You aren’t ready for a serious commitment (and this is why)

Some people aren’t built for comitted relationships. These are the signs you’re better-off flying solo…for now.

by: E.B. Johnson

It seems like everywhere you look you’re confronted with images of happy, committed relationships. Society pushes us to pair off and get married before many of us have a chance to truly consider what we want from ourselves and our lives. Making a serious commitment to someone is nothing to be taken lightly, yet many of us jump into the deep end before we ever ask ourselves, “Am I ready for a committed relationship?”

We have to take time to discover the things we want from our futures before we commit our lives to other people. Through this self-exploration, we discover our confidence and our strength — but we also discover the things that mean the most when it comes to love and partnership. Don’t leap into someone’s arms if you aren’t sure that you’re ready to stand beside them in the long run. Figure out first whether you’re ready for a committed relationship.

Commitment means more than sticking around.

When it comes to committed relationships, everyone has their own unique perspective. To some, this means marriage and 2.5 kids. To others, it means going with the flow and keeping things fast and loose. Commitment is a complex and nuanced thing, but no matter what a committed relationship looks like to you, it still means far more than simply sticking around.

To be committed to a partner means to be present for them both physically and emotionally. It means supporting them and — sometimes — compromising on things you want to do, for things they need to do.

Committing to someone means committing to a certain level of give-and-take. It also means committing to the good times, the bad times, and everything else in-between. Before you settle down for the long-term, it’s crucial that you take some time to consider those things which are most important to you and your life. Only when you know who you are can you efficiently align your life with someone who wants the same or similar things.

Why we struggle with commitment.

Our struggles or misunderstandings of commitment don’t happen by accident. They have a number of root causes and each one of these varies greatly dependent upon our own experience. In order to get to the root of what we really want, we have to understand where our current hesitation comes from.

Poor past examples

Growing up with parents or caretakers who struggled to commit to us (or their own partners) can cause real conflict when it comes to your own later definitions of commitment. Our parents provide the baseline by which we define the course of our lives, and we perpetuate their foibles and insecurities for decades after they’re gone. In order to overcome the examples they gave us, we have to identify the patterns and then name our own needs.

Failing to understand love

Sit for a moment and think about what love really means to you. For some, it means intense and passionate sex lives. To some, it might mean unfailing support and loyalty. We each have a right to form our own perspective of love and commitment, but when these perspectives become warped or misaligned with we are — we can find ourselves dealing with some serious heartache. It’s necessary to reassess who we are and what we want as we move through this life, and that includes commitment and romance.

Insecurity and fear

Are you someone who deals with a lot of personal insecurity or fear? The longer you allow these personal conflicts to go unaddressed, the bigger a toll they will take on your relationships. The lower we believe ourselves to be, the more we settle for things and for people who don’t suit us. As we tumble from one relationship to the next, we come to believe that commitment is about battling or suffering. This negative feedback, in turn, shifts us away from love and into the world of bitter pessimism.

Self-centered outlook

Selfish people aren’t always the most pleasant people to be around, especially if you are trying to build a life with them. This type of committed relationship takes compromise, and that’s something they just can’t do. They have a right to have their own way, though, and that’s something imperative to accept. The only problem is when we try to force our own reality on someone who has different dreams for their own life. Dreams that include romance and a supportive partner that can step outside of themselves.

Mismatched relationships

If you’re struggling with commitment — despite everything being “perfect” on paper — then it can be an indication of a serious mismatch. Sometimes, we want to commit but our intuition prevents it. This results, more often than not, in forcing yourself to stay in a partnership in which the needs and values you both share aren’t aligned. We must commit to people who are in-sync with our needs, but also those who want similar things for their relationships and future.

Personal preferences

For some, there’s no deeper underlying reason behind their inability to settle down. We’re all different and we all have different preferences and needs. Some people struggle with a committed relationship because it’s simply not their thing. Though many of us might enjoy the idea of settling down with one person forever, not everyone else does — and that’s okay. Many thrive on meeting new people and forming deep (yet brief) physical connections with them. Sometimes, our personal preferences are all that keeps us from jumping into committed, long-term romantic relationships.

Signs you’re not ready for a committed relationship.

Sometimes you aren’t ready for a committed relationship, and sometimes you aren’t made for one. Knowing the difference comes down to knowing yourself and the things you want from your life, your relationships and your future. Stop forcing yourself into partnerships that just don’t fit. Know when you’re not ready for a committed relationship.

Career comes first

While you can most definitely balance a healthy relationship and a blossoming career, you have to first honestly question your intentions and your priorities. Relationships take work, and sometimes they require us to give that partnership priority. If you are unable to do this against the demands or passion for your work — it might be a sign that you’re not quite ready to open up your life to another person yet (or that it might not even be as important to you as work is; which is also okay)?

Inability to compromise

Compromise is a crucial part of any relationship and, while there are certainly some lines that shouldn’t be crossed — all parties involved have to learn how to make small (yet meaningful) concessions for one another. On the same end, we have to learn how to share the burden of life and split the effort that goes into our partnerships. If you can’t share your emotional labor, or your material goods and spaces…then you probably aren’t someone who is going to fail very well in a long-lasting two-sided, give-and-take commitment.

Uncertain demands

Our relationships require clear boundaries and they also require that we make our needs explicitly known. If you don’t know what you want from a relationship, and don’t know what you need from a partner, it’s impossible for you to communicate your expectations with them (or understand theirs). Uncertain demands leave our partnerships shaky and unstable. We need to communicate with one another and ensure that we’re on the same page when it come to relationship status, needs, etc.

Too much life-affirming business

Some of us aren’t ready for commitment simply because we have lives that are already bursting with activity and fulfillment. Intimate partnerships provide some very specific properties to our lives, but these properties can also be supplied through our careers, casual relationships, and more. You don’t always need to commit to an intimate partner to feel that you are seen, loved and validated as you are. It’s all about being happy on your own, and that’s a very powerful ability to master.

A preference for alone time

Do you just prefer to be alone? Do you hate having other people in your space? Or loathe the idea of making even the smallest of compromises for other people? While we have been brought up to see these things as negative points…they don’t have to be. You can be as selfish as you want to be, as long as it doesn’t infringe on the safety and happiness of other people. When it comes to romantic relationships, that means avoiding serious commitments that we have no interest in maintaining healthily.

Clinging to past pain

We can hardly build fulfilling futures with someone when we’re still obsessed with someone and something else. That’s saying that if you haven’t worked out your trauma and have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like — you aren’t really in a good place to make a major investment in someone else. You need to work through your baggage and try to come to your partner (and your relationship) as a whole and as well-rounded as you can be.

Zero purpose, no vision

What’s your purpose in this life? Your overall vision? When it comes to your last moments on this earth, who do you want to be beside you and what do you want to have accomplished? If you’re looking for a relationship to give you meaning or healing, you’re going to remain lost and disappointed. Floating through life with no vision and no purpose is rarely a good recipe for making a stable or long-term commitment to someone.

Failing to set (or respect) limits

You’re not ready for commitment if you aren’t interested in limits — not for yourself and not when it comes to other people. It’s fine if you don’t want to spend your life chasing someone else’s dreams, or catering to someone else’s sensitivities. This is all within your own perspective. The problem occurs when you cause harm to others. There is nothing wrong with living a life that’s a little self-centered. It’s better to know yourself, be honest, and realize that this trait might make you a less-than-ideal partner for someone who wants to build a family or a shared life.

How to figure out your commitment needs.

Don’t just wait for your commitment needs to reveal themselves to you. Get proactive about figuring out what you want and what you need from your intimate partnerships. Then use this knowledge to build the future you’ve always dreamed of.

1. Take time to think it out

The first step in getting to the root of your commitment needs is taking time to think it out for yourself. You have to shut out the opinions of society, your friends, your family — and just listen to that authentic core self inside. Here you will get all the answers to all your questions, as well as the clarity you need to move forward in confidence. Before intertwining our lives with someone else, we need to ensure that this is both what we want and what we need.

You’ve got to give yourself a break and give yourself some space. Whether you’re in a relationship, that’s getting ready for the next step, or you’re single and still trying to figure it all out — you have to carve out some time to focus on relationships and identifying precisely what you both need and want within those relationships.

So many of us jump into love because we believe that’s what we’re supposed to do. We don’t think about the bigger picture and we rarely take the time to ask ourselves what we really want. We float from one partner to the next, hoping we’ll eventually land on someone magically provides all the things we don’t even know we want. Stop putting the onus of responsibility on the people who choose to love you. Know what you want — and prioritize those desires — before you leap into anything serious.

2. Communicate your stance

It doesn’t matter if you’re involved with someone at the moment, or you’re still looking for the right person, you have to honestly communicate your commitment hangups and concerns with those they impact. It’s not fair to lead someone on, or to allow them to invest more time and energy into the relationship than you can yourself. Be up front and communicate your commitment stances; whatever they may be.

If you don’t want a committed relationship, tell anyone you start to get intimate with, and make it explicitly clear. Don’t leave any holes for misinterpretation and don’t be purposefully ambiguous in order to get what you want from them. That’s not only toxic, it’s manipulative and grossly without integrity.

Likewise, if you’re currently with a partner and unable to take the next step — communicate this truth with them. Don’t allow them to build castles where there is only sand. You owe them honesty and respect as much as they owe it to you. Give them the opportunity to assess the truth for what it is and make the decisions they need to ensure their own happiness. Before you go anywhere in a relationship, make sure you’re all clear on what commitment looks like to one another.

3. Deal with the root causes

When our relationship with commitment is rocky, this is often because of experiences like childhood and former partnerships. If we want to transform this dysfunctional commitment outlook, we have to stop forcing things in the present and get focused on the pain of our past. Resolving that baggage will free us to explore new truths for ourselves and allow us to re-establish what long-term partnerships really mean to us.

Don’t jump into a relationship and expect that to cure your fear of long-term or committed relationships. Your partners are not responsible for overcoming your baggage. Take some time to yourself and use that time to get to the bottom of the root causes behind your unwillingness to commit.

After a lot of digging, you might just discover that there aren’t any issues at all. Some people just aren’t made for one-on-one committed relationships — and that’s okay. You need to make sure that you know yourself well enough to tell the difference, and that you’ve dug deep enough to resolve any hangups that are holding you back from your truth. Get to the bottom of the root causes behind your commitment foibles, and you’ll get to the root of what you truly need from your relationships simultaneously.

4. Prioritize your life

Some find themselves hesitant to commit to a serious relationship because their lives are too full of other commitments and requirements which drain their time and our energy. Life is a hustle and a blur for them, and many of them are struggling so much to keep their own lives afloat that they don’t have time to add the pressure of anyone else’s. This cluttered isolation, however, can be rearranged if truly desired.

Do you want a committed relationship, but find that life keeps getting in the way? Prioritize your life and get realistic about what really means the most to you. Start by imagining your ideal future, then work your way backward. Where do you want to be in 10 years? How about 15 or 20?

Focusing on this dream future will allow you to cut off the fat and shear back to the things that really matter in life. If you see yourself relaxing on the beach with the love of your life — then you need to make that room for that relationship to come in and bloom. That requires commitment, but it also requires letting go of those things which are preventing you from giving your partnerships the time and energy they need to blossom.

5. Never ever settle for less

One of the most powerful ways to discover your commitment needs is to stop settling for less. The more we allow ourselves to settle in love and intimacy, the more we find ourselves situated in partnerships that are mismatched and unfulfilling. By overcoming this compulsive need to accept less than we want or deserve, we can find our confidence and also find the truth behind our inability or unwillingness to commit to another person.

Get focused on boosting your confidence and do it by transforming yourself from the inside. Fall back into those passions and pastimes that inspire your interest and let go of those people and those things that drain you more than they add to your happiness. Seek fulfillment in your career and your platonic relationships and allow that to become the understanding that bolsters your desire (or lack thereof) for commitment.

You don’t have to spend your life in the pursuit of a romantic relationship to matter. You don’t need to have a forever partner or a marriage to be validated and successful. At the same time, wanting someone by your side is no less worthy and no less noble. We all have different aspects of self and connection with this world, and they all have validity. The only way we can embrace this and our ultimate truth is to refuse to settle for less than we want, less than we deserve, and less than we need from our life and our intimate partnerships.

Putting it all together…

Intimate relationships are nuanced, but they become even more so when it comes to making a serious commitment to our partners. For some, we make this commitment without ever honestly considering its meaning. For others, it’s about running before getting chained down to someone they aren’t sure is a great fit. Whatever your reasons behind rushing into or running away from commitment, you have to be honest about them in order to build happier partnerships.

Take time to really think deeply about what you want from your life and your romantic partnerships. Be brutally honest and don’t shy away from any truths that might clash with the ideals that have been forced upon you by others. Establish these foundations, then make sure you express them to your partner or and would-be pursuers that are looking for something serious. Be explicit. Don’t leave room for ambiguous misinterpretation. Once you’ve communicated your commitment concerns or stances, you can get busy dealing with any root causes that are holding you back from connecting like you want. Prioritize those things in your life which are important and look to your dream future for guidance. Do you imagine yourself standing at the finish line with the love of your life? If that’s the case, make room for them and make sure you build the relationship you need by refusing to settle.