The 5 most common ways we weaponize parenthood

We can’t raise happy children if we hold them in resentment. If you want to build a family that thrives, stop weaponizing your parenthood.

by: E.B. Johnson

In this life, there are few roles more important than that of the parent. To be a parent means more than bringing another life into the world. It means taking on responsibility for another human being and fostering that light within them in such a way that it can thrive despite the chaos of the world. Parenthood is a personal choice, but it’s one that touches thousands and thousands of people on this planet.

Some take this responsibility with grace, and bring up children who are happy, healthy, and fulfilled. They go out of their way to meet the needs of their offspring, and they even sacrifice their own convenience to make it happen. To some, though, parenthood is a weaponized decision — which they use to hold over the heads of their children in order to control their behavior or their loyalty and proximity. This type of parenting is toxic, though, and leads to hardships for our children for years to come.

Parenthood is a choice.

Becoming a parent is a dream that millions of people realize every day. They grow up, leave their families, and start families of their own. Society — in general — sees this as the ultimate aim. It’s important to remember, though, that parenthood in the modern age (and the western world) is a choice. We choose to have children, and we choose what life they will lead. When we lose sight of this, we leave room for toxic parenting to come in, as well as weaponized parenting techniques meant to alleviate your resentment.

Are there layers of resentment beneath the love you feel for your child? Do the required sacrifices grate on your nerves? We can’t hold our personal decisions to have children against those children. Instead, we have to fight our baser urges and cultivate an ultimate and radical level of acceptance and compassion.

We owe our children lives that are peaceful and happy, with access to the things they need to thrive on a mental, emotional, and physical level. We have to tailor our parenting styles to the child and seek not to control their behavior by instilling in them a fear of loss or fear of the world at large. Love your child. Nurture them. Admit when you’re wrong and seek to do better. These are all ways we can stop taking aim at our children and become more loving and supportive parents.

Toxic ways in which we weaponize parenthood.

Believe it or not, there are those who weaponize their parenthood in order to punish or control their children, and others around them as well. It’s an easy role to take advantage of. Some parents use their power to instill fear and confusion when they should be using their power to provide shelter, compassion, and endless empathy.

Scaring children into behavior

Fear is a tactic that many parents use in order to get the behaviors they want out of their children. Do you use your power over your kids? To implant fears in them that haunt them for decades to come? Is it all in an effort to make your life more peaceful or convenient? This use of scare tactics can teach a child to accept abusive or terrorizing behavior. It can also teach the child to bury their feelings away in order to make others more comfortable.

Demanding perfection

Our children look up to us and see us as their first examples of “success” or “normality”. Some of us use this reverence for ill, though, by demanding perfection or overachievement in our children, and threatening (whether directly or indirectly) to withhold the one thing they want most from us if they fail — our affection and respect. Do you make it clear that you expect more from your children? Do you use anger to express this? You’re creating fears and anxieties in them that will disrupt their relationships for years to come.

Becoming the star of the show

There are some parents who weaponize the role they inhabit in different ways. Rather than becoming a domineering force, they become an internalized center of focus; forcing their children to pay attention to them, rather than paying attention to their children. This perfectly describes the narcissistic parent who demands attention from everyone around them. It all stems from an inflated sense of ego and simultaneous insecurity.

Instilling a sense of guilt

One of the most toxic ways in which one can weaponize their parenthood is through the use of toxic guilt. This usually takes the form of comments (and beliefs) like “You have no idea what I’ve sacrificed for you,” or “You should be grateful and be quiet.” These types of statements holding the child’s very existence against them. Likewise, this type of guilt can be used to shift blame to the child when the parent fails. It’s meant to keep the child in line and keep them beholden. But parenthood is a choice. Don’t hold your choices against a child.

Warping ideas of self

When we have children that are highly intelligent and / or headstrong, it can be hard to feel as though they are taking on our lessons. In an attempt to control them, we can find that we (intentionally or unintentionally) warp their ideas of self. We discourage their strength and teach our children to submit to those who subjugate them; those who demand control without deserving it and without reason.

How to build healthier parenting tactics (and a happier family).

You don’t have to hold your role as a parent in resentment forever. You can embrace your place in your children’s lives and build healthier parenting tactics which help them to thrive. Know that what you do matters and find better ways to accept your responsibility. Parent to fit your child and nourish their sense of independence from you. Then you can find ways to embrace your own growth and become the parent you were always meant to be.

1. Know that what you do matters forever

Being a parent is a bit like being a celebrity. You become the center of someone’s world and, suddenly, “all eyes” are on you. Your children watch every single thing that you do and they look up to you as a role model whether they realize it or not. It’s how we acclimate ourselves to this world. Humans are mimickers, and our parents are our first point of reference as we become who we are.

The decisions you make in every moment of your parenthood will matter — whether it directly or indirectly involves your children. They see everything that you do, and their children’s brains make whatever sense of it they can. More often than not, they take these decisions as lessons and apply them to the course of their own lives, and their relationships. What you do as a parent right now in this moment matters forever.

The way you handle yourself (and others) in times of crisis is going to set the precedent for how your child does the same in the future. The way you manage heartbreak is a pattern you set for your children to mimic in their own relationships. Take a good, long look at every aspect of your life and analyze it. Are you setting the right precedent for your child? Are you teaching them lessons that will help them to thrive?

2. Cultivate understanding and acceptance

There is a certain level of understanding and acceptance that’s required to make a happy parent and a happy family. This acceptance happens across multiple planes and very often requires us to dig deep into our well of empathy. You need to strive to understand who your child is at every stage of their development. You should strive to accept them and accept your true role as their parent and steward on this plane.

You are responsible for their life and the quality of it. Until they are out building a life of their own, their happiness rests on your shoulders. You must instill them with confidence and know-how. You must teach them how to process their emotions and connect with others in a healthy and loving way.

You need to accept that sometimes your needs are going to have to change or co-exist beside their own. You may have to put your immediate wants on the back-burner to provide for their immediate needs. Likewise, understand that your child is not responsible for your happiness, nor are they responsible for becoming the person you thought they would be. Love them. Respect them. And see them for who they truly are.

3. Parent to fit your child, not vice versa

Many of us were brought up on this cliché and toxic idea of the parent-child relationship in which the parent assumes the role of a domineering artist whose role is to forcibly mold their child into a stereotypical definition of “success”. The problem here, though, is that this assumes that all children are born as nothing more than blank slates. Nothing could be further from the truth. Our children are as unique and varied in their emotional needs as we are.

Not every child requires the same parenting style in order to thrive. For some, the domineering model will result in a radical build up of emotion that results in a catastrophic release. They’ll destroy themselves trying to live up to your expectations, or sabotage themselves to destroy you both entirely.

You need to pay attention to who your child really is and parent them accordingly. We all have different learning styles, and the parent-child relationships the ultimate student and pupil partnership. You are supposed to teach your child how to live as a well-adjusted adult. Figure out what that unique path looks like for your child and then make necessary adjustments accordingly.

4. Nourish a sense of independence

So much of our weaponized parenting comes down to a desire to keep our children close and to keep them safe from danger. We want them to be dependent on us because we want to be in their lives. We know they can trust us, and we think that we know and want what’s best for them. That could never be true, though. Although we might have ideas on what is best for our child, they alone know what path they need to take and how they need to get there.

The job of a parent is not to be the designer of their child’s life. You should be involved but not overbearing when it comes to the world they decide to build for themselves. Nourish a sense of independence in your child. Let them stretch their legs and do things on their own as it becomes appropriate for their age and stage of development.

Whether you can face the idea or not, you will not always be around for your child. That’s why you need to supply them with the tools to fix up their own car at some point and get out of the driver’s seat yourself. Allow your child to get behind the wheel of their own decisions and be the support system that’s there for them if they go spinning out. The more independent your child can be, the better off their future (whatever it may be) will become.

5. Embrace growth as a part of your path

Being a good parent isn’t about your entire world revolving around your children for all time. Sure, at certain stages in their development they require absolutely all of us. We are still responsible for finding our happiness outside of a parenting role, though, so that we can come to our families as happy, well-adjusted individuals ourselves. We have to embrace our personal growth in order to thrive as a parent, a friend, and the head of a family.

Accept responsibility for your mistakes, admit those mistakes to your children, and strive to do right by them by being better than you were the day before. You’re responsible for making their life comfortable, not the other way around. Provide them with love, support, and candor — and do that by healing and growing from the inside out.

Boost your self-esteem. Educate yourself on what it means to be a modern parent. Look to the future. Outside of some flashy career, or financial stability — what do you want for your child? Who do you want them to be inside? All of those things must first be modeled in you. Heal your trauma. Find your inner peace. Touch base with your passions and the things that lend you personal fulfillment. Embrace growth as a part of your path as well as your child’s.

Putting it all together…

Be it intentionally or unintentionally, some can find themselves weaponizing their parenthood in a number of ways. This is when we use toxic techniques to control or modify the behavior and beliefs of our children. The problem is, though, it can teach them toxic patterns that undermine their happiness for decades to come. Rather than giving them more pain to heal from, we should seek to become better parents by improving the way we connect with ourselves and our children.

What you do as a parent right now is going to matter to your child forever. When you weaponize your relationship with them, you teach them toxic coping habits like emotional suppression, and you teach them to accept fear and abuse in their lives. Cultivate a better understanding of what it means to foster the life of a child and accept your true role as a parent. Rather than towering over your child’s life, ask — what is the most effective way to reach the person who is growing inside of this tiny package? Nourish their sense of curiosity and independence. Be their fallback, but allow them to fly in a way which is authentic to who they are. Beyond all of that continue your own growth, though. The more complete and emotionally stable you are as a person, the better you will be as a parent.