How To Know Your Worth And Walk Away

Whether it’s a toxic relationship or unrequited love, here’s a proven method for taking action.

All of us face unrequited love at some point. It doesn’t matter whether it’s in a relationship or a one-sided crush; the result is the same — the other person does not feel the same way or treat us how we want to be treated.

If you scour the web, you’ll find 1000s of articles spouting the same advice. They tell you to know your worth and walk away from all that is causing you heartache. The only problem is none of these posts goes into detail about how to do that. There’s a reason for this omission — it’s damn hard to walk away from unrequited love, even when the other person is hurting us or degrading our self-esteem.

The result of this is that far too many people stay stuck in a negative loop, repeating mistakes, and never attracting the love they deserve. It’s not from a lack of want that people remain in their predicaments, it’s a lack of a proven method that can guide them out of the abyss and into the light. Sure, some people might seek therapy, but dwelling on the past can sometimes divert focus from where it needs to be — your future. Action is what creates changes, and a simple plan may be all that you need to break out of a rut.

With that in mind, what I want to provide is my contribution to the subject. The process I outline here is the product of years working with clients and helping them overcome toxic relationships and obsessive crushes. This is an approach that I truly believe can help anyone make progress. Whether you feel stuck or heartbroken by the actions of someone you care deeply for, give this method a try and I am confident you won’t regret it.

Let’s begin!

1 — Understand Why You Chase People Who Don’t Want You

For me, everything starts with examining why we chase people who don’t want us. I genuinely believe that knowing what makes us indulge in uncharacteristic behaviour is a huge catalyst for change. Not only does it help us forgive our irrational behaviour, but it also helps us find peace in knowing that we are not weak nor crazy. There are powerful psychological forces that can affect anyone, creating both the illusion of love and in some cases driving us to do things we would never dream of doing before.

If you have read my other work, you’ll know I’ve written extensively about this concept. I’ve learned firsthand through coaching real people that the psychology of dating is often a stronger influence than the actual person they believe they have feelings for. In other words, a mixture of the correct ingredients (uncertainty, mixed signals, open questions) can make a person chase someone even if they aren’t that interested in the person themselves.

You can read more about the details of each concept in my other articles, but here is a summary of the key processes you should know about:

Cognitive Dissonance — the agonising psychological tension we experience trying to reconcile mixed signals from a person. This leads us to compulsively analyse behaviours, read into situations, and add unproven meaning to things. We do this to give us clarity of how they feel. In a crush, that could be signs of interest, whereas, in a relationship, this could be signs they truly love you.
The Zeigarnik Effect — the tendency to remember an unfinished task twice as well as those that are completed. Chasing a person is an incomplete task, and research has shown that the only person who decides it is finished is the person doing the chasing. Put another way, if we don’t think it's over, we continually dedicate brainpower to the situation and remember the details.
Dopamine Feedback Loops — a.ka. The thrill of the chase. When we are uncertain of how a person feels about us and have anticipation for what might happen, dopamine secretes. This hormone gives us addictive feelings of euphoria we want to experience repeatedly. We then repeat the same behaviours because we know how pleasurable this high can be.
Limerence — when a crush becomes an obsession. This is the cognitive state of pre-occupation, where the primary focus is on reciprocated feelings over anything else. In other words, it’s when you become fixated on winning a person over and reading into signs of attraction to prove you have achieved this.

If you’re discovering these ideas for the first time, you’re probably wondering what to do with this information. The idea here is to identify where you might be being influenced by one of those concepts. We’re starting to challenge what prevents you from walking away — once in a lifetime feelings, or a synthetic creation caused by the psychological forces above.

Here’s a cheat sheet to make it easier:

Are you getting mixed signals? If so, how much time are you spending trying to find a decisive answer to whether they like you or not? Are you searching for confirming evidence by analysing every action and putting your own meaning on it, which may not be true? Note that doing this only increases your investment in that person, and you would be better off either choosing a direction or reducing the importance of the situation.
Do you lack closure? Are there questions you need to be answered or something that continually bothers you? What can you do to find your own closure? Is there a conversation you need to have with the person that has been delayed? If you can’t talk to them, can you write a memo of all the things you wanted to say and couldn’t? Could you write in your own closure for you to accept and finally move on?
Are you addicted to the chase? Do you find yourself hooked to the emotional rollercoaster known as the chase? Are you more interested in playing the game and seeing what works than pursuing a meaningful relationship with this person?
Is this relationship or crush your biggest source of entertainment/dopamine? What else do you have in your life that is a genuine source of fun and fulfilment? Has dating become the most important aspect of your existence, or are you pursuing passions and purpose in other avenues? What steps can you take to reduce the significance of this event by ensuring you are making progress towards your personal ambitions?
Are you obsessed with winning the person over more than being with them? Ask yourself honestly — do you want to be with this person, or are you consumed with the idea of them confessing feelings or admitting they were wrong? Have you become fixated on analysing every behaviour and trying to decode every minute detail in order to prove attraction? Have you become so entrenched in the inspection of that person you’ve forgotten about what you really want in a relationship?

When you go through all of the above and understand how you are being affected, you immediately begin to loosen the other person's hold. You understand how other elements influence you that are not related to who they are but rather the psychology of the situation. This is the first step because it shows us that we aren’t necessarily weak and that powerful cognitive forces make it difficult to walk away.

Take the time now to assess where you stand and what is relevant to you. Does anything discussed above apply to you, and what can you do to reduce that impact today? This can be a game-changing moment and the start of something new — if you allow it.

2 — Get Clarity On What You Want (Not What You Don’t)

As a coach, I am supremely passionate about helping people change their lives. I often tell my clients there are three ingredients required for massive personal change:

Knowing what you want
Believing it is possible
Taking action to make it happen

Most of us get stuck in step 1, and that’s why so many people find it hard to move forward. Ironically, everyone knows what they DON’T want, but very few people have considered what they would rather have instead. It’s easy to get caught in a negative loop dwelling on what’s going wrong, but that does not serve you in making your life better.

Keep this in mind — for a person to create change, their desire to change must be greater than their desire to stay the same. You must have something to work towards that is more compelling than now, else you will default back to the current state. In some cases, people may dislike elements of their situation but secretly enjoy other aspects such as the intense emotional roller-coaster and euphoric highs when things appear to be going their way (a perceived sign of attraction or an indication the relationship is mending).

Now I’m aware that knowing what you want isn’t always easy, so let me give you some prompts:

What kind of person do you want to be?
What kind of relationship do you want?
If you only know what you don’t want, what would be the opposite of that?

You may tell me you don’t want to feel sad or stuck. That’s understandable, and a great starting point, but I need to know how you would rather feel instead so we can work towards it. You don’t need to think too far ahead, just consider what would be better than now. Perhaps it’s as simple as focusing on something you are interested in or feeling confident that you can meet someone else who is more suited to you. As soon as you start thinking in those terms, you’re already stretching your perspective. You begin to open up new choices you didn’t have a few minutes before when you were stuck in a negative loop of wallowing.

Remember, if you want to walk away, knowing where you want to go instead gives you a much stronger chance of following through. It’s always easier to find treasure when you have a map, and in this case, you have the freedom to draw one. You also have an opportunity to raise your standards in life and hold yourself accountable to them. That is arguably the most valuable change you can make right now.

3 — Destroy Your Limiting Beliefs About Yourself

Once you’ve understood why you chase people and where you want to go, it’s a case of generating the belief you can do it. Generally what get’s in peoples way is a limiting belief about themselves. Destroying these negative blocks is probably my most passionate area of coaching. I’ve seen first hand how beliefs can prevent a person from reaching their potential and how changing them can be the simplest key to unlocking it. They are insanely powerful influences on how we view our lives and the quality of results we can create.

At its core, a belief is nothing more than an idea that we have validated in some way. This can be limiting in nature (it hinders us from reaching our goals) or empowering (it encourages and motivates us). Note that the truth of a belief comes from our own perception of evidence proving its validity.

In dating, many people harbour unconscious beliefs about their own worth or inability to find someone who loves them. Unfortunately, this often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. As a person breathes life into this unhelpful notion, they continually look for evidence to validate that idea. Soon what prevents them from walking away isn’t a lack of want but rather an inability to believe that they can move on or that they deserve more.

So what’s the solution?

Working with a coach is a fantastic option for exploring your unconscious beliefs and replacing them with useful ones. But given coaching is not for everyone, let me provide you with other avenues to explore yourself.

List out all the things you like about yourself (give me ten minimum, and I don’t want to hear excuses)
Ask a few close friends to do the same (you can tell them you are doing some personal work and have been asked to contact the people you trust most)
List out all the achievements and moments in your life that make you proud (again, minimum ten, no excuses)

Once you have these lists, save them as a sticky on your phone or whatever is easiest. Read them back every day. Get to the point where you don’t need the list to know who you are and what you are proud of. Too many of us can’t answer those questions, whilst in contrast, we can churn out a 3000-word essay on our weaknesses with ease.

You might be reading that and thinking this is cliche self-help. That’s fine, you can try another approach you are more comfortable with. For me, I know from coaching 100s of clients that this process works. It’s not magic — all we are doing is using real evidence to loosen a prior belief and start growing a more positive one. We utilize both internal and external validation to get a wider perspective and prove that there are things you can be proud of and qualities you can embrace. I find that people are often blown away by the responses from friends. They may share personal moments where you affected them or traits you didn’t believe you had. What’s important is not disputing the answers but learning to enjoy the compliments and appreciate the positive impact you have on others.

Ultimately, you have to be your own cheerleader. That may be hard to accept, but if you don’t believe in yourself or value what you bring to the table, it’s much harder for anyone else to do that. Why not be proud of everything you have done? To be alive now is an accomplishment in its own right — you were the sperm that made it through, 1 in 400 million according to science! While I say that with tongue in cheek, I hope you see the message here. Knowing your worth starts with you embracing who you are and what you bring. When you take the time to do this, you feed yourself evidence that eventually leads to creating a new empowering belief rooted in truth. Nobody can do that for you, so what are you waiting for?

4 — Break Your Patterns

If you’ve read my other work on Medium, then I probably sound like a broken record. I don’t care. I’ll repeat it:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

If you aren’t where you want to be in life, then you need to change something. When it comes to walking away and knowing your worth, breaking your patterns is one of the most powerful things you can do — and it’s fully within your control. By following the steps we have discussed already, you have started this progress. We now need to go further, keep momentum, and put the nail in the coffin.

Whether you know it or not, conscious and unconscious patterns govern your relationship with this person. These are the rules through which you interact with each other — almost like a hidden computer program. In reality, they are negative anchors that hold you back from moving on. They act as a comfortable routine which becomes more difficult to escape the longer you leave it.

Common examples include:

Texting habits (who initiates, how often, response times)
Who decides what you talk about or when the conversation ends
Going to places you know you will see them (out of your way)
Checking their social media multiple times a day (or hour!)
Dressing up or looking your best as you know you’ll see them
Thinking about them and whether their touch of your hand was accidental or a hidden sign of interest
Inability to delete the chat (WhatsApp, DMs, etc.)
Reluctance to meet new people or go on dates with others

The list is endless, but I want you to list your particular patterns with this person — at least 10. If you can’t get that many, you’re not thinking hard enough!

Once you have these patterns, list them in order of difficulty to break. For example, if you get pleasure from stalking their social media multiple times a day, it might be harder to stop immediately than not always agreeing with their view.

Having ordered the patterns, start breaking them!

Take one or two simple things that you always do with this person, and smash it. If you send a text every morning, stop. If you find yourself googling their horoscopes, try searching for something more useful instead.

The idea here is to start shifting the rules that govern the relationship, one step at a time. You can even try phasing out a pattern if you think eradicating it immediately is too much, e.g., sometimes texting instead of always doing it. The key is taking action — not repeating the same behaviours on autopilot.

If you want to super-charge your results, delete the chat history with this person and start getting back out there. Go on dating apps, open yourself to what might be out there waiting for you. It sounds simple, but very few people are willing to do this because it means they are truly letting go of something they previously wanted.

As you begin to do this, you’ll gain the confidence to continue further. With each pattern you break, you release an anchor that kept you pedestalizing that person. You signal to your unconscious that you are ready for change and take responsibility for moving forward. There’s nothing more empowering than creating change in your life, and this is a straightforward way for you to start.

Putting It All Together

If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me. That shows that you are serious about doing things differently and on the right path. I believe strongly in what I’ve presented here, not because they are my ideas, but because I have seen them work.

When in doubt, remember the process:

Understand why you are still chasing or holding on to this person (is the psychology influencing you more than who they are?)
Get clarity on what you want instead of dwelling on what you don’t
Smash through your limiting beliefs by collating all that you’re proud of and providing counterevidence to any idea that you are not worthy or cannot find someone who loves you for who you are
Break those patterns that are acting as negative anchors, delete the chat, and start meeting new people

When you’ve done all of that, all that remains is to walk away. You’ll be in a very different place mentally and may find that moving on is far easier than you imagined when you truly believe in your worth and know what you would rather have instead.

Of course, reading this post is only the first step. What separates the talkers from the doers is taking action.

As I repeatedly tell my clients — nobody will do this for you. Nothing anyone says can make this happen. Only you can take the steps required to create change. You have 100% responsibility for where you go from here, and it’s up to you to own it.

Make it happen.

Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.

I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.

If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.

You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.