This is why you’re struggling to find love
Feel like you’re going round-and-round in circles? This is could be why you’re struggling to find love.
by: E.B. Johnson
As humans, we always seem to be seeking connection with those outside ourselves. We love to meet new people and we love to form relationships outside of ourselves. Primary among these is our romantic partnerships, which provides an extra special layer of support and validation that can be transformative. Still, many of us struggle to maintain these relationships, or gleam happiness from them. Why? Why do so many of us find ourselves lost in pursuit of love?
The answer — as you might expect — isn’t always as straightforward as we’d like it to be. There are a number of reasons we have a hard time making the connections that matter, or the connections that last. While each differs from case to case, getting to the bottom of our struggle requires a major commitment to transforming ourselves. We have to reshape the way we see love and relationships, but we also have to reshape the way we ourselves. If you’re struggling to find love, don’t struggle forever. Increase your understanding to unlock the door to your authentic happiness.
Love is a many splendored thing.
Love is a massively complex idea, and it comes with a lot of different definitions to different people. Some of us find love in the family unit. Some of us find it through casual dating, or even our friendships. We all find love in different ways, but many of us find that we spend our lives in pursuit of an obscure and archaic definition of romantic love. Chasing partners and falling in and out of heartbreak, we fail to make genuine connections.
That’s where the struggle comes in. When we fail to define love correctly, it redefines us. It forces us into relationships that don’t fit, and conflicts we can’t fix. When we act without knowledge of self, we find ourselves in messes that have no easy answers. We have to reshape the way we define love if we want to stop losing ourselves in the pursuit of it.
Stop struggling to find love. Stop chasing partner who don’t want you, and the praise strangers who can’t appreciate you for who you truly are. You have to love yourself so that you know the true depth of your love for others. This only happens, though, when we face up to those uncomfortable parts of our pasts (or self) that tells us to stay small and unhappy. You can build better partnerships and you can find love today. Start by identifying your chase and committing to falling in love with you.
Why you’re struggling to find true love.
Have you fallen into the frantic search for love that never seems to manifest? It’s time to start shedding the fear and the hangups that are holding you back and keeping you down. Begin that journey by looking for these habits, patterns, and behaviors that are keeping true love just outside your reach.
Skewed perceptions
Before reading any further and take 10 seconds to write out your definition of love. You can type it on your phone, or write it in your journal. Do it fast and do it without thinking too much. Write down everything love and romantic partnerships means to you. What does it say? When we build up bent or superficial definitions of love in our minds — or when we don’t take enough time to consider what it really means to us — we can find ourselves chasing a dream we never seem to catch.
Frozen by fear
Our fear can freeze us in our tracks and force us to self-sabotage when it comes to love and partnerships. If you are someone with a long history of traumatic relationships, or if your first definitions of love were formed in a dysfunctional or broken home — you might find yourself struggling to connect and deep and meaningful ways. This is because your past experiences have taught you that love isn’t safe, and that trusting isn’t safe to do either.
Seeking the unavailable
Yet another reason we often find ourselves struggling to fall in love or maintain it is our tendency to seek the unavailable. Sometimes, this is a form of self-sabotage. We’re so scared of love, or so low on ourselves, that we pursue people we know will never really open up to us, or create anything real. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who pursue unavailable partners as a means of proving something, or as an attempt to overcome past trauma.
Low self-worth
Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are two of the biggest poisons in our lives. When we don’t think we are deserving or “good enough” it pushes us into poor decision making and settling for things that we don’t want. By increasing our self-esteem (and our sense of self) we can unlock the ability to better choose partners who align with our values and our goals. Never underestimate the power of low self-worth when it comes to the stumbling blocks your relationships face.
Shutting down and out
Are you someone who shuts down when things get tough? Do you shut people out, or put up mile-high walls that make it impossible for anyone to get close to you? This pushes true love away too and makes it impossible for anyone to connect with you meaningfully. Likewise, if you’re not putting yourself out there out of fear (both real and imagined) — it’s impossible to find the person you’re supposed to fill your life with. Good things don’t happen by accident and wishes. They happen as a result of intentioned action.
Chasing perfection
You might have a very specific picture when it comes to the “perfect relationship” but you’d be wrong if you thought every inch of that vision was destined to come true. The pictures we build of our ideal relationships are guides — not lawbooks. If we spend our lives pursuing what we think the “perfect” relationship is, we will spend our lives miserable and constantly feeling like we (and everyone else around us) just doesn’t quite stack up.
Settling for less than deserved
More often than we like to believe, our tragic and loveless relationships result from our decision to settle for someone who was less than we deserved. While the “perfect” person might not exist, the person who will respect all your needs and boundaries does. The longer you settle, the more love will evade you. Newsflash: you deserve the things you both naturally need, and the things you generally want. There is no shame in having expectations or wanting certain standards from your life and relationships.
Superficial addictions
Our superficial addictions can go a long way in interfering with our romantic partnerships and undermining the things that they can offer us (ie love). For example, if your entire world revolves around social media you might find that this gets in between the partnership and connections you’re trying to build with your partner. At the same time, putting your reputation above your relationships — or seeing them as accessories to increase your social standing — will also prevent true love and connection from taking root.
Bad attitudes
Your own bad attitude about life, love and partnerships might be the final hurdle that’s preventing true and lasting love. If you’re selfish, stuck-up, or otherwise insufferable and impossible to deal with, people can’t get close to you…and they won’t want to. Along these same lines, you might even find that your behavior slips into the abusive realm (both physical and mental) — making it impossible for anyone to love you, no matter how you think you feel about them.
How to reshape the way you see love and connection.
In order to get past these bad habits, you have to redefine how you see yourself within a relationship, and outside of one too. The following techniques allow you to reshape the way you see a connection with others, by building first upon the loving relationship you have with self. Start small and work your way up. Big changes happen with small, simple steps.
1. Fall in love with yourself
If you truly want to reshape the way you see love and connection with intimate partners, you need to change the way you see it within yourself. We learn by doing things, and this includes love. The greater your love of self becomes, the greater your capability to love others becomes. It’s a self-feeding circle and one that has the power to transform our lives. Before that can happen, however, we have to turn our vision inward and fall in love with us.
Let go of that compulsive need to find love in other people and start looking for it in yourself. This is a process that can start small. Wake up and spend a few minutes in the mirror each day admiring physical aspects of self that you like. If you can’t find any, make whatever easy, superficial changes that make you feel confident and more alive in your skin.
Next, move on to the mental and emotional. Spend a few minutes each night writing down your strengths and / or difficult moments you handled really well. Look back at these occasions regularly and start recognizing how strong you truly are on the inside. Build these practices up each day. When these become silly, get used to looking in the mirror and talking to yourself like you would a new love interest. Compliment your beauty, your poise. Fall in love with who you are on thee inside and the outside. Others will follow suit.
2. Be accountable for your own happiness
In order to truly shift the way we see and understand love within our lives, we have to learn how to be accountable for that deep longing for love we feel deep down inside. Rather than looking for others to fill this longing, we have to come up with ways to resolve it ourselves. A great way to begin this process is by pursuing and becoming accountable for our own happiness and healing.
Stop looking for other people to make you feel like you belong. Create that sense of belonging for yourself by getting engaged and going after your dreams. Pursue your passions, chase your joy. Go after those things which make your heart sing, or your life seem full.
We are all suffering in our own ways. Romantic relationships aren’t about finding people to alleviate that suffering for us. They are about finding a partner who can see us and accompany us on the journey. Carry your own burden. Resolve your own pain. Find your path to true happiness, get on it — and you’ll (more than likely) find the person you’ve always been searching for on the way. Stay on the wrong path to joy? You’re likely to find the wrong people.
3. Set some clear boundaries
Boundaries are so crucial when it comes to our romantic relationships. They help us to set our expectations and to keep intentions clear. More than that, they create an air of mutual respect that makes trust and communication easier. When we fail to set those boundaries, however, we can find ourselves struggling to maintain equity in our relationships. And we can also find ourselves at the mercy of those who don’t have our best intentions at heart.
Set some clear boundaries, but only after spending some time thinking about what you really need in order to feel safe and secure in your partnerships. How do you want to be treated? What kind of behaviors constitute absolute deal breakers to you?
Be brutally honest with yourself — and anyone you decide to build a life with. Don’t wait to ease into the waters. Let them know up front what means the most to you and make it clear what the consequences are for straying into the “off-limits” areas. Base these boundaries on (mutual) respect and don’t look at them as a means to control. Instead, see them as a means to protect what’s most sacred to you, and a means of making that process easier for your partner.
4. Reset your validations
Many of us get lost in the pursuit of romantic love because we see that as some sort of validation. We base our entire identities around the idea of finding a “forever” partner, but this idea only leads to heartbreak and a complete loss of self. While romantic relationships can certainly offer us support, and love, and comfort — they cannot (alone) provide us with worth. We alone have the power to make ourselves worthy or worthless.
Reset your validations. Stop looking outwardly for approval you should only be seeking inwardly. No one outside of your body (and your mind) can understand the full reality of where you’ve come from and who you are right now. You are the one with the full story and the inside scoop. Only you can make the final call on value.
Misery is often a sign that we’re living in pursuit of things that aren’t meant for us. Relationships foiled by tragic endings again and again most-often indicate a need to seek a new direction. Don’t ask someone with no background to price something they’ve never seen before. Base your internal value on your own experiences, and your understanding of the challenges and hardships you’ve overcome. Validation comes from within; not without.
5. Be okay on your own
Before you can be truly okay and confident with someone else, you need to be truly okay and confident on your own. Running into the arms of someone else — before you know your own strength — will leave you mismatched, disjointed and disillusioned. Stop giving away all your power before you even know its depth. Stand strong on your own two feet before involving anyone else in your journey.
Build your self-esteem up and learn how to stretch the legs on your true ability. Get involved in life and put yourself out there again. Learn through both trial and error that you are strong enough to overcome any obstacle that life throws at you on your own.
Be okay on your own. Before you go looking for anyone to compliment your life, fill it with beauty and strengthen yourself. Go after your passions. Build up a life; a career. Do everything that you want to do and really test out your wings before joining in flight with someone else. Then you can come to one another fully realized and really to confront the obstacles of this world, confident in yourselves and each other.
Putting it all together…
So many of spend our entire lives in the pursuit of love, but we never quite find it. If you are someone who is struggling to find love, there could be a number of surprising reasons behind it. The sooner you address these causes, the sooner you can start getting real about reshaping the way you define love and romantic relationships in your life.
Fall in love with yourself and let the right people come to you only when you’re comfortable in your own skin and ready to shine with someone else. Don’t wait for a stranger to validate the truths you already know. You are beautiful and you are impossibly strong. Take responsibility for your own happiness and stop seeing love as a chance to make someone else your emotional pack-mule. We alone can see the extent of our worth. We alone can make our lives happy ones or miserable ones. Do what you need to do, but set clear boundaries with yourself and others. Reset your validations and know that there is no one on this planet who is ever going to be able to see the full extent of your journey to overcome the pain. That’s okay. There’s enough love inside of you for you. Let that love loose and find within it the power to be okay on your own.
