You Can Just Say No, He Said
About the women who were attacked and killed for saying no to men—and why I won’t shut up about this.
It was just a simple question, you can just say no. If you’re so paranoid why do you even leave home?
Back story
When I wrote my essay in November, about the man who asked to skip the condom on the first date, I didn’t expect it to inspire a whole series of related articles. Further, after my best friend had a false-positive HIV test as a result of a similar scenario, both she and I took to the social network Fetlife to share our stories.
Here, our posts triggered an onslaught of comments. While most were supportive, far too many were aggressive pushbacks from men who accused us of attempting to thwart their pleasure and quash their erections. Others claimed we were simply blowing a bunch of hot air about a non-issue.
Some responses were so disturbing they left me sick to my stomach for days, making me realize I had to abandon the comment section in favor of my mental well-being.
Still, some remarks refused to leave me alone.
I’m sure you know the feeling; when you’ve been in the midst of a confrontation, but were so stunned you were rendered speechless, only to find all the right words after you had time to digest?
One comment did just that. Mr. X writes:
Holy shit did you overcomplicate a really simple request. You can just say no. If you’re saying yes because you think saying no will put you in danger, then why the hell do you leave home if you are that paranoid? He was just asking. You’re free to say no. No need to bitch about it in a book.*
(*The response has been shortened and slightly edited for the sake of clarity.)
One of his colleagues, Mr. Y, chimed in with a similar sentiment:
Geez. What a long-winded tirade. Why not just tell the guy you only practice safe sex and say goodnight to him. Enjoy your time on the soapbox!
Take a deep breath (…) and brace yourself for my delayed response.
.
.
.
If you’ve never been a woman in this world, you may not have had to second-guess your no. You probably never have had to think twice about whether your no could get you in trouble, perhaps even assaulted, or worst case, killed.
Just say no. You make it sound so easy.
I wish you were right.
When I told my date no, I didn’t fear for my life, but I did consider my physical safety. Not because the man was especially shady, but because he was a man. Yes, I know; not-all-men. Not even most. But, enough that my concern was justified.
In the future, I should probably be even more vigilant, considering that some women did not get out of similar situations with their lives.
A 42-year-old sex worker was murdered by her male customer after she insisted on him wearing a condom.
— Times of India, January 2020
In case you think to yourself that this is something that doesn’t happen in your part of the world, or perhaps, blame it on her choice of profession (shame on you), please think again.
A 29-year-old woman was shot dead in Pittsburg after rejecting a man’s advances at a bar.
This woman told a man no.
He was just asking, and, as you say, there’s no harm in that. She was free to say no. According to witnesses, she tried multiple times. The man just wasn’t having it.
Her story is far from a one-off.
A 27-year-old mother of three was shot to death in Detroit after she refused to give a man her phone number.
A male Coastguardsman killed a lesbian officer in Cape Cod and wounded her wife. Why? He was obsessed with her and she didn’t return his feelings.
A 19-year-old college student in Orlando was murdered after rejecting advances from her building maintenance worker.
I could go on (and on). If you’re curious to read more examples, the internet will give you lists-a-plenty of women who were brutally attacked, tortured, and/or killed for saying no to men.
In some instances, women don’t have to say anything in order to evoke a man’s wrath. This was the case of a 22-year-old in San Fransisco:
An 8-month pregnant woman was attacked and kicked repeatedly in the stomach for NOT saying thank you to a man who held the door for her.
In other cases, laughing at one's husband on what should have been an idyllic family holiday can get a woman killed:
Husband killed his wife onboard a luxury cruise ship because she wouldn’t stop laughing at him
This tragic story brings to mind the famous quote by Margaret Atwood, which is far from a figure of speech:
Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.
Do you still think women are paranoid for weighing our words, or even the lack thereof? Are we unreasonable for tiptoeing around men’s egos and fawning our actions and rejections in fear of your retribution?
Perhaps we are better off staying home…
A rejected suitor broke into the home of a middle-aged divorcee and shot her to death
—New York Times, December 1939
An estranged husband kills his wife and seven of her friends at the cook-out she hosted in her home after she filed for divorce.
Unfortunately, our homes have never guaranteed our safety either, rather the contrary. A 2018 report by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime agrees:
Home [is] the most dangerous place for women, with [the] majority of female homicide victims worldwide killed by partners or family.
It appears, not leaving home, does as much to prevent women from violence as not wearing short skirts protects us from getting raped. Go figure.
Worrying that saying no, or otherwise agitating men, could put me in danger doesn’t make me paranoid. It makes me pragmatic and sadly, realistic.
The article in The Asean Post, titled Femicide: Killed For Saying ‘No’, states that “globally, some 736 million women — that translates to a third of all women — have been subjected to physical or sexual violence across their lifetimes.”
If you’re asking if men get killed too, the answer is yes, but they are far more likely to get killed by other men than by women. According to the Guardian, “official figures (from the UK) show that, between 2002 and 2012, 6.1% of adults who were convicted of murder were women, leaving 93.9% men.”
The same article states that “nearly always when a woman kills a man, the woman herself has been a victim of his violence or abuse. When men kill women they tend to have been perpetrators of violence against that woman and other women for years.”
If saying no doesn’t work, if wearing the right clothes or never going out doesn’t keep us safe, what is left for us to do?
The answer is not much, and the main reason is that violence against women isn’t a women’s but a men’s issue.
Until all men, innocent or not, understand this, start taking responsibility, and stop victim-blaming women who share their stories, I will carry on with my long-winded tirades.
To Mr. X and Y, and every man of your kind, you can find me on this soapbox, wearing a mini-skirt and a crop-top should I feel like it, bitching about it until my last breath—or until the day all women, in every corner of the world, regardless of status, occupation, age, size, skin color, or sexuality, are free to say, do and wear whatever the hell they want, wherever they want.
© Ena Dahl 2022
