Your mother can be just as toxic as anyone else
Do you and your mother have a turbulent relationship? While accepting your role, it may be time to admit that she’s toxic.
by: E.B. Johnson
We have all been sold the fairy tale of what a mother should be, but we don’t all get that caring and accepting angel that we were promised. For some, the relationship they share with their mother is tragic and heartbreaking. Our mothers can be just as abusive and just as toxic as anyone else in our lives, but we’re very often scared to admit that. Why? The sooner we allow ourselves to face the truth, the sooner we can find our way back to self-realization.
Mothers can be toxic too.
Partners, spouses, and bosses aren’t the only people in our lives who can be toxic and abusive to us. Our own families can also turn on us and make life hard to live. Would you describe your mother as a loving person? Or would you describe her as something else? Although it seems to be one of the biggest taboos to admit, our mothers can be the toxic turning point in our families. Does your mother belittle you? Run you down or try to get in the way of your happiness? There’s a hard truth that you may need to admit.
Our mothers can be just as damaging and toxic as anyone else in this world.
Once you admit that your mother is a problem in your life, you can take steps to protect yourself and (potentially) repair the relationship. That’s a hard leap to make, though, and one that can feel counterintuitive to how we were raised. Seeing your mother for who she truly is is not a crime, though. We are all just humans — fragile, broken, and doing the best that we can. Admitting that your mother is a sticking point in your life is not casting her as the villain. It’s simply committing to seeing her as she is, and it’s committing to respecting your needs too.
Signs of a toxic mother.
Is your mother toxic? Does she belittle you with comparisons? Attack you with passive aggression? Or drag you down with guilt trips? Before you can move forward to healing, you have to wake up to the signs and allow yourself to admit the hard truth you’ve been avoiding.
Making comparisons
As humans, we tend to be competitive creatures. We like to look around and compare our lives to others, but those comparisons can be toxic. That’s especially true when they’re wielded by a toxic mother. Does your mother use comparisons to run you down? Pit you against your siblings? Do they make you feel bad about yourself or things that you genuinely love? This is a common sign of a mother who is behaving toxically toward you.
Building walls
Does your mother stonewall you whenever you “step out of line” or say something that she doesn’t like? This is the silent treatment taken to the next level. When someone stonewalls you, they refuse to talk to you and refuse to acknowledge you in any way. It’s a common way in which abusers attempt to manipulate the people they abuse. Like shunning, it’s designed to prey on the child’s natural sense of insecurity and desire to be loved by the mother.
Expert covert aggression
Toxic mothers are experts when it comes to covert passive aggression. To the outside world, it may look like there is little conflict going on — but you realize the truth when you’re being attacked on the other side. When your mother is being passive aggressive, she might make snide remarks, leave you out of things intentionally, or go out of the way to tear you down to others. At first, you may not realize what’s going on until it’s too late.
Going for gaslighting
Gaslighting is the universal tool of all toxic and abusive people, no matter who they may be to us in life. To gaslight someone is to undermine their idea of reality when it comes to their relationship with. The gaslighter denies their behavior, but they do so in an insidious way — by causing their victim to doubt their own sanity. When you confront your mother about her poor behavior, what happens? Does she deny it? Does she call you crazy? These could be signs of gaslighting.
Superior blame games
Blame games are common when it comes to the toxic mother. While not going as far as outright scapegoating, you may find that your mother blames you for the problems in your relationship. If you ask her to stop yelling at you, she flips the script and blames you for making her yell. If you ask her to treat you differently, she may claim that your behavior needs to change first. It’s all about avoiding accountability and making you the person responsible for her mistakes.
Guilt trips
How often does your mother use guilt against you? Guilt trips aren’t healthy, and they aren’t conducive to a good life or good choices either. The child who is guilted into behavior comes to see themselves in an inferior way. This pattern perpetuates across their adult relationships, in cycles of shame that make it impossible for them to connect in any real way. The guilt drives a wedge between child and mother too. The child quickly learns that they are never safe to share with their mother, lest they become a victim of guilt.
Making a mockery
Mockery is another tool that a toxic or abusive mother might use in order to tear you down or divide you from the family (or even your own partner). A mother who mocks you is never doing so out of love, or out of respect. Does your mother make fun of your body? Does she humiliate you publicly for the things you say or do? While she may claim her behavior comes from a funny place, it’s really meant to undermine your self-esteem.
Creating scapegoats
The toxic mother loves nothing more than to create scapegoats. It’s one of the ways in which she is able to get by with her poor behavior. This happens when she blames her problems (or the problems of the family) on one sibling. No matter what this person says or does, they will inspire the mother’s rage, and they will receive blame for every instance of bad luck that strikes. They often direct their ire at the “weakest” child, the youngest child, or the child that most refuses to align with her behavior.
How to deal with a mother who is toxic or abusive.
It’s important that you confront the issue of a toxic mother in your life. You cannot allow the behavior to continue unaddressed if you want to have a happy life (or an improved relationship with your mother). The only thing that can be done is to confront the issue before you in the way that best suits your situation. These tips can help you get on track.
1. Give her one chance to change
Not all toxic mothers need to be instantly cut from your life. Sometimes, it’s possible for the problematic people in our lives to change. There is the small chance that your mother will see your points as a catalyst for doing things differently. More than that, it may change the relationship you share in a positive way. Outside of these benefits, though, you need to make yourself clear, anyway. You need to make your mother aware that you’re ready to create a life for yourself.
Once you have all your concrete facts together, lay it all out on the table with your mother. Find a place where you can speak without interruption and let her know how you’re feeling. Use your factual examples, keep it civil, and avoid any blaming language. Don’t assume she knows what she’s done wrong, or how its affecting you. She may be so entrenched in the behavior that she’s unaware.
Describe your feelings and describe what change you want to see in her as a mother. This should be well-considered, and realistic. She won’t become Mary Poppins overnight, but she can make incremental changes that will improve your relationship with each other. Set small goals and remember: this isn’t a conversation. This is you laying down the law in your life. Your mother can choose to respect that or not. Give her the chance to change and clarify that things will change if she doesn’t.
2. Keep hold of your confidence
Establishing space for yourself against a toxic or abusive mother is no easy feat, especially when you are still close with your mother. This is precisely what must be done, though, in order to build better boundaries in the future. You’ve got to make room for your emotions, for your perspectives, and the things that you want for your life. Doing that requires confidence, though, and believing in the dream you have for the relationships you nurture.
Keep hold of your confidence and refuse to let her take it down. You are a powerful person, with a right to define your terms of the relationships you hold close. Allow yourself to take up space in the conversations that will follow and believe in your right to be happy in alignment with your own values.
Confidence key in dealing with any toxic person, but it is especially important as you face off against a potentially toxic mother. Dig deep. Look inward and find your strength. At some point, decide if you’re going to choose your fear for her over your desire to live a happy life. Is that a sacrifice you’re willing to make? If your answer is no, then you need to tap into your confidence and you need to do it now. Then you’ll be able to take action in the name of your happiness.
3. Build boundary lines and limits
Boundaries are a must for every relationship, whether it’s a romantic partner or a parent. Our boundaries allow us to protect our wellbeing, but they also allow us to communicate our expectations to those around us. Having boundaries with your parents is healthy. Crossing too far into one another’s gravity leads to chaos and conflict. If you want any chance of repairing your relationship with your mother, then you need to set limits and demand that they be respected.
Take a step back from your relationship with your mother and take an honest look at it. What behaviors are intolerable to you? How do you want to be treated by her, and what expectations do you have of your mother? It’s okay to expect things from your mother. It’s okay to demand respectful behavior.
Decide how you want to be treated by your mother and create new boundary lines. Lay them out clearly for her and let her know what you will no longer tolerate from her. You have a right to draw the line, and you have a right to demand respect for that line. If your mother refuses to respect your boundaries, then make it clear that she will lose access to you. We are in control of our environments and we can revoke access to anyone that can’t respect that.
4. Invest in some professional help
Although we don’t like to hear it, it’s not always easy to overcome the trauma of a toxic mother on our own. That pain runs deep into places we’re not always aware of, and it spills over into other parts of our lives and cognitive function. In order for us to ensure that we’re on track with what we want and where we’re going, it’s important to invest in professional help from someone who cares.
Being abused or devalued by our mothers is a hard thing to deal with. From a young age we crave their love, and when we don’t get it, there are some serious consequences on cognitive and developmental levels. Those aren’t hurdles you can just wake up and wish away. You need real help.
Invest in professional help. Find someone who can expertly sympathize with what you’re going through and allow them to lead you to healthier conclusions. The trauma that we experience with our families runs deep. It’s not always safe to confront that pain on our own (or with those who are inexperienced). The journey you’re on is intense. Get the help you need and make an investment in your happiness and wellbeing.
5. Don’t be afraid to cut the cord
Your mother may not accept your fresh changes or the things that you ask of her. That’s how it works with toxic people. As you grow and find yourself, they find their power threatened (and that’s not always something they’re willing to let go of). If your mother can’t change, then you need to consider what you need to do in order to keep your happiness. You do not owe her your sense of peace as a sacrifice for her decision to bring you into the world.
Ultimately, your mother may make the choice not to change. Beyond that, she may see your boundaries as an attack, and sever you from her life instead. Are you prepared for that? Sometimes it is the only way to be happy. The mother we have is not always the mother we need.
It’s time for you to remember that you don’t need your mother to be happy. The love that she never gave you is still out there in the world — waiting for you to find it. There are people out there who want to love. Experiences which will bring you a sense of fulfillment and belonging that you could never imagine. Why do you need the approval of this one person when so many other beautiful things are out there waiting for you to find them? Don’t be afraid to cut the cord.
Putting it together…
While we’ve been raised with the idea that the mother is an all-loving, all-accepting figure, nothing could really be further from the truth. Sometimes, our mothers become the monsters under our beds. They can be fearsome figures and fearsome judges of who we are and what we want for our lives. Our happiness is defined by us, though. Are you dealing with a mother who belittles you? Dismisses you? Stonewalls you, or worse? It’s time to admit who your mother is, and it’s time for you to take action in the name of your personal wellbeing.
Give your mother a chance to change and explain how you foresee those changes processing. Think incremental shifts and set small goals that transform the way you interact with one another. Keep your confidence and don’t doubt yourself if you’re confronting with gaslighting or outright denial. Get clear on where your boundary lines lie and then make those new limits clear to your mother. Let her know you value her (and that you want her in your life) but clarify that she won’t be rewarded for destructive behavior with access to you. Don’t be afraid to invest in some professional help and know the value it can bring. Above all else, though, do what is right for you. If you need to walk away from a mother who is toxic and abusive, know that you have permission from the universe to make yourself happy.
- Birditt, K., Miller, L., Fingerman, K., & Lefkowitz, E. (2009). Tensions in the parent and adult child relationship: Links to solidarity and ambivalence. Psychology And Aging, 24(2), 287–295. doi: 10.1037/a0015196
- Michalski, J. (2017). The Cumulative Disadvantages of Socially Toxic Family Environments: A Comparison of Early Life Experiences of Incarcerated Men and University Students. Journal Of Cultural Analysis And Social Change, 2(2). doi: 10.20897/jcasc/80926
