Your inner child needs to be healed
Are you struggling to find happiness? Struggling to make sense of your life? It may be time for you to heal your inner child.
by: E.B. Johnson
We all have inner children, and they often live in those places where we are most scared to look. These children are formed in our earliest days, when we first struggle to make sense of the world. They are the buffer that holds on to all that early pain and trauma, and they are the reference point by which we learn to see the world and everyone in it.
Some are lucky to live with an inner child who is happy and whole, but this is not the case for everyone. For those who came from painful and dysfunctional backgrounds, trauma runs deep into the soul of the inner child and requires very concentrated and very real emotional and physical healing. Don’t allow your inner child to remain in pain forever. Heal them so that you can find happiness in this life.
We all have an inner child.
There is no shame in healing our inner children. In fact, it is the only way we can unlock the power of true joy and transformation in our lives. We all have inner children, and we all rely on that inner child to connect with and enjoy the world and the relationships around us. Is your inner child in pain? Are they crying out for the love they didn’t get when they needed it?
It’s time for you to begin the healing process. It’s time for you to step up to the plate for that child, and it’s time for you to become the parent they always deserved. The suffering in your past doesn’t have to define your future, but it will unless you allow your inner child to come out of the shadows and thrive.
Now is the time for action. Accept what happened back then and accept who it has made you today. Hug your inner child and let them know that it’s safe. What was is no longer. Reach out and build the support systems that can help you start resolving your hurt and your suffering. Then re-parent yourself the right way and teach yourself that the only way to move forward is to let go of the pain in your past.
Signs your inner child is in need of healing.
Is your inner child in need of healing? There’s a number of signs we can look for which indicate a deep suffering or need for resolution. In order to find peace and happiness, we have to embrace this pain for what it is and move forward in good faith and belief in our right to thrive.
Feeling a sense of loss
A deep sense of unexplainable loss or longing can often be traced back to an inner child who is lacking in love and compassion. Children need to be validated by those they look up to. It’s how they form their reference point in this world and perspective of self. When something missing in your life (from the inside out) we have to look to the past. Does this sense of emptiness stem from an inner child who never got the love they deserve?
Inability to let go
Do you struggle to let go of people and of things? Does the slightest departure feel like abandonment? That’s usually your inner child calling out in fear. Perhaps they were abandoned by someone they trusted, and it leads to a panic any time they see similar patterns in the future. It causes you to fear letting go of anyone or anything. You may even begin to hoard memories like valuables. Letting go is a part of healing, though, and a part of moving forward.
Failing to assert boundaries
What happens when you try to stand up for yourself or set boundaries in your relationships? Are you good at making your limits clear? Or do you find that you always get pushed around, or pushed in the direction of what the other person wants? Unsurprisingly, an inability to set mental, emotional, or sexual boundaries often stems from a childhood in which we were punished for doing those things; teaching us it’s not safe to say “no” to others.
Needing perfection
Perfectionism is a double-edged sword which leads to a lot of problems when not properly managed. More often than not, it also stems from childhood, where we learned that in order to be loved or accepted, we have to “be the best”. This compulsive desire to prove yourself to others is toxic. It comes from a need to prove superiority over others, which comes always from a place of deep-rooted insecurity.
Losing control emotionally
Do you find that you have a hard time regulating your emotions? Do you blow up or lash out regularly when things don’t go your way? Do you lose control and strike a painful blow before anyone else is allowed to hurt you? Emotional regulation is a skill learned in childhood, but when we fail to learn the skill, it leads to dysregulation in adulthood. This impacts our interpersonal relationships, and even the professional opportunities we attract.
Motivated by fear
Inner children who are broken turn into adults who are motivated by fear. These are adults who fear everything. Their fear motivates the way they connect, the way they see themselves, and even the things they pursue in their lives. This fear is instilled by caretakers who teach them that the world is dangerous and that their love is even more dangerous. These inner children fear getting it right as much as they fear getting it wrong.
Inability to complete tasks
Do you find yourself with unfinished to-do lists all the time? Do you start a million tasks, but fail to complete any of them? Believe it or not, this can be a sign of an inner child that’s struggling. You may flit from task-to-task out of insecurity, and you may fail to complete any of them out of a fear that it won’t turn out “good enough” or acceptable enough for the people you love.
Addiction issues
Addiction is a disease of the brain, and it’s something we can fall into as we tragically attempt to numb the pain of a dysfunctional childhood. Find someone who is addicted to alcohol, drugs, or even risky behavior, and you will find someone with an inner child who is hurt, confused, and struggling to find the coping mechanisms they need to overcome the disease that’s destroying them.
Struggling with trust
Our ideas on trust and allowance are formed early in our childhood years. We learn from the examples of our parents, our siblings, and other family members what it means to trust one another in life, love, and everything in-between. When we see our parents betray us (or one another) it teaches us that nothing is safe, and that trust is something which will always be betrayed.
Overwhelmed by hopelessness
Do you feel like everything in your life is hopeless? Do you fail to see the point in going on? This overwhelming sense of nothingness can stem from a child who learned fear and pain at far too young an age. Rather than allowing ourselves to remain overwhelmed by hopelessness, we owe our inner child a returned sense of joy and child-like hope.
How to heal your inner child and find happiness.
You don’t have to wait to heal your inner child. You don’t have to look for a perfect time, or wait for someone else’s permission. Healing can be engaged now, and you can start transforming your happiness now. You’ll have to commit to the process, though, and know that you and your inner child are worth all the joy and all the fulfillment in the world.
1. Acknowledge them and their pain
All healing journeys have to start somewhere and, more often than not, that is with acknowledgement and acceptance. We have to accept our inner child and everything that they are. We have to accept what happened to them, and the price that was paid for that damage. Forming a path to healing can’t happen until we know which direction to head in.
Get your head out of the shadows and look honestly at reality. What has happened to your inner child? Why are they suffering and what events in your past have taught them to be broken and in fear of themselves and the world? Healing is waiting for you, but it starts with honesty.
Your inner child deserves to be acknowledged, and they will only respond to you when you admit to what went wrong. This is how we learn new ways to connect with the world and our loved ones. This is how we create a clean slate for ourselves and learn new behaviors that attract opportunity and joy to us. Hug your inner child and hold them close. Promise to help them feel better and honestly accept everything that went wrong in your past.
2. Make it safe for them again
An inner child who is suffering is one who is living through repeated patterns of pain and upset. To them, the past is the present. They see the people that hurt them in every new face. They see the potential for destruction and trauma in every new experience. If you want to be happy, you have to teach them that the world is safe. Do this by proving it through you own bravery.
Bring your inner child out of the dark. Engage in fun new experiences which prove to them that the world is still filled with beauty and opportunity. Entice them out. Show them that — even when things go wrong — you’re there to support them and be the safety net they always should have had.
Reassure your inner child and let them know that you walk beside them now. While the past might have been marked by a parent who wasn’t there for them, you are a support that will never leave their side. Let them know that you will be there for them whenever things get hard. They don’t have to protect themselves anymore. They have you, and you are strong enough and capable enough to determine the course of your own life.
3. Build the right support systems
Our support systems can make all the difference in healing our inner children or leaving them in pain. While we are responsible for our healing, our support systems provide us with the motivation and perspective we need to keep fighting when things get tough. You need to be surrounded by people who want the best for you. Not because it provides them with anything, but because they love you and know you are capable of healing.
Find friends and family you can trust. Look for people who know you inside and out, and the people who never judge you. This is not to say we should look for people who enable us, or those who allow us to ignore the pain we’re in. Sometimes tough love is the love we need for both ourselves and our inner children.
Don’t just limit yourself to friends and family, though. The trauma our inner children undergo runs deep, and sometimes it takes more than just a sympathetic ear to find resolution. Look for a mental health professional with experience in childhood trauma. Allow their expertise to help you on your journey. Their knowledge can help you safely uncover pain points that need to be healed. You don’t have to do it on your own, and sometimes you shouldn’t.
4. Re-parent yourself the right way
Broken inner children are often the products of broken caretakers who instilled their offspring with trauma (both intentionally and unintentionally). In order for us to heal these inner children, we have to step in and become the parents that they never had. We have to teach them how to find emotional stability, and we have to teach them better methods of connecting with the world around them.
Re-parent yourself the right way. Look at your inner child honestly and look at the patterns and belief systems which are having the biggest impact on your quality of life. How can you teach them that loving someone is safe? How can you teach them to stop lashing out at the world and the people who matter?
Be the compassionate sounding board they never had. Remove all the judgements and all the fear that has held them back. Show them what a safe caretaker is. Show them someone who values them exactly as they are; someone who doesn’t expect them to perform for love or acceptance. Set boundaries for them and be strict, but in the most loving of ways.
5. Allow them to let go of the past
Our inner children are created in our pasts, in the points of childhood in which we struggled to make sense of the world. They are the first image of self that we build, and they are a foundation from which we grow and learn to relate with others and our environment. Until you heal this inner being, they will forever exist in a loop of the past. For true happiness, we have to release them and show them all the beauty the future can provide.
Children need guidance, and they need encouragement. Bad as the pain might be, it is familiar to your inner child and they will dwell there as long as you allow them to. You need to push them into the future. You need to pull them out of their pain and let them know they have no responsibility to hold on to the past.
Encourage your inner child. Reward them. Show them all the opportunity that’s out there waiting for them. There are new people to meet; there’s so much laughter to be had. We will never be able to get there, though, unless we can work as a team with our inner child and move beyond the pain which binds us to the mistakes of someone else’s yesterday. Let go of the past together if you want to unlock the future.
Putting it all together…
When we live adult lives that are full of chaos and suffering, it can usually be traced back to an inner child who is deeply wounded and in pain. Our inner children dwell at the core of our beliefs and outlooks. If we want to build lives which are happier and more fulfilling, we have to let go of our pain and we do this by allowing our inner children to blossom and to heal.
Acknowledge your inner child and acknowledge the pain which they’re in. Until you accept where you’re at, you can’t make any effective plans for healing in the future. Little-by-little, make it safe for your inner child to reveal themselves. Show them that it’s safe to be who they are and to live the life that makes them happy. Reach out and build the right support systems. This includes any mental and physical health professionals which can help you work through the trauma of your past. Then, figure out how to re-parent yourself the right way, and offer your inner child the love and compassion they never received from the parents who brought them into this world.
