Spotting the signs of a fake apology

It’s not always easy to identify an insincere apology, but it’s one of the most important skills you will ever master.

by: E.B. Johnson

In life (and our relationships) we encounter hardships with others which challenge the bonds we share. Connections build, and then they break down. We make mistakes and we become divided over a number of issues, behaviors, and beliefs. We come back together, though, through resolution and apology. Not all apologies carry the same weight, however. For some, the fake apology is a means of manipulation and shirking the responsibility of change.

Are you getting an authentic apology from the person that you love? Or are you getting something far more thin and superficial? True apologies require us to weigh out our behavior and to confront the parts we play in conflict and misunderstanding. Without that, we are doing little more than manipulating the situation and insulating ourselves from the hard emotional work of making amends with the people we’re supposed to love and respect.

Not all apologies are created equal.

Apologies are a crucial element in bringing our arguments and misunderstandings to an end. We have to admit when we get things wrong and when we hurt others. This way, we can find the middle ground and get back on the same page. A genuine apology carries with it a true sense of remorse and indicates an individual who is taking personal responsibility. We only apologize from the heart when we feel bad about what we’ve done, and we actually want to make it right.

So what then of the fake apology? These the apologies which don’t come from the heart. The “I’m sorry” that is more about manipulating a situation than making it right. It’s imperative that you learn to spot the signs of these insincere apologies. From a rushed delivery, to dismissal and reversed blame — it’s crucial we don’t settle for a fake apology when it’s less than we deserve.

You don’t have to accept a fake apology when you’ve genuinely been done wrong. You don’t have to allow bad behavior, or a dismissal of your thoughts and your feelings. Set boundaries and stand up for them. Communicate how you perceive their apology and express what you would like to see from them instead. Give them another chance to get things right, and if they don’t get them right for yourself. You are the only person who can make the right decision for you in any relationship.

Common warning signs of a fake apology.

To spot a fake apology, we have to know what to look for. While deflection and manipulation are common forms of insincere apologies, this toxic tactic can run so much deeper and be far more subtle than we could ever dream.

Flipping the blame

An apology in which the blame is shifted to the victim is no apology at all. Is your partner flipping the blame back on to you? “I’m sorry you felt that way, but you should have known where I was coming from…” This is toxic, and it makes you accountable for their choices and their behavior. Flipping the blame is meant to deflect, and it’s meant to maintain corrosive power dynamics that keep you small and in doubt of yourself.

Taking it hostage

Manipulators love to use fake apologies as a way to get their victims back beneath their thumbs. Often, they’ll use them to lull the other person into a false sense of comfort. But the apology is never real. Upon further inspection, you come to see that it’s all a ploy to get something they want. They might promise an apology only if you first commit to an action that they want to see. “I’ll apologize if x or y happens…” This is a form of manipulation meant to get you to behave in a certain desired way.

All about them

When we apologize to someone, we should seek to empathize with them and the experience they’ve had. Apologies that we make about ourselves aren’t authentic. This happens when we follow our apology up with a million excuses or justifications for our behavior (showing that we aren’t really taking responsibility for what we did wrong). An “I’m sorry” that turns into me-me-me shows we have no intention of correcting the behavior. It also shows we care little for the other person’s perspective or emotions.

Disjointed behavior

Though we tend to think of apologies as a gift of words, they are actually a culmination of words and deeds. An apology means nothing if it is not followed up by acts of affection and attempts to correct the behavior (or beliefs) that hurt the other person. Noticed a disconnection between your partner’s apology and the way in which they continue to behave? This disjointed behavior is often a sign that their apology isn’t authentic.

More of a show

An apology that’s full of grand gestures and giant displays are traditionally those with little substance. We don’t need grand gifts or promises of change in order to get back in-sync. What we need is for our partners to empathize with our experience, hold themselves accountable, and then work to fix things. If your loved one’s apology feels like a big show…it’s probably because it is.

Getting it over with

Does your partner seem to rush through their apologies? Do they say what they need to say and then get out of the room as quickly as possible? Or tell you what you want to hear with the speed of a 100m dash? Someone who rushes an apology (or seems as though they’re just trying to get things over with) is someone who hasn’t sincerely process what they’ve done wrong. When we mean it, we take our time to connect and ensure that the other person feels our remorse.

What you can do to protect yourself.

Fake apologies can be both toxic and harmful to our inner selves and our relationships. You don’t have to settle and accept an insincere admittance of guilt. Get to the root of your problems, then work it out. If you can’t get what you need to have enough self-respect to walk away toward people who will honor you.

1. Clarify your perspective

Have you just been on the receiving end of an apology which you suspect to be less than sincere? Before you make any sudden movements, you need to spend some time thinking through where you’re at. Perspective is a powerful thing, and that encompasses the whole of our expectations, our beliefs, and our experiences. You need to consider how you feel, and then you need to weigh out your options and consider how you want to respond.

Take a step back from the whole debacle. Get centered and grounded in who you are and zero-in on your emotions. Process your thoughts. How do you want to proceed with this person? If their fake apology “put things to bed” are you really ready to open up old wounds? Or are you able to find your own personal resolution?

Consider too the long-term vision you have for your relationship with this person. How do you want to resolve your problems with them? What’s the best way to approach a new apology? At some point, you’re going to have to take action and communicate with your partner. What does that action look like to you? How do you really want to proceed? And what are the pros and cons of each approach?

2. Lean into your self-confidence

There are few other personal powers more important than self-confidence. Our self-confidence protects us from narcissists, abusers, and those who would otherwise take advantage of us. This confidence is also invaluable when it comes to dealing with conflict and fake apologies. With self-confidence, we can set boundaries and stick to them; while still pursuing the things we need as far as apologies and forgiveness.

Lean into your self-confidence. You have a right to respect within every relationship you hold, and you deserve to have your needs honored. Set some boundaries for yourself and know that you have a right to defend them. What are you willing to accept? What are you not willing to accept? This is where the beginnings of your limits lie.

You deserve to be apologized to if you’ve been wronged, but you also have to know that you cannot expect an apology. Sometimes, we have to find a resolution on our own and make do with the apologies we get (fake or not). If you’ve expressed your needs and you’re still not being respected, then call on your self-confidence again. Be strong enough to know you can find peace on your own. Let go of your attachment to someone else’s mistakes.

3. Hold the other person accountable

There can be no moving beyond conflict in your relationship if there’s no accountability. We have to take responsibility when we get things wrong, and both have to commit to making things better. You need to let your partner know that their false apology isn’t good enough, and you need to let them know why. Beyond that, you have to ensure your boundary lines remain strong and that there are consequences for disrespecting you.

At some point you’re going to have to make a choice to accept their attempt, or to stand up for yourself. If the insincere apology you received isn’t acceptable, tell your partner (and tell them why). Be okay with standing beside your boundaries and communicate those boundaries explicitly.

Point out the flaw in their apology, and point out how it violates your limits and the behaviors you expect from the people who love and respect you. If they can’t do better, limit their access to you until they find a way to take responsibility. No matter what type of relationship you’re dealing with, no one has the right to your time, your energy, your emotions, or your physical body without respect, honor, and permission. Stand by that and hold the other person accountable.

4. Give them a second chance

The road back from a fake apology is a pretty straightforward one. We have to process how we feel and then approach our partners about their behavior. Standing by our boundaries, we have to ask for what we need and then step back to process. If you truly love the other person standing on the other side of the hurt feelings, give them another chance to apologize. After all, we’re only as good as the mercy we give and receive from those we love.

Once you’ve had a chance to point out the shortcomings in your loved one’s apology, give them a second chance to apologize the right way. Give yourselves time to walk away and re-process your emotions and the new shared perspectives of the other person. Then, see if you can’t come back to the table with compassion and a greater willingness to fix things.

See if your partner has it in them to apologize the right way. See if they can truly listen to your expression of needs and see if they have what it takes to respect your boundaries. More often than not, we find the people that love us want to make things right. Mistakes happen honestly. Not every person is like this, though. Sometimes you won’t get the apology you want and you won’t get the acknowledgement either. At that point, you’re the one who has to make some tough decisions.

5. Make the right decision for you

Has your partner or spouse made another shallow attempt at apologizing? Have they outright refused to give you what you need? Apologies (or lack of them) can lead to a crossroads in our relationship. At some point you’re going to have to make the decision to accept less than you deserve, or take action in the name of your wellbeing. Though you may love them with all your heart, you need to assess whether what you are building can provide what you need.

It’s time to make decisions. You can either forgive them, or decide to make some serious changes in the way your relationship functions. This doesn’t mean you have to cut them out completely, but you do have to decide if this is the type of person who will be able to respect your boundaries and your wellbeing.

We get the respect we demand. While we can’t control the actions of others, we can ourselves and the environments we allow ourselves to exist in. Make the right decisions for you. If you need more respect, or you need someone who can honor an apology and the hurt which they caused — pursue that, and decide if the person you’re sitting across from now will ever provide that. We are the only ones who can make ourselves happy. A partner is a complement to that. Is your partner a complement to your life? Or a drain?

Putting it all together…

Spotting a fake apology isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary if we want to ensure our relationships remain on the same page. Conflict is inevitable, but the true test of our power lies in how we reach resolution together. Apologies matter, but when we rush things or dismiss the way our partners feel, we’re heading for disaster. We have to stand up for ourselves and ask for the respect we deserve.

Clarify your perspective. How has the fake apology made you feel? Think through your feelings and sift through what matters and what doesn’t. Lean into your self-confidence. If you’re not satisfied with their insincere attempt to heal things, you’re going to have to stand up for yourself. You need self-confidence to do that, and the knowledge that you deserve to be happy with someone who respects you. Once you’ve got your courage back, stand up to the other person and let them know how you feel. Respectfully point out the flaw in their apology and express your needs and your desire for resolution. Give them a second chance to apologize the right way, and if they can’t — commit to making the right decision for you. We deserve to be happy with someone who sees the value in our needs. Do what’s right for your joy.