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g an overabundance of charm and good behavior to lull people into a false sense of confidence. Narcissists and abusers use this as a part of their mirroring techniques to present the ideal partner that you’re more likely to fall for.</p><h2 id="fbb0">Feigning interests</h2><p id="d87e">Next, you may find that the toxic mirrorer <a href="https://readmedium.com/signs-theyre-the-wrong-person-for-you-fa0e4b31f2e4?source=search_post---------1-------------------------------">feigns interests</a> in order to get closer to you. As you open up and reveal more of the things you like and don’t like, they will do the same. What you’ll notice, however, is that this toxic person will swear up and down to like (or dislike) all the same things that you do.</p><p id="ec45">Again, this is all about idealization — the first stage of abuse when it comes to narcissists and other toxic manipulators. These individuals don’t want you to see what they are really like, so they show you a person who you can’t help but love…yourself. Once the commitment is made, you can find a lot of these shared interests evaporating into the wind.</p><h2 id="4cec">Targeting must-haves</h2><p id="b9aa">In the early stages of a new relationship, there’s a lot of talking that happens. While we have the fun and excitement of sex, we also have the excitement of getting to know someone new. You ask a lot about your potential mate. You want to know what makes them tick; what they like and what they don’t like.</p><p id="96be">Unfortunately, this is the stage that a skilled mirrorer uses most. They pick up on all the things that mean the most to you (including deal breakers and no-gos) then they <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-traits-narcissists-look-for-in-their-romantic-partners-3b5fbd262106?source=search_post---------4-------------------------------">mimic those things</a>.</p><p id="c816">It can be impossible to see who the real person is beneath the surface, because these dangerous individuals are extremely competent at showing you only what you want to see. That’s true no matter how they have to show up. They will toe the line, talk to you perfectly, and be everything you’ve told them you wanted…until they can’t keep the mask up anymore.</p><h2 id="93d8">Connecting with family</h2><p id="bcdc">If you think that mirroring is something that only happens between you and a toxic partner, think again. A manipulator of this caliber is not above using <a href="https://readmedium.com/stop-bringing-your-family-into-your-marital-problems-c1607e001d8f?source=search_post---------0-------------------------------">your family</a>, friends, and even children in this skilled act (especially if they are a narcissist).</p><p id="d429">They will glom on to your family, get close, and present as the perfect person and partner for you. They will get themselves invited to reunions, dinners, holidays. If you try to break things off or question their intentions, you suddenly discover that you are alone on an island and all your allies are at your enemy’s back.</p><h2 id="87

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34">Presenting perfection</h2><p id="4a71">Above and before anything else, the person who uses mirroring to manipulate their partners is trying to present an air of <a href="https://readmedium.com/your-need-for-perfection-is-ruining-your-life-d9040df98d7a?source=search_post---------0-------------------------------">perfection</a>. They want you to believe that you’re safe with them. They want you to believe that you’re their primary interest, or that they are compassionate and emotionally intelligent.</p><p id="429b">They do this by idealizing themselves. Once you believe they are the ideal human, the guard drops and the trust begins to grow. If they have to, they will be totally relaxed and cool, willing to try all the same things. But then the switch flips. You see who they are when they don’t get what they want, or you prove them to be someone they thought you weren’t.</p><h1 id="dd40">How to avoid the mirroring trap…</h1><p id="3b81">Stop seeing only what you want to see in your partnerships and allow yourself to see the truth — red flags and all. There’s nothing noble in glossing over the breaks, the divisions, the obvious differences in your desires and your goals.</p><p id="8fd0">If someone isn’t the right person for you, readjust their position in your life. Holding space for the wrong people will break you, and it will guarantee that the right people have no room to come into your life.</p><p id="f1e1">Prioritize your happiness and your future over the future of someone who doesn’t love you; someone who isn’t even heading in the same direction in life. Embracing a path of self-confidence and self-respect is the surest way to avoid the mirroring trap and stay true to yourself. Rise above the manipulation and manifest relationships that give you the belonging and passion you deserve.</p><p id="b110">© <i>E.B. Johnson 2022</i></p><p id="4ea8"><b>Support my writing with <a href="https://www.eb-johnson.com/membership">your Medium subscription</a>. It will allow me to keep creating worthwhile, accessible advice that helps people. Get full access to my entire catalogue by subscribing.</b></p><p id="aab9"><b>You can also j<a href="https://practicalgrowth.substack.com/">oin my mailing list</a> and get regular stories and reliable advice. Ready to improve your life? Find out about <a href="https://www.therealebjohnson.com/working-with-me">my coaching programs</a>.</b></p><div id="704d" class="link-block"> <a href="https://www.therealebjohnson.com/product/sorted/"> <div> <div> <h2>SORTED - E.B. Johnson</h2> <div><h3>Have you and your partner hit a rough spot in your relationship? Our love is defined by how we overcome challenges…</h3></div> <div><p>www.therealebjohnson.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*yhyqYflTH7h0o3oE)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

How Toxic Partners Use the Art of Mirroring To Trap You

Think they’re the perfect partner? Before you commit, make sure it’s not an act…

*Image via @ana_lombardini via Twenty20*

by E.B. Johnson

Have you ever met someone incredible, only to be shocked by their true personality days, weeks, or even years later? Maybe they seemed like a dream-come-true when you first connected, but then a darker side of their behavior manifested. This is a common revelation in the toxic partnership, and a tactic used often by narcissistic and manipulative partners.

It’s a lot like hunting. Drawing you in, this perfect partner shows you all the things you want to see. They are sweet, and loving, and open. But one day a switch flips, and everything changes. The partner you loved disappears and a new, venomous person is standing in their place. Sound familiar? You may be a victim of mirroring…

How toxic partners use mirroring to trap you.

Mirroring is an insidious form of manipulation used by narcissists, abusers, and dividers alike. It allows toxic partners to slip between the cracks and infiltrate our lives in deeply emotional ways. They idealize themselves (and us) by showing us only what we want to see — and then the trap is set. A mirroring partner is a master of illusions. Knowing what to look out for is key to avoiding disaster.

Look for body language

Mirroring often starts at a very subtle level, in an effort to make us more comfortable and at ease. Usually, we can see this in body language. The person doing the mirroring watches our body language and reflects it back to us.

They note how we react when they do things like touch us, or stand a certain way — and they adjust themselves accordingly. Whatever gets them positive results and easier access to the behaviors they want from you.

Too good to be true

Have you ever met someone who seemed too good to be true? Maybe they came on strong at the start. They were extremely charming and said and did all the right things. They probably bought you lots of gifts and showed up as the knight in shining armor (or even the damsel in distress).

This kind of over-the-top layering of charm and affection is usually a warning sign. If someone acts too good to be true, they usually are.

In many cases, this boils down to lovebombing. A technique that involves using an overabundance of charm and good behavior to lull people into a false sense of confidence. Narcissists and abusers use this as a part of their mirroring techniques to present the ideal partner that you’re more likely to fall for.

Feigning interests

Next, you may find that the toxic mirrorer feigns interests in order to get closer to you. As you open up and reveal more of the things you like and don’t like, they will do the same. What you’ll notice, however, is that this toxic person will swear up and down to like (or dislike) all the same things that you do.

Again, this is all about idealization — the first stage of abuse when it comes to narcissists and other toxic manipulators. These individuals don’t want you to see what they are really like, so they show you a person who you can’t help but love…yourself. Once the commitment is made, you can find a lot of these shared interests evaporating into the wind.

Targeting must-haves

In the early stages of a new relationship, there’s a lot of talking that happens. While we have the fun and excitement of sex, we also have the excitement of getting to know someone new. You ask a lot about your potential mate. You want to know what makes them tick; what they like and what they don’t like.

Unfortunately, this is the stage that a skilled mirrorer uses most. They pick up on all the things that mean the most to you (including deal breakers and no-gos) then they mimic those things.

It can be impossible to see who the real person is beneath the surface, because these dangerous individuals are extremely competent at showing you only what you want to see. That’s true no matter how they have to show up. They will toe the line, talk to you perfectly, and be everything you’ve told them you wanted…until they can’t keep the mask up anymore.

Connecting with family

If you think that mirroring is something that only happens between you and a toxic partner, think again. A manipulator of this caliber is not above using your family, friends, and even children in this skilled act (especially if they are a narcissist).

They will glom on to your family, get close, and present as the perfect person and partner for you. They will get themselves invited to reunions, dinners, holidays. If you try to break things off or question their intentions, you suddenly discover that you are alone on an island and all your allies are at your enemy’s back.

Presenting perfection

Above and before anything else, the person who uses mirroring to manipulate their partners is trying to present an air of perfection. They want you to believe that you’re safe with them. They want you to believe that you’re their primary interest, or that they are compassionate and emotionally intelligent.

They do this by idealizing themselves. Once you believe they are the ideal human, the guard drops and the trust begins to grow. If they have to, they will be totally relaxed and cool, willing to try all the same things. But then the switch flips. You see who they are when they don’t get what they want, or you prove them to be someone they thought you weren’t.

How to avoid the mirroring trap…

Stop seeing only what you want to see in your partnerships and allow yourself to see the truth — red flags and all. There’s nothing noble in glossing over the breaks, the divisions, the obvious differences in your desires and your goals.

If someone isn’t the right person for you, readjust their position in your life. Holding space for the wrong people will break you, and it will guarantee that the right people have no room to come into your life.

Prioritize your happiness and your future over the future of someone who doesn’t love you; someone who isn’t even heading in the same direction in life. Embracing a path of self-confidence and self-respect is the surest way to avoid the mirroring trap and stay true to yourself. Rise above the manipulation and manifest relationships that give you the belonging and passion you deserve.

Support my writing with your Medium subscription. It will allow me to keep creating worthwhile, accessible advice that helps people. Get full access to my entire catalogue by subscribing.

You can also join my mailing list and get regular stories and reliable advice. Ready to improve your life? Find out about my coaching programs.