Why you actually resent your partner
Need a little clarity? This is why the resentment is setting in.
by: E.B. Johnson
Resentment is a tough place to be in our partnerships. Nonetheless, many of us end up there with disappointing partners and a lot of heartbreak behind us. You can’t afford to ignore resentment when it rears its ugly head in your relationship. These negative emotions fester, and they become a serious problem and a divide in our love for one another. If you want to try and keep your love on track, then you need to take action and resolve your resentment once and for all.
The real reason you resent your partner.
Do you resent your partner? Sure, it could all come down to simple misunderstandings. But what if it didn’t? Sometimes, the resentment that we feel comes from a very real and a very deep place. Ignoring these hurts doesn’t make them go away. It’s necessary to accept the truth in order to protect ourselves and heal our relationships in the future.
You’re a bad match
Would you describe you and your partner as a true love story? Or are you less than the ideal couple? Sometimes, we simply make a mistake in the person we choose to invest in. Like it or not, we settle down the way for partners who aren’t worthy of our time or our affection. Are you and your partner a bad match? You may resent them (and yourself) for taking less than you needed.
You don’t like your life
When you don’t like your life, it’s hard not to be resentful. Maybe you didn’t get the career you wanted. Perhaps the family life you built isn’t quite what you thought it would be. Life has a lot of twists and turns. No matter how much we plan, we end up in a different place. That place isn’t always one we enjoy, and when that’s the case we can take it out on our partners.
You feel stuck
Do you feel stuck in your relationship? Do you feel like you’re only with your spouse or loved one because of an obligation? This isn’t an indicator of a happy life together. Real love is more than that initial spark. The kind of love that builds long-term relationships is a conscious choice. We have to wake up and choose our partners every day. When that choice is taken from us, we can learn to resent each other (and ourselves).
You need an apology
Has your partner hurt you time and time again? Do they dismiss your feelings or fail to support you like they should? From the little injuries (like insensitive comments) to the major damages (like infidelity) we need apologies from our partners and acknowledgement for wrongs. If we never get that? Things can turn. We find ourselves simmering with resentment that won’t go away.
You don’t trust them
Failing to trust your partner can also lead to a lot of resentment. We need to feel secure in our partnerships in order for us to open up to one another and invest in the life we’re building. When you don’t trust your partner, you pull away from them and put up walls. That’s how resentment gets a foothold in your relationship.
You’re growing apart
Are you and your partner growing apart? Are they on a new health kick? Or enjoying some recent life change that is helping them grow into a different person? What about you? Are you outgrowing your relationship? Unfortunately, this can be a natural process. We change and grow, and sometimes we grow away from each other. In that space, resentment simmers.
You want different things
We don’t always consider the big picture when we get into a new relationship. As a matter of fact, we rush headfirst into things that don’t suit us for exactly this reason. Did you and your partner rush things? Are you now realizing that you want entirely different things from each other and the lifestyles you want? For our partnerships to work out, we have to want all the same things with values, beliefs, and future plans.
How to handle your resentment the right way.
There is a right way and a wrong way to handle your resentments — whether or not you know the relationship is over. Before you can address it with your partner, address it with yourself. Then you can sit them down and have an honest conversation. Seek counseling and work hard to resolve your issues as a couple. Can’t see eye-to-eye? Have enough self-respect to be true to yourself and re-channel your aggravations into something for the higher good.
1. Accept it for yourself first
Resentment is a complicated emotion. There’s a lot of anger and aggravation tied into it, which can be a powerful emotion. We can fly off the handle easily and become overwhelmed by our resentment. Lashing out or rushing to our partner with grievances is useless, though, if we don’t first get a solid handle on where our emotions are coming from (and what we want to do to move forward).
Accept what’s happening and how you feel foremost. There’s no point in ending your relationship or punishing your partner when you’re uncertain about your own emotional state. Get control of your feelings and spend some time clarifying your perspective and how you want to move forward.
Process your emotions. Give them time to settle and give yourself time to really question them. Do you really resent your partner? Or are you angry at yourself? What is the root cause of all this resentment, and why haven’t you addressed it? These things have to be confronted and addressed on a personal level. You can’t address problems with your partner until you’re sure of them yourself. Uncover the actual answers and give yourself time to work out what you really want to do next.
2. Tell your partner the truth
We humans are social creatures, and we use this socializing to build connected and happier lives. We like to talk things out; it helps us clarify our emotions and our needs. That’s why talking to your partner is an inevitable part of confronting your resentment. You’ve got to sit across from your loved one and let them know what’s wrong. What’s more, you have to be honest with them about what you want and the reality that your relationship is facing.
Sit your partner down and have an honest conversation. Tell your partner the truth. If they’ve done something that has hurt your feelings, be upfront about it. If you can’t stomach the betrayals, or you’re just drifting apart — explain how you feel and let your partner do the same. Be compassionate, kind, and respectful.
Don’t point the finger and don’t use blaming language. Keep it cool, and strictly to the facts. If they’ve wronged you, illustrate the situation factually, then focus on your emotions. Don’t assume you know what they are thinking, or what their intentions are. Respect their perspective, even if it hurts. Allow them to explain themselves, even if you know you were in the right. Ask each other questions and be honest. Are you prepared to move forward? Is there a path that can bring your relationship back to its heart?
3. Seek relationship counseling
Relationship counseling is a necessary part of putting a badly damaged relationship back together. It’s not always possible to work past our resentments and hurts with each other. There’s too much ego and too much pent-up emotion. Sometimes, we need the outside perspective of someone with a little more know-how and experience than we have with these issues.
If you’re determined to make it work, then seek relationship counseling. Be realistic. Relationships are complicated. You’re each going to have your own way of looking at things, and differences in communication. It’s helpful to get a (knowledgeable) third party involved who can help mediate the complicated things.
You don’t know it all, but a relationship expert can help you and your partner in the right direction. More than that, they can better help you determine whether or not your relationship is beyond salvaging. If you find that the love cannot be saved, then these counselors can be invaluable in helping us to mindfully decouple so that we can move on and build lives (and new relationships) independent of one another.
4. Re-channel your aggravations
Feeling resentful or aggravated is pretty common in most relationships. We all get hurt and upset from time-to-time. While these resentments can become pretty major, they’re not always such a big deal. Sometimes, we can actually re-channel our upsets and our hurts into more positive outlets. This can help us to process how we’re feeling and decompress some of the intense emotions we might be caught up in.
Re-channel your aggravations and disappointments into a more positive avenue. Ruminating on what didn’t work out won’t fix things. It won’t put things to right, and it certainly won’t make you feel better about what happened. Instead of brooding over wrongs and heartache, find something higher to do with yourself.
Reconnect with your interests, hobbies, passions, and purpose. Find what gives you the motivation to get up in the morning. You can rage at the world and be angry at yourself, but it will do no good. What will help you move forward in a better way is figuring out who you are again. Get back out into the world. Plug back into your social circles. Remember what it means to be yourself and you will rediscover the power to heal.
5. Be true to yourself
Resentment isn’t a straightforward thing to overcome. We have to really work on ourselves, and we have to look to our partners to work on themselves too. It’s a matter of changing ourselves from the inside out, so that we can then shift our partnerships in transformative ways. You’ve got to be honest with yourself and true to your needs. Is your relationship going to make it? Can you forgive your partner? Can you forgive yourself? At some point, you have to actively embrace the truth and do what needs to be done.
Be true to yourself. Admit when enough is enough, and when you just don’t have enough love left to make it work. Not every relationship lasts forever. This might be your great “failed relationship”. By accepting that, you’re not accepting failure. You’re accepting opportunity.
Move on when it’s time to move on. Stop trying to beat life into a dead relationship (and yourself). Stand strong in your truths and accept when enough just isn’t enough anymore. It’s not a failure in yourself. It’s no reflection of who you are, or who you can be. That ideal love still exists, and it is more accessible to you now than ever. Dropping dead weight and admitting the truth leaves room for real love to come in.
Putting it all together…
Resentment isn’t always a straight-forward feeling. Sometimes, we resent our partners for failing to live up to their end of the agreement. In other moments, though, we realize we resent ourselves for settling into romantic relationships that don’t have what we want. Getting ourselves back to that happy and loving place requires that we face up to these feelings; even while we take motivated action in the name of our ultimate happiness.
Accept the way you’re feeling and the reality of your situation, too. Question it and get a personal understanding of it before you approach your partner. Equipped with a sense of calm (and the truth) sit your partner down and have an honest conversation. Tell them how you’re feeling and give them the change to explain their own point-of-view. If you’re intent on picking up the pieces, seek relationship counseling. Channel your negative emotions into more positive channels, but don’t avoid admitting the truth when it’s standing right in front of you. Not all of us can overcome resentment. Be truth to yourself and take the action that needs to be taken, so true love has a chance to enter your life.
