Dealing with confidence issues
Don’t let confidence issues hold you back from the things you want in life.
by: E.B. Johnson
Self-confidence is key when it comes to creating the life we want, but it can be hard to maintain a high sense of self-esteem in this modern and chaotic world. Our self-confidence can determine everything from the type of careers we go after to the sort of relationships we find ourselves in. It’s an important factor in living, but a nuanced factor to manage.
Building or re-building our confidence takes time and it takes a lot of commitment. Above all that, however, it takes courage and the understanding that you alone are responsible for the quality of life you live. Only by really digging into your insecurities can you get to the root of what’s making you feel bad about yourself, and find the courage you need to create a world you want to live in. By getting to know what confidence issues look like, and understanding how those issues manifest in you, it’s possible to get back to who you are at your core and back to that authentic happiness you’ve been seeking all along.
What a confidence issue looks like.
Though we sometimes see it as a more superficial issues, lack of confidence is a serious emotional problem. Our self-esteem is the opinion that we hold of ourselves, and that opinion can determine everything from the decisions we make to the types of relationships and careers we find ourselves in. It’s key to who we are, but understanding our self-confidence takes a lot of self-reflection and honest and faithful digging.
Our confidence issues can be rooted in a number of places and impact us in a number of different ways. It can cause us to hate ourselves and even lead to a shift in internal dialogue; one which leaves us destroyed and unhappy. Confidence issues leave us obsessed with an idea of perfection that we can never achieve and undermines our overall wellbeing by preventing us from striving for the good things we truly deserve in life.
Where do confidence issues come from?
Dents in our confidence can come from a number of sources and affect us in a number of ways. Whether we suffer from difficult childhood stories, or we suffered some sort of academic trauma that makes it hard for us to branch out and try new things — the first step in learning how to manage your confidence issues is understanding the sources of those insecurities.
Critical or abusive caretakers
When we grow up with critical or abusive caretakers, it can result in an overwhelming inner critic as well as a host of confidence issues that can follow you throughout your life. Our caretakers are the first reflections by which we form our opinions of ourselves, and these are reflections that are fundamental in nature.
Bullying
Being bullied — whether it occurs at the hands of family or peers — can result in extremely low levels of self-esteem, and confidence issues that ultimately undermine our longterm happiness. Bullying isn’t just a one-time experience. It’s a traumatic memory and stressor that imprints itself on our psyche in a number of scarring ways.
Academic trauma
Academic trauma occurs when you are embarrassed, humiliated or otherwise subjective to extremely negative situations that impact your emotions and memories. This can occur when you are humiliated or physically abused by a teacher or caretaker, and it can also occur when embarrassed or otherwised abused by peers.
Societal beliefs and pressures
The belief systems followed by the societies in which we live are important, and they can exert a number of unique pressures that eat away at our self-esteem and confidence over time. Some of these beliefs might be gender based, or sin-and-redemption based; mainly meant to keep its believers subjugated and in-line with power structures.
Trauma and abuse
Trauma and abuse is one of the most common causes of confidence issues, and one of the most common and toxic forms of poison when it comes to our self-esteem. When we experience trauma and abuse, we often internalize it, destroying our sense of self, and destroying our sense of the strength we hold within. Over the years, this internalization turns in to compacted beliefs that continue to eat away at who we are and how we view ourselves, until our confidence is entirely destroyed.
Signs your confidence is holding you back.
If you’re suffering from a dip in confidence, there could be a number of telling signs that you’re holding yourself back. Low self-esteem can lead to anything from a loss of inner guide to full-on giving up before even getting started. Confidence is key in defining life on our own terms, but that confidence and it takes being brave enough to call the signs as we see them.
Losing your inner guide
Listening more to the opinions of others, rather than your own inner guide is a sign that your self-confidence is holding you back. When you doubt your abilities, strengths or emotional fortitude, you often give way to what others want, believing them (falsely) to be superior to your own desires. This can lead to serious trouble, and a serious erosion of happiness over time as you lose touch with the things that bring you true joy.
Too scared to take a stand
Ever found yourself unable to make personal or professional moves that could improve your life, because you’re too terrified you’ll fail, or you’re too terrified you won’t have the skills you need? This is a concrete sign that you don’t believe in yourself and it’s also a sign that your don’t believe in your ability to stand up for the things that really matter to you. If you’re too scared to take a stand, it could block you from some truly incredible opportunities.
Give up before beginning
Those who give up before even really trying usually are those who often suffer from critical confidence issues. Because they are so insecure or unsure of their resilience and skill, they shy away from things that don’t know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they’re good at. Just like being too scared to take a stand, this type of self-sabotage also blocks us from attaining things that might otherwise bring us joy.
Questioning yourself constantly
Questioning yourself or second guessing your decisions often means you don’t have enough trust in yourself, or trust in your ability to make the right decisions. If you questions yourself constantly, you’ll often find yourself paralyzed by indecisions — something that can be especially detrimental in the fast-paced game that is life.
Indecisive disruptions
Indecision is an especially intricate form of self-sabotage and one that’s hard to identify until the damage is already done. More often than not, this indecision is caused by overthinking — a habit that makes you miserable and lowers your cognitive performance. Tied into our self-confidence and need to second-guess ourselves, indecision is one of the greatest preventors of true happiness, and one of the biggest warning signs that you might be dealing with lowered self-confidence.
How to handle your confidence issues (and create the future you want)
If you’re struggling with confidence issues — don’t despair. You can undo the years of negative self-belief and create the internal strength you need to thrive. By learning how to live in the present, identify your triggers and get to the root of where things went wrong, you can learn how to stand strong in your beliefs and the things you want for yourself and your life. It takes work, but it is possible with some introspection, commitment and a little perseverance each and every day.
1. Start living in the present
Many of our insecurities come from dwelling too much in the future and the anxiety that lives there around our goals and desires. We are a society obsessed with the end result, but too frequently we forget to focus on the journey rather than the destination. The process is the most beautiful part of the transformation, because it’s the part that contains all the growth and learning. Start living in the present if you want a better future, and if you want to increase your confidence.
Drop sight of that end-result and start getting present in the right-here and right-now. Look at your overall process and the lessons that it can offer you. By learning how to focus on the spaces between the endpoints, we can become masters of our skills and emotions, rather than just spectators. When you start to consider the journey, rather than just the arrival, your perspective of success and failure changes entirely.
Stop rushing and and allow yourself to get real and present where you’re at right now. Dig into the meat of how you’re feeling in this moment, and really dig into the strengths and core abilities that can help launch you forward toward the future that you want. The middle bits of the journey are the best bits of the journey, they’re the parts that offer us the most beautiful perspectives and opportunities for growth and transformation, but we have to lose sight of our goals and start focusing on where we’re at right now.
2. Identify your triggers
Shameful feelings can coerce us into engaging in behaviors that leave us raw and feeling insecure. Overtime, those negative feelings compound, to create new insecurities that follow us through the years, long after the initial event and the initial feelings of grief or embarrassment subside. The key to managing the far reaching effects of this shame is to recognize the triggers that bring you back to those traumas and put a stop to them before they cause you to spiral.
Catch those moments when someone is being manipulative, or something causes you to disengage. Notice the feelings it brings up, and notice how those feelings cause you to react. Does it cause you to blow things out of proportion? Or shut down all together? Keep a small journal and a record of the moments that really get to you, and compare them against childhood experiences. Is it those experiences that are keeping you stuck and scared?
Recognizing triggers is a critical part of realizing when you need to take a step back from something that undermines your happiness. Learning how to identify our triggers allows us to exert greater control over both our environments and our emotions; no small feat when you’re coming back from trauma, loss or grief which removed your power from you. Getting back takes getting real, and learning how to eliminate the things that don’t serve our emotional health and wellbeing in the longterm.
3. Master your inner critic
Our inner critics are one of the number one causes of ongoing shame, fear of failure, and internalized guilt. When we allow our inner critic too much leeway , it can destroy our sense of self and our self-esteem in ways which make it easy for us to hate ourselves, and therefore easier for others to take advantage of us.
Ease off that inner critic and develop new ways to deal with all the biting critiques. Learn how to avoid the triggers that set him or her off and try to cultivate positive responses to her negative outbursts. You can do this by reframing your own world views and getting to the root of the childhood traumas and heartbreaks that led to such a virulent inner voice.
Judging others is stupid, but judging yourself is especially pointless. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. The sooner you realize that (and accept it) the happier you’ll be. Whatever you achieve, someone will achieve better. However bad you did, someone will do worse. Take no notice of your inner critic and start living your life in line what what you know is your authentic truth. If you want something to be different make it different, and start right now.
4. Drop the judgements
Many of us fear failure because we fear the judgements associated with such a devastating outcome. When we fail to do something we want, or we fail to accomplish something others want from us, it can cause us to feel shameful or judgemental about ourselves or about our skills and accomplishments. It’s an insecurity trigger, and one that can leave us feeling embarrassed and inadequate.
We have to overcome these fears and drop the judgement game. Judgement holds us back from things we deserve and causes us to deny ourselves opportunities that would otherwise lead to growth and transformation. Expose your judgement to the light of truth and make new connections that allow you bolster your self-esteem and sense of power and self-possession. We aren’t the sum of our behaviors, we’re the sum of our experiences and that comes down to our authentic sense of self at play.
Recognizing triggers, too, is a critical part of the healing process. Learning how to identify our triggers allows us to exert greater control over both our environments and our emotions; no small feat when you’re coming back from trauma, loss or grief which removed your power from you. Getting past our judgements takes getting real, and learning how to eliminate the things that don’t serve our emotional health and wellbeing in the longterm.
5. Get involved
Forging new connections and establishing new relationships can be one of the best ways to boost our confidence and further define our sense of self. Our relationships can be a more accurate mirror by which to gauge ourselves within the world, and a release by which we can find both support and grace when we need it.
Reach out to friends, and don’t shy away from new skills and activities that could connect you with new people. Relationships are a great way to get re-familiar with your strengths, and a great way to build up the support systems you need to battle your shame.
Surrounding yourself with others who can take a compassionate, yet detached look at what you’re going through can be extremely helpful in assisting you to shape your own perspective. They can highlight issues you might have missed, or opportunities that you couldn’t see through the stress of the entire situation. By forging new relationships and reaching out to better the ones you already have, you’re actually boosting your ability to deal with low self-opinion and overcoming the darkness that’s plaguing your life.
6. Practicing mindfulness
When we think of being mindful, we often assume it means simply being nice (to ourselves and others) — but it’s much, much more than that. Mindfulness is a powerful tool and a powerful state of being which can help us to unlock our true potential and create more loving, compassionate and fulfilling environments and experiences for ourselves. It’s being present in the moment, and it’s being aware of both where we’re at and how we’re feeling.
Learning how to be more mindful actually unlocks powerful avenues of emotional intelligence, which in turn allows us to better deal with the toxic self-confidence issues that permeate our lives. Cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure and major clinical depression are just a few of the side-effects of living in a life that’s stressed to the max and focused on everything but the here and now. Learning how to be more mindful can transform our our perceptions and our health — but it has a number of other surprising benefits too.
Take at least 10–15 minutes to think about the things in your life that your thankful for. Set a timer and — at the end of the process — take another 5 minutes or so to journal about the experience and how these things in your life make you feel. Whenever you’re struggling to be present in the moment, or deal with some new obstacle, refer back to the journal. Are you still thankful for those things? Are they worth overcoming these challenges for? Let them be the inspiration that navigates you through the tough times.
7. Reshape your thinking
Nomatter how hard we try to avoid them, negative thoughts are everywhere, just waiting to lead us off track and distract us. Negative thinking can bog us down, and make it hard for us to operate in day-to-day life or make the big decisions that really matter. If you want to find your way back to happiness again, you have to learn how to challenge and replace your negative thoughts and emotions, but that’s a challenge that takes time and a lot of hard work on the inside.
Get yourself stuck into an activity that takes your mind off of the bad thoughts and redirect your energy into something more positive. Talking to someone is a good distraction, as well as going on a hike or traveling somewhere new. When you find yourself slipping down the rabbit hole of negative feedback loops, ask yourself the hard questions and really try to get to the bottom of why you feel that way. Question the experiences you’ve had and the assumptions you make; question your reactions and the way you view the people involved in the situation.
Learn to understand your negative thinking and the shape your most self-chat takes. Spend time with these thoughts and come up with healthy ways you can reshape them into attitudes and beliefs that are more in line with who you are at a core level. Living in the light and truth of our authentic selves is hard and it takes letting go of the baggage that has held us tied down all the years. Reframe your negative thinking and learn how to use it for good by asking yourself the tough questions and having the courage to take charge of your own happiness.
8. Practice some self-acceptance
Only when we learn how to accept ourselves and the way we feel and react to the environment around us can we truly unlock the power of our authentic self-confdience. We all have our baggage and the experiences that define who we are in the moment, but that person is always changing. True happiness comes only when we learn how to accept ourselves as we are.
Let go of all the judgements and preconceived notions you have about yourself and others. Remind yourself that the only behavior within the realm of your control is your own, and own up to that behavior and the things that drove you to those points. Embrace who you are, and embrace what you really want. No one in this universe is the combination of things that you are. Love those things, and see the beauty in them and the purpose for their creation.
If there’s something you don’t like about yourself — make a plan to change it — but only after looking it boldly in the face and accepting it for what it is. Acceptance is the key to all change and understanding, but it is often the hardest hurdle to overcome. Only when we accept something that is within our nature can we dig into the meat of it and come up with a plan to change or transform it. Spend a few minutes each day practicing this radical self-acceptance, and look to build it into your regular routine.
Putting it all together…
Learning how to overcome our confidence issues is a process that takes time, commitment and understanding. Self-confidence is key when it comes to creating a life we want to live, but we have to be brave when it comes to digging into the deeply-buried insecurities that help to chip away at our self-esteem. By learning how to better understand our confidence issues, we can better manage them and overcome them — no matter how they manifest in our lives.
Start living in the present moment and start letting go of those things in the future (and the past) that are outside your control. Get real about who you are and what sets you off, and look for triggers that bring out the worst in your insecurities or undermining beliefs you hold about yourself. Be meaningfully courageous and let go of that inner critic that is second-guessing everything you do. Drop the judgements about yourself and other people, and get involved in new skills and activities that can help reaffirm those best beliefs you have about yourself and your strengths. Be mindful about the way you approach yourself and others, and learn how to reshape the thinking that’s holding you back or keeping you negative. Getting to know yourself is one of the best ways to build up your self-confidence, but that’s something that takes a lot of understanding and self-reflection to master.
