Why They Committed to a Relationship They Never Wanted
Understanding their motivations will free you to find true love.
When you find someone who wants to commit to a relationship, it’s such an exhilarating experience. It’s a rush. You feel like the most special person on the planet. It’s almost as though the universe has smiled down on you, favoring you with a special gift that no one else has.
That high doesn’t last long for everyone, though.
For some, those commitments aren’t the grand statements of love we hope for. While they may give us butterflies on the surface, time and challenges can reveal that some partnerships are formed on the flimsiest intentions and promises.
Some people commit to relationships they never really wanted in the first place. They leap into partnerships not because they value the other person, but because they feel pressured to tap into the opportunity the other person can offer them. Not all commitments are made equally. Accepting this is the first leap into a better reality and better relationships.
What kind of person does this?
Some of you will be confused by the idea people agree to relationships they don’t want. It will be even more shocking for you to find out that a staggering number of people cling to those relationships for years, even though things are chaotic and miserable. If you haven’t experienced this kind of relationship, you’ll be asking yourself, “Who would possibly do that?”
There are many reasons that someone commits to an ill-fitting relationship. Likewise, there are many types of people who use these terrible partnerships to meet very different ends. They include:
- The desperately lonely
- Those seeking acceptance
- People needing to project
- Those who desire control
- Broken people caught in a cycle
Fears drive this kind of superficial commitment. So does a desperate need for acceptance, validation, and even control. Relationships aren’t a fairy tale of love. For some, they are the mask to be worn, the key that will get them to the “next level” of their lives.
One must be wary of the person who commits to something they never really intend to see through. What’s more, you must peel back the layers and understand the deeper reasons behind their behavior. Why? So you never settle for the same cycles in the future.
Why would they commit to a relationship they never wanted?
We all come to our decisions in different ways. This includes the relationships we decide to commit to. Some choose these intimate connections because they feel pushed into it. Sometimes, life traps them in a corner they feel they can’t escape. Looking at these realities allows us to see where our partnerships are rooted, and empowers us to make informed decisions about the cycles we also need to break.
It seemed like a good idea
No one ever likes to hear it, but some relationships are founded on nothing more than a whim. Commitment is a major step to take, but some take it lightly. They get into the heat of the moment and stop looking at reality (or the future). In that space, they promise everything to a partner because it seems like a good idea in that precise moment.
They were probably looking at how smooth the early days were and thought that it was a practical idea. Maybe the connection was something they felt would benefit them in a net positive.
However they came to the decision, it didn’t include questioning their reality, analyzing the future, or looking at the deeper elements of your relationship together. Committing to a long-term relationship requires those things. It’s love entangled in a business partnership. There have to be clear goals and mutual connections that go deeper than the surface.
They were pushed into it
There is a lot of pressure for romantic relationships. Constantly, an invisible hand is pressed upon us that says, “You must be in a romantic relationship or you are weird.” That can make people do and believe silly things. Ultimately, they end up in relationships they don’t want because they feel incomplete or forced for not being there.
Partners are forced into relationships all the time by friends, family, and society. They can become crushed by the pressure to conform to relationship standards that are pushed by TV, film, and even digital (and print) media. Pictures of happy couples. The drive for weddings, rings, family, children. That barrage may have pushed your partner right into a relationship they weren’t ready for.
You had something they wanted
It seems silly that someone would commit to a whole romantic relationship when they didn’t really want to be there. That is silly, because it’s not that simple. Even if your partner didn’t want to commit to you as a person, they may have seen something in you they were desperate to commit to.
People use relationships to get what they want. That can come in the shape of money, of safety, of social acceptance, material wealth, the access a last name can provide. To some people, a partner and a romantic relationship is the next step in a bigger goal. It’s a means to an end.
You may have had partners who didn’t want to be with you, but they did want something you had. The really significant part is that, if they did make the commitment, then it’s likely they knew you were an easy target to get it. They saw something in you that was willing to give up.
They felt cornered by life
Not all relationships start off with the intention of commitment. People come together in excitement and connect over the fun they have together. That’s exactly when life can get in the way, though, and consume the relationship with circumstances that are hard to escape. That’s especially true when family planning become major mistakes, or family ties become too close.
Circumstances can push certain individuals into commitments they don’t have their hearts in. Take, for example, the fling couple who find themselves enceinte. What was nothing more than short bouts of fun now becomes a major commitment that has to be made by both parties (and their families).
Or, consider the couple who grow up as childhood best friends. Their families consider one another home, and huge portions of their lives are intertwined. They toy around with a relationship, but things don’t turn out well. If they walk away from each other, they risk detonating two families in one fell swoop.
Certain circumstances create significant pressure on a relationship. This pressure is crushing, like all pressure, and takes a lot of courage and self-respect to navigate. That can make someone feel like they have to stay put and commit to a partner they don’t really love.
You were too eager to settle
There’s no denying that some false commitments are made by toxic partners. There’s no bigger cycle at play, there’s no hurt or pressure that pushes them into your arms. People like this commit because they want to take advantage of someone. They see an easy target, someone who will make them the center of their world and not put up a fight.
If you have a history of partners who leap in (with bad intentions) it’s time to consider that they’re seeing something in you. When too eager to settle, we become easy to take advantage of. A toxic person will give you a flimsy version of the commitment you want if it means getting you into a weaker place.
They were stuck in a cycle
Many of you reading this will be very aware of people. You’ve probably spent years working on yourself, going to therapy, and trying to figure out how to get the love you want. That awareness is powerful, but it’s important to acknowledge that it’s not in everyone. Some people move from very numb, reactive places. They’re not aware of their affect, what they do, or why they do it.
This kind of person stumbles right into relationships they don’t really want or value. You see this in the emotionally immature partner, who hasn’t “grown up” yet. This person is still going through the motions. They aren’t aware and just get into relationships because it happens to them.
Any commitment they give you is not from any conscious place of honest desire or future planning. It’s just the next stop on a path they are wandering along. If they don’t commit to you, they’ll commit to the next person. If that doesn’t work out? They’ll walk away and move on to the next person willing to agree.
Where do you stand in the middle of it all?
You have to find where you fit in the middle of this love story. Are you willing to settle for a passion-less connection that doesn’t check off the right boxes? Are you willing to play second in a commitment that was never made with the right intentions? If not, there are 3 steps you must take to plant yourself in a new reality.
- Get brutally honest with yourself
- Figure out what you’re made of
- Take action to do the right thing
Get brutally honest with yourself about your relationship, what’s happening, and who you’re committed to. Are they detached? Have they failed to be present in your relationship? Accept the reality of your relationship and the person you’ve committed to.
In that space, you can dig deep and figure out what you’re made of. Before confronting them, before any grand action, rebuild your self-esteem and your self-respect. Get to a place where you understand what you have deserved — in terms of love — all along.
Once you’re there, you can take action. Sit your partner down, question their intentions. If safe, let them know how you’re feeling and create space for them to do the same. Take steps to make the best out of it, or make the choice to walk away. Both of you deserve to be happy. Decide what that happiness truly looks like.
It acknowledging a relationship formed in flimsy commitment is painful. It’s complex, it’s nuanced. We have to peel back so many layers and understand tough truths not only about our partners, but about ourselves as well. We have to acknowledge the pressure placed on us by society, friends, family, and even ourselves. We want to fit in and romantic relationships help to provide that.
All the same, you must accept what your relationship is and what it is not. If you’re not happy, there’s a reason. Resolving your unhappiness is the only way to become the type of partner, parent, or person you want to be. That can’t be done without action, though, without accepting ourselves (and our partners) where we are.
In the end, it is happiness that is on the pedestal. It is true love and belonging. What are you willing to do for that love? Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to prioritize your well-being and the happily ever-after you’ve craved.
E.B. Johnson is a top writer, coach, and podcaster who helps women heal from narcissistic abuse and childhood trauma. Get a FREE workbook and weekly coaching emails directly to your inbox when you join The Growth Digest, a self-recovery newsletter.
© E.B. Johnson 2023