POLITICS
Marjorie Taylor Greene Shuts Down Government After House Blocks Her Impeachment of Santa Claus
The Greene Grinch who stole Christmas
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There’s a benefit to Republican Kevin McCarthy getting ousted as Speaker of the House. He no longer has to deal with GOP colleague Marjorie Taylor Greene.
The Neanderthal in Botox has done everything possible to stall Republican Speaker Mike Johnson. In the midst of avoiding a government shutdown and refining the budget, Johnson was interrupted by Greene demanding he shift his focus to Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, President Joe Biden, and Santa Claus.
Greene began her speech.
“Look Johnson, I know you’re new to the job. So, I’ll cut you some slack.
“You should know that I will always be a Georgia gal. Not only was I born in Georgia, but I also love peaches! Peach pie. Peach cobbler. Impeachment.
“So you should get used to my impeachment requests. Furthermore, I’m the only one who puts America’s interests at heart. My Republican colleagues are too cowardly to speak up. Ergo, you will listen to what I have to say.
“First, impeach Migrant Mayorkas. He’s been too lax on border security. A car of smuggled migrants crossed the border and killed two of my voters. Who else is left to vote for me now?
“Second, impeach Sleepy Joe. He wasted taxpayer dollars on the COVID vaccines and military aid for Ukraine. This is illegal under the Constitution! I know he did nothing wrong, but it doesn’t matter what the Constitution says. I call myself a Christian, even though I never read the Bible once! Reading is hard as heck!
“Third, impeach Santa Claus. This man has gotten away with crimes against humanity for a century!
“Johnson, you will honor my requests. Or I will shut down the government!”
Johnson stared at Greene quizzically.
“The House already blocked your impeachment requests for Mayorkas and Biden. I get your theatrical performance impresses your brain-dead voters, but we actually need to focus on the shutdown at hand — ”
Greene shrieked.
“I’m OUTRAGED. I can assure you that Republican voters will be extremely angry that you all conspired against me!”
Johnson replied.
“No one conspired against you. You failed to get people to back you.
“No one took you seriously since you wanted to impeach people who didn’t break the law. Or imaginary characters, like Santa.”
Greene screamed.
“How could you say Santa Claus isn’t real? HE EXISTS! I’ve gotten gift-wrapped presents on Christmas morning. The plate of cookies I left out at night are gone. You can’t explain that! Just like my ex-husband can’t explain the cookie crumbs left in his fake white beard.
“Your ignorance of the spirit of Christmas is why you let Santa Claus get away with his atrocities! I am DISGUSTED that YOU won’t hold him accountable!
“WE ELECTED YOU TO DO YOUR JOB! And YOUR job is to push ANY impeachment request WE want! Your job isn’t to make the world better. YOUR job is to NEVER work with the liberals!”
Johnson raised his eyebrow.
“I’m going to regret saying this. But what on the flat earth are you talking about?”
Greene smirked.
“You’re a dumb bitch, aren’t you. Society thinks Santa is a perfect judge of humans. In reality, he is as immoral as Vladimir Putin. The tyrant who gender transitioned into a mother.
“Santa thinks my cursing and my divorce puts me on the naughty list! That’s big talk from a man who owns hookers. That’s why he’s always chanting ‘ho ho ho’!
“Why is Santa’s beard so long? Is he part of al-Qaeda? Does Santa support terrorism? I vow to kill him to end Islamophobia.
“Why does Santa employ only midgets? Does he discriminate against tall people? Does Santa kill tall people because he’s insecure about his height? That’s a height genocide!
“Finally, why does Santa give gifts to all children around the world? That is SOCIALISM! Santa is UNAMERICAN! He is liberal scum!”
Greene ripped off her mink coat and ranted.
“How is it we have a national holiday worshiping this dictator, but we don’t have a holiday worshiping our lord and savior Donald Trump? Trump did FAR more for the children than Santa ever did! He at least gave them jobs in his Chinese sweatshop factories!
“Trump taught them the value of hard work. Santa taught them how to be lazy and expect everything to be handed to them.”
Greene shook her head.
“How could we not see this coming? Santa is a socialist demon preying on children and enticing them with free gifts! That’s what pedophiles do!
“Here’s my proof that Santa committed crimes. If you rearrange the letters of Santa, you get Satan!”
Greene raised her palm into a Nazi salute.
“IMPEACH SANTA! TAKE DOWN THIS MONSTER ONCE AND FOR ALL!”
Johnson facepalmed and muttered.
“It’s people like Greene that make me reconsider my stance on abortion.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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