relationships, and can be an important indication of whether they will succeed or fail. If your partner is an intentional financial drain, with no intention (or hope) of return — they’re taking advantage of you in a way that is hard to recover from. Someone who spends your money on trifles rather than mutually beneficial investments isn’t someone who is looking forward, or making decisions with both parties in mind.
Self-centered intimacy
To the nightmare partner, the only gratification that matters is their own. Whether it comes to satisfaction in the bedroom, or just the emotional labor they want and need — one-sided intimacy reigns in the relationship that’s doomed to fail. This partner isn’t there for you emotionally when you need them, and the only care about their own sexual gratification when it comes down to intimate time together. When you leave no room for the other partner in the relationship, you’ll find disappointment and resentment abound.
Zero communication
Communication breakdowns are one of the most common signs that our relationships are moving in the wrong direction. Usually, this slow slide starts small, with someone keeping their peace when they should speak up — or hiding their emotions altogether. When you hit the zero communication threshold, you’ve reached a point of no return. If you cannot or refuse to communicate, you can find no resolution to the conflicts and misunderstandings that plague you. It’s a one-way path to failure.
Misaligned visions of a future
Though many of us look for partners who are much like ourselves, it is not personal similarities that keep us together throughout the trials and tribulations that plague our relationships. Truly powerful partnerships that stand the test of time are those in which the involved parties have an aligned sense of goals and a future. If you and your partner want drastically different things from your lives, it will be hard to overcome those differences in order to bridge the gaps that inevitably appear.
Constant lies
There can be no longstanding relationship without a wide base of trust between the two partners. Constant lies and betrayals of trust will leave you feeling off balance and unable to settle. In this rocky stance, the other partner is able to assume control and enjoy their own gratification without any concern for the other person. Long-term relationships are those in which equity is established through trust and commitment. This trust allows you to go out on a limb for one another and know that, at the end of the day, the other person there to catch you no matter what.
All about everyone else
Perspective is a complicated thing, and it becomes ever more complicated when we find ourselves in a serious relationship with another person. While at first we might be intensely focused on one another, that intensity cools over time and can lead to an outward turning that serves more as a distraction from the truth than anything else. If your relationship has become about anyone and anything else, it might be a sign that things have run their natural course.
How to find hope in the wake of a failed relationship.
The ending of a relationship is not a failure. Rather, it’s the opening of a door that reveals new and endless possibility for us. Whether your relationship has already failed, or your partner has just begun to move toward the door — these are the best ways to find hope in the wake of a relationship that’s destined for failure.
1. Write a new story
When we are in a partnership, we are co-authors who come together to create a new and special journey through our mutual talents. It’s an intricate game, and one that requires us to balance, pace and develop our character at a rate that can be both baffling and strange. The end of a relationship, however? Rather than ending the story, is a chance to start a new volume…this time entirely on our own as the authors of our own unique stories.
Take charge of your destiny and commit to becoming the author of your own story. If you’re looking for hope in the wake of heartbreak, take a step back from everything that’s going on and turn your focus inside. What do you want from your life? What action can you take right now to change it? Draw-up the outline of the future you want to have and get committed to the journey of getting there.
Committing to the authorship of our lives is a powerful commitment and one that can’t be superseded by superficial ideals of romantic love, or even the insecurities that plague us. When we take charge of our lives, we take responsibility for our own happiness, which can further empower us to understand that true joy and validation come from within…not from without. Write a new story for yourself and know that the things that you want from your life and your partner are valid and worthy of achieving to the highest degree.
2. Know thyself
There is no greater power in this world than knowing yourself. When you know who you are, you know what you want. And when you know what you want, you know what you are and are not willing to accept. Take this time free of a partner to get reinvested in you. Who are you right now in this moment? Is it the same person you were at the start of your past relationship? Chances are you know the answer, but have failed (so far) to embrace it.
Get to know who you are, and embrace that person wholeheartedly. Dig right into the deepest parts of who you are and confront the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. Find courage through loving who you are and doing it without shame. Figure out what you want from yourself and your relationships and make a pact with your authentic “you” to go after it wholeheartedly.
When you truly know yourself, you won’t only face those good parts that make you brave or proud. Truly knowing who you are, truly accepting the person you are right now in this moment (and the person you could become), requires you to accept your weaknesses and insecurities as well. Face those parts of yourself that you buried in your partnership, and work to release the emotional baggage that’s preventing you from living authentically in line with the life that will give you fulfillment.
3. Find an authentic alignment
Once you know who you are and you’ve committed to writing a new story for yourself, you can start to live within your true alignment in the wake of a failed relationship. Living within our authentic alignment means bringing into view both our strengths and our weaknesses, as well as our desires and our needs. Combining these things, we can identify a path forward that truly suits who we are at our core, and what we truly want from life.
Align your goals, your career, your friends and even your living to who you really are and what you really want. If you’re heavily invested in things that don’t bring you joy or benefit — get rid of them. If you’re surrounded by people who cause you stress, grief or other sorts of aggravation (more than they provide laughter, love and support) — cut them out.
Living in alignment with who we truly are means living in peace. When we’re in-sync with our ultimate truths, we find we no longer have need for chaos, conflict and drama that otherwise distracted us. Find the pursuits that fit who you are and who you want to be. Surround yourself with the people who push you to be a better version of yourself. You’re no longer chained to the picture of a future that someone else painting. Live in line with your truths and enjoy the peace of authentic alignment.
4. Assess damage and reset
When looking for hope, it’s important not to lose sight of the very real highs and lows of pain that you will experience in the wake of a relationship breakdown. We cannot allow ourselves to underestimate the damage that has been done, or the very real effects the breakup will have on our sense of self. In order to move forward, we have to accept this pain, assess the damage and through that find a way to move forward in the way that suits us best.
After you’ve had some distance and time to strengthen yourself, give yourself some time to look back over your relationship and analyze it for what it truly was and was not. Consider the part you played in the collapse of your partnership and consider the part the other person played too. What do you want to do differently next time? What can you change about the way you handle relationships in future?
Reset your sense of relationships. Reset everything you knew on building a partnership, and start over. What you did last time didn’t work. What did? Apply those things to future partnerships and combine them with the discoveries you’ve made in the process. Lessons are the silver lining that we walk away with, and the charge which can empower us to shine all the brighter. Stop hiding from what happened and study it. Learn from it. Let it be the guide that allows you to see the things you need, and the things you need to avoid.
5. Start opening up
Learning how to talk about where we’re at is often the first step when it comes to healing from a difficult breakup. When we talk about our feelings with someone we trust, it allows us to dive further into our emotions and understanding and get a better perspective on how we could make things better for ourselves.
Get comfortable talking about how you feel and find a friend you can trust that is willing to listen to you vent. Let them know exactly how the breakup is still causing you to struggle and let them know you need a willing shoulder (and a willing ear) to listen to you on a regular basis.
Talking about our failed relationships can be hard, but it’s necessary. Speaking up about what’s going on inside facilitates healing by helping us to see the reality of the situation and our role in it. Love often comes at the cost of clarity, but an outside perspective can help us overcome that. If you’re still struggling to thrive in the wake of a relationship that hit the rocks, try reaching out and opening up about how you’re feeling.
Putting it all together…
Breakups are tragic, heartbreaking and often hard to understand. No matter how hard we try to find some common ground, some relationships just aren’t meant to survive the test of time. In those moments, we have to learn how to find the hope in the breakdown of our romantic partnerships, so we can thrive and build a future on our own.
Write a new story and commit to the journey of becoming a better version of yourself. Understand that the road to change is rarely ever a straight one, and embrace the ups and downs that will come with building a new “you”. Dig into the meat of who you are, and get to know who you are in this new, single context. As humans, we are constantly changing and learning. Get back in touch with who you are and use that knowledge to put yourself back on the right track. Revel in your newfound independence. Find your authentic alignment and lean into it. Pain is an inevitable part of the process, so embrace it and assess the damage once you’re strong enough to do so. We all suffer in the wake of a gut-wrenching breakup, but we can find a supreme amount of hope in that space as well. Allow yourself to open up again, and embrace those who show you authentic love, care and support in this trying time. There is no going backward. Only forward. Move that way in the confidence of knowing that tomorrow, you will be a better you — on your own terms.
