All the things your inner child needs to hear you say

There were assurances your inner child never received. Now is the time to make them, and this is what you’re going to say.

by: E.B. Johnson

As children, we look up at the world in wonderment — seeking answers to questions we haven’t quite formed yet, and searching for a place in the world that is far bigger than us. We look for love and security from those around us, but that’s not always what we find. Sometimes, our childhoods are fraught with hardship, and that leaves a wound which takes months and even decades to heal.

Were you made to feel secure in your childhood? Did your parents or caretakers apologize for the hurt they caused, or the chances they missed? You don’t have to wait for an apology that never comes. You can step up to the plate for yourself and help your inner child heal by giving them the words they never got at home. Stop running from the past and let them know that it’s safe to live and love right now in the present.

Our inner children need us to heal.

The world is a place in pain. No matter where you look, you are confronted with suffering — be it in the endless images of war and disease, or the scenes of righteous chaos and heartbreak on the streets of America. We’re all hurting and we’re all scared, and that’s made so much worse by the endless pain of our inner child. We all have an inner child, and those inner children need us to heal more than ever.

The term “inner child” refers to the part of your subconscious which developed before your adult state. This childlike subconscious is the one that takes all the blows and all the pain when you’re still too young to process it. It stores this “damage” or trauma away and compartmentalizes it (in the hopes that we’ll be able to move on by burying it).

You cannot bury away an inner child, however. You cannot outrun them or the pain that they feel. They are always there, lurking on the edges of our memory; crying out in the darkness for all the assurances of love and affection they were never given. We can give them those words now, though. We can facilitate their love and their healing, and be that beacon of safety that they never had. We can take our inner child by the hand and lead them back to the light, but we first have to cultivate enough knowledge to take action.

Signs it’s time to help your inner child find peace.

Your inner child needs to find peace, but that’s hard when they’re still fighting the battle of trauma and emotional scarring. Look for these signs in your own life. If they sound familiar, it could be an indication that it’s time to help your inner child find their way to peace, love, and happiness.

Crumbling self-esteem

What does your self-esteem look like? Do you consider yourself a particularly confident person, or not? Much of the self-confidence or self-worth we possess in adulthood comes from our experiences in childhood. When our inner child is allowed to grow and blossom in a nurturing and compassionate environment, they often build a heightened self-compassion and greater self-esteem. Those who are marked by dysfunctional families, trauma, and abuse, however, can find themselves struggling to find value in who they are.

Poor emotional regulation

A central part of our childhood development is learning how to regulate our emotions. When young, we use emotional explosions and boisterous displays to communicate the words we don’t yet have. As we grow older, though, we start to gain feedback on these emotional displays that teach us a more efficient and effective way to understand and work with our emotions. If this feedback we receive is poorly timed, or if it comes at the hands of abuse or trauma, it can lead to poor emotional regulation and an inability to effectively manage complex or negative emotions.

Trouble setting boundaries

Boundaries are a crucial part of every relationship that we build. Our boundaries help us to establish trust with one another, but they also help us to protect our own needs and communicate our expectations with one another. We learn how to set these boundaries in childhood, however, when we experiment with both the limits set by our caretakers and those set by the real world. Did you have a childhood in which your boundaries were rarely respected or allowed? Your inner child might struggle to allow you to set boundaries for yourself in adulthood.

Addictive behavior

Addictive and risk-taking behavior are two common coping mechanisms that are utilized whenever we find ourselves dealing with complex negative emotions or experiences. This serves many purposes, primary among them being to “numb” our experiences or distract us from them. The inner child learns this avoidance tactic early on, when they are forced to experience adult emotions and trials that they aren’t yet equipped to process.

Avoidance as first choice

Do you regularly avoid any kind of conflict? What about your intimate relationships? Do you find that you often avoid getting close to someone, or detonate the relationship any time someone tries? This is a common indicator of someone who is struggling with an inner child that’s both troubled and hurt. Perhaps they learned from their caretakers that it wasn’t safe to love, or it wasn’t safe to make a mistake or speak up for themselves. However it happens, it results in an adulthood of running and masking your true emotions.

Loss of identity

A big part of childhood is learning how to explore the world and our place within it. So much of our personal identity ideas are formed in childhood, and that ultimate image of glamour and success we form there never quite goes away. When you aren’t given this freedom to explore who you are, though, it can lead to a languishing wandering later in your adulthood. Unsure of who you are or what you want, you might find yourself stumbling from dream to dream…someone else’s dream.

Troubled relationships

Just as we learn to set boundaries and explore our individuality in childhood, we also discover relationships and how to build them. We watch how our parents form intimate bonds, and we copy them in our own adult lives. When it comes to our friends, siblings, and the people we admire — we observe how they conduct themselves and we (usually) do the same. If these observations made in childhood were mostly toxic or flawed, you can form these same patterns later down the road. Struggling to connect? Stay faithful? An inner child who needs healing might play a part.

Hopelessness and anxiety

There’s no secret that the state of our childhood’s take a direct toll on our mental health and emotional happiness as an adult. Are you wracked by hopelessness? Fears or an overwhelming anxiety that makes it hard for you to function or enjoy pleasure? Many times, this can be traced back to childhood and the experiences that took place there with our caretakers and those who were meant to protect us. When we resolve the pain of our pasts, we often find a better way to proceed into the future.

Paralyzed by fear

Are you paralyzed by fear and insecurity? Do you always expect the worst from yourself, or freeze up any time you have an opportunity to do something for your gain? If your inner child was never taught to look after their own needs, this can become a real problem. If they were never assured of their abilities, or encouraged to go after things outside of their comfort zone — they can find themselves locked up, stagnant, and settling for less than they want and less than they deserve in adulthood.

What your inner child needs to hear from you.

Before you begin your journey to healing, there are a few things your inner child needs to hear from you. In order to open up, they need to know they’re safe and they need to know your love (and understanding) for them is unconditional. Once these doors are open, you can take active steps toward your healing and empower yourself to reach out to those who can help.

1. “You are loved unconditionally, as you are.”

Time and time again, the biggest shadow of our childhoods arises from a lack of tangible love. As children, we need to know we are loved and we need to know we are wanted. This extends far beyond simply being told “I love you”. Children long to be loved unconditionally. They long to know that they are free to live and explore as they wish and always have a home full of support to return to.

Tell your inner child that you love them unconditionally. Take them up in your arms and hold them tight. Assure them that there is nothing they could ever do to make you stop loving them. Let them know that you are always there for them, even when they make a mistake or do something that you don’t like (or agree with).

Take their hand every day. Squeeze it in yours. Imagine yourselves talking and sharing and spending time together. Demonstrate to them — by always returning — that you’re not like the people who came before. You are the parent who will be right there to the end; who will never abandon them, or ask them to mute their colors merely for some comfort? Say, “I love you unconditionally as you are, and I always will.”

2. “Nothing that happened was your fault.”

When the pain and trauma of childhood hits, we are rarely prepared to deal with it either mentally or emotionally. Our little child’s brain can’t always process the nuance of what’s going on, so it’s forced to simplify. Sadly, more often than not, this can result in an internalization or the “It’s all my fault,” style of belief. This eats away at self-esteem and makes it hard for us to see ourselves in an honest light in adulthood.

Once you have reassured your inner child of your love, look them in the eye and tell them that what happened was not their fault. Let go of all that guilt and all that shame. Children are innocents, and there was no way for you to fully understand who you were or what you wanted. You were innocent, and anything beyond that lies on the shoulders of someone else.

Stop allowing this internalization to create an aura of fear and guilt that makes it impossible to get close to others. Stop letting it change who you love, what dreams you strive for, or the quality of life you choose to build. You were a child, and that’s enough. Give yourself a break and try tapping into a little applied self-compassion so that you can then empower yourself to thrive and find better avenues.

3. “You did the best you knew how to.”

As we hold on to these strange feelings of guilt and shame, we often encounter the idea that we could have changed our childhood if we just did something “better”. Perhaps you come to believe that your parents would have loved you more if you were a different gender. Perhaps you come to believe that your abuser wouldn’t have found you if you had just waited a few more minutes. This is flawed thinking, though. You were a child and did the best you could with the knowledge you had.

Very few people set out to make decisions that will consciously ruin their lives. No matter what age we find ourselves at, we’re usually doing the best we can with the knowledge that we have. The same goes for our childhood, where we encounter very complex emotions and experiences without our own reference points or appropriate emotional development.

Give your inner child some credit. Reassure them again by letting them know that that they are doing the best that they know how, and that’s okay. For years, they’ve battled their pain and done what they can to keep you afloat. They stayed strong when they didn’t know how to be, and they kept you alive even when they were terrified. Thank your inner child for doing everything they’ve done and let them know that you’re there now to take the burden and keep them safe.

4. “I see you and I hear you.”

As children, our thoughts, emotions, and moods are often dismissed out of hand. We watch as drama and trauma unfolds in the surrounding adults. We watch them laugh and cry, scream and whisper in the dark. We hear everything they say and do. But, despite our blatant or subtle cries for help or love, we’re often put to the wayside and perceived as incapable of bearing any true thought or existential fear of our own.

We bear our parents’ burdens, but — as children — we rarely get the same consideration or compassion for our struggles (which are seen as “superficial”). Your inner child needs to be acknowledged; perhaps for the first time in their life. They need to be told that they are seen, and that you are willing to listen to what they have to say without judgement. See your inner child as an equal, not a subordinate.

Embrace your inner child and assure them that they are visible. Bring them up from the shadows and make it safe for them to speak up when they have something they need to share. Be the parent that they never had. Value their insight and see the world through the child’s perspective that they have to offer you. The more visibility you offer to your inner child, the more you will be able to heal, but also to tap into your compassion, optimism, and joy.

5. “It’s safe to be happy and loved.”

Does your inner child flee at the first sign of love and vulnerability? Did they learn that getting close or being trusting was an unsafe experience? You need to convince them that it’s okay to step out from the shadows and be loved and open with others. Rather than avoiding real connections, they must learn to share themselves with ease. Likewise, you must teach them how to love others and respect them for who and what they are.

As you are creating a safe environment for your inner child to open up in, work hard to restore their faith in happiness and love. Let your inner child out to play and do it often. When they inch toward you in love, don’t hurt them or betray their trust. Reward them with joy, understanding, and an even greater and unconditional acceptance.

Show them — by consciously building rewarding and fulfilling relationships in your adult life — that it’s okay to lean on someone else’s shoulder once in a while. Demonstrate that not every bond was equate to servitude, dominance, power, pain, or control. As your inner child observes these new patterns that you are consciously building, they will come to understand that change is possible and peace is coming. Take them once more by the hand and say to them, “It’s safe to be happy and loved. I give you permission to do both.”

Putting it all together…

The trauma and hardship we encounter in childhood follows us for a lifetime and affects the adult we become. When our inner child is still hurting from unaddressed trauma, it’s our responsibility to help them open up and feel safe. The more we facilitate this healing, the happier we can become in our present. There are certain assurances that have to be made first, though, and certain things we have to make clear to our hurt and broken inner child.

First, focus on accepting your inner child exactly as they are. Communicate that they are perfect in their own imperfect way, and that they don’t have to “prove themselves” or reach some impossible standard of perfection. Moving on from acceptance, let them know that nothing that happened to them in the past was their fault. Children bear no responsibility for the choices made by adults, and that’s especially true for the inner child. Take that burden from their shoulders and tell them that you understand they’ve always done the best they can to stay strong despite it all. Cradle them. Kiss them on the forehead. Assure them that they’re safe, and that you see and hear them in all their pain glory. Give them the unconditional love they’ve always deserved and in that unconditional love empower them to discover a new safety in a happiness. You can heal your inner child, but you have to do it in love and compassion.