There are 2 Types of Toxic Partners. Which One is Yours?

Admitting the truth is the first step to getting out of this relationships and into a relationship you love and value.

by E.B. Johnson

Since 2019, I have been helping people address and recover from their broken and toxic relationships. From coaching, to books, to podcasts — I’ve seen and heard it all. There’s no type of toxic relationship that I haven’t studied closely, and through it all I noticed an interesting pattern. No matter what the cause is behind their destructive behavior, toxic people generally boil down to 2 categories. Those who are toxic for themselves, and those who are toxic for others. Here’s what I mean…

The two types of toxic partners.

Toxic people don’t exist in a vacuum. They are created, whether that is by mental health or by their own toxic upbringings (often it’s both). But what you see, when you peel back all the layers, is that some people use this toxic energy and behavior to achieve validation from the outside world — while the other type doesn’t. And that’s the real difference.

Some toxic and abusive people do it for their own validation, and some do it for the validation of others. Knowing which type you’re dealing with is often the difference between keeping yourself safe, or getting trapped somewhere that will break you and your defenses.

Those who do it for themselves

The first type of toxic person is the type of does it entirely from a self-directed place. This hurt person lashes out and hurts others out of a desire to numb or heal their own pain. No one else really figures into the equation. As a matter of fact, they’re happy to take down anyone who impedes their inappropriate behavior.

This person differs greatly from the second type, because these individuals don’t necessarily care what other people think of them, their lifestyles, or their behavior. They can be fringe dwellers and take pride in not playing well with others.

Some signs of a Type 1 partner can include:

• Addiction issues
• Fringe dwelling
• Openly abusive

These abusers and toxic manipulators don’t care to be a part of society. They’re not worried if they “fit in” or if their family makes them look “normal” to others. They generally are volatile people, set in their ways and convinced entirely of their own righteousness.

It’s not uncommon for this type of person to lack a large social circle. They don’t play well with others, and they don’t care to. The road ahead is entirely theirs, and anyone who jumps on the ride is beholden entirely to doing things their way (no questions asked).

Those who do it for others

The second type of toxic partner is (perhaps) the most dangerous. Instead of wearing their rage and their bad behavior openly, this category of toxic partner prefers to play a much more insidious game.

This type of partner needs the validation from the outside world. Their weaknesses come from a sense of insecurity and a desire for that outward acceptance. They crave certain connections, and they desire to project certain images into the world.

Some signs of a Type 2 partner can include:

• Standing in society
• Covert narcissism
• Neglect and abandonment

You see narcissists a lot in these categories — who are individuals outwardly defined by the desires of others. This can be the scariest of all toxic types because you never really know where you stand with them. In their eyes, people are accessories for them, and therefore never really safe (esp when they lose value).

They may mold you into the shape that best allows them to move with success in public. Or they may decide to abandon you altogether when you prevent them from projecting the image they want to project. It doesn’t matter. Whatever gets them that praise from the ego, they value more than you.

Which one is your partner?

Is your partner someone who hurts you out of a desire to look good in front of others? Are they projecting an image? Or do their toxic behaviors come from a place of having no love for anything at all? Not every toxic person is motivated by the same factors. Some are motivated by a desire for outward validation, and others are motivated by their own selfish intentions.

Knowing which kind of person you’re attached to makes all the difference in the quality of your life. Only when you see someone for who they truly are can you interact with them safely and effectively.

Stop playing second fiddle. Don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of, used, or destroyed for the entertainment, misery, or gain of someone else. You are worth so much more, and there is so much more happiness out there for you to find. No one has a right to abuse you, diminish you, or otherwise steal your light and your spark. We are worthy of love and we deserve to be held in respect and in joy in every relationship we have.

© E.B. Johnson 2022

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