Men, Are You Really More Afraid of a Failed Performance than of STIs?

Questions and concerns brought up by my best friend’s reactive HIV test

There are a few phone calls you hope to never receive. Your best friend calling to tell you their HIV test came back positive is one of them.

—Whaaaat? No! That can’t be possible.

The news made my heart sink deep into my stomach to form the center of a giant knot. Shit! How was I supposed to comfort her?

Sure, now there are meds allowing you to live a long and happy life with the virus, but to my friend, Talia—a divorced, single, sexually active woman in her thirties, involved in the BDSM scene, and with a long-distance lover she’s been counting down the minutes to see again—an HIV diagnosis was just short of a death sentence. I knew very well that whatever agony I experienced in sympathy was merely a vague reflection of the despair she felt.

There was little left for me to say but I love you, and I’m here for you!

To provide some background, my friend had hooked up with someone she met on a kink site. Serendipitously similar to my own story of the guy who tried to weasel his way out of condom use because “it doesn’t feel as good for him”, Talia’s date had waved the same red flags, including the last minute request to skip protection because “it makes him go soft”.

While I had gotten away unscathed, she was less fortunate. I realized how easily it could have been me on the other side of that phone call.

Despite having made sure he put one on, his ejaculate somehow ended up inside her. Exactly how remains a mystery, but the obvious red lights he flashed throughout their encounter did little to assuage the suspicion that this was indeed no accident.

Traumatized, fearful, and equally infuriated, Talia went to get tested. Since her one-night stand had been with a straight man of northern European descent, the doctor argued that PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) was gratuitous. Instead, she was scheduled for a routine blood sample in six weeks—just to rule out the off-chance…

Most of our friends, myself included, were of the opinion that Talia was excessively cautious as she hunkered down and swore off all dating for near two months while awaiting her results. I mean, what were the odds?

I had figured close to zero, therefore, by the time I received the detrimental phone call, I’d nearly forgotten about the ordeal. But alas, here she was with reactive test results for HIV—and Syphilis.

I wasn’t familiar with the procedure but learned that when an initial HIV test comes back positive or inconclusive, you’ll be called back for a NAT (nucleic acid test) which looks for the actual virus in the blood. Because NATs are expensive, routine screenings tend to be antibody detection tests, which have a higher probability of false positives. This can be due to anything from technical errors in the lab to hormonal changes in the patient, or a reaction to other types of antibodies or infections in the blood.

Cross-reactivity between COVID and HIV

Desperate for any straw of hope to hold onto as we awaited Talia’s second round of results, we went online. Our research revealed instances of cross-reactivity between SARS-CoV-2 and HIV chemiluminescent, meaning some of those infected with COVID-19 and others who were recently vaccinated have produced false-positive results in HIV antibody tests. A vaccine intended for the Australian market was pulled for this exact reason. Additionally, the FDA reports the same relationship in cases of Syphilis tests.

Talia’s first antibody screening had occurred only a few days after her last COVID vaccination. This was our straw!

After five days in waiting-purgatory—through which a few of Talia’s close friends and I remained on pins and needles, doing what we could to support and keep her mood up—her results came back. From one of the worst phone calls of my life, I received what was likely the best:

The tests came back negative—on both accounts!

The joy! The relief! The tear-filled laughter! I danced in pure ecstasy for my friend as I heard the sound of life returning to her voice.

And then came the lessons…

Thrilled to share the news, yet anxious to warn others against making similar mistakes, Talia took to the online kink network Fetlife to post her story. I chimed in with my own, and together we stirred quite the discussion and conjured some two-hundred responses.

Perhaps naively, I’d expected nothing but congratulatory messages and sympathy for Talia. I was therefore taken aback by what emerged from the woodworks; hordes of men came to the unwavering support of the suspected condom sabotager, all with similar words:

But it IS true, they DO (sometimes) make us soft. And they really DO feel less good. Why, oh why, do you want to rob us of our god-given right to pleasure?

To be fair, no one actually said the last sentence out loud, but that’s what could be read between the lines: How dare you compromise my pleasure for your comfort?

Some of the comments reeked of so much entitlement and content, you might have thought we had advocated for castration—not a delicate and potentially life-saving layer of latex.

How to better support each other through performance anxiety-induced ED will be the topic of an upcoming article, and frankly, anyone’s slightly lacking performance or sensitivity is not the issue here.

The topic I want to stress is that sexually transmittable diseases, including HIV, can happen to anyone. And if we’re truly more scared of a somewhat less satisfying sexual experience than of that, it’s due time for a reality check.

There are too many myths, misinformation, and stigma around HIV that must be dispelled. Sadly, many of these are perpetrated by healthcare professionals.

HIV is NOT a gay disease

Have you slept with any bisexual men since your last check-up? This is the first question you’re asked as a woman visiting a sexual health clinic, while men are simply asked if they sleep with other men. If your answer is yes, you’ll definitely get a free HIV test.

While I understand that government-subsidized clinics are forced to pre-screen to keep costs down, this tells us, again and again, that we’re safe(er) having unprotected sex with straight people, thus maintaining harmful stereotypes and stigmatization of gay and bisexual men.

While HIV rates have historically been higher in the LGBTQI community, this gap is beginning to even out. A recent article in the Guardian reports that the percentage of new infections in England is now higher among straight people than for gay and bi men.

HIV does not discriminate based on race

The second question that will score you a free blood test at the clinic is whether you’ve slept with anyone from Africa, Asia, South America, the Middle East, the Balkans, etc. (In turn, every street smart, health-conscious ethical slut will know to answer yes to either of the two questions, even if it’s not the case.)

This again provides a false sense of safety for white, straight folks and contributes to further stigmatization.

While HIV and AIDS are more widespread in some of these areas, it’s crucial to keep in mind that this has nothing to do with race and everything to do with socioeconomic conditions and a subsequent lack of access to proper prevention, sex-ed, and healthcare.

No STI cares about the color of your skin. On the other hand, when you happen to be privileged enough to have access to both the information and resources; use them!

Yes, it can happen to you too!

A Cosmopolitan article (from 2019) discussing the steady decline in condom use, reports that the US has consistently broken its own STI records for the past four years. In a quoted survey, sixty percent of respondents admitted to rarely using condoms, and shockingly “a full fifty percent said they’ve never — ever — rolled one on.”

Why? The number one reason listed was the simple belief that it won’t happen to them.

Guess what? It can and it will, especially with this attitude!

STIs don’t give a damn what you look like or how much you like someone

As discussed in a piece about the so-called sexual halo effect, STIs don’t discriminate based on appearances whatsoever. We have a tendency to think people we’re attracted to are less likely to carry diseases and we often draw the same, perhaps subconscious, conclusions about those we know well or for a long time.

Though it makes sense that we feel safer, both physically and emotionally, with someone we know and like, I probably don’t have to explain why this fallacy, when left unchecked, can lead to severely flawed decision-making with regards to sexual health.

Not 100 percent safe is better than not safe at all

Talia’s and I both received comments arguing that condoms are not 100 percent safe anyway and that some STIs transmit in other ways, such as through skin contact. This is indeed true, and the problem is that if we’re having sex in the first place, nothing is.

This argument is frighteningly reminiscent of those coming from the anti-vax and anti-mask movements, giving me yet another reason to believe that they’re all part of the same club.

It’s possible to drown with a swim vest too, but we’re still going to put one on our toddler before we take them sailing. This requires no further explanation and I can’t believe we’re still discussing this (with grown adults).

Thankfully, Talia’s story ended happily—and on top, it offered plenty of life lessons. While I won’t say I’ve been ignorant in my approach to safe sex, I have been guilty of some level of it-won’t-happen-to-me-attitude—especially in relation to HIV. Having something that previously felt foreign brought so close to home, truly changed my perspective.

I’m thankful to Talia that she opened up and allowed me to be there during this time, and her own words make the best conclusion:

The time between tests was horrible: Imagining how my life would change, my love life more limited, the stigma, taking meds for the rest of my life. All because of one night.

A few close friends made sure I don’t have to go through this alone, reminding me that even with a potential diagnosis life will go on and they will still love me.

This experience made me want to stay away from dating and sex altogether. I’m so shocked that I just want to surround myself with good energies and loving friends.

Stay safe, people, get tested regularly, and listen to your guts whenever something doesn’t feel right.

And, I’m begging you — whenever you hear this sentence [condoms make my dick soft], especially on a first date, RUN! No matter how hot the person is, no matter how horny you are, no matter how far you’ve already gone, RUN! A mature and aware person will never try to manipulate you out of using condoms. To men who say it, please educate yourself about safer sex or practice abstinence. News flash: There are more important things than your dicks.

On a very positive note, the third person ever was just cured of HIV using a novel treatment involving umbilical cord blood treatment. Science has made strides since HIV was first recognized in 1959, but until treatments like these are widespread (and we’ve found ways to successfully combat and cure every known STI) let’s buckle up, stay safe and respect each other’s comfort levels.

© Ena Dahl 2021