It’s time to consider relationship counseling
Have you and your partner reached an impasse? Before you give up, you should consider working things out with relationship counseling.
by: E.B. Johnson
Although our relationships start out with the best of intentions, they don’t always result in smooth sailing. Life is filled with all kinds of ups and downs, and it tests us and our partners in innumerable ways. Sometimes, we are able to overcome these challenges and triumph on our own. In other instances, though, we need the help of another set of eyes who can help us better identify the walls we’re running into when it comes to honesty, connection, and keeping things on track at home and in the bedroom.
Not all issues have an easy resolve.
In the early days, we like to pretend that our relationships will be all roses and easygoing, but that’s rarely the case. As the bills roll in and the responsibilities rack up, we can notice the cracks start to show in our partnership. Although we would like to stay on top of all the issues and address them ourselves, that’s not always possible. Sometimes, we need the help of someone else to shift our perspective and reconnect the right way.
Not all issues have an easy resolution. Some problems we run into as a couple are serious and drive us away from one another on deep levels. When the resentment and the pain becomes overwhelming, a relationship expert can often help us to uncover the resolutions and peace we’re looking for.
There’s no shame in making your relationship better. There’s nothing taboo about looking for help when you’re hurting. We all run into problems and complications in our relationships. No one is immune from heartache or making mistakes. Don’t allow the disruptions to upset all the time and effort you’ve put into building a life together. Consider investing in relationship counseling once you notice things going off the rails.
Signs it’s time to consider relationship counseling.
Have you and your partner stopped communicating? Are you facing major life changes, or a revolving door of issues you just can’t seem to put to bed? It might be time for you to consider relationship counseling, but only after you get honest about where you and your loved one are going wrong.
Inability to communicate
Does it feel like you and your partner are speaking different languages? Do you struggle to communicate, or struggle to open up to one another? When we just can’t talk the way we used to, a relationship expert can help us explore different avenues for re-instilling confidence and touching base with vulnerability.
Uncontrollable conflict
Every relationship encounters fighting and arguments, but the conflict can get out of control when issues grow large and our egos get in the way. If you and your partner can’t disagree without turning everything into a major fight, then it might be time to find a relationship counselor who can help you open up the door on better ways to speak and relate to one another.
Revolving door of issues
Do the same issues keep coming around-and-around, over-and-over? Do you or your partner have baggage that keeps coming up, never to be resolved? When you can put your problems to bed, an outside (trusted) party can often be helpful in viewing the situation in different ways. These shifts in perspective are powerful in helping us to find the middle ground.
Cracks of infidelity
Infidelity is a hard obstacle to overcome. When one partner isn’t faithful, it destroys the sense of trust and safety that we build as a bridge between one another. Facing this hurdle, we can find ourselves overwhelmed with resentment and an array of toxic feelings that are impossible to unwind without the help of someone with training and experience.
Financial upset
Money matters when it comes to building a life with someone else. When you aren’t honest with your finances, or even careful with them, it can cause major problems in your relationship like breeches of trust, erosion of communication, and even a total implosion of intimacy. Financial upset is a serious challenge, and one that shouldn’t be underestimated.
Major life changes
Life moves quickly and it takes us along with it for the ride. If you’re undergoing major life changes, you can notice that you also undergo a transformation from the inside out. This can cause disruptions in your relationship, though, and disconnects that are hard to repair. When one partner’s life changes, it inherently changes the life of the other person too.
Moving different directions
Sometimes, our relationships don’t run into difficulty because of any major shift or upset. Sometimes, we simply grow in different directions. It’s natural. We change as we get older, and we come to want different things out of our futures and our relationships. Maybe you and your partner still love and respect one another, but you’re moving toward different things in life now.
Pretending things work
You and your partner may not even be in crisis when you realize you need a helping hand. Have things gone on autopilot for you both lately? Are you going through the motions, but not really feeling connected? A relationship counselor can help you identify where your emotional breaks are and pull the lid on your disconnection with one another.
Sexually incompatible
Sexual compatibility matters. This form of intimacy is important and allows us to build trust and connection with one another. When we’re sexually connected, we are better able to have fun with one another and be vulnerable with one another — things that are necessary for a long-lasting relationship. Sexual issues shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you’ve turned off in the bedroom, and an expert can often give you great ideas to get back on track.
Someone wants it
There is no greater reason for attending relationship counseling than the desire of your partner. Has your other half expressed a desire to talk to someone with more knowledge than either of you possess? That’s all the reason you need to know that something needs to be fixed. If you or your partner desire a healthy relationship with the person you’ve already invested so much time and money into — then you owe it to yourselves to find someone who can help.
How to find the perfect relationship counselor.
Finding the right relationship counselor isn’t as easy as opening up Google and picking the first name that pops up nearby. You need to first pinpoint what issues you need to address, then educate yourself and test out the waters of what does and doesn’t work for you and your relationship.
1. Admit there are issues
Before you can find the right counselor who can help you and your partner get back on track, you need to first fess up to your issues and spend some time pinpointing (specifically) what needs to be fixed. You’ll save yourselves a lot of time and a lot of money by leaning into this honesty upfront. Admitting there’re issues in your relationship is the definitive first step.
Sit down together and get clear about what’s going wrong between you. Without judgement and without blame language or conflict, come up with a list of the things you’d like to see repaired or brought into your partnership.
Both of you need to admit what’s going wrong. Without this, there’s no clear effort from both partners. Make no mistake, if you want this relationship to work out (and if you want counseling to work out for you) then you and your partner have to come to the table ready to put in equal effort and emotion.
2. Educate yourselves
Education, believe it or not, isn’t just for science and mathematics. We can also educate ourselves on relationships and the ways in which relationship counseling could work for us. There are many types of relationship counseling, and different types of experts who can help us address different needs. In order to find someone who is going to work, we need to know what we’re interested in or what we think might be a good fit for our needs.
Take some time together to educate yourselves on what relationship counseling truly means. If you think it’s all low lighting and soft couches, think again. Relationship counseling can take on many forms, and can be as hands on or intensive as you and your partner need it to be.
Write down a list of therapies, techniques, or approaches you believe you might be interested in and do it together. Remember, though, it’s important to keep an open mind. You’re simply looking for a starting point. You’re not diagnosing or treating yourself or your partner. Think of it as a window shopping list and don’t invest too heavily. What you need and what you want could change quickly or slowly over time.
3. Look for specialized experts
If you’re having really special or complex issues with your partner, then you need to look for specialized experts who are able to address those problems. Not every relationship counselor is equipped to deal with severe psychological or mental abuse. Not every one will have the right answers when it comes to a relationship betrayal after 20+ years. Special problems call for special experts.
Look for specialized experts who are trained to deal with the problems that you and your loved one are facing. If your partner is abusive, then you need to find a relationship counselor who knows how to handle such a volatile situation.
Take your time and don’t rush this stage of the process. Finding the right relationship expert is just as important as finding a good intimate partner. A good counselor will help you unlock truths you didn’t even know existed. A bad one will undermine all the hope and all the security and trust you’ve spent years building up through goodwill and fidelity.
4. Stick with it (don’t quit)
It takes the effort of both partners to piece a relationship back together. Beyond that effort, it can also require a great deal of time to heal the wounds you have inflicted upon one another. You both have to give the counseling (and your counselor) the time they need to work things out. You also need to give yourselves time to open up and see the effects of the work you’re putting in.
Once you’ve found a counselor or an expert that you like, you have to stick with the process and not allow yourselves to bow out until the journey is done. Whatever the outcome results in, see things through until the very end. That way there can be no question and no doubt in anyone’s mind.
When you want to bow out or skip a session, recall the last big blow up or the last time you said and did things that hurt one another. Unless you want to live with that pain and that resentment forever, you need to put your heads down and get things resolved. Your relationship didn’t get into a bad state overnight, and it won’t get fixed overnight either. Put in as much effort fixing things as you do dismissing them or making them worse.
5. Be honest about what works
While getting help from a counselor or therapist is a great first step, it’s important to remember that not every practice or technique will work for you and your partner. There are different approaches to reconnecting our broken wires, and what works for one couple doesn’t necessarily work for the other. You both need to be honest about what works, and honest when it’s time to try something new.
If what you’re doing isn’t working, try something else. Keep communicating with one another throughout. If one (or both) of you is feeling uncomfortable, then you need to express this with the counselor and take a second look at anyone who isn’t willing to customize your experience as needed.
It’s important at this stage to be honest too about the success you’re achieving overall. Are you finding resolution by working things out together? Or are you uncovering more resentment and greater differences than you initially imagined? Be honest with yourselves and honest with one another. Keep asking yourself the hard questions and never stop pursuing your highest happiness and sense of personal purpose.
Putting it all together…
Our romantic relationships don’t always work out the way we want them to. We encounter challenges and hardships which make it hard to connect and even harder to communicate. Sometimes, we need the help of a third party, or an expert that can help us better explore the issues that are driving us apart. Finding the right relationship counselor requires a little groundwork, though, and honest communication (and effort) between ourselves and our partners.
Admit that there are issues in your relationship and come together to identify what you each think needs to be addressed. Educate yourselves. Relationships are complex, and rebuilding from breaking points can be an even more complex and nuanced process. Once you know what’s wrong, look for an expert who has expertise dealing with your needs. Not every relationship counselor is going to a good fit for what’s going on in your partnership. Look for specialized help and don’t quit once you’ve found something that fits you both well. If results aren’t adding up, though, be honest with yourselves. Is this relationship really what you want? Do you have what it takes to overcome your differences? Only you and your partner know the answer.
