Why Unpredictability Is So Attractive

Have you ever met someone who you couldn’t figure out? Perhaps they left you feeling like a moth to a flame, drawn in like a magnet trying to decode and demystify their behavior. While one minute they were cold, reserved, and aloof, the next you saw a new side — warmth, energy, and infectious passion. You became intrigued, excited to peel away the layers and see what lies beneath.

Routine and predictability are dull — uncertainty is sexy. It gives us the chase, the anticipation, the highs, the lows — the rollercoaster of emotions. But what precisely is it about this age-old tactic that drives us so wild? Why is unpredictability, a seemingly counter-intuitive behavior, so damn attractive?

Two key psychological concepts contribute to this reality. The first is Cognitive Dissonance, which I have covered previously. That’s when we have to make sense of two conflicting behaviors and invest our time trying to solve the puzzle. While it is a significant influence on attraction, Cognitive Dissonance is only one part of the equation.

Fortunately, I have found the missing link, and it’s the same driver of addiction that is taking over our lives through cell phones, social media, gambling, and drugs. When it comes to raw attraction and wanting something, Dopamine driven reward loops are the name of the game — and nothing triggers a rush of those endorphins like unpredictability.

Let’s look at how Dopamine is the fundamental chemical driving the attraction of uncertainty.

What Is Dopamine?

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain that transports information between neurons. It’s responsible for the following functions:

Regulation of movement
Attention
Learning
Ability to see rewards and take action towards them
Creation of pleasurable feelings in response to rewards

Before you declare Dopamine a wonder drug, let’s remind ourselves it is a double-edged sword. Yes without enough production you won’t get anything done, and you risk suffering from Parkinson, ADHD, or even Schizophrenia (Schultz 2016).

Conversely, this chemical that drives us to take action also exposes us to excessive pleasure seeking and addictive behaviors. The feeling of euphoria we receive when we get our hit trains us to repeat the steps that led to that feeling. This creates a feedback loop and ingrains a habit.

In summary — Dopamine allows us to identify rewards, physically take action towards them, and feel great in the process. That means controlling this chemical directly influences how much effort a person will make and whether they feel good about it. Remember this for later.

How Does Unpredictability Affect Dopamine?

Dating revolves around a game of rewards — which means Dopamine is implicated whether you like it or not.

We know that this neurotransmitter drives a person to take action and feel good about it. In dating, this means the person is compelled to chase and will enjoy the process — there is an attraction to the overall game. As long as those pleasurable feelings are being created, the person will continue playing.

Given we know this mischievious chemical is so integral to attraction, the question becomes how does uncertainty affect dopamine?

Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky conducted research to find out more about the conditions of Dopamine release.

His results showed two main findings:

1 — Dopamine levels in humans rise in anticipation of a reward as well as receipt

In one experiment monkeys were trained to identify a signal (light switch), and press a button ten times in exchange for a food reward. As this went on the amount and timing of dopamine release was measured.

We would expect that levels would rise at the receipt of the reward; however, it was discovered that the signal was what triggered release. That initial secretion is what kept the monkey pressing the button — the anticipation of reward, not the receipt. In essence:

“Dopamine is about the anticipation of pleasure — the pursuit of happiness not happiness itself”

2 — Dopamine levels are highest when uncertainty is at it’s greatest (50%)

In a second experiment using the same principles, Sapolsky’s team only distributed a reward 50% of the time. Incredibly, twice as much dopamine was released when there was a 50% chance of getting the reward. When percentages were changed to 25% and 75%, the increase in predictability was associated with a corresponding decrease in levels. That means the more a result is 50:50, the more excited we are by the outcome. Hot and cold anyone?

What’s important to note is not just that the levels doubled, but the monkey’s still completed the work when the result was less predictable. The animals were still compelled to perform the task when there was a smaller guarantee of a reward. Notice how you see this dynamic play out in real life, as you watch humans put in immense amounts of work for future pay-days that are never guaranteed. If we’re honest, some of us even put the work in now for a reward that we *think* is going to come after death.

How Does This Apply To Our Love Lifes?

First, we need to define what the rewards are in dating. I’ve listed some examples below:

Attention — in person, texting, calling, social media
Physical Affection — touching, kissing, sex
Emotional Connection — sharing stories, vulnerabilities, passions, goals
Fun Experiences — dates, concerts, games, travel

If you’re really good looking, you can include that as a reward. Some people are fickle and want to be seen with physically attractive partners.

Second, we can infer some fundamental principles from these findings:

Principle 1 — We must appear a worthwhile reward for anyone to work for us

The monkeys only did the work because they got a treat. If you have nothing to offer in each of the categories above, nobody will chase you.

Principle 2 — Anticipation is enough to raise dopamine; we only need to give out rewards initially to pique the interest

There is no need to give out your rewards constantly. It’s counter-intuitive, but research shows that the anticipation is enough to get the chemical release and chase.

Principle 3 — Be as close to 50% predictability

Dopamine levels are doubled when certainty is at 50%. This increases the likelihood of a person to chase you and feel good about it. If you don’t do this, the result becomes boring, and interest drops.

The Chase — A Worked Example

Let’s look at this from the scenario of someone who wants to win the affection of another person, and get them chasing.

Initially, give out rewards such as attention, and fun experience. This could be the first date, but it doesn’t have to be. The other person needs to see this as worth the effort, so make it memorable.
The chaser now thinks that if they see you again, they will get the same outcome and pleasurable feeling — dopamine begins to rise in expectation of this feeling, without you having to deliver.
You now need to increase uncertainty by responding differently and withdrawing the frequency of rewards. You might decide to cancel a meeting or reduce the attention you give. This spikes dopamine twice as much which drives the person to chase what they lost.
Now increase the size of the reward. For example, you may want to build on your emotional connection or show physical affection. Maintain uncertainty as above.
The chaser becomes more compelled to win the bigger reward and pursues harder while feeling more pleasure. Dopamine levels are kept high because the perceived reward is increasing, while still being just elusive enough to maintain the interest. Excitement and anticipation remain high.

Now if you read that and thought it was manipulative, realize all that I’ve done is break down one half of why playing hot and cold works. Look at these example behaviors and see if they are familiar:

Inconsistent texting patterns — sometimes fast responses, sometimes none
Canceling plans last minute
Hot and cold sometimes happy to see you other times cold
Denying feelings but acting a different way
Physically touching and then suddenly withdrawing

All of the above create some element of uncertainty, and they rarely switch you off a person completely. If anything, it makes you want them more.

The purpose of this post is to show you precisely the role that uncertainty and unpredictability play in attraction. That role is mostly a manipulation of Dopamine — the hormone responsible for us wanting to do things and feeling great about them.

What’s the result? Immense attraction, a roller-coaster of emotions, and a euphoric experience. When a girl or guy doesn’t text you back every time, do you like them more or less? It might annoy you, but it usually makes you chase harder.

We are all enthralled by the chase. Nobody wants to watch a movie that’s predictable or lacks drama and conflict. We want to believe that we earned our results. Ironically, anything that comes easy makes us suspicious and wonder what’s wrong with that person. Remember, more predictable the outcome in dating, the quicker you lose interest.

What If I’m In A Relationship?

Predictability and routine are what destroy even the strongest and most loving couples.

Your goal is simple — never stop surprising each other.

If you adhere to this one rule, you always maintain that level of uncertainty and unpredictability that is shown to drive pleasurable feelings in humans. When you strive to surprise each other just enough, there is always an element of wonder and anticipation.

Not only will following this rule help boost your love for each other, but you’ll also always be pushing and trying new things. Together you will grow as individuals as you consistently look to expand your horizons and leave your comfort zone. After ten years in a relationship, I can tell you that to keep surprising, you will have to get creative — and that’s a beautiful challenge to have.

Uncertainty Is Attractive — Use It

You’ve seen some of the science behind why this one trait is so attractive in humans. We know that it drives immense feelings of pleasure from the production of Dopamine, and how it plays in an integral role in creating the experience of the chase.

You may also want to consider if the concepts in this article have caused you to obsess over someone without understanding why. Sometimes we become so inexplicably attracted to another human, we begin to question if it’s some divine destiny or meant to be. Chances are it is nothing more than your hormones creating an addictive feedback loop. Remember, elevated and consistent dopamine provides the euphoric high of crack cocaine. It can be equally damaging to your love life when left uncontrolled.

Now you know why uncertainty is so powerful, the question is how will you use this information?

Make it happen.

Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.

I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.

If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.

You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.