You’re the toxic person in your relationship

Tired of everything going wrong in your relationship? It’s time to admit that you’re the toxic common denominator.

by: E.B. Johnson

Relationships are not easy to navigate, nor are they easy to manage. No matter how hard we try our partnerships fail sometimes. Despite this pain there is an opportunity to learn, however. As well as an opportunity to identify the toxic patterns and habits that are making it difficult to tear down your walls. If you’ve encountered one failed relationship after another, it might be time to consider the fact that your own toxic habits are to blame.

Accepting that you’re the toxic common denominator isn’t easy, but it is necessary. Until we see and accept those parts of ourselves which are “ugly” or undesirable, we can’t correct them and allow our true beauty and compassion to shine. In order to build the relationships we’ve always dreamed of, we must first rebuild ourselves and our understanding of intimacy and the habits that keep us from being good partners. Though it’s not an easy process, it is a rewarding one — and a journey that leaves us better for the traveling.

It takes two to tango.

Our relationships are not one-sided affairs. They take a lot of energy and work from all parties involved, and they take a lot of commitment and internal recognition. Who we are on the inside impacts who we are on the outside, and that takes a huge toll on our partnerships when we’re stuck in constant patterns of toxic behavior and toxic attachment. In order to break that curse of the endless bad relationship streak, we have to take a good hard look inside and be honest about who we really are (and what we need to improve).

It takes two people to make a relationship fail, but a single toxic person can find themselves with a wake of heartbreak and failed partnerships behind them. Why? Because their toxic patterns of behavior, belief and emotion make them impossible to love and even harder to get close to. Does every relationship you have end in a blaze of explosive sparks? It might be time to consider that you’re the toxic common denominator.

Breaking free of our toxic relationship behaviors takes time, but it also takes brutal honesty before and above all else. We have to look at ourselves and peer deep in places that are both dark and uncomfortable if we want to face up to our fears and insecurities, and create better relationships right here, right now. You don’t have to stumble through battleground after battleground. You can build more peaceful partnerships by facing up to your darkness and admitting that you’re the toxic partner. Acceptance, after all, is the first step to correction and resolution.

Where our toxic behavior comes from.

Our toxic behaviors of attachment and reaction come from various places and points on our timelines. They begin in childhood, when our parents give us our first glimpse into our definitions of love, but it’s played out through our own subsequent run-ins with romance. The first step in overcoming our toxic relationship habits is recognizing where they come from.

Childhood examples

The examples set for you in childhood are important, and they form the baseline for the behaviors and habits we will exhibit later on in life. If you are someone who came from a turbulent or dysfunctional home, you might find that you echo the examples set for you by your mother, father and even older siblings or grandparents. This generational trauma is passed down and eats away at long-term happiness child-after-child.

Relationship trauma

Our childhoods are not the only place that trauma comes to bend and break important pieces of our inner identity. Relationship trauma experienced later on in life can go a long way to impact our attachment habits too, turning us into insecure partners that desperately seek outward validation while expecting infidelity and abuse as the norm. When we experience trauma in our romantic relationships, it’s important not to avoid it and not minimize or downplay it.

Problematic attachment

If you are someone with a history of either trauma above, you might find yourself dealing with an avoidant attachment style or even an insecure attachment style. In the former style, you become a commitment-phobe who continually wrecks relationships in order to avoid getting close enough to someone to get hurt. The latter (by reverse) causes you to cling obsessively to partners and base your entire identity off of their approval or disapproval.

Unaddressed insecurities

Beyond our problematic attachment styles, we can also find ourselves dealing with a wide array of other insecurities that make it hard for us to connect genuinely with someone. This can include physical insecurities and even financial insecurities, which can lead to lies and emotional explosions that keep our partners confused, uncertain or otherwise put-off by our behavior. When we feel insecure about something we must face up to it and address it, or we our subconscious taking matters into its own hands (and taking it out on our partners).

Common warning signs that you’re the toxic partner.

So, still uncertain whether you’re the toxic partner in your relationship equations? These are a few of the concrete signs that you might be the one causing most of the problems in your continually failing partnerships.

Throwing down threats

No relationship has ever been made better for being threatened or otherwise held against acts of physical and emotional violence. It’s not healthy to hold your relationship hostage, and each time you do that you erode the trust and faith of your partner. Threatening to walk out on your partner, cheat on them, or even out them to their families — are all forms of toxic disrespect and disregard for both your spouse and your relationship.

Bringing in interference

Think back to the last time you and your significant other got into a major conflict. When things got bad, did you rely on one another to figure things out? Or did you go running to outside sources to do the heavy lifting for you? When our relationships hit trouble, it’s our responsibility to work it out. Running to friends and family members for support is great, but encouraging them to get involved is both toxic and corrosive to your relationship — and theirs.

Crippling self-esteem issues

Crippling self-esteem issues might seem like an internal matter only, but these issues ooze out between the cracks and permeate every other area of our lives (our romantic relationships included). The more insecure you are in yourself and your abilities, the more desperate you will be to find validation in others. This leads to insecure attachment and eventual resentment and contempt from our partners; who are pushed away by our inability to stand on our own two feet.

Withdrawing in the tough times

Romantic relationships are never easy, despite what people might tell you. Every partnership requires effort and energy from everyone involved, and that becomes more true the longer your relationship endures. If you withdraw in the tough times, shut down, or even run away completely — you have a toxic and destructive way of dealing with things that can seriously damage the mental and emotional wellbeing of the people you claim to love.

One-way only

Partnerships are just that — partnerships. This means that both parties have to commit to an equal amount of work and effort in order to make things work. That requires both partners to inhabit space side-by-side, rather than in an inferior and superior setup. Your control issues or demands for a relationship done your way is toxic. If your needs are the only ones that matter…you’re the toxic partner.

Putting them on eggshells

If you hold your relationship (and your partner) hostage with emotional threats or violence, then you will eventually elevate the tension in the relationship to an unbearable level. Little-by-little, trust and affection will erode and stress and anxiety will take their place. A partner who walks on eggshells, constantly in fear that anything they say or do will set you off, is not someone in love with you. They are someone in fear of you.

Forcing them to change

Though it is a hard truth to accept, we alone have the power to change ourselves. We cannot change other people, nor should we want to. Forcing your partner to change — whether it be through threats, violence, or other coercion — is toxic and damaging both to your relationship and your self-esteem. As you push and push for your partner to make strides, resentment will grow and change will stall.

Zero trust or privacy

Trust and privacy are necessary in every relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together or whether you inhabit the same space. You must trust your partner, and your partner must trust you. Likewise, you both must have enough space to retain your individuality and your passions. When you become obsessed with the idea that your partner is unfaithful or working against you, your worst most toxic aspects spin out of control. Your trust erodes rapidly and you soon find your relationship suffering from a complete lack of faith or respect.

Abuse, abuse, abuse

If you abuse your partner — in any form — you are a toxic person. Whether the pain you deal out to them leaves a bruise or an emotional stain, it doesn’t matter. Abuse is unacceptable, and it’s a maladaptive way to deal with our own unresolved pain and traumas. There’s never an excuse for abusing someone or manipulating them. True love does not push us into coercion. It pushes us into the arms of truth and transformation.

How to break your toxic relationship patterns.

There are some concrete basics you can use to break your toxic relationship patterns. It’s not about looking to your partner for answers, however. It’s about looking inside and facing up to the baggage that’s holding you back emotionally. You must have patience, faith, and — above all — commitment. Dropping the toxic means finding your good vibes and striving to be a better you from the inside out.

1. Find your good vibes

Once you’ve identified the fact that you’ve got some toxic hangups, you need to take a step back and figure out how you can get reconnected with the good in your life. When we get so caught up in all the negative events in our lives and our pasts, it can cause us to form a corrosive world view that eats away at all the good and possibility we are able to see. By finding your good vibes, you can start your journey to release the right way and in the right frame of mind.

Take some time for yourself, away from your relationship, and get back in touch with your good vibes. Much of our toxic relationship behavior feeds off of our insecurities and subsequent co-dependencies. Rather than obsessing over your partner, give yourself some space to reconnect with those things (and passions) which reinvigorate your life and self-esteem.

Fill that time and that space with things that relax you, or things that ease your sense of tension, anxiety and worry. Reach for those passions you can lose yourself in, or the pastimes that allow you to process your emotions without the screaming, raging and over-the-top emotions. The closer you get to soothing yourself, the easier it become to accept and process those dark recesses of self that must be overcome in order to build better relationships.

2. Reconnect with values

Values form an important part of our journey here on this plane, and they go a long way in defining who we are and what we want in this life. Our values guide us toward the experiences and people that bring us fulfillment, but when we are out of touch or out of sync with those values — everything changes. We have to reconnect with our values in order to re-calibrate everything from our behaviors to our perspective. It’s a key part of the process, but one that often requires some hard questioning.

Aside from your spouse or significant other, spend some time reconnecting with your values as a person and as a partner. Look at your relationship. Is it aligned with your integrity? Does your partner bring out the worst in you, or encourage you to center yourself around experiences and behaviors that aren’t authentically in-tune with your needs?

Question what matters to you and do it across every plane imaginable. Question where your values lie when it comes to family, friends, and your career. Consider your relationship. Is this the partnership you imagined for yourself 10 years ago? What about the person that you’re standing beside? Do they compliment your natural skill and resilience? When we reconnect with our values, we reconnect with the things that are important, and that allows us to take action in the name of our needs and build happier, more authentic lives.

3. Discover more to be grateful for

The more gratitude you are able to cultivate in your life, the easier it will become to spot the negative and toxic patterns and behaviors that fill it. When we are happy, it’s easier to face the unhappiness. When we’re unhappy, all we want to do is avoid the hard stuff at any cost. Cultivate gratitude so that you have the courage to look at yourself for exactly who and what you are, and who and what you can become.

Discover more to be grateful for in your partner and your relationship. Look at your life as it stands now, and then consider what it would be without the love, respect and companionship of all the people who you love and respect. The more gratitude you discover in your relationships, the more beauty and equity you will find within them and yourself.

This does not mean you cannot acknowledge the challenges in your life. It simply means that you must consciously make an effort to see the world around you in a more positive way. Every time you are faced with something you don’t like about your partner — something that aggravates you, or sends you over the edge — focus on something you love about them just as much. Compare the two. Gratitude wins every time.

4. Re-center your self-care

When we lose touch with our authentic selves we spiral out of control. This happens for a number of reasons, but it often stems from insecurity and a need to seek validation in other people. By re-grounding ourselves and re-learning how to prioritize our needs, we can find a powerful detachment in our relationships that allows us to love and be loved in new and transformative ways.

Rather than focusing on all the bad in your life, and shifting that negativity onto your partner, it’s important that you realize the power of getting back to the center of you. This means reconnecting with your core, and investing in some self care so you can soften those edges that are making you tough to the world.

Self-care isn’t just bubble baths and massages. It’s an actual, physical and mental investment in your wellbeing. Don’t just invest in casual activities that boost your momentary happiness. Understand that things like therapy are also “self-care”, as they help to improve our lives and our wellbeing. Through this, our relationships are also improved as our toxic habits are exposed and corrected through internal effort.

5. Shifting the perspective

If you are truly seeking to move away from the negative and toxic patterns and habits that are pushing your partners away, you have to learn to see life from a new perspective. This means letting go of thing that we thought were important and forcing ourselves to see the beautiful lessons in the bad moments in the darkness. It also means seeing ourselves in a whole new light, and the relationships we seek as well.

Stop looking at relationships as something to be acquired or chased. Stop looking for partners that fit you like fashionable accessories. Shift your perspective, and start to see your partnerships as living, breathing organisms that are brought to life by the mutual energy (and efforts) of two people with the same life goals.

Drop the “me, me, me” mentality, and enjoy the art of mutual compromise, equity and respect. There is so much growing and learning that can be done within the bounds of a romantic relationship, but it requires us to remove ourselves as the sole champion of the narrative and open up the story for other people too. Make room in your life for growth, and you will find love. Stay stuck in your cycles of breaking up and making up? You already know where that ends.

Putting it all together…

Look back over your romantic record. Is there a mile-long list of broken hearts and shattered disappointments? If every relationship you’ve ever been in has ended in a show of sparks and drama — it might be time to admit that you’re the common denominator. You can overcome these toxic patterns, but that requires some brutal honesty and commitment to seeing things for what they truly are.

If you’re the toxic partner, take a step back from all the clinging, and the fighting, and the drama to reconnect with your good vibes. Find your happy place again, and from there a launching off point to release all this toxicity that’s clinging to you. Reach deep into that bag of values and make an effort to source those things which actually add meaning and purpose to your life. Rediscover your gratitude and use this gratitude to shift your perspective on self, life, relationships and love. Center yourself around some self-care and learn how to prioritize your own needs again, rather than looking for that fulfillment in someone else. We alone have the power to overcome our toxic attachment habits, but for that we must dig deep and face up to both our darkness and our fears. If you’re the toxic partner…take heart. Just because you were that person then does not mean you have to remain that person forever.