Why You Should Talk About Sex on the First Date

Knowing and communicating our needs is the safest way to make sure they’re met

When I started dating again, almost three years ago, I quickly learned to be vocal about my sexual needs and desires. A few months in, I started bringing up sex almost immediately—sometimes before we even met in person, and always before the end of the first date—if I saw it going somewhere.

Does this mean that I always ended up in bed with them? Absolutely not. But, it has spared me many potential dead-ends, and—it has brought me the most fulfilling and mind-expanding sexual experiences of my life.

Talking about sex doesn’t imply that you’re up for it

I said talk about and not have sex on the first date. How long we prefer to wait until we do is our individual choice—and also something we should bring up as early as possible.

We all have our unique needs and preferences, which might differ depending on what we’re looking for. All of them are valid, and, all of these should be talked about:

—What do you like? How do you like it? And what are you looking for?

When meeting and getting to know someone new, we ask similar questions about everything —except for sex. Why?

Are we afraid that talking about it sends the wrong signals?

I believe so. And, I think this is another societal stigma that needs to go.

If I tell you that I enjoy going to the opera, or dream of climbing the Kilimanjaro, it’s not implied that I want to do that right now—or with you. I’m simply getting to know you, and sharing information to find out whether or not we’re a good match. In the same way, divulging our sexual preferences shouldn’t be seen as an invitation—at least not yet!

So, why should we talk about sex right away?

Sex is kind of a big deal

Sex, regardless of how we feel about it, is a huge part of an intimate relationship. That’s why they’re called intimate relationships and not friendships.

Birds do it, bees do it…

And most human adults do it. Sex, while having the potential to be a sacred experience, is still one of the most ‘commonplace’ things in this world: All life springs from it—every organic and living thing around us exist because of it.

Despite this, our society has deemed sex a taboo topic—something shameful and scary that should be talked about with hushed voices, behind closed doors.

While I see progress, I still see many that are struggling in unfulfilled or sex-less relationships. The problem usually always boils down to—yep, you guessed it—a lack of communication.

Unspoken sexual frustration tarnish relationships

Many are afraid to speak up about their desires and needs, even with the person they share their lives with—sometimes especially with them.

As a result, we become bitter and frustrated, seeking outside relief and support. Often, this happens when relationships start off without open communication around sex.

So, here we are, months, years or decades later, still not talking about it. The more time that passes, the harder it gets to breach the topic—until it eventually feels impossible.

Festering, like an infected abscess, the subject besets in further guilt, shame, and awkwardness. It becomes that can of worms that we’re too scared to crack open, knowing that it could potentially infest the whole ‘house’.

This, among other reasons, is why we need to learn to talk openly about sex— if not on the first date—then, as soon as possible.

Your pleasure is your responsibility

After I started dating in the BDSM scene, the most important thing I learned, besides what I like, was how to talk openly about it with potential or existing partners.

From being awkward and afraid to voice my wishes, the words started rolling off my tongue as easily as if I were listing my dinner preferences.

The article, Is Everyone Into Kinky Sex These Days? has provided me numerous writing prompts. In it, Elise asks;

What are you meant to do if you date someone and it seems to be going well, but then they reveal their sexual fantasy and it’s not something you’re really into. Do you end things or do you give it a try? Maybe they’re really kinky and you’re as vanilla as they come. What do you do then?

Communication is empowering

In kink- and sex-positive circles, this issue is mostly avoided due to the strong focus on communication. Besides, we often connect via online communities, which give us a good idea of what someone’s into:

You’ll know where they are on the dominant/submissive scale, and you won’t be taken aback when you discover a suspension point in the ceiling above their bed—or if they spring the flogger on you.

They won’t spring anything on you—because you’ve already talked about it.

Knowledge doesn’t kill the mystery

Personally, I find this approach liberating. “Doesn’t it kill the mystery?” you may ask. Not at all! Instead, it creates a different kind of mystery; it builds suspense and anticipation. There’s always plenty more to discover, with the knowledge that we’re already compatible.

Sharing our preferences beforehand shows that we respect our own needs — and those of our partners. It also shows that we value each other’s time and energy as we won’t end falling for each other, just to discover that our sexual needs don’t align.

Self-insight is wisdom

Because I know myself, I know what I want, and what’s important to me.

I’ve acknowledged that chemistry and compatibility are deal-breakers for me in any intimate relationship. I certainly need more than these to align, but, I could never go for a relationship without those two elements present, regardless of whether everything else was wonderful. Everything else wouldn't be wonderful—unless the intimacy was too.

That’s just me.

Or is it?

Through reading the writing and comments from various perspectives for the past few months, I’ve come to realize that it’s definitely not just me. In fact, it seems as though the vast majority value, and want, deep intimate relationships with fulfilling sex.

Unfortunately, many find themselves at a crossroad, which Yael Wolfe just published a spot-on article about:

[I found] people who were brokenhearted, aching for intimate connection. People who wanted love, sex, unabashed pleasure, uninhibited self-expression, but who couldn’t find outlets for those desires.

Set yourself up for success!

Clearly, there are many other things to life—and to intimate relationships—than sex. A good relationship needs a solid framework built on a multitude of building materials. Having only sex in common will probably not build a lasting structure—and at the same time, missing it entirely will cause a serious crack in the foundation.

Know thyself!

You might not know exactly what you want out of an intimate relationship, and this also changes, somewhat, that based on the other person. It’s also ok to admit that you don’t always know.

What you should do, regardless, is allow yourself to discover and consider what you want. To create a starting point for talking about sex when you embark into the world of dating—or when renegotiating an existing relationship—I suggest making a checklist where you consider the following:

1. How important is sex to you?
2. How long would you prefer to wait before you have it, and how often do you like to have it once you start?
3. What kind of sex do you like and want?
4. How experienced are you, how open are you to exploring new things?
5. Are you looking for someone to match your level of experience, or is it ok that they’re less experienced as long as they’re willing to evolve with you? Or, are you perhaps looking for someone to widen your horizons?
6. Are you looking for a monogamous connection, or are you open to other relationship types?
7. Do you have fears, inhibitions or perhaps trauma that you’re working through?
8. Do you have any specific kinks or fetishes?
9. What are your dreams and sexual fantasies? Do you have a bucket list?

Being clear about what you want helps you achieve it

I’m all about setting intentions and being clear about what I want in order to get it. Talking about what we want from sex is really the most effective way to get it.

It takes time to fully get to know our partners, and we might not want to take them on a tour of our entire library on the first date, but it’s helpful to reveal whether we’re more into Shakespeare, Sci-Fi, or both—or whether we’re into reading at all.

Parallel, there’s no need to take our new date down an extensive checklist of sexual preferences right off the bat, but sharing enough to know that we’re, at least, interested in going down a similar path can save us a lot of frustration, heartbreak, and pain down the road.

Talking about sex is the responsible thing to do

Because sex is simply another ‘normal’, and (at least) equally important part of shared intimacy and life with another person. The tired approach of modestly disguising our desires to ‘take it as it comes’ has been tried and tested—and it’s clearly not working out very well.

Talking about sex from the start should therefore not be considered too forward, vulgar or taboo, but rather the responsible and adult thing to do.