RELATIONSHIPS

Why We Know There’s No Such Thing As A Bad Idea

Especially when it begins with a kiss.

You said it was a bad idea. I wholeheartedly disagree, meaning my whole heart says otherwise. There are no bad ideas, only opportunities.

Why would you think it was a bad idea to hold each other close and share an intimate moment? I have ideas, too, you know. I believe it was the best idea we’ve had all year. There’s nothing wrong with consensual touch between friends who care for each other. I have a few other ideas we could explore, involving our bare skin and more of our tongues inside each other’s mouths.

You gave me a small taste of what it’s like to kiss you. I wouldn’t change anything about that night. I felt unmistakable magic when your lips met mine, and I was open to exploring more of that feeling. I was ready to walk through the door. But you only felt safe letting me in the hallway.

You keep saying you don’t want to hurt our friendship, but that ship has sailed. It was more painful for you to hold back than it was to go for it and see how it feels to be more than friends. I’m not afraid of being open. I welcome it. And maybe that’s the problem.

You’re afraid because you dared to open yourself to me. You can tell me all those other reasons, and sure, they’re valid. But now I know when I lean in a little too much, you’re bound to step back. We got closer in real life, without the protection of our text screens, and it freaked you out. You may never admit it, but I speak from extensive experience with this kind of relationship.

I’m the master at finding and attracting unavailable people. I discover them in the most unlikely places, like an honest, open-minded friend like you. And despite my efforts, I can’t seem to stop thinking about being with you again. I’d rather be alone fantasizing about you than trying to make the pieces fit when they come from a different puzzle.

I went out on a date with someone new, and the first person I thought of when I arrived home was you. I’m not sure if it was because he doesn’t offer the exchange I yearn for, and you do, or if I’m still caught in a pattern of being attracted to people who won’t stay.

Then it struck me. I can see into people so well. I knew he and I weren’t a romantic match. I don’t know how I do it, but I can read a person early on. I get an intuitive sense of why we met and where we might be heading before we meet or touch. Not that I don’t ignore that message sometimes, but at least I’m aware of chemistry and compatibility without having to try too hard.

I’ve known for years that you and I had something beyond friendship. I also knew from watching you that we weren’t ready for each other yet, especially when you fell in love with an emotionally unavailable woman. But we had something brewing for years. I know you knew that, too.

Now we live far away from each other, and you haven’t come to visit. I know you could be up here in a day, but realize our distance isn’t necessarily conducive to the relationship we want. We have minor inconveniences keeping us apart. I still don’t think being in a relationship with you is a bad idea.

I don’t want to be with someone just because they like me and they’re conveniently local. That doesn’t make us right for each other. And maybe I don’t want convenience. Maybe I don’t want to ignore the passion we still have between us.

I like meeting new people, and I had a good time. I don’t think meeting him was a bad idea, either. He showed me how I behave when he checked off some of my boxes, but not the right ones. I tried to check them off, but they didn’t stick.

Interestingly, he’s open and available. Oh, the irony. Your card holds a multitude of checked-off boxes, except for the one I need the most. Emotional availability would swing that door wide open, and you’d walk right through toward my waiting arms.

I know if I “get on with my life,” you’ll reconnect. We revisited some playful banter last night, which made me wonder again if you’ll keep moving toward me this time. But if we never end up as lovers or life partners, I won’t regret what we tried that one time.

We’re here to learn and grow. Every idea, every action, has a valuable lesson. I learned to express my love to you, even when you weren’t ready to let yourself do the same. I’m willing to take chances and be responsible for my feelings.

I don’t think kissing you was a bad idea. And I think you agree. For once, we aligned our hearts and bodies where we intended. I couldn’t think of a better idea than that.

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