Your Romantic Relationships Are A Metaphor For Your Life

How you are in love has more of an impact than you think

Develop your senses- especially learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.” — Leonardo Da Vinci

Many of us go through life believing our problems are isolated to specific areas. When we face struggles in our career, we dust off our CV and scout for new opportunities or qualifications. If we don’t like the look of our bodies, we hire a trainer or search for the perfect routine/diet combination. It’s no surprise that when we face challenges in love, we believe it to be just another section of life that can be treated in its own context.

As alluded to by the infamous artist above, life is far more connected than that. I can tell you from years of experience, coaching 100s of clients, what you think to be an issue in your relationship is almost always something bigger. How you behave in romance will seep through every area of your life and impact you in ways you are not yet aware of.

If you follow my work on Medium, you will know that I often write about the pain of unrequited love. Part of that is my passion for helping people overcome one of the most agonising human experiences. The other part stems from my wider belief that improving the quality of your dating life is the single biggest catalyst for transformation and personal growth.

Why?

Because everything is connected.

Love Pulls At Our Deepest Parts

The patterns you follow in your most intimate relationships are the ones that pull at the deepest parts of you. These are the areas where you hold your beliefs about yourself, what you are capable of, and what you think you deserve. Romantic relationships are the avenue through which we express our vulnerabilities, desire for connection, need for validation, and aspirations for a life beyond our solitary existence. Love is an area that most people are aware of and exposed to. Simply making eye contact with another person can set your world alight. It can happen at any time, to anyone, often when you least expect it. There is no need to be passionate about your career, health, finances or anything else — cupid is always ready to strike with an arrow of despair.

Take a minute to reflect on your relationships.

Is there an obvious pattern in the people you attract romantically?
Are you someone who draws their boundaries or finds themselves constantly taken advantage of?
Do you try to fix other people who you know are not right for you?
Have you tried convincing someone how perfect you are for each other or that you are the one for them?

Keep these ideas in your mind as you read on.

Your Behaviour in Dating Transcends Romance

I once worked with an incredibly talented person who struggled with an unrequited crush. This individual had so much going for them but did not believe in their own worth. They continued to chase their crush, all while disassociating from the amazing qualities they brought to the table. While this love interest freely took their validation, time, and affection, so did their employer. Extra hours, lack of recognition, and no reward — the holy trio. The pattern was unfolding unconsciously in more ways than they realized. When my client learned to embrace their own worth, not only did they walk away from a person who was undeserving of them, they left behind a job that taken advantage of them for years.

The take-home lesson is simple — if there are repeating patterns in your dating life, they are likely to be influencing you elsewhere.

It could be friendships that no longer make sense, a job that sucks the life out of you, your inability to follow your passions or even a compulsive habit of putting everyone else's needs before your own.

I want to be clear that you don’t have to feel bad if this has happened to you. It’s not my intention to lead you down thoughts of regret or self-loathing. This is about your future. Whatever has held you back up until this moment does not have to forever. In fact, simply becoming aware of the interconnectedness of your life can be a penny-dropping moment.

Think about it this way — what would happen if you could transform how you carry yourself in dating? What if you began to draw boundaries, know your worth, walk away from toxic situations and go for a new kind of love that is both reciprocated and founded on connection? What if you had the belief that the love you want is out there and does not need you to beg or convince the other person it is right for them?

How To Start Changing Your Life Right Now

If you’re prepared to do the work on yourself through the lens of romantic relationships, your life will transform dramatically.

So, where do you start?

Here’s a simple process you can follow:

First, identify your patterns.

How have you behaved in your last few relationships or crushes?
What are the common themes that keep repeating themselves?
Do you go for what you want or find yourself over-emphasizing others needs?

Write down a list of everything that comes to mind using the questions above for guidance. You should be able to list at least 10 patterns that you notice about yourself in dating. Think about things like frequent infatuation, reading into signs, staring at your phone, compromises, things you pretend to like, who decides what you do, what you look for, how you allow yourself to be treated, etc. The list is endless, so permit yourself to pour out your dating story onto paper.

Second, highlight common themes and ask if they are spreading.

Many times when people perform this exercise, they uncover a habit of pedestalising another person. This can manifest in many ways, including changing behaviour to please them, constantly seeking approval, and even telling white lies in an attempt to impress. These are just examples — you have to work out what is relevant to you.

Once you can see these themes, take a step back and honestly review if these behaviours are spreading into other areas of your life, such as career, health, friendships, and finance.

Here are some questions to get you thinking:

If you pedestalize your partner or crush, are you doing the same with certain people at work or deeming yourself unworthy of more responsibility and pay?
If you put others first, are you often taken advantage of by colleagues or friends? Is your health suffering because you have focused too much on everyone but you?
If you keep chasing an unrequited love, is there a dream you have always pursued that has not quite loved you back?
If you always read into small details, does that follow you in other areas of life?
Do you find it hard to navigate mixed signals and make decisions in general?
Are you living the life you want to live or what someone else has imposed on you?

Again, these are only ideas, so take the time now to consider this carefully and how it applies to you. This is about having the courage to objectively look at yourself and ask tough questions that you have most likely avoided. The answers may be painful, but that marks the beginning of real change.

Third, take action and break your patterns.

Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. What has led you to this point has not worked. It’s time to interrupt the program that runs on auto-pilot.

Review the lists you created above and rank them in order of difficulty to break. For example, you might find it hard not to take things personally, but it might be easier to stop pretending to like things you don’t. All you need to do is start breaking these patterns one by one at a comfortable pace. Start small, and build confidence. Don’t worry about what other’s say — they will want to pull you back to your original identity. Sadly for them, this is about you and creating personal change. Stick with the process and replace those habits with how you would rather be. Perhaps that’s as simple as valuing your time or saying what you think. The beauty is that you get to decide.

Now, if you want a more comprehensive guide, then check out this post I wrote on how to move on from someone who doesn’t want you. While this is written in the context of relationships, I’ve designed this process to have a holistic impact on your life. You will tackle all the key areas such as secondary gain, establishing pillars of support, and expanding your perspective. It’s a piece I am proud of based on a wealth of positive feedback — I share it with genuine intentions of helping you.

What Happens Next?

If you commit to this process, you can expect your entire life to change. When you decide to upgrade the quality of your relationships, it will seep through everything you do. I’ve seen clients escape toxic situations and suddenly have massive breakthroughs in their careers. In my own life, realizing I was pedestalising others led me to have the courage to pursue what I want — working for myself as a coach instead of creating trading products for the world’s richest. Subtle changes compound into massive transformation, and this is truly one of the fastest vehicles to get there.

Of course, reading this post is only the beginning. Like with all things worth having, the cost is work. Only you can take the steps I’ve outlined in this article — and you are more than capable. Accept responsibility for your results, and start taking action. No one will do this for you.

Make it happen.

Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.

I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.

If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.