You’re looking for all the wrong things in love
Are your relationships brutal, challenging, or brief? It could be a sign that you’re looking for all the wrong things in love.
by: E.B. Johnson
No matter who you are or where you come from, there are substantial odds that you have pursued romantic love at some point in your lifetime. For many, we are taught that this is one of the most important things we can achieve in life. The partner, the wedding, the house with the picket fence. It’s the chase that never ends for some. But why? Why do we chase this love? And beyond that, why do so many of us go off chasing all the wrong things in this love?
When you come to see a partnership as simply the automatic next step, or you use it as a means to an end — you will find yourself burdened with troubled and pained partnerships that limp along in misery. Until we learn to re-prioritize our needs and align those needs with the action, we take within our relationships, there is little hope of building a future that is equitable and fulfilling. If we want to find true and lasting love, we have to first stand on our own two feet and see passion and love as a compliment, rather than an end-all-be-all conquest.
Love is more complicated than we think.
Were you someone who was brought up to believe that love was something that came easily and stayed forever? Many of us (at some point or another) fall for the narrative of magical love and its mystically transformative properties. We invest all our energy in to a “love at first sight” mentality that tells us we fall once and then must ride or die into whatever chaotic eternity comes next. We look for partners who carry us, or we look for people to provide a meaning we should be providing for ourselves.
Love is far more complicated than we have traditionally been led to think. It’s not a magical event, it’s a course of work that takes a lot of energy and a lot of commitment every single day. That’s why one-sided relationships don’t work, and why partnerships based on superficial pressures always collapse. Unless you build a life with someone you truly love, the motivation to overcome adversity just won’t last. We have to be honest about who we are and what we want (specifically) from this life.
That means getting to know who we are outside of a partnership, while looking inward to identify the toxic patterns that have kept us moving in the direction of all the wrong people. Once you know who you are and what you want, you can find a truly equal partner who wants those same things and is willing to work for them. That doesn’t mean someone who will carry you. It means someone who will compliment your journey and encourage you to do better. When we spend our lives chasing the wrong ideals in love, the more challenging and clouded our futures become.
Signs you’re looking for all the wrong things in love.
Are you constantly dealing with drama, pain, or heartache in your relationships? Do you find yourself constantly struggling uphill against partners who just don’t seem to have what it takes to love you? You might be looking for the wrong things when it comes to your life and the people you choose to fill it with you.
Outward validation
When it comes to love, so many of us fall in with the wrong people because we’re desperately searching for outward validation. Failing to get enough love or support early on in life can lead to a chase that lasts all your adult life. Feeling as though you were never good enough for past partners or even your caretakers, you start to look for other people who will tell you that you’re worthy or good enough to be loved and valued. The problem, however, is that we are the only ones who can provide that validation and subsequent sense of worth to ourselves.
Unquestioning (and total) support
Are you looking for a partner who will support you totally and without question? This might come down to a complete financial bolstering, or you might expect them to do all the physical and emotional labor when it comes to building a life and a home together. However it’s managed, when you fall into this trap you can find yourself looking for more of a lackey in your laziness, than a help-meet and equal that can inspire you when things get challenging.
Bragging rights
Although it is the most superficial of all the struggles, some people find themselves in failing relationships because they’re chasing the most superficial of standards. Seeking a partner who is considered a “trophy” or who gives you a sense of pride or “bragging rights” is no way to go about building a relationship that can last or overcome. While physical attraction is important, it fades. There must be a substantial alignment of needs and values beneath the surface in order to survive the natural course of time.
A leg up in life (or society)
While a good deal of us may look for a partner who can provide financial security, there are an even larger number who look for a partner who can bolster their trajectory through society. This isn’t to say we’re all looking for millionaire socialites. But it is to say that there are some who pursue relationships not out of a desire to love someone, but out of a desire to meet cultural and societal standards. Marriage and partnership can be a leg up in life to those who inhabit specific circles.
Moving undetected
We all feel weird or feel like we don’t belong at some point in our lives. For some of us, this feeling can be quite overwhelming and it forces us to flee into the boxes we feel we should “check”. For some, this can mean forcing a relationship that just doesn’t work, no matter the costs. You find the first person who is willing to sign up and fight to create a world that is a poor fit for both partners. All in the name of fitting some standards or ideals that have been hoisted upon you by society or your cultural and religious standards.
The missing piece
For many in this world, family means everything. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to see your partner as simply a means to getting that family you’ve always dreamed of. This happens when you aren’t really that interested in growing with them. They’re just a sperm / egg bank to you, or the last piece needed in a very complicated puzzle you’re working out for yourself. While building a family is a special process you have a right to undertake, you should do it with someone who genuinely wants to have that same experience with you.
Indentured servitude
Believe it or not, not everyone is looking for someone who will provide them with financial or emotional support. Though it’s hard to fathom, there are those who see relationships as a quick and easy way to acquire an indentured servant in life. These individuals look for someone to be submissive or to compliantly follow them through life, while meeting their every whim and giving in to every desire. No matter what your religion or your beliefs might lead you to believe, this isn’t love — it’s servitude, and a dangerous way to find yourself stuck and alienated from everything that matters.
Better things to look for in true and lasting love.
You can transform the way you look at relationships by transforming the way you look at yourself. Stop looking for validation and focus on identifying what you really need from life. Stop looking for a meal ticket and start standing on your own two feet. There are a million ways you can reshape the way you see love, but these 5 basics are a good place to start.
1. Stand on your own two feet
Before you can ever hope to build a happy life with another person, you have to build a happy life for yourself. Think of it like putting yourself on the right track. In order to find “the right person” you have to be in the right place and surrounded by the right opportunities. Beyond that, you also have to be the best possible version of yourself if you want any hope of attracting the best possible partner of your dreams. Standing on your own two feet empowers you to see true love from the best angle available.
Spend some time getting familiar with who you are and what you want from life. Then, figure out your own course of action to getting those things — free of dependency on another person. Embrace your independence. Revel in it and find the power in supporting and providing for yourself. When you do this, you’ll attract other people in a similar place on their journeys. Ambitious, stable. You’ll find people that finally have it together.
Loving partnerships aren’t about finding people who can alleviate the burden of living. We alone are responsible for the pressures, stress, and baggage that constitutes our journey here on this planet. No one can (or should) be responsible for providing what we can provide for ourselves. No one should have to bear the burden of healing us, or making us feel as though we have meaning and purpose. Do you want a relationship that’s balanced, equitable, and built on the knowledge that you can rely on one another? Start by standing on your own.
2. Know exactly who you are
Beyond independence, it’s crucial that we also know who we are in order to build relationships that fit our needs. You can’t know what you want from life or love until you know who you are. Knowing who we are builds our confidence and allows us to move in the direction that best suits our dreams, desires, and personality. It also allows us to identify the people who compliments those things, while setting boundaries that protects us from those who disrespect our needs.
Instead of waiting for another person to define you, get to know who you are and what you want from your life. Identify your passions, be brutally honest about what you need from a career, a family, your friendship groups, or even where you live. Figure out all those little moving pieces of your life and then ask yourself, “What person best fits this vision?”
Fall in love with yourself. Focus on cultivating a self-confidence that enables you to embrace all that you are with wild and reckless abandon. Open up to that inner child and allow them to lead you in the direction of that authentic sense of purpose and meaning. Rather than chasing other people and the things they can offer you, spend some time chasing everything you can provide for yourself. Celebrate your victories and allow them to fulfill that need to belong, and that need to be seen and valued.
3. Build complimentary partnerships
In the days of our parents and grandparents, there was a different standard for relationships, as well as what constituted “love”. Today, we have a more equalized view on what it means to build a life together, and we have a more complete view of independence as it retains to our individuality. Rather than seeing relationships as something to “escape” into, we have to start seeing them as a complimentary asset to an already blooming and thriving life.
Stop looking for someone who can rescue you. Stop looking for someone who is going to cut in and take all the work off your shoulders. Look, instead, for someone who adds to your life more than they detract from it. Find someone who compliments you, your skills, your drive. Discover a person who wants to grow beside you, rather than in front of (or behind) you.
Complimentary relationships provide us comfort and support without getting in the way of our journey. A complimentary partner is not one who tells you what you want to hear, they are someone who tells you what you need to hear — even when it’s hard. They want the best for you, but they want you to provide the best for yourself. Because they know the limitless depth of your ability, and they believe in what you want because it’s what they want too.
4. Set standards and boundaries
Our standards and our boundaries are a crucial part of forming any relationship, though it’s one we often overlook or easily push aside. Standards are the bars of behavior and belief we set for ourselves and those we surround ourselves with. Our boundaries are the security lines we put up, and the way in which we communicate what’s expected of those we love. When we give up these things, we give up on our values and our needs in a way that can be dangerous in intimate partnerships.
Rather than allowing someone else to dictate where the lines are drawn for you, draw those lines for yourself. Figure out what standard of companionship you need in order to feel as though your energy is being well spent. Define (explicitly) what the perfect partner looks and feel like to you, then consider what you are and aren’t willing to accept from them.
Understand that you have a right to hold boundaries that are just as hard and fast as your partners. Know that you’re allowed to walk away when someone disrespect you and know that you are allowed to have self-respect and self-worth. Those things aren’t given up in the name of another person. We bolster them by getting specific about our standards of life and love, while setting the boundaries that protect our needs and our wellbeing from those who would hurt us or do us harm.
5. Re-prioritize needs and action
Are you someone who has stumbled from relationship-to-relationship, blindly hoping that you’ll find the right answer somewhere in the chaos? This often comes from an inability to define your own needs, while aligning them with appropriate action. Having no sense of direction, you fall into one toxic partnership and then next. You have to identify your needs, then align yourself with the action that moves you towards those needs.
If you want a family, stop chasing players. If you want a big penthouse with a landing pad and a CEO spouse, take some night courses and get in the entrepreneurial spirit yourself. Stop jumping into the arms of the first person who will let you, while assuming they’ll be able to provide the things you need. If you want something, you need to take your own action to provide that.
Outside of this alignment of action, you need to re-prioritize your views on love and relationships. Is it really the most important thing in your life? If you were on your deathbed tomorrow — and the only thing you had accomplished was one (broken, failed, but) truly loving relationship — would that be enough? Or do you want to do more? Do you want to help more people and leave more of a legacy behind? There’s no right or wrong answer. The only wrong solution is putting yourself in a box that doesn’t fit.
Putting it together…
Love is a powerful thing and it can move us into some truly strange places. Although our relationships mean a lot to us, they can become toxic and defeating when we chase the wrong things in these partnerships. Rather than just looking for a meal ticket or an endless font of support, we should seek to build complimentary partnerships only after taking some time to truly get to know who we are.
Spend some time standing on your own two feet rather than searching for someone to carry you through this life. We alone can find that happiness, healing, and fulfillment that we’re looking for. Embrace your independence and find those things for yourself before you involve someone else in your struggles. Know who you are so that you can know who you truly need and seek to build relationships that compliment your journey…rather than defining them. Relationships are beautiful and powerful things, but they shouldn’t be the center of our existence. Branch out on your own and chase your own identity and passions. Then, set some standards of life and love that allow you to create boundaries (and relationships that work for you). Tired of the constant on-again-off-again struggle? Re-prioritize what intimate relationships mean to you, then align that with your needs and your action.
