How To Move On From Someone Who Doesn’t Want You

The crushing feeling of rejection is a rite of passage that none of us will escape. In many ways, the universality of romantic rejection is the only comforting aspect of its nature. I’ve seen the most attractive and successful people brutally denied by their crushes and partners. Cupid is ruthless and spares no-one from his arrows of sorrow.

Given the inevitable pain of this experience, I’ve sought to study how we can best handle these situations. Understanding why we chase people who don’t want us is essential for our self-awareness. Several psychological concepts unknowingly influence us and lead to downright irrational behavior. But just as important as understanding why is knowing how you can move on — and following through with conviction.

The internet is full of idyllic listicles that suggest the ten things you need to do to move on. In my view, the process requires a more in-depth reflection and concrete actions that I am going to share with you now. I promise if you follow this plan as laid out, you’ll not only shed your pain and emotional baggage, but you will also strengthen your self-esteem and self-worth. Let’s explore how to make this happen.

Define Your Outcome and Recognize Your Secondary Gain

First, I want you to ask yourself one question — do you want to move on, or do you secretly want to win this person over? Answer honestly because anything less than 100% commitment is unacceptable. If deep down, you want to continue pursuing this person, this is not the post for you. This isn’t a list of pick-up tactics that create attraction. If you are serious about moving on, your outcome is clear — you want to be free from your feelings for this person and open yourself to new opportunities.

A key component of success is to understand what you unconsciously gain from your situation. There is a positive intention in all human behavior. Bullies are mean to others because it makes them feel better about themselves. Smokers indulge in cigarettes despite the risk because it provides relaxation. Many people struggle to move on from toxic crushes and relationships because they neglect to recognize what they secretly like or will lose when it’s over. These outcomes represent the secondary gain that we need to replace to move on entirely.

In dating, there are some aspects of unrequited love that affect us all. As I have discussed before, uncertainty is attractive. We love to chase people who we are not sure like us because it floods our bodies with addictive and exhilarating dopamine. We relish the challenge of winning someone over who is hard to get. The anticipation of a potential reward is so enticing it motivates us to pursue dead-ends. Just like a drug addict craves the high, we are driven to seek the rush of dopamine. Why is it hard to quit? Because when we stop chasing the carrot, we lose the drama, the excitement, the drug-like high, and in some cases, our purpose.

Of course, there is more than chemicals to consider. We need to delve further into our own unmet needs and ask another critical question — beyond the additive game of romance, what are you going to miss about this person or situation? What will you lose when it’s all over?

You have probably never considered this, so give yourself time to reflect. In most cases, what you will miss is nothing more than external validation. This is a possible indication that you are suffering from low self-esteem and self-worth. Don’t worry because we are going to tackle these vulnerabilities throughout the process. For now, feel a sense of liberation in revealing what you unconsciously gain from your situation. Knowing your gaps empowers you to address them.

Establish Your Pillars Of Support

Establishing pillars of support has two outcomes in mind — filling the void of secondary gain and creating a system of internal validation.

Sadly, many people allow their lives to be consumed by the pursuit of a romantic interest. Both the thrill and success of the chase can become the determinant of a person’s self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. Rather than looking to romance as a purpose in life, I advocate building a strong support structure that does not rely on the external validation of others. Our intention should be to create a recurring system of internal validation that reduces our reliance on people.

This system is created by finding your pillars — the rocks and positive anchors that will consistently build your self-esteem and provide reassurance during moments of doubt. The goal is to discover interests and activities that make you feel alive and make them an integral part of your life. These pursuits will form foundations that will be immovable when all else goes to shit. They should be the places you go and things you do that no matter what is happening in your life, you can count on to provide an escape and sense of accomplishment. Think of this process as creating your inner sanctuary that nothing can penetrate.

For me, my pillars are simple. I love to lift weights, play cricket, boulder, watch classic movies, listen to music, read, and of course, write on Medium. All these activities either energize me, help me to re-charge, or restore calmness.

Having these rocks ensures balance and prevents me from spending too much of my time obsessing over any one thing or person. More importantly, they help me to build esteem, confidence, and worth. When I hit a personal best in the gym, nobody can take that away from me. When I reach a higher grade in bouldering, it’s my achievement from my hard work. When I get paid for writing on Medium, it’s a testament to the hours I’ve toiled writing posts and preserving through endless writer’s block.

What you focus on grows. If you spend your time chasing other people, your fixation for them increases. If you spend your time exploring new activities and doing things you love, you become a better version of yourself. You replace the euphoria of a dopamine-driven romantic chase with meaningful goals and pursuits that lead to real personal growth.

Over the next week, I want you to find your pillars and ingratiate them into your world. Try out classes you’ve always wanted or re-discover lost passions from your past. Not only will you start leading a more exciting life, but you’ll become more attractive and increase your chances of meeting new people. Your sense of validation will become increasingly self-determined, and you won’t feel the need to obsess over another person like before.

Destroy Your Negative Patterns

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. You need to tackle the unconscious habits and behaviors that are repeatedly preventing you from moving on.

Establishing your pillars begins the process of destroying these patterns. The next step is to capitalize on this momentum and apply the same logic to your specific situation.

We achieve this in two stages:

1. Listing out your patterns
2. Breaking them over time

Evaluate how you interact with this person and how you choose to let them into your life both physically and emotionally. Whether you are aware or not, there are subtle rules that govern the relationship between you. Does any of the below sound familiar?

• You always text first and reply immediately
• You have a set routine for contacting them, e.g., upon waking
• You tell white lies to impress them
• They decide where and when you meet, and you change your plans to suit them
• You prioritize them over anything else in your life
• You don’t say what you think to avoid displeasing them
• You always comment or like their stories on social media

These are just a handful of examples from the top of my head. You have been following these rules on autopilot, and now your goal is to break them.

Take 10 minutes to reflect upon your relationship with the person. Write a list of rules and patterns you have abided to date. This list should be long (at least 8–10 items), so think harder if all you have is texting frequency.

When you have that list, order them based on the effort it would take you to break that pattern. For example, you might find it challenging to stop viewing stories daily but easy to stop texting upon waking. Take the 3–4 easy rules, and break them without compassion. Whether it’s ignoring messages or canceling your routine coffee walk, do it, and don’t explain yourself. As you gain confidence, continue working up the list until you have broken all of them.

There is one major challenge you must face when you begin breaking patterns. The process will usually trigger an unconscious psychological tension in the other person — an itch that something about you is different. In most cases, this will manifest in a combination of questioning your behavior and a sudden desire to chase you. You must resist the temptation to explore this temporary shift in power. Humans suffer from loss aversion — the tendency to avoid losses over acquiring equivalent gains. That means even if they aren’t interested in you, they will take steps to prevent losing what you provide, be it friendship, attention, or entertainment.

They want you to return to your previous identity — the one that was not in control nor receiving what you wanted. Resist and stay the course, no matter what. Never explain your change or justify why you are doing things differently. Any attempt at justification displays how much influence they have and re-affirms their psychological hold over you. You are in control of your life — not them.

Break the patterns and ignore their responses.

Remove The Anchors Holding You Down

Anchors refer to an external stimulus (touch, smell, sound, sight, taste) that triggers an automatic physiological or psychological change in a person. You may have heard of Pavlov’s experiment, where a bell was sounded at the same time dogs were given food. Soon the dogs salivated upon hearing the bell, as they had been conditioned to expect food alongside that particular sound.

While anchors can be positive, many weigh us down. We know that they cause automatic changes in our state, so when they are not beneficial to us, we have to take action to remove them. This is especially relevant in dating. You will have several anchors that you unconsciously link to this person. Common examples include songs that remind you of them, places you went together, and opening social media to see their activity.

All of the above contains a link to the person and an associated feeling that affects you. For example, listening to a specific love song might bring up your feelings of longing and want for that person. Similarly, opening social media may tempt you to look at their profile. Seeing pictures of people you like can provide a sweet hit of dopamine and increase your desire. Soon the first thing you do after opening Instagram will be to navigate to their profile. If you’re not careful, you might even find yourself reading a bit too deeply into their posts and activity.

How do we destroy these anchors? You have two choices — avoid the stimulus or collapse the anchors. The latter is a powerful approach that is best explored with the aid of an experienced personal behavioral coach. Given I can’t do that justice through writing, I recommend you start with avoiding the stimulus.

List out all the triggers that make you think of this person, e.g. songs, places, social media — anything that causes a reaction in you. Write an action point for each item on the list and follow through. If it’s a song, remove it from your playlist. If there’s a place of meaning to you, avoid it or start going there with someone else to dampen the connection. If social media is your vice, either remove or mute them. It might sound dramatic, but it is often necessary to make progress. You wouldn’t quit smoking by hanging out with smokers or staring at Malborough Lites. If you reduce your exposure to the stimulus and maintain discipline, these anchors will slowly collapse on their own. Be a shark and attack the problem proactively, even if you have to make some tough decisions.

Expand Your Perspective With Cognitive Reframing

The lure of love often leaves us prone to self-pity and self-loathing, wondering why the world hasn’t dealt us the hand we want. The issue here is that we become stuck in our narrow view of the world. Gaining perspective is critical to your ability to handle adversity.

One of the most effective methods to facilitate this is Cognitive Re-framing — i.e., assigning a new meaning to an experience. A study by Bourgeois and Leary in 2001 showed that people who had been romantically rejected yet re-framed the event, quickly recovered from the initial pain.

Have you considered different perspectives on things not working out? Have you thought about how they may not know the real you? Are you aware that now you have the opportunity to find someone who appreciates and loves you for who you are, not who you pretend to be? Could you have dodged a bullet by not ending up with someone who doesn’t want you? How would it have felt engaging in a relationship where you had to spend weeks convincing your partner of your value? Rather than begging, playing games, and fighting to prove your worth, could you now be free to find the person who wants you for who you are?

It’s equally important to acknowledge that you do not control other people. Everyone has personal desires, and you have no right to control what they feel, what they want, or what they should do. When you relentlessly obsess over how somebody turned you down, you’re suggesting that it was wrong of them not to choose you — as though you should dictate the choices they make.

When you actively engage in re-framing and accept the reality of a situation, your maturity reaches new levels. You recognize that we are all human and that we all walk our unique path. You begin to appreciate the lessons from every experience and move forward with learning rather than dwelling on what could have been. Going through this step is critical to unwinding the baggage of rejection, and letting go of what was not meant to be. Start looking for new perspectives and do not underestimate the value of this process in providing closure to move on.

Finally — You Will Have Moments Of Weakness, And That’s OK

No matter how diligently you follow the steps outlined above, you will experience temporary blips of weakness. There will be times when you doubt yourself and whether you have the strength to move on. This is an unavoidable part of being human. We’re imperfect, fallible, and prone to emotion.

Rather than berate yourself for moments of vulnerability — embrace them as part of the process. How you feel now is not how you will feel forever. I remember one of my best friends used to pray for his girlfriend every night, out of sheer adoration for her. Within 11 months of their five-year relationship ending, he proposed to the woman of his dreams. We are all far more adept at recovering from rejection than we anticipate. He moved on from the person whom he ignorantly believed to be the one, and so can you.

This post has given you strategies that will help you with your journey. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our actions, and I can only take you so far. The only thing that remains is for you to stop reading online and take action.

Make it happen.

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