If you were parented this way you’re more likely to be abused

Did your parents use one of these parenting styles? Science says you may be more likely to be abused in your adult relationships.

by: E.B. Johnson

When it comes to who we are as adults, our childhoods play a major role. The pieces of our pasts are like a puzzle and they come together to construct our thought patterns, our beliefs, and the full picture of who we are. Even when we grow up, move away, and start families of our own — the lessons that our parents taught us linger, and shape us in ways which can be both good and toxic.

Like it or not, there are some styles of parenting which are corrosive and damaging to children and who they grow up to be. Even when motivated by the best of intentions, authoritarian, authoritative and even certain types of passive parenting make us more likely to end up heartbroken, misunderstood, and even abused by the people we care for most in adulthood. We have to overcome these patterns and build a life for ourselves, but that requires us to first understand the ways in which we’ve been broken.

Why parenting makes all the difference.

The way we are parented makes all the difference to who we grow up to be as adults. Everyone makes mistakes, but some mistakes (whether consciously or subconsciously made) are damaging and linger in the form of pain and trauma for years and decades to come. Understanding where our parents went wrong empowers us to stand up for ourselves and access self-healing. We must first accept what happened, though, and our responsibility in becoming whole again.

Did your parents dominate your childhood? Did they loom over you in an overprotective fashion? Did they lash out when you got things wrong or stepped outside of their deemed norms? This style of authoritative parenting makes us fearful and insecure, as well as (according to science) more likely to settle for partners who dominate and control us in adulthood.

What about the passive parent? Were you left to raise yourself? Abandoned by an absentee parent who was more involved in their own drama than caring for and nurturing you? What about the “best friend” parent? Were you left to learn hard lessons on your own, all in a bid to build a relationship that was codependent and ineffective with your caretakers? Even these lax and carefree parenting styles can have a negative effect on the bond we share and the way we view our adult lives and partnerships.

The parenting styles which can set you up for abuse.

There are so many ways to parent your children, but there are 3 particularly toxic styles which can increase our likelihood of accepting abusive relationships as adults. From the domineering authoritarian, to the neglectfully permissive absentee — the poisonous effects of poor parenting linger, and require us to admit to them in order to overcome them.

The domineering authoritarian

The authoritarian archetype is pretty typical in the world of parenting. Often inspired by a combination of good intentions and their own damaging experiences, this parent makes incredible demands of their children but is very rarely responsive to them. For this reason, the child learns to accept only negative emotions as the norm in their relationships. They look for partners who will take over that domineering, all-powerful role which increases the odds of abuse and toxic power dynamics.

The neglectfully permissive

Though we tend to think of toxic parenting as outrightly aggressive and abusive, it can also take a far more subtle route. The neglectfully permissive parent is one who is often absentee, or so lax that their children never learn to self-regulate or control themselves and their behavior. Their children are left to grow up hard and fast, learning difficult lessons (and falling in with all the wrong people) that could have been better guided by the parent’s more experienced hand.

The indulgently permissive

The indulgently permissive parent also has a tendency to raise children who settle for abusive relationships. This parent never says no, and strives to show their child that they are loved by giving them everything that they want. Over time, the child learns to associate love with getting their way or material goods. This can lead them to superficial relationships in which power dynamics are waged and wielded with financial control and emotional manipulation or abuse.

How to overcome the mistakes your parents made.

No matter how you were brought up, you can make yourself better. You aren’t responsible for what happened to you, but you are responsible for making sure you get the healing that you need. No one can guarantee your happiness but you. Overcome the mistakes that your parents made and build something better for you and the ones you love.

1. Be honest about who you are

When we come into this world, we come into it beside a very specific image that our parents create for us. Whether they want the best for us or themselves, they begin to make plans for us and they begin to plan who they want us to be. This plan does not always align with reality, however — try as we might to live up to that image for the rest of our lives.

In order to escape the painful trap of your parent’s mistakes, you need to embrace who you really are and what you really want from life. For you to do this, though, you have to escape from beneath their shadow and understand that you have a divine right to a life that is aligned with your values and your beliefs.

Dig deep and question every aspect of your beliefs and your needs. What do you want from your future? Drop the pressure and focus on your thoughts and your thoughts alone. When it comes to the end, what do you want to look back over? What do you need to accomplish? Who do you need to meet to feel as though your life has been a beautiful and worthwhile one? Be honest about who you are and break free of the mold your parents set for you.

2. Invest in some professional help

There are few better investments we can make in ourselves and our mental wellbeing than finding professional help. Overcoming the pain of a dominated or neglectful childhood isn’t easy, and it isn’t even always safe to do alone. That pain runs deep, and it runs in places that are hard to tread. That’s where the professional comes into play. They can help us explore these deeper parts in a safer and more effective way.

Stop stumbling in the dark and give yourself the benefit of a light. A mental health expert can help better illuminate the issues that you’re dealing with, while highlighting aspects of your life that you didn’t even realize were being impacted. Look for someone who specializes in childhood trauma and even neglect.

There is an incredible array of digital therapy options out there to meet any budget or need. There’s no longer any excuse for holding on to pain that you don’t want. Invest in making yourself better. Invest in letting your parents’ mistakes go. The old shames and taboo ideas around therapy no longer exist. Everyone needs a non-judgemental and unattached shoulder to cry on. Find yours by finding the right mental health professional.

3. Bring your inner child into the fold

Damaged adults are really just damaged inner children crying to be acknowledged. No matter how old we get or how far we move from our caretakers, the inner child is always there. They are waiting for us to see them, and they are waiting for the person who can finally give them the love and stability they crave. Do you really want to move away from the parenting mistakes of your past? Bring your inner child up to the surface and into the fold.

Don’t run away from your inner child anymore. Pull them up and out of the dark, and let them know that it’s time to heal and celebrate. Hug them. Hold them. Take them by the hand and tell them that they are safe to be as happy and as silly as they want to be. They don’t have to be scared anymore. They don’t have to be angry and they don’t have to “get it right”.

Celebrate with them. Incorporate joy into your life on a regular basis and encourage them to be a part of it. Find the freeness in your adult life by giving your inner child an entirely new life in which they don’t have to be scared, and they don’t have to carry the weight of an adult world on their shoulders. Show them all the love that they never felt in their own time and let yourselves heal as one.

4. Intentionally let go of the past

At some point, all the healing and all the hard work is going to come down to a conscious choice: Are you ready to let go of your past or not? Healing and personal resolution chips away at all the pain and the walls we build around our trauma. This process also exposes us, though, and reveals an entirely new person and way of living that can seem scary or unfamiliar. We must intentionally let go of the past if we want to embrace this person.

Consciously and intentionally begin shedding the trappings of the expectations your parent set for you. Cut lose their hangups and all the hurt they left with you. Say goodbye to their beliefs and begin embracing only those things which align to what you truly see and believe to be aligned with your values and your needs.

Stop running from the past, but also stop allowing it to travel with you. When those shadows come back, plant your feet firmly on the ground and tell it “No!” Thank it for its lessons and then send it on its way. Banish it back to the past where it belongs and box it up and send it back to the person it belongs to. Any shame or guilt that dwells in your childhood is no longer yours. It belongs in a place and a time which you no longer inhabit or need.

5. Become the parent you never had

If you are someone who struggles with the pain of traumatic or troubled childhood, it’s important that you learn how to re-parent yourself. This is a process which helps us to shift the negative patterns and habits we develop as a means of coping. It also helps us to break free of tendencies like accepting abuse when we deserve a relationship that is fulfilling and rewarding.

Give yourself the discipline, self-esteem, joy, and care you never had as a child. Set boundaries and revel in defending them. Be brutally vigilant about your wellbeing and stand up for it as you would for that of an innocent child. Encourage yourself. Believe in yourself. Tell your inner child how much you love them every day.

Be honest about what went wrong in your childhood and then figure out what action you can take to correct it. Be compassionately accountable and show up for yourself and your inner child. You don’t need the validation of others to be happy. You do need the validation of yourself, though. Tap into a greater sense of joy to find better ways to self-soothe and comfort yourself when things get challenging or otherwise uncomfortable.

Putting it all together…

The techniques (or lack thereof) that our parents use in childhood have a big effect on who we are as adults. When they create abusive or unbending environments, they teach us to accept the same in adulthood. Likewise, when we become the caretakers in an overly permissive parent-child relationship, we can find ourselves settling for being taken advantage of as adults. Overcoming these toxic tendencies requires us to get real about the pain of our pasts. We have to overcome the mistakes of our parents and take action in the name of an authentic life.

Start by being honest about who you are and what you want from life. Drop the visions of a future your parents set for you and embrace your own. Invest in some professional help if you need some time to work through the complicated emotions and experiences in your childhood. We don’t have to go through this process alone, and it can be massively helpful to have someone who can listen without judgement. Intentionally let go of the past and stop allowing it to shape who you are in the present. When you continue to accept that pain your parents caused you in your adult life, you set yourself up for failure and dangerous experiences of abuse. Don’t run from the past, but don’t give it power either. Become the parent you never had and allow yourself to find the comfort and stability in a life of your own choosing.