Is Cognitive Dissonance Causing Your Obsessive Crush?

We’ve all had crushes that make us question our sanity. No matter what we do, we can’t seem to get that person out of our head. Our friends tell us we’re crazy, that the object of our desire isn’t interested in us. Others will scream infatuation — nothing more than a fantasy created in the mischievous recesses of our minds. But you know better. You saw the way they smiled at you, the way their gaze lingered and pupils dilated.

And so you carry on. One day everything is blissful — you have their attention and the signs are clear — you’re elated and bathing in the euphoria of your apparent certainty. The next day everything changes — rapidly. You sit anxiously, filling the radio silence with your thoughts — why have they gone cold, was it something I did or something I said? Now you have doubt — and you don’t like it.

Before you know it, a psychological tension builds and begins to envelop your mind. You feel increasingly distressed and confused by their behavior, spending hours analyzing it in your head, maybe even replaying conversations to find where it went wrong. The question you are left wondering lingers uncomfortably in your mind — why can’t I stop thinking about this person?

Now before you rationalize that you met “the one,” let’s talk about some critical psychological concepts that may be creating illusions in your otherwise rational brain.

What you’re experiencing goes beyond simple “Hot and Cold” tactics. The person may not be purposely behaving in this manner, but that doesn’t change the effect on you. The primary driver of your obsession is less likely deep feelings and more probably Cognitive Dissonance. By the time you’ve finished reading this post, not only will you have a far greater understanding of the psychological phenomenon, but you’ll also be prepared to combat it in all areas of your life. Everything is about to change…follow the white rabbit.

What Is Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values simultaneously (Festinger, 1957).

Typically it is triggered by a situation in which a person’s belief clashes with new evidence perceived by the person. The classic example used in social psychology is the smoker discovering how dangerous the activity is for his health. When confronted with facts that contradict beliefs, ideas, and values, the smoker will find a way to resolve the contradiction to reduce their discomfort.

There are three primary methods of reducing dissonance.

1. Change the belief or behavior to comply with conflicting information, e.g., stop smoking.
2. Obtain new information that outweighs or disproves the dissonant belief, e.g., smoking has never definitively been proven to cause lung cancer or meeting someone who remains healthy after years of smoking.
3. Reducing the overall importance of the belief, behavior, attitude, e.g., smoking is the least of my problems, I accept the risks.

If we don’t seek a method of resolving the dissonance, we become incredibly agitated and have to cope with psychological distress, often in the form of excessive thinking and anxiety.

Dissonance, Romance, And Obsession

You might be wondering how this applies to the world of dating. Let’s break it down with a straightforward scenario.

• You meet a person at work and immediately hit it off — there’s an instant connection. You have lots in common and enjoy their company immensely. They smile at you, hold eye contact, and even hint at wanting to grab a drink at one point. All signs point to this person liking and being interested in you.
• You begin seeing that person around the office, still as friends. You start having WhatsApp conversations, exchanging memes, and make plans for that drink next week.
• Suddenly that person starts withdrawing. Interactions in person are cut short, and they seem uninterested in talking. Texts are less frequent, and you’re left in a state of limbo about that drink you had hoped to get. Uncertainty has entered the equation — you don’t know where you stand.

Right now you have two conflicting behaviors and beliefs, and you’re likely starting to spend time thinking about the situation. You have three choices now to resolve the psychological tension:

1. Change your belief — decide that they don’t like you and move on
2. Obtain new information — acquire some piece of knowledge that sways you in one direction
3. Reduce the importance of the scenario — it doesn’t matter because I have other things to be doing

Option two is what causes the majority of our obsessive crushes and attachments. Rather than making a swift decision and moving on, or focusing on more important things, we choose to search for more information — and most people will do it without directly asking. Why? Because asking is considered too up-front and risks rejection.

Instead, we go down the analytical route and choose to spend more time thinking about that person and all our interactions with them. As I’ve written about before, this is dangerous. The more time we spend thinking about a person, the more we become invested in them. What happens next is you spend your time analyzing the situation and reading into things that probably mean nothing. You start boring your friends with the same conversations, and before you know it, you’re mentioning this person at every opportunity.

The result is simple — you work yourself into a violent loop of consistently dissecting all your encounters and projecting what you want to be true into all of them. You start to mistake a genuine smile for a sign of attraction. You start to google “Signs he likes you” or “What does it mean if she brushes her hand against you.”

Our constant need to resolve the dissonant belief ourselves leads to a continual search for evidence that disproves it. We have to find reasons and proof that they like us — even when it isn’t there. The more we do this, the more invested and entrenched in the situation we become. After a while, we start to rationalize that all the effort we put in is the result of our immense feelings of attraction for that person.

The reason this affects so many people for so long is that they refuse to confront the situation directly, i.e., by just asking the person out or making a move. When you do that, you remove all questions and get a clear answer. You then have the clarity to change your belief (option 1) or reduce the importance and focus on other things (option 3). Instead, so many choose to live in hope out of fear of rejection, subjecting themselves to continual psychological distress.

Most people who are the subject of a crush know, and choose to play ignorant or throw crumbs that keep the other fishing. Even in cases where a person issues the dreaded friend zone damnation, that same individual will often be guilty of displaying behaviors that keep the other party interested. Can you blame them? Be honest — would you want to lose that affection? The solution is to take responsibility for ourselves.

How To Combat Our Psychological Fallibility

If you’re experiencing a crush or infatuation, there is no reason to feel guilty for your feelings and attachment. We are all human, and arguably situations such as these teach us profound lessons about our inner-selves. In some cases, they highlight to us where we need to heal.

The purpose of this post is to illustrate how a simple psychological concept can play tricks with your mind — and how you might be contributing to it yourself.

If you find yourself in a similar situation to what’s been described, take responsibility and action. Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over — and expecting different results. The most effective ways to resolve dissonance is to follow Option 3 — That is to and focus on reducing its importance in your life by following your passions and finding your purpose.

When we become enamored and overly concerned with our romantic lives, we lose sight of our own needs and aspirations. It’s not selfish to put yourself first, contrary to what society tells you. It’s your life, and you should be living it for you and nobody else. Push forward towards your dreams and always have a mission or purpose that you are pursuing. Having these core foundations in place protects you from ever being too distracted and wasting your most valuable assets — time and potential.

If you’re reading this I’ve assumed you can relate to an obsessive crush. Sometimes we meet someone who genuinely excites us on multiple levels, and there is potential for a legitimate future. We are attracted and want to make things work. The key is to maintain a healthy level of self-respect and avoid the self-sabotage when things don’t go our way. Be willing to stand up for yourself, seek clarity where you need it, and most importantly pursue passions in your life that prevent you from paralysis by analysis.

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