The cost of conforming and giving up on authenticity
Conforming to the whims of others is dangerous. If you want to lead a happy life, you’ve got to live in line with your authentic truths.
by: E.B. Johnson
As humans, we are social creatures and that can come with a lot of baggage. The more we rely on our outward social connections, the more pressure we might feel from them to conform to certain societal standards. Things like families and children and careers are all potential pressure points that we can feel the squeeze, but it’s important to maintain our authenticity if we want to lead our own happy lives.
While conformity can offer us appealing benefits like large social circles and a superficial feeling of security, it takes away from us the power of choice and the power of honest living. Living authentically takes courage, but it provides both beauty and fulfillment that can lead to dramatic and world-altering transformations. If you feel lost, or as though you don’t know who you are anymore — the answer might lie in the way you conform to expectations. Are you living authentically? The answer might surprise you.
Why we fall into the conformity trap.
We’ve all felt the pressure of conformity at some point in our lives, and many more of us have conformed to various social pressures, personal requests and more in various ways. Conformity occurs when we change something about ourselves (or the way we behave and think) because of the social pressure we perceive from outward influences. When you conform you change because you want to fit in, rather than changing from your own intrinsic motivation.
It’s not hard to understand why so many of us choose to conform. When yougive in to what other people want, it can make your life appear much easier and provide a superficial veil of acceptance and security. The ultimate problem with conformity, however, is that it often prevents us from living authentically — something that’s absolutely required in order to find our own joy and fulfillment.
Living our lives in the shadow of someone else is no way to live at all. When we follow blindly the social expectations of our friends, family and coworkers, we can find ourselves lost and detached from all sense of purpose and meaning. To live authentically means, at times, going against the grain and rubbing people the wrong way. But it also means becoming a stronger and more realized version of yourself; something which can’t be underestimated in an age when the pressure to conform seems (at times) higher than ever.
The cost of conforming and giving up our authenticity.
Conforming ourselves might appear as though it comes with a number of benefits, but it really comes with a great number of costs. When you fold yourself down to fit someone else’s mold, you lose sight of who you are and you lose sight of your joy. Living happily means living authentically, but that requires understanding and courage of the highest degree.
Seeping depression
Conformity leads to inevitable disconnects with self, and that’s a dangerous place to be. When we’re disconnected from self, we’re disconnected from our emotions and the things that might otherwise provide an efficient outlet for relief. Over time, this can lead to a seeping depression that makes it impossible for us to make sense out of what we want or what we need. To combat feelings of hopelessness and despair, we have to be confident in our skills and future — and that takes knowing who we are and what we want from it.
Delaying personal progress
Living someone else’s truth can be tempting, as it’s much easier than living our own. Existing within your own authenticity requires you to take a deep look at who you are and make dramatic changes to the shortcomings and insecurities that plague you. When you conform and go by someone else’s guidebook, however? That’s much easier, and requires little more than making a hollow mimic of what they’ve already done. Conforming delays our personal progress,and therefore delays the life we were made for.
Zero change
When everyone conforms, there’s no individuality left in the world. When there’s no individuality — there can be no uniqueness and with that no change in the world. Change is created by diversity and by a meeting of ideas. One person’s way of doing things collides with another person’s, and then we find ourselves with a new and better solution than we had before. Conformity requires us all to be the same, and it requires us to maintain the status quo in ways that can be toxic at both macro and micro levels.
Apathy
Failing to live in-line with your authentic truths is hard road to walk. While you might feel comforted by the social security that you feel for a time, you will eventually come face-to-face with the limitations of such a scenario. The longer you refuse to confront who you are, the more you will be forced to dissociate from that person and check out through the use of apathy. Apathy is pervasive, and prevents us from seeing the opportunities all around us. To be apathetic is to give up; it’s to stop caring. Something that has to be done when you refuse to embrace who you are.
Dependence on others
Conformity — at its core — means living in line with what someone else wants for your life. It’s doing what they tell you to do. It’s thinking what they tell you to think, with no deeper analysis. The longer you exist in this state, hollowly mimicking the surrounding people, the more reliant you will become on them for everything. When you conform you take away your own ability to make decisions and choose the life that best suits you.
Warning signs that you’re conforming to others.
Though the slide into conformity can be both subtle and slow, there are always unmistakable signs that you’re living someone else’s truth and not your own. From increased judgements to a completely confused sense of who you are — these are the most common signs that you’re not living within your truth.
Expressive struggles
Conforming means resigning yourself to someone else’s way of doing things, and that leaves very little room for self-expression. Burying yourself in the image of someone else makes it difficult to express the things you need and the things you’re feeling. In order to successfully navigate the difficult emotions and experiences we face in this life, we have to express ourselves and ask for both the things we need and want. When you’re too busy obeying, there’s very little time left to open up for yourself.
Inability to think
Relying on conformity is a dangerous path to take in life, and one that strips you of your ability to make thoughtful, beneficial decisions. Conformity does not allow for individual thought, so if you realize that you can’t make a choice without consulting your friends, your family, your coworkers or even a magazine…it might be time to make some changes. Realizing the full power of our strength requires us to think independently and strike out on our own. Things which can only occur when we’re brave enough to follow our own unique patterns of thinking and belief.
Need to please
Having a high-level need to please isn’t uncommon, and it’s one of the most frequent reasons we find ourselves giving in to the conformity peer-pressure. Because we’re such social creatures, we can often cater desperately to others in order to get that social gratification that we seek. The. problem, however, is that this need to please is superficial — along with any perceived validation that comes from it. If we truly want to connect with others on a meaningful level, we have to do so from an authentic place of being.
Little consistency
It’s hard to stay consistent when you’re constantly chasing the fit of someone else’s gib. Spending your life in the pursuit of other people’s ideas of happiness will leave you constantly changing streams, and running after ideas, plans and goals that add little value or fulfillment to your life. True consistency and stability comes when we learn to steady our hands by taking our own path. When you know who you really are and what you really want, you are no longer stressed by the desires of others.
Confusion of self
Perhaps the biggest sign that you are conforming (when you should be living out loud) is a complete detachment or loss of self. This occurs when you don’t know who you are or what you want, and it happens because you spend all your time defining yourself by other people’s standards. We gain clarity in this life only through turning our vision inward, to get a clear picture of the person who’s dwelling within. If you’re confused on your sense of self, it’s happening because you’re too focused on conforming to someone else.
The best ways to ditch the conformity and live more authentically.
Stop listening only to the opinions of others, and start listening to yourself. You, more than anyone else on this planet, know what you’re good at and know what you want. Pursue those things, and through that pursuit discover who you are again with these techniques.
1. Figure out who’s on the inside
Stop chasing the dreams of other people and spend some time getting to know who you are from the inside out. Humans are astounding creatures, with a vast array of unique characteristics and skills that make us vastly different yet intricately interconnected. You will be able to stop folding yourself down into tinier and tinier boxes when you learn to recognize those powers and skills for what they are and use them to the make the most out of your life.
Take a step back from everything you have going on and start building in some one-on-one time for yourself. Use this time to take a deeper look at who you are and the things you want. Start by embracing your emotions and then move outward. Who do you want to be in 10 years’ time? How about 15?
Don’t expect the answers to come to you overnight and don’t expect the revelations to instantly overpower your desire to fit in. Lean into the process slowly and allow it to be a gradual wooing. Fall in love with yourself, and start embracing your strengths and your flaws as unique pieces of your one-of-a-kind machinery. No one is made like you, and no one wants a future precisely like yours. Overcome your need to conform by figuring out who you are on the inside.
2. Stop the judgement
Often, it is our low self-esteem that leads us down the path to personal conformity. When we’re down on ourselves, or feel like we aren’t good enough, we often look to the examples of others as lifesavers we can cling to. Our inner-critics come in, and wreck our confidence with their endless judgements — which makes us scared and unsure of ourselves. While looking to those we admire is helpful, conforming ourselves to mismatched ideals will do little to provide us with the things we need in order to truly thrive in this world.
Stop judging yourself and take back your power from your inner critic. Shut down those voices that tell you that you aren’t good enough and dismiss (out of hand) any inner dialogue that forces you to believe you can’t lead or do something different from the crowd.
We all have unique skills, perspectives and values to add to the world around us, but we have to embrace those things even when they make us uncomfortable. Drop the comparisons and stop making your journey the sum of someone else’s experience. No one will know your pain, suffering, or joy like you will. No one will ever know the depth of your ability like you will. Stop judging yourself and give yourself the freedom to simply be who you are.
3. Embrace your emotions and interests
Our emotions and our interests can be complex. Likewise, they can be spurned on or discouraged in a number of complex ways. When we bury our emotions, or even the things that we’re passionate about, we bury important aspects of who we are. We have to embrace these pieces of self and value them for what they are so that they don’t overwhelm us, or urge us in the wrong direction.
Take your emotional temperature regularly and explore the feelings that push you toward conformity. Sadness, grief and even unaddressed loneliness can push us into false values and an even more desperate need to be liked. Rather than simply reacting to your emotions, reach into them and work them out from the bottom upward. Then realize your strength and celebrate it.
Once you have a better handle on your emotional wellbeing, reconnect with your interests and get back into the habit of following your passions. In the pursuit of “fitting in” we often give up on the things that bring us genuine pleasure, in pursuit of getting close to the pleasure of other people. Stop denying yourself the skills and pastimes it was meant to embrace. Re-engage with things you love to do and let that be the light that guides you back to your authentic sense of self.
4. Drop the need for approval
Perhaps one of the more common reasons we fold and conform to society is our desperate need for approval. The approval of others can feel nice, and it can feel as though it’s validation. Basing our happiness on the opinions of others is foolhardy, however, and will lead to disappointment every single time. The only approval that can sustain us is our own, because we are the only person who we truly have to live with until the end of our days.
If you’re chasing the approval of other people, rather than seeking your own approval foremost — ask yourself why the opinions of people who don’t pay your bills matters so much? Even if they do contribute to your lifestyle, where is it written that you have to sacrifice yourself for their liking?
Drop your need for the approval of others by getting focused on your own approval. Before you commit to any major change of life, before you get a haircut, or buy a new wardrobe, or exclude someone from the table that other people don’t like…question yourself. Are you doing what you want to do? Or are you doing what someone else expects of you? There is no joy in meeting other people’s expectations. Only your own. Impress yourself and let the others fall in line.
5. Get into the here and now
There is so much power in being present in the right now, but we can lose sight of that when we’re off chasing the Jones’ and fitting our round lifestyles into square holes. Living authentically means being in our bodies, being present with our emotions, and being engaged even when things get hard. Stop checking out and letting the whims of others dictate where you go. Get present in the here and now so you can live your own authentic experience.
Be more present. Life is entirely too short to spend in pursuit of other people’s desires and needs. When you get more focused on being in your body and in your own experience, you’ll learn how to lose your attachment to other people’s opinions. Let them lead their experience, and you find your own.
Presence is powerful, and it can empower you to live courageously in a time which is otherwise uncertain and filled with fear. Start small, and build up your presence by increasing the increments of time you spend engaged and in the moment — removed from thoughts of the past, or worry over the future. Mindful meditations can assist you on this journey, and journalling too is good way to process your thoughts presently and at the moment, without getting close enough to get burned.
6. See the value in your dreams
No matter how confident you are, or how free of the influence of others you might be, you’ll flounder under the pressure of conformity if you don’t recognize the value of your own dreams. The dreams we create are goals, and guideposts for our lives that allow us to test where we’re at and where we want to go. No matter how silly — no matter how small — embrace the things you want from your future and honor their value as you would honor it in anyone else.
Don’t be afraid to make big plans for your future and don’t be afraid to make even bigger plans for action. The things we want from our lives is not an accident. These dreams are the culmination of our passions and our potential. Make the most of that potential by understanding that you may create any future that you want.
Stop putting yourself down and stop putting the things you want in the backseat. There is nothing wrong with wanting a cottage by the sea, or a mansion in the mountains. This life was meant to be pursued, proactively, by each of us with all the fervor of ambition and enjoyment. Value yourself and things you want from this life just as much as you would value them in those you want to impress or connect with. It will make a world of difference for your self-esteem.
7. Celebrate the big and small
The last step in learning how to break free of constant conformity is learning how to celebrate your victories and accomplishments — both big and small. Too often, we lose sight of the things we manage to achieve in the pursuit of our ability to keep up with others. Once you’ve truly let go of your need to fit-in, you’ll be able to see all the victories you’ve managed to achieve and celebrate them for the authentic displays of self they really are.
When we allow ourselves to live authentically, we allow ourselves to shine. The more we shine, the more we achieve those things which mean the most. When you feel good, you perform better. That’s just a fact. Start feeling good by celebrating those things you’ve done well.
Don’t wait until you’ve become the CEO of the company, or are welcoming your first grandchild into the world to give yourself a pat on the back. When you do something well, celebrate it, and don’t shy away from saying “I did this and I’m proud of it.” The only validation that matters is the validation from within. Reward yourself for breaking free and give yourself the praise and recognition that you deserve for overcoming.
Putting it all together…
As humans, we are social creatures, and that can lead to a big need to conform. Conformity occurs when we fold down parts of ourselves in order to fit the standards of another person. It’s burying your authentic desires, needs and dreams; it’s giving up and giving in to other people. When you live constantly in a state of conformity, you lose sight of who you are and what you want truly want. Start living authentically if you want to live happily.
Figure out who you are on the inside and spend some time getting brutally honest on how you’re feeling and what you want from your life. Don’t shy away from the truth just because you think it might conflict with the desires of someone else. Stop judging yourself, and stop punishing yourself for perceived mistakes. We are all beautifully unique in our own ways, with several skills that make us valuable players in our environments. Embrace your emotions and embrace your interests and your passions too. Drop your need for the approval for others and lean instead into being present in your body right here and right now. There is value in your dreams, so chase them with the full fervor of your heart. We are the only ones with the power to define our own lives and our happiness. Celebrate the steps you take, both big and small, and start going after the life that is authentically yours.
