Why Mixed Signals Drive You Crazy — And How To Handle Them

The psychology behind the oldest technique in dating and your guide on how to deal with it

While hot and cold behavior is amongst the oldest of dating tactics, it remains one of the most effective. When someone gives us mixed signals, it can drive us to levels of obsessive-compulsive analysis that leave all our friends cringing and worried about our sanity.

We’ve all experienced this phenomenon at play when chasing someone we like. At first, everything is blissful, you have their attention and the signs of attraction are clear — you’re elated and bathing in euphoria. But the next day, things take a turn for the worse. Perhaps they walk past without acknowledging you, or maybe you find yourself anxiously waiting for a text that never comes.

All of a sudden, the voices start in your head. Why have they gone cold? Was it something I said? Before you know it, a psychological tension builds and begins to envelop your mind. You feel increasingly distressed and confused by their behavior, spending hours analyzing it in your head. You re-read conversations in search of a clue and think back to your last encounter to find what you missed. Ultimately, you know it’s silly, but for some reason, you can’t stop thinking about them until you get the answers you need.

You’re not crazy, nor are you weak. What you’re experiencing is a psychological effect called Cognitive Dissonance, and it affects all of us. It’s so powerful it even works when we aren’t necessarily attracted to someone. Think about a time when someone who liked you started to pull away. Chances are, despite not being interested yourself, you couldn’t help but wonder what was going on. It’s confusing and can even trick us into thinking we like that person more than we do.

Fortunately, if you want to understand how this psychological phenomenon works, I’ve got you covered. By the end of this post, you’ll realize why mixed signals drive you crazy, the cardinal mistakes to avoid, and exactly how to combat it. Read on, and let’s explore the workings of your inner mind.

Cognitive Dissonance — The Power Behind Mixed Signals

Cognitive Dissonance is the psychological discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values simultaneously. The distress is characterized by a nagging mental tension — a feeling of helplessness and agitation.

When present, this Dissonance makes it extremely difficult to focus on anything but the cause of the tension and finding a way to reduce it. Until we can resolve the conflicting beliefs, we remain incredibly agitated and almost obsessed with ascertaining the truth.

In the context of dating, we experience Dissonance when we try to reconcile mixed signals — behavior that indicates a person likes us vs. behavior they don’t.

Let’s break it down with a straightforward scenario.

• You meet a person at work and immediately hit it off — there’s an instant connection. You have lots in common and enjoy their company immensely. They smile at you, hold eye contact, and even hint at wanting to grab a drink at one point. All signs point to this person liking and being interested in you.
• You begin seeing that person around the office, still as friends. You start having WhatsApp conversations, exchanging memes, and make plans for that drink next week.
• Suddenly that person starts withdrawing. Interactions in person are cut short, and they seem uninterested in talking. Texts are less frequent, and you’re left in a state of limbo about that drink you had hoped to get. Uncertainty has entered the equation — you don’t know where you stand.

Right now, you have two conflicting behaviors and beliefs, and you’re likely starting to spend time thinking about the situation. You have three choices now to resolve the psychological tension:

1. Change your belief — decide that they don’t like you and move on
2. Obtain new information — acquire some piece of knowledge that sways you in one direction
3. Reduce the importance of the scenario — it doesn’t matter because I have other things to be doing

In dating, your most natural choice is option two, it’s what you will do instinctively. We always want to believe a person likes us, so we incline to seek evidence that confirms that. Unfortunately, this approach only drives us crazy and can easily cause obsessive crushes and attachments.

The problem begins with how we seek more information. In dating, you’re unlikely to confront the person because that comes across needy and kills attraction. Instead, you’re likely to start obsessively analyzing the situation in your head. You spend more time thinking about that person and all your interactions with them — how did they look at you, what was their body language, what did they say? Etc.

As I’ve written about before, this is dangerous. The more time we spend thinking about a person, the more we become invested in them. What happens next is you start reading into things that mean nothing. You start boring your friends with the same conversations, and before you know it, you’re mentioning this person at every opportunity.

The result is simple — you work yourself into a violent loop of consistently dissecting all your encounters and projecting what you want to be true into all of them. You start to mistake a genuine smile for a sign of attraction. You start to google “Signs he likes you” or “What does it mean if she brushes her hand against you.”

Our constant need to resolve dissonant beliefs leads us to a continual search for evidence that disproves it. You have to find reasons and proof that they like you — even when it isn’t there. The more you do this, the more invested and entrenched in the situation you become. After a while, you start to rationalize that all the effort you put in is the result of your immense feelings of attraction for that person.

What starts as innocent hot and cold behavior can quickly take over your rational mind. Left unchecked, you can rapidly develop an intense infatuation for someone who you aren’t necessarily that attracted to. The key here is the method you use to resolve the Dissonance — that’s what decides whether you stay sane or descend into a deep crush.

Let’s look at the correct way to deal with this situation.

How To Combat Dissonance And Handle Mixed Signals

Let’s revisit the methods of resolving Dissonance:

1. Change your belief — decide that they don’t like you and move on
2. Obtain new information — acquire some piece of knowledge that sways you in one direction
3. Reduce the importance of the scenario — it doesn’t matter because I have other things to be doing

If seeking more information is not the right choice, what should we do?

Changing your belief (Option 1) is less effective in the dating scenario because it’s vulnerable to the person continuing to show conflicting signs of interest.

As an example, if you decide a person doesn’t like you because they ignore your messages, that’s all fine until they start randomly acting flirty in person. It’s incredibly challenging to ignore conflicting signs. For option 1 to work, you’d need to make a bold decision and stick with it. Unfortunately, humans are not perfect and we all have moments of weakness and vulnerability. It’s natural to want to read into anything that suggests someone has feelings for us. That’s why any doubt is going to trigger us seeking more information and returning to the dangers we discussed previously.

The most effective way to resolve Dissonance is to reduce its importance in your life by following your passions and finding your purpose (Option 3).

I like to think of this as establishing pillars of support. This has two outcomes in mind:

1. Replacing dating as your primary life focus
2. Creating a system of internal validation so we don’t seek the approval of others

There is simply no better method for handling the confusion of mixed signals than having more important things to occupy your mind.

The truth is many of us allow dating to become our primary focus. When you’re interested in what mixed signal means, it’s an indication you want validation from that person. Both the thrill and success of the chase can become the determinant of a person’s self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. We need to avoid getting sucked into habits such as googling signs of attraction and staring at blue ticks on WhatsApp.

I advocate building a strong support structure that does not rely on the external validation of others. Our intention should be to create a recurring system of internal validation that reduces our reliance on people, and thus the importance of whether someone likes us or not.

This system is created by finding your pillars — the rocks and positive anchors that will consistently build your self-esteem and provide reassurance during moments of doubt. The goal is to discover interests and activities that make you feel alive — and integrate them into your life.

The opportunities are endless — you can take up a sport, try art classes, join Toastmasters, literally anything that gives you joy and pushes you out of your comfort zone. For me, I enjoy going to the gym, reading, writing and climbing. You need to find what makes you tick — pick a friend and commit together if that’s what it takes.

These pursuits will form foundations that will be immovable when all else goes to shit. They should be the places you go and things you do that no matter what is happening, you can count on them to provide an escape and sense of accomplishment. Having these pillars ensures you maintain balance and don’t spend too much of your time obsessing over any one thing or person. Most importantly, they help you to build esteem, confidence, and worth.

The result here is simple — you become resistant to mind-games and a more attractive of yourself.

Not only are you a more exciting person, but when someone can’t phase you — you become the prize. In essence, you flip the tension back onto them, and they begin to wonder how you feel and how to win you over.

When you dedicate your time exploring new activities and doing things you love, you become a better version of yourself. Take up as many new hobbies as possible and become absorbed in something you are passionate about, ideally a project or goal. That way, you will never waste your two most valuable assets — your time and your potential.

Final Thoughts

The purpose of this post was to illustrate how a simple psychological concept can play tricks with your mind.

We’ve talked about the power of Cognitive Dissonance as the primary driver behind why mixed signals drive you crazy. We’ve covered the importance of avoiding seeking new information as it causes us to become further obsessed. Most importantly, we discussed how you can build support pillars in your life that not only prevent you from becoming fallible to Dissonance, but also help you become more attractive yourself.

Remember, insanity is repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. When we become enamored and overly concerned with our romantic lives, we lose sight of our own needs and aspirations.

Don’t let silly dating games play havoc with your mental state. Have passions to pursue, and enjoy the fact that you don’t have to be as affected by mixed signals as everyone else around you.

Make it happen.

Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.

I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.

If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.

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