The passive-aggressive habits you need to drop for a happier life

Want to have happier, healthier relationships all around? Drop these passive-aggressive habits immediately.

by: E.B. Johnson

It’s hard to be honest and upfront in this world. Tensions run high and emotions run hot. Confronting someone who has hurt your feelings is scary, and it be an overwhelming idea to process. We have to stand up for ourselves in order to build happier, authentic lives, however. That means dropping our passive-aggressive tendencies while learning to embrace a more upfront way of living and connecting.

Stop going out of your way to sabotage or snub those who have hurt you or done you wrong. If you have a problem with someone, or you want something, you need to speak up and you need to make your needs (and boundaries) clear. The more brutally honest with yourself you are, the easier this process becomes. Confront your emotions and then use that knowledge to stand up for yourself, your needs, and a happier, more harmonious life.

Passive-aggressive behavior is never healthy.

Passive aggressive behavior — ultimately — comes down to an unwillingness or an inability to honestly communicate and confront negative emotions or thoughts. For example, your partner might say something that hurts your feelings, or disappoints you. Instead of telling them how you feel, you lie and then complain behind their back to anyone who will listen. In the long run, it does nothing to resolve the original issue, and in the short-term it can cause a lot of nasty conflict and injured feelings.

When you refuse to address (or express) the way you feel directly, you end up with even more complex emotions; as well as a cloudiness or confusion that can make it hard to see the right choices. It muddies the waters of our relationships and makes it harder for us to trust one another and be vulnerable with one another.

Passive aggressive behavior is toxic. And it drives a wedge in the places we should be close to one another. Bouts of silence and simmering, insidious resentment aren’t acceptable when it comes to building a partnership we can be proud of. By cultivating a greater understanding of this behavior, we can more accurately and honestly identify it in our lives (and our partners). Don’t avoid conflict with your partner. When we confront our feelings the happy way, it can transform our relationships.

The passive-aggressive habits you have to quit.

Do you rely on passive-aggressive behavior to get your point across? Do you struggle to speak up when you’re feeling hurt, and resort to lashing out instead? You have to drop these habits if you want to build a happier life and more equitable and stable relationships across the board.

Engaging in sabotage

Think back to the last time someone made you really angry, or they hurt you emotionally. How did you choose to respond to that event? Did you sit the other person down and talk things out? Or did you decide to take action into your own hands? The passive-aggressive person isn’t willing to sit down the people who upset them, so they often engage in sabotage instead. They go out of their way to destroy the lives, careers, and relationships of those who wrong them rather than looking for resolutions.

Failing to follow through

Whether you realize it or not, failing to follow through on your responsibilities or promises can also be a form of passive-aggressive behavior. For instance, after a fight with your spouse, you may decide to conveniently “forget” to pick up their dry cleaning, or you may “forget” to show up to that big event. It’s a subtle way to say “I’m not happy with you” without actually stepping up to the plate or taking responsibility for your emotions.

Thinly veiled insults

Thinly veiled insults are another tool the passive-aggressive person likes to rely on often to express themselves. These aren’t traditional insults, nor are they backhanded compliments. More often than not, they are cold almost-truths which are meant to express displeasure without crossing any official lines of conflict. It’s a cowardly way of expressing displeasure at having the courage to directly address issues.

Feigned procrastination

One of the most subtle ways in which we might passive-aggressively lash out at someone is through the use of feigned procrastination. Very similar to all-out sabotage, this occurs when we leave something important until the very last minute. We then feign innocence and surprise when the task goes unfinished, which then causes problems for the person we are originally trying to attack. It’s a petty, immature, and inefficient way to get to the bottom of a problem with someone.

Calculated silence

Do you weaponize your silence as a means of expressing anger or displeasure? This is commonly known as a “freeze out” or shutting down. Rather than address what’s upset you (like a mature, respectful adult) you turn your back on the other person or stop talking to them altogether. This, of course, only creates more conflict as the other person’s emotions get piqued. No resolutions can be reached, either, as conflict escalates, and you refuse to be honest.

Backhanded compliments

Backhanded compliments are yet another common passive-aggressive trait that we tend to lean into whenever we’re feeling irritated or disappointed with someone we aren’t brave enough to confront. Instead of expressing displeasure, you wait until you’re able to target the other person’s insecurities through a compliment which works more like an insult than anything else.

Creating gossip

Have you ever gone behind someone’s back when they’ve made you angry? Have you told stories about them, or revealed secrets to people that you weren’t supposed to? Creating gossip is one of the most common and most toxic forms of passive-aggression out there. It not only creates drama between you and the person who has hurt you. It also creates a lot of potential (and needless) pain to other innocent people involved through love and family ties.

How to stand up for yourself unapologetically.

You can’t afford to be passive aggressive anymore. It’s time to stand up for your needs, your boundaries, and your emotions. Rather than taking shots under the table, learn how to recognize your passive-aggressive behavior and correct it by getting to the root of your fears and back to a sense of assertiveness.

1. Recognize behavior in the moment

Are you aware of just how passive-aggressive you really are? We are often too close to the point of conflict to realize how we’re affecting ourselves. In order to get back to an even ground, we have to learn how to recognize this behavior in ourselves and learn how to spot the triggers that bring it on. There are some people and some situations which will make you feel less secure than others. All of this feeds into your tendency to be passive aggressive.

Be aware of your own anger and realize more efficient ways to communicate it and eradicate it. Know when your feelings are hurt. Embrace it, don’t be ashamed of it. We all have lines that get crossed from time to time. It’s our job to be aware of our emotions and manage them accordingly.

Look for passive-aggressive behavior any time you are faced with disappointment or rejection. Do you confront your feelings up front? When someone hurts you, do you address your emotions right then and there — or do you wait until their back is turned to retaliate? This is no way to build trust in those you care about most, and it’s no way to find resolution when you need or want something from your friends, family, or coworkers.

2. Get to the root of the fear

It is fear and subsequent insecurity which causes us (more often than not) to rely on passive-aggressive behavior to communicate our unhappiness. This fear stems from a lot of places, but it primarily comes rooted to our experiences. If you learn at a young age that it’s not safe to express yourself, that belief will carry on into your adult relationships (and can lead to passive aggressive behavior).

Once you’ve identified your passive-aggressive tendencies and triggers, take a step back to question where these behaviors come from. Why do you believe that this is the only safe way to express your emotions? What events in your past taught you to rely on such toxic communication patterns?

You need to cast a light on the fear before you can efficiently dispel it. You need to see it, accept it, and give it a name. Only by identifying our root problems can we then undo them and learn better ways in which to communicate our hurt, aggravation, and disappointment. We have a right to stick up for ourselves, but we can’t do that until we work through our insecurities and fears.

3. Communicate clearly and openly

In order for us to build healthy and stable relationships with others, we have to learn how to communicate openly and often. Unless someone has been told that there’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed, they can’t be blamed for pushing you past your limits. Boundaries have to be communicated explicitly, and they have to be laid out clearly. That takes courage, though, and knowing what to say.

Make a commitment to communicate honestly about where your limits lie with others. If you want something from them (or you expect it) then you need to speak up. If they cross the line with you or injure you in some way — you need to have enough self-respect to address it.

Communication is a two-way street. Talking to someone about a problem doesn’t have to be a confrontation. Find a time and space in which you’re both relaxed and at ease. When you’re comfortable, open up. Express how you feel, but do it calmly and while avoiding all accusatory or blaming language. Keep respect and civility at the heart of it all, and you’ll find yourselves reaching a resolution and understanding far easier.

4. Be more assertive (not aggressive)

Sometimes, we have to draw the line and become our own protector. We can do this by being assertive with those who knowingly cross the line, but it first requires that we shift our perspective. You have to understand that telling someone “no” or “enough” is not inherently an act of confrontation. It’s not wrong, and it’s not hostile. You have a right to stand up for yourself and you have a right to tell someone when they’ve gone too far with you.

Many of us have been raised to see standing up for ourselves as something which is aggressive. In some instances this belief comes from our childhood and being unable to express needs without receiving a backlash from parents who prioritized convenience over teaching you healthy communication.

In other instances, our fear of being assertive comes from past relationships, in which we learned (again) that prioritizing our own needs wasn’t safe or deserving. You have to shed these false beliefs and know that you are just as deserving of protecting your wellbeing as any partner or parent in your past. Simply be respectful and think through what you want to say. You’re not responsible for how other people choose to react.

5. Take some responsibility

Believe it or not, resolving passive-aggressive behavior requires that we start investing in some personal responsibility. We are ultimately the architects of our own lives. We decide who will take up space in them. We decide how we will allow those people to treat us. Our future is up to us, and how we decide to manage it and fill it up with people, experiences, and material satisfaction.

You have to take responsibility for your emotions and your wellbeing. No one else is going to protect you as well as you will protect yourself. It’s not the world’s responsibility to look out for your boundaries. It’s your job to tell the world how it will behave in regards to you.

Take charge of your life. Stop settling and start taking responsibility for making your life better. Commit to standing up for yourself and commit to embracing and accepting your feelings and your needs for what they are. No one else is responsible for making sure your life is happy, stable, and peaceful. Be proactive when it comes to protecting your wellbeing and you can build a future that is both fulfilling and rewarding.

Putting it all together…

Do you have a tendency to rely on passive-aggressive behavior to get your point across whenever you’re feeling hurt or disappointed? Does the idea of confrontation make you flee when it comes to standing up for your own needs? In order to build a happier life and more stable relationship, we have to let go of this tendency to take shots in the dark and start standing up for our needs and boundaries the right way.

Recognize your passive aggressive behavior in the moment and always be on the lookout for triggers, which make you react in an insecure manner. Get to the root of your fears. What makes you believe you can’t speak up for yourself or confront people who disappoint and deny you? You have a right to be assertive where your boundaries are concerned. When someone crosses the line, communicate with them clearly and openly. Reshape the way you see this assertion of boundaries and understand that standing up for yourself is not an inherently aggressive act. Take some responsibility for the way you feel and take some responsibility too for anything you get wrong in the situation. Build on this strength and emotional awareness, and you’ll be able to shed the passive-aggressive habits that are making you unhappy once and for all.