A Simple Test To See If You’re Ready To Move On From Someone

If you’ve been stuck trying to get over someone, check you can do this first

If you follow my writing on Medium, you’ll know I am extremely passionate about helping people move on and reach their potential. Part of why I dedicate so much of my energy to this is that we all go through the pain of rejection at some point. Moreover, it’s just plain hard to let go of someone we have feelings for. Sometimes the biggest blockers are dealing with the psychological forces at play, including mixed signals, dopamine highs, lack of closure, and in some cases, obsession (limerence). While all of that is real, we have to take action ourselves to move on at some point. Nothing anybody says can make things better — we as individuals are responsible for how we feel and moving forward.

After years of coaching clients, I know one thing to be true — for a person to create meaningful change in their lives, their desire to change must be greater than their desire to remain the same. In self-development, this relates to a concept called secondary gain — the idea that there is a hidden benefit in the current situation that the person enjoys. To move on, the client needs to find another more sustainable way of satisfying that benefit. Think of the smoker who uses smoking to feel more relaxed. Trying to quit without catering for the nicotine withdrawal removes a huge payoff and makes it much harder to quit.

When working with clients trying to move on, I want to know what they secretly like about the current situation. I need to get a sense if they are truly ready and want to let go. Unfortunately, most people say there is nothing they enjoy about their predicament. That’s rarely true. There is often a love of the chase, the allure of an open door, and the sheer emotional rollercoaster of dedicating all their brainpower to the experience. Now, after years of refining my approach, I ask one question:

“Can you delete the chat?”

Honestly, I cannot tell you how effective that one question is. It’s consistently been the single most useful indicator for me of whether someone is ready to move on.

Now, you might be thinking I’m full of it. That’s fine — I know what I’ve seen.

We are now digital creatures, which means tying up a lot of our interaction in text and social media. While it can be simple to unfollow someone, it’s a lot more difficult to erase your history of talking. A months worth of WhatsApp chat can have much more baggage than you think. It’s a record of the relationship which you can consistently refer to for analysis and hope. It’s the place where you shared fun content and maybe a drunken message or two.

Getting rid of the chat involves the following:

• Removing the history of you talking
• Removing any possibility of you reading past conversations in your own time and scrolling aimlessly
• Removing perceived evidence of how there was an attraction at some points and not others
• Symbolically deciding that you don’t need this record anymore (because it’s irrelevant)
• Letting go of memorable moments (anyone with a crush has these in a chat — whether it’s a hint they liked you or something nice they said)

Ultimately, you can only delete it when you are solidly behind the idea of letting go.

For me, this step is a real indicator of where a person is at in the process. If they start coming up with excuses of why they need to hold on to the chat history, I know something is bubbling under the surface — some gain they are getting now they have not addressed. That’s why this is so powerful. Not only does this tell me where a person is mentally, but it also opens the door to exploring the true reasons holding them back:

• Is there something that was said that leaves the door open for hope?
• Are there shared memories that make it hard to walk away?
• Is there an expectation of a future preventing closure?
• Do they enjoy reading through the lines to analyse for signs of attraction?
• Is deleting it too powerful a statement that they are not prepared to accept mentally because it means fully processing rejection?

Asking that one innocent question often opens the gateway to the real issues and ultimately addressing whatever is keeping the person stuck. We can then make meaningful progress in letting go and moving on to better things in life.

So if you find yourself clinging to someone who doesn’t want you or unable to move on from unrequited love, then I challenge you to answer the question:

“Can you delete the chat?”

If you can — do it. Make the massive personal statement that you are done with this shit and ready for the next opportunity.

If you can’t — what stops you? What do you need to work on that will give you the strength to erase this minor blip in your life and move towards the love you deserve?

And hey, if you need a process, check out my guide here to help you on the way.

Make it happen.

Got a goal or problem I can help you with?

I’ve helped countless clients create massive personal change, and I’d love to do the same for you — book a FREE Breakthrough Call and let’s see how we can make it happen.

You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak” here.