Your relationship is rooted in lust not in love

New connections are exciting, but they can also leave us blind. These are the signs you’re in lust, not love.

by: E.B. Johnson

Is there anything more exciting than the rush of a new attraction? Falling is a process we seem to do fast and hard, and it’s one that can leave us with brilliant results…or blinding heartbreak. It all comes down to the partners we select and the relationships we build with them. When those relationships are entirely rooted in lust, however, we can often find ourselves heading down a road for certain disaster.

When you fail to honestly pursue the types of partners and relationships that provide the things you need — or, when you use physical connection to mask your fears — you end up burying important parts of yourself. We can think of our partnerships like a delicate plant. More than water, there are also a number of other nutrients they need to survive. Our relationships are the same. Basing them entirely in lust just isn’t enough. If you want your relationship to thrive, you need more than just a physical connection.

Falling is easy to do.

Falling for someone is easy to do, but the process is so exciting that is can often leave us blind to some core truths. Our relationships are important and we place a lot of pressure on ourselves and others to make them work. When we don’t have our own real definition of love, though, (or we’ve never taken the time to explore our own needs) we bury our truths and try to make the wrong things work. We have to re-frame our definitions of love and be honest about what kind of partnerships we need.

Lust-filled relationships are fun, and they can provide us with a boosted sense of confidence and connection. In order to make things last, though, those connections have to run more than just skin-deep. Basing our relationships in sex and sex alone will leave us disappointed and looking for more. Why? Because connection requires similar interests and a similar vision for the future.

Believe that your relationship might be based on the physical side alone? It doesn’t have to stay that way forever. Once you admit the truth, you can start being honest about what you really want and need from romantic love, or your romantic partners. Make no mistake, however. Sex is a critical component of most romantic relationships, and it’s also okay to fill your life with these short-term partnerships — if that’s what you want to do. It all comes down to ensuring you’re being honest with yourself and the people you choose to build your life with.

The signs your relationship is rooted in lust not love.

Think your relationship might be rooted in lust and not in love? These are the signs to look out for. From an overly heavy emphasis on looks, to a complete obsession with sex — the sooner you’re honest about these signs, the sooner you can begin to take action to replace them.

Looks are most important

If your partner lost the feature you’re most attracted to, would you still be attracted to them? Looks are most important in a sex-based relationship, and that’s because these looks are needed to get the gears going in the bedroom. While sex certainly contains elements of romantic love, it can also be a completely primal and tactile experience too. You don’t have to look below the surface to get “turned on” with one another, and when that’s the case, physical appearance takes the front seat.

Honesty is subjective

How often do you consider your intentions when it comes to interactions with your partner? Do you tell them what they want to hear, because — ultimately — you’re hoping to get something from them? So, you play a game and say and do the things you know will ingratiate you to the other party. When our words come alongside such selfish intentions, what we’re really doing is engaging in manipulation (whether the things we’re saying are true or not). Intent is everything when it comes to building honest and open partnerships, but bad intentions can still exist beside with moments of truth.

Failing to look below

Lusty relationships are superficial. You don’t work to get to really know your partner, because ultimately you don’t care. Things are kept in fantasy land, because that’s the only way you can keep the one thing going that you hold in common. By failing to look below, however, we fail to create those deep-rooted bonds that bring us compassion and empathy for one another in times of hardship. Letting our walls down to let someone in is scary, but also incredibly necessary if we want to build something which lasts.

Moving too fast

Things move really fast in a relationship that’s based on sex. That’s because of the constant physical demands of such a relationship, and the importance of always being in physical proximity to one another. Sex-only relationships are intense, and that intensity moves us in places swiftly and with little thought. The call of the body makes us race — not unlike the automatic beat of our pulse — but it leaves little room for listening to our heads or our hearts in the process.

Flimsy communication

If you don’t communicate, or feel uncomfortable opening up to one another about anything important or substantial — it can point to a relationship that isn’t yet delving into deep waters. Silence too can be awkward for the lusty couple, though, especially for a partnership that is nearing the end of its shelf life. In an effort to fill the empty spaces between the physical intimacy, cheap, flimsy communication becomes standard. You might talk all the time, but you talk about nothing and everything. It’s basically the same information you wouldn’t mind sharing with a friend, or someone on a long bus ride.

All roads lead to sex

When it comes to the lust-based relationships, all roads lead to sex. Sex is the primary reason for this type of coupling, and no matter what you do, every action as a couple will result in this act. You might resolve your disagreements with sex. You might celebrate victories with sex. You both think about sex constantly, and you use it as your primary means of communication, resolution, entertainment, and bonding. While sex can certainly liven up these aspects of our life, to hide behind them completely is to avoid authentic vulnerability.

Conflict has no resolution

Constant conflict — especially when it comes without any real answers — can be a sign of a lust-based relationship. When you and your partner fight (which is probably a lot) your conflicts rarely end with any sort of productive conversation or resolution. This is because your relationship is so superficial that neither party really cares that much to work through issues that might lead to greater divides later on. In a way, you both acknowledge that your relationship has no future by refusing to do the work it takes to ensure its growth and longevity.

No vision for the future

Couples have to make plans with one another if they want to build relationships that are more substantial than a few casual dates and a sex-buddy. If you and your partner aren’t making plans together, then this means that you can’t really imagine the other person being there in any of your big future moments (graduation, the birth of a child, buying your first home, moving across the country, etc). This is an incredibly telling sign that what you feel for them runs in a shallow and short-term place.

Disappearing friendship

Friendship is crucial to any stable, happy, lasting, and equitable partnership you can hope to construct. When you are in a sex-only partnership, you might connect on a really physical level — but you don’t necessarily like them outside of the bedroom. You are lovers, but not friends. Housemates, but not partners. This can happen at any stage of a relationship. It’s especially telling, however, when this dip in connection occurs early on. If your partner in the sack isn’t someone you want to hang out with in “real life”, then your relationship isn’t based in love. It’s based on lust.

Why you settle when you know it isn’t real.

So why do we allow ourselves to get tangled up in relationships that don’t necessarily offer us the things we need or want? For many of the same reasons we engage in other toxic relationships: skewed perspectives, low self-esteem, and a complete confusion when it comes to self and needs.

You’re unrealistic

So many of us stay in sex-only relationships because they think that things will grow deeper, or magically change with time. While it’s certainly possible that our relationships grow with time, some relationships never get past that physical stage — and that’s okay. We don’t have to connect on any other level to connect on the physical one. Just like we don’t have to click physically with everyone that we care for emotionally. When you believe that just when of these things can make a happy relationship, though — you’re being unrealistic. We have to meet one another’s needs on multiple levels.

You’re wearing rose-tinted glasses

Are you wearing rose-tinted glasses, or refusing to see things as they really are? Perhaps you’ve had nagging doubts for a week, but you keep sweeping them under the rug. Perhaps every time you get concerned, you corner one another back into the sack. The longer you keep these goggles on, the more opportunities will pass you by. The partner who can give you more than sex is out there, but you have to break out of the lust zone to see that.

You have low self-esteem

Low self-esteem is so incredibly toxic, and it causes us to completely deny who we are and what we want. When you suffer from low or damaged self-confidence, you settle for partners who aren’t good enough; and, you even sell yourself short by accepting their less-than-desirable behavior. You have to boost how you think about yourself in order to understand that you deserve the relationship that you want…whatever that relationship might be.

You were never taught differently

Think back for a moment, to the examples of love and relationships that were set for you in childhood? Did you witness a lot of give and take? Or, did you witness a lot of one-sided and superficial relationships in which the physical aspects of connection and appearance were lauded over everything else? When you get taught that love comes from being attractive (or giving up your body) it reinforces ideas that land us in superficial relationships later on down the road.

You’re addicted to the rush

Plain and simple: some people are addicted to the rush of sexual relationship. To them, the chase is the best part. They love getting to know a new person and getting to know how they move in the bedroom. It’s a thrill to them, and one that can be addictive. When you get addicted to the rush of sex, it forces you to see that aspect of connection as the most important and meaningful part — which just isn’t true. There’s much more to building a life together than sex. You need to value and respect one another too.

You’re ruled by fear

When we are ruled by our fear, it makes it impossible to get close or be vulnerable. Sex is easy. Love is hard. When you’re just chasing lust, there’s not a lot of thinking that has to be done, or considerations that have to be made. You don’t have to open up or share your past, and the things that make you tick. Both parties are still very much “on their own”; coming together only when they have needs of the flesh, which are satiated and disappear as quickly as they come. That’s not a real connection, and our fear knows that. On its own (with no emotional exertion) sex is nothing more than a distraction.

How to reset and build the relationships you want.

Does this sound like your relationship? Don’t lose hope. You can reshape the way you see partnerships if this is what you want to do. You’re going to have to commit to the process, though, and understand that it takes the courage to act and stand up for the things you truly want from life and love.

1. Get honest about what you need

Rebuilding the way we see relationships is a process that really requires us to commit in the long-term. This process begins by first getting real about what we want and need — separate from our partners, and any of the other outside pressure sources. We have to be very clear on what a happy future looks like for ourselves before we can find someone to build that vision with. Sex alone won’t get us there, and it won’t reveal the depth of our other needs either.

Take a little time for yourself every day (10–20 minutes) and spend it journalling. In these journalling sessions, explore what you want your future to look like. Describe your ideal partner, how you want them to treat you. What do you want the life you share to look like in 50 years?

Really be honest about everything you need outside of your relationship to feel happy within it. Do you need to take better care of yourself? Come to the table with your own career, or your own money? Build a life that brings you fulfillment and then look to fill up the remaining space in your life with a person who compliments it and values it just as you do. The longer you bury your needs away against the quick rush of skin-on-skin, the more unhappy and unfulfilled you’ll become.

2. Let your emotions have some space

We often focus on superficial and short-term relationships because we have a hard time dealing with our emotions. It’s understandable. Emotions are complex, uncomfortable and intense. They can move us in directions we don’t want to go, and force us to confront truths we’d rather not consider. In order to build more fulfilling partnerships (if that’s what we want to do) we have to learn to embrace our emotions and give them space to grow in our relationships.

Get comfortable with your feelings and start embracing them like the friends and companions that they are. Even our most diabolical and uncomfortable emotions serve a purpose. Let your emotions have some space to breathe and watch them as they pass by. Notice how they impact you, but notice too what information they are trying to convey.

Falling into friendship with our feelings eliminates that fear that keeps us running from one superficial relationship to the next. Mastering our emotions enables us to have hard conversations and open up whenever we think something is off. It’s a powerful skill to possess, and one that goes a long way in helping us to cultivate the emotional awareness we need to thrive. Stop running from your emotions and give them the room they need to help you.

3. Practice the art of self-control

Even the most perfectly matched partners can find themselves spinning down the rabbit-hole of lust if they aren’t careful. If you want to ensure that your relationship doesn’t just become about sex, you have to move from lust to love by learning to practice some self-control. While physical intimacy is important, it has its time and its place in our partnerships. When we learn to prioritize and compartmentalize these components, we find better ways to build our togetherness.

Stop relying on sex as the answer to all of your relationship problems. No matter how badly you want your partner on a physical level, don’t allow that activity to be the only activity you engage in. You can have healthy, burgeoning sex lives without making that the center of your existences. Learn how to lean into fun and connection outside of the bedroom.

Understand that a fully realized relationship is composed of great sex, great conversation, fun, excitement and unconditional support. Without a little piece of all of these things (honesty included) it’s hard to cross over those distances that pop up along the way. If sex and physical intimacy have become the sole mover behind your partnerships, step back and practice a little self-control. This will give you a perspective that you never considered before and pull you out of a very addictively alluring place.

4. Redefine your sense of true love

So many of us run through life chasing love, but then quickly confuse this love with physical connection. It’s an easy mistake to make. Turn on the TV and it won’t take long to spot a couple who profess their love for one another, and then promptly jump into the sack together. Likewise, if you grew up in an emotionally volatile or dysfunctional home, you might have learned too that expressions of love come from our bodies — not our hearts or our heads.

We have to redefine our definitions of true love if we truly want to break out of the lust trap. While physical intimacy is certainly a component of romantic love, it’s not the end-all-and-be-all to true love.

True love happens when we find someone who supports us no matter what. It comes with no conditions, but it does come with boundaries that make the expectations of that partnership clear. When we’ve found true love we don’t need to only be in the bed together. We enjoy talking together, going on adventures together. Every day is a chance to enjoy the presence and person of someone you want to know on the deepest of levels. It’s being vulnerable, but above all it’s saying, “I choose you,” every single day.

5. Cultivate a greater sense of self-respect

If you are someone who’s become trapped in a relationship that’s all about the physical — what does your sense of self-respect look like? If you’re unhappy with the setup, why haven’t you said anything? Why aren’t you building relationships that make you happy? It comes down to self-esteem and how much we value ourselves. In order to build better partnerships, we have to have the courage to respect ourselves and pursue the things we need with abandon.

Know when to say “no”, and start sticking up for yourself when you feel as though your relationship is moving in a direction you don’t want it to go. Know that superficial relationships are okay, but know that it’s okay too to want a loving and supportive partner that’s there for you in the traditional way.

Cultivate a greater sense of self-respect, and use that to build the partnership you need. The more you love who you are, the easier it becomes to stand up for yourself, but also to identify those things you want in other people. Focus on your inner peace and know that you don’t have to give your body over to anyone in order to feel seen, wanted, or deserved. The perfect person is out there waiting for you. And they want to love you in the way you want to be loved. You have to put yourself on the same path to find them, though.

Putting it all together…

Our romantic relationships are exciting, and they can provide us with invaluable support, insight and perspective. When we get too caught up in the physical realm, however, we lose sight of the things that matter and create partnerships that are based entirely in lust rather than on love. We overcome this by knowing the signs and committing to do better for ourselves and the things we want for our futures.

Be honest with yourself (and your partners) about what you really want and need from a relationship at any given time. If you want to move from lust-based relationships to love-based ones you need to communicate your needs, but you also need to embrace them and stop running from your emotions. Our fear keeps us in places that make us unhappy. Practice some self-control and take action to build the type of partnership that allows you to feel valued and seen without the expenditure of your physical body and energy. True and lasting relationships encompass the mind, the body, and the spirit. Build these all-encompassing relationships the right way, by looking out for signs of real love and cultivating a greater sense of respect for yourself and the future you’re planning for. You have a right to be happy, and you have a right to the relationship that you want. Build it with integrity, honesty and action — in and out of the bedroom.