avatarEna Dahl

Summary

The article discusses the importance of using condoms during casual sex encounters, emphasizing the risks and ethical considerations involved in unprotected sex.

Abstract

The author addresses a man who requested to have unprotected sex on their first date, highlighting the potential risks of STIs, unwanted pregnancies, and trust issues. The article argues that casual sex without protection is irresponsible, especially when partners do not know each other's sexual history. It underscores the necessity of condoms for safeguarding health and well-being, and criticizes the entitlement and lack of empathy shown by the man for prioritizing his pleasure over mutual safety. The author also touches on societal pressures and gender dynamics that can affect a woman's ability to assert condom use and the importance of consent and respect for boundaries in sexual relationships.

Opinions

  • The author believes that the request to skip using a condom during a casual sexual encounter is a significant red flag, indicating a lack of concern for the partner's health and safety.
  • The article suggests that the man's behavior demonstrates a sense of entitlement and disregard for the potential consequences of unprotected sex, such as STIs and unwanted pregnancies.
  • It points out that mutual trust and open communication about sexual history are crucial before considering foregoing condoms.
  • The author emphasizes that unprotected sex should be a privilege reserved for trusted and reliable partners, not for casual acquaintances.
  • The article criticizes the patriarchal power dynamics that may pressure women into agreeing to sex or condomless sex against their better judgment.
  • It highlights the importance of prioritizing a partner's pleasure and comfort, rather than solely focusing on one's own satisfaction.
  • The author advocates for a mindset of safety and relaxation during sex, which can be compromised by the fear of STIs or unwanted pregnancies.
  • The piece calls for men to be more aware of the societal pressures women face regarding sex and to actively work towards dismantling these power imbalances.
  • Finally, the author hopes that by sharing her perspective, it will encourage more thoughtful and respectful behavior in sexual encounters, particularly concerning condom use.

Why Your Ask for Unprotected Casual Sex Is a Huge Red Flag

An open letter to the guy who asked to skip the condom on the first date

Dainis Graveris via Unsplash

— Do I really need to put on a condom? I just got tested a few weeks ago. — Oh, you just got tested, you say? Well then, to hell with it, let’s go at it bareback, you handsome stranger.

Wunh–wunh!

If that was the answer you expected, you were wrong. So wrong!

See, so far I’ve been lucky to steer clear of STIs—and do my very best to keep it that way. Further, I’m not especially keen on having another kid (and if I was, it would certainly not be with you since you strike me as exceptionally irresponsible right off the bat).

While the most common STIs are treatable, dealing with one is still a hassle I’d rather be without. Besides, I can’t overlook that the incurable Hs (Hep A, B, C, Herpes 2, and HIV) are still prevalent enough to be considered legitimate risks.

Abortions, while thankfully legal and readily available where we live, are another one of those things that, when given the option, I’d rather not have to go through. As much as I’m pro-choice, I recognize the emotional and psychological implications that making this decision would have—no matter how right it may be.

I have enough on my plate as it is! Therefore, while I do occasionally enjoy the casual encounter with a special someone I just met, I always insist on using protection.

In my opinion, anything else is madness. Since we’re both sexually active and dating around; since we haven’t made any kind of commitment or built the necessary trust; when we haven’t had the talk and outlined our boundaries and expectations, condoms should be implied — no questions asked! Despite not being foolproof, they’re the best protective measure out there and part of what makes this lifestyle possible, to begin with.

The fact that you have the audacity to propose skipping the condom, at gunpoint, is the one thing that immediately spoiled your chances of a second date.

It was just an innocent question, you say? I beg to differ. Instead, your proposal, along with your timing, confirms that we don’t share even the most basic values and beliefs. Let me explain further:

Your request tells me you’re neither safe nor trustworthy

I don’t yet know where you’ve been and vice versa—you never even bothered to find out before popping the question. You may say you just got tested, but how am I to know that you’re speaking the truth? And how can I be sure you didn’t catch anything in between then and now? I can’t.

Your gesture makes it fair to assume that you ask this of all of your partners and that you must have a level of success since you persist. This, again, leads me to conclude that you’re someone who has undiscerning, unsafe sex with a number of others who do the same, thus making you a high-risk person.

You’re entitled

Surely, I’ve made the mutual decision to forego condoms in the past; always in long-term monogamous relationships, but also with regular, non-exclusive partners where the agreement was to use protection with anyone else.

I have no intention of policing others or preaching a right-or-wrong way to approach safe sex. Whatever calculated risks any of us choose to take should be at our own discretion. Regardless, I do not believe that the right moment to decide on this is with our pants down.

For me, unprotected sex is a privilege reserved for trustworthy and reliable lovers, not for a casual affair who waltzes in and claims he’s safe and clean while acting everything but. Who do you think you are? I mean, really!?

You selfishly make your own pleasure paramount

Whenever it’s risk-informed and mutually consented to, I’ll gladly chime in with Yael Wolfe’s praise of bareback sex, and agree with Joe Duncan that unprotected sex just feels better. It’s not just those with penises who prefer the sensation of unsheathed intercourse, most people with vaginas agree too!

But, while few things beat the delicious, velvety, warm sensation of flesh-on-flesh contact, there is one thing that does; feeling relaxed and safe during sex.

In this Huffington Post article, discussing the key to female orgasm, experts confirm the brain as the largest sex organ and emphasize the importance of a calm mindset for women to experience arousal and pleasure. With anxiety and fear of diseases or unwanted pregnancies nagging at the back of our heads, these states are elusive.

It’s hard to find an exact measure of how much sensation is lost with a condom since this is highly subjective, but what I generally hear from men is that it’s a few notches better without, and that sex with a condom is about an eight out of ten.

The infamous orgasm gap — the reality that women only orgasm 65% of the time during heterosexual sex, compared to 95% for men — gets even wider when it comes to casual sex. Here, only about 40% of women reach climax, as opposed to 80% of men. (Source).

If dudes like you spent a bit less time worrying about the optimal conditions for your dicks and a tad more on how to make your partner feel good, we’d make strides towards narrowing that gap.

Yet, here you are, with the nerve to ask for a full ten-outta-ten on the pleasure scale at the cost of mine. The fact that you’re willing to risk, not only your own, but my health and safety, and those of your other partners, for slightly more pleasure for you, says all I need to know about you.

You’re either blind to or deliberately using your implied male dominance and privilege to your advantage

In this piece about why it’s hard for women to speak up about condom use author Kayla Kibbe writes:

The idea that women would or even could consent to condomless sex when they don’t really want to is understandably perplexing, until you remember that women consent to things they don’t want to do all the time — including sex itself.

Women constantly experience a ton of pressure around sex as we navigate the fine line between not giving it up too easily and not being a prude, and making sure we’re not asking for it unless we plan to follow through, etc…

In her essay Bad Sex, Ella Dawson talks about how women say yes to sex they don’t want because we’re conditioned to feel guilty if we change our minds:

You’ve already made it back to his place, or you’re already on the bed, or you’ve already taken off your clothes, or you’ve already said yes. Do you really want to have an awkward conversation about why you want to stop? What if it hurts his feelings?(…)

The hard truth is that we teach young women and girls to not make a scene, even when there’s no one else in the room. Don’t be difficult, don’t be selfish, don’t be inconvenient, don’t be rude. Your discomfort is less important than his comfort. Your feelings are less valid, less valuable than his feelings.

Though both of the above-quoted articles seem to be of the opinion that “it’s probably not your fault, assuming you aren’t actively trying to pressure or coerce a partner,” I’m inclined to disagree.

Instead, I’m convinced that whether or not you’re consciously aware of the patriarchal power dynamics of our culture where men’s pleasure and sexual satisfaction are valued at the cost of women’s—you’re either thoughtlessly or deliberately using it for your own gain. Regardless of which it is, I’m doubtless that you’re attuned to your advantages, which become amplified in these moments when I’m at my most vulnerable; naked and exposed with you hovering over me.

Still, I didn’t give in, and I said, no! And don’t underestimate for a minute the tenacity it takes to reinforce boundaries in such a predicament. The fact that you took me there is the main reason why we won’t be seeing each other again.

I could keep going…

In general, your actions that evening makes me doubt your integrity, your respect for yourself and others, perhaps even your common sense, and certainly your trustworthiness.

After this, how could I trust that you’d respect my other boundaries—that you won’t be looking for ways to slip one past the line whenever you see a chance?

How can I trust that you respect women in general, that you care about my pleasure, that you’re aware of your privilege, that you understand consent?

It was eye-opening to me how this one simple question, dropped at such a crucial moment, revealed to me that you possess none of the most important qualities and values I look for in a person.

The most redeeming quality you showed me was that when I told you this, after the fact, you apologized and asked if you could make it up to me. While I’m afraid this ship has sailed, I hope that, if anything, my honesty made you think, and perhaps you see that there’s a lot more hidden behind your innocent question than you may have thought.

© Ena Dahl 2021

Sexuality
Essay
Women
Sexual Health
Pleasure
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