EDUCATION, SOCIAL INJUSTICE, ENTERTAINMENT
Yale University Hires Jailed Nigerian Scammer as Financial Advisor
Catch Me If You Can
Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused. Yale University School of Medicine decided to be both.
A medical school prestigious in name only shocked everyone when they hired Ramon Abbas as their financial advisor. The Dean, Nancy J. Brown, took to Twitter to announce this decision.
“We at Yale University School of Medicine originally hired Jamie Petron to handle funds to buy medical equipment and electronics to students. She instead kept the equipment for herself to resell at a higher value. We are embarrassed that a faculty member with no Ivy league education scammed us.
“Petron stole $40 million from us in the 9 years she worked here. Petron’s theft was so impressive that Stephen Spielberg signed on to direct her life story with Leonardo DiCaprio in the lead role. Why does Spielberg hire a male to play a female? Doesn’t he know that females are cheaper?
“Yale students were furious that we used their annual tuition costs of $64,864 to fund Petron’s Lamborghini fleet. They demanded that we lower their tuition until we come up with a better financial plan to use their money. Why should we take responsibility for making poor financial choices? Student loan companies take no responsibility for handing out loans to 18+ year-olds to attend our school!
“The entitled millennials wouldn’t listen to logic. I tried to appease them by recording myself dancing to R.E.M’s Losing My Religion. This may be silly, but hear me out! I can’t give these students back their money, but I understand their frustration. I chose this song to dance to because it’s about losing patience, feeling frustration, or anger at circumstances that are out of our control. I did not plan to lose $40 million under my nose, and I hope these broke students can relate to my struggles as a rich dean.
“Somehow, my students wanted me to fix the problem instead of dancing their troubles away. As a compromise, I hired a distinguished financial advisor from Nigeria: Mr. Ramon Abbas. The man known as Hushpuppi escaped poverty through managing real estate. Even though he spends most of his day posting on Instagram about his designer brand clothing, Birkin bags, Rolexes, and exotic cars. How does one have the time to balance a real estate and a social media influencer career?
“Hushpuppi doesn’t give out real estate advice, but instead flaunts his wealth. Since this dude is rich, popular, and materialistic, he would be perfect to spend Yale’s money wisely!”
We were shocked that Yale School of Medicine once again failed to do a background check on their financial advisor. Hushpuppi was jailed for laundering money from business email compromise frauds and other scams. He is the Nigerian Prince our innocent 80-year-old grandparents told us about.
We reached out to Brown to warn her. Brown smiled.
“Or course! Hushpuppi scammed $40 million out of all his victims. That’s how much money we lost to Petron! Hushpuppi can recoup our losses through scamming other victims!”
We asked Brown if it‘s wise to trust a thief. Hushpuppi is immoral enough to steal money from the Medical School’s budget. Brown shook her head.
“I’ve seen Hushpuppi’s posts. Despite his extravagant lifestyle, Hushpuppi always gives thanks to the Lord in all his posts. He is an honest man of God. He won’t steal from us.”
We reached out to Hushpuppi for comment. The Nigerian got down on his knees and sobbed.
“God is great! God bless my hustle…my dreams will come true…I’ll keep chasing them.”
Hushpuppi rambled.
“My followers are aware of my struggles…my journey. I have been called many names. People called me Hushpuppi because they said all I was ever good for was being fried and served as cornmeal to the dogs.
“Now, I wear that name with a badge of honor! The runaway slaves used hushpuppies to quiet the dogs, but free men used Hushpuppi’s advice to scam victims! These are the slave retributions we black men deserved.
“I have been dragged multiple times but I didn’t let none of that distract me from staying focused and staying on the right path of success...I am more focused now to stay successful than I was to becoming successful. Hope to see y’all at the top!
“All you haters. Keep that same energy when you look at my Benjamins.”
Hushpuppi then pulled out his wallet to flaunt his wealth. Nothing but copper pennies fell out.
Flustered, Hushpuppi then printed a $100 bill, stuck it on his right buttock, turned around, and walked away.
Prison inmates were shocked after seeing how much they now had to pay to fornicate with the scammer.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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