You Probably Won’t Be Highly Successful Out of College (And That’s Okay)
Learn to redefine success.
My need to succeed
I have a deeply rooted need to succeed and for others to admire me. I think I always knew this deep down, but never in so many words.
When I read the descriptions for the different types of people in the Enneagram personality quiz, I identified myself as either a type two, The Helper, or a type nine, The Peacemaker. But when I finally took the quiz in its entirety, I got type three:
“Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement,” the type three page said. “Basic fear: Of being worthless. Basic desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile.”
And the key motivations listed? “Want to be affirmed, to distinguish themselves from others, to have attention, to be admired, and to impress others.”
I joke sometimes that the Enneagram personally attacks people: It knows people more deeply than they know themselves, and it’s essentially 100 percent accurate. This holds true for my loved ones as well — it’s not just me.
I think my being a type three is largely why graduating college in a global pandemic has been so emotionally hard for me. Job hiring is frozen at many places, in which finding a job is hard and competition is higher. Rejections — or maybe even worse, the lack of a response — happen often, resulting in me feeling inadequate.
Attempting freelance writing and self-esteem
I decided to try my hand at freelance writing. Being my own boss appealed to me, and I’m a hardworking, self-motivated person. Plus, I love writing and having some freedom concerning what I write and when.
But even my successful moments didn’t feel like enough compared to the rejections.
I’ve heard video creators talk about how they read so many positive comments and feel great, but one negative comment can totally bring them down and negate all the positivity.
And I don’t think I could relate to anything more.
Despite having a relationship article get thousands of views, being published in POPSUGAR and more, I still feel hurt when a publication rejects me or doesn’t get back to me. I worry they’ll never publish my work and the economy is against me.
The role of our mindset
A large part of the problem is my mindset. I once learned about self-serving bias and how it deals with our beliefs surrounding external and internal factors. Self-serving bias can look different, depending on people’s personality and success. It can look like this:
Happy person with high self-esteem does well on a test: “I did well because I’m smart.”
Happy person with high self-esteem fails a test: “The test was too hard.”
Depressed person with low self-esteem does well on a test: “The test was easy.”
Depressed person with low self-esteem fails a test: “I failed because I’m not good enough.”
This threw me off. While I’ve definitely dealt with depression and feelings of inadequacy, I logically know I’m smart and have succeeded in many ways. But despite the appearance of my high self-esteem on good days or when I’m thinking logically, I tend to fall into the thinking patterns that depressed people with low self-esteem do.
When a publication accepts my article, I assume it’s because they accept most people’s work. When a publication rejects my article, I assume it’s because my article wasn’t good enough.
This cognitive dissonance is confusing and uncomfortable, and I’m not sure what to make of it. Am I an exception to the rule? Is my self-esteem lower than I thought, in which my emotions are taking over?
Change the way you think
I do know this: I need to redefine the way I see success.
“You just graduated college,” some of my loved ones have told me. “You’ve been freelance writing for what, three months? You’re so new to this. Don’t worry and beat yourself up now.”
I believe them, logically, but being emotionally and fully convinced can be a whole other story. What they’re saying makes sense, but when I have rejection emails staring me in the face, feeling good about myself and my success is a challenge.
The type three in me is terrified. Who am I, and am I worthy, if I’m not always succeeding on highly visible levels? And if I’m not admired for my achievements?
Positive reminders and self-talk
I’m learning to quiet the type three in me through self-talk.
“I have succeeded. I will continue to succeed. I won’t be a one-hit wonder, though even one-hit wonders have their success,” I tell myself. “I just graduated and just started this freelancing journey, so of course I’ll experience rejections. Even seasoned writers do. I’m making a name for myself, making my way, and that’s impressing in its own way. Comparing myself won’t help. What successes can I remind myself of and focus on right now?”
I also love to remember what Pastor Steven Furtick said:
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
It’s also important to remember that some of the people we see as most successful didn’t succeed 100 percent of the time.
Einstein was unemployed right after college. Steve Jobs was fired from the company he co-founded. Walt Disney’s editor told him he wasn’t creative enough. A producer told Oprah she wasn’t fit for television news.
People face these predicaments still today. According to a survey discussed in the Harvard Business Review, 65 percent of recent college graduates struggle to get their careers started.
In other words, if you’re struggling and experiencing rejection, you’re far from alone. In fact, you’re actually part of the norm, even though posts on LinkedIn may cause you to feel otherwise.
It’s okay to “fail”
You’ll likely “fail” many more times — but you’ll succeed too. Plus, failure isn’t always a bad thing — I’m thankful my unemployment brought me to freelance writing so early in my career. Failures can lead us to greater happiness and success. Don’t be afraid to pursue your dreams.
Be easy on yourself and encourage yourself, especially while we’re in the middle of a pandemic, and don’t wrap your worth in what you do. Know it’s okay to not start your major career job in your 20s. Redefine success and know it’s okay to not be highly successful, at least in the conventional ways we often hear about and emphasize.