What you’re getting wrong about love
Do your relationships keep floundering? This is what you may be getting wrong about the whole thing.
by: E.B. Johnson
Do your relationships keep imploding? Do you run into more heartbreak than you do lasting connection or support? Getting it right in love isn’t always easy. Building a life with someone else can require some compromise, but it mostly requires getting clear on what we really want and need. The ideal partnership exists. Finding it just takes a little extra honesty. Are you chasing the right things in love? Or are you getting wrong in all the worst ways?
Love isn’t what you think it is.
Most of us were raised with a very specific picture of love. You grow up, meet someone, get married, then you start a family. One person might carry more of the weight in the relationship than someone else. Things might be really off balance. We were sold a vision of love that was often toxic and disjointed. “Find someone and make it work” our parents told us. “Get someone with a good job…get someone who fixes you…” But is that what true love comes down to? Sticking it out and finding someone to save us from ourselves?
Finding love requires rethinking everything we know.
Love isn’t about making a relationship work, no matter the cost. It’s about finding the right person that complements the life we’re building for ourselves. We have to find the right person. That takes knowing ourselves, though, and the depth of our needs and desires when it comes to loving someone else. Are you looking for someone to rescue you from the pain of your past? True love has nothing to do with finding a savior, and it has nothing to do with establishing worth in this world. To find true love, we have to stop chasing all the wrong things. That takes an honesty that’s both brutal and uncomfortable.
What you keep getting wrong about love.
Do your relationships keep imploding in a show of dramatic sparks? Are you tired of ending up heartbroken and alone, after giving everything you’ve got to your relationships? It’s time to admit that things are going wrong so that you can set them right. Are you chasing salvation? Looking for an instant fix? Correct all your false beliefs about what a good relationship looks like so you can build better ones for yourself.
Final salvation
One of the biggest mistakes that people make in love is thinking romantic love, or a romantic partner will scoop you up and save you from the world. Maybe you think it will right the wrongs of the past — but it won’t. A romantic relationship won’t fix the mistakes your parents made. It won’t heal the wounds your last relationship left behind. Only you can do those things with time and mindfulness. You are your own savior. A partner is just a helpful addition.
Instant happy pill
Are you someone that thinks romantic love will provide the “happy pill” you’ve always been looking for? Do you think that it will erase all the wrongs in your past and make it easier to exist in the world as you are? Unfortunately, romantic relationships are not a magical fix-all. Just as they won’t save us, they won’t provide us with a sense of happiness either. It won’t magically make you happy or make you see yourself in a different light; those are all things that have to come from within you.
Sense of worth
Beyond feeling happy or getting rescued from where we are in life, many of us look to our intimate partners to provide us with some sense of validation or worth. It’s understandable. We live in a society that treats you as though you’re worthless if you don’t have a partner. Maybe you have come to think you’ll finally feel worthwhile, or a part of the living world with a partner by your side. You’re the only one who can provide those feelings to yourself, though.
A straight shot
True love isn’t some kind of magical thing. It’s not preordained by the cosmos, and it doesn’t come to you as a result of good deeds or bad deed. Like everything else in our lives, our relationships simply are whatever we choose to make them. You think it will be easy or no work at all, but lasting partnerships take time to establish. If you think that true love comes with no complications and no complex emotions, then you are in for a rude awakening. It’s not always a straight shot, and the sailing is never as smooth as we think it’s going to be.
It’s all in the physical
Do you correlate intimate love with physical connection? Are you someone who throws your physical body at people in an effort to be loved for who you are on the inside. While sex is a healthy and important part of most relationships, restricting ourselves to the physical restricts our perception of love too. Strictly physical relationships are superficial ones. We have to look beneath the surface and get to know one another as we truly are in order to identify compatibility.
Only words matter
To a few, love was taught as a flimsy thing. Nothing more than some words to be tossed away when someone had something that you wanted. Love comes down to a lot more than words, however. Gone are the days when you could tell someone you loved them, and that was enough. Now we know that true love requires action as well as words. You have to demonstrate your love for your partner by acting on your commitment and supporting them each day.
Suffering required
Modern love (in many instances) has come attached to this toxic idea of suffering. Many of us think that loving someone means being willing to suffer at their hands, but that just isn’t true. True and lasting love comes with ups and downs. It doesn’t come with constant suffering, abuse, or hardship that’s beyond the pale of chance. If you and your partner suffer in your lives together, you may be toxic for one another. You deserve to be happy, not miserable, and alone in a partnership that doesn’t work.
Total sacrifice
Would you describe yourself as someone who is willing to sacrifice it all for love? Would you give up your job? Your dream? All to throw it to the wind and fly off into the sunset with someone who promised to love you? Throwing yourself away from someone is never a good idea — no matter how much you love them. Although you may think you have to sacrifice everything you are and everything you have in order to keep another person in your life, that’s jut not true. This leaves you subservient and stuck in a power-struggle that disconnects you from self.
How you can get it right.
You don’t have to settle for tragic and off-balance relationships for the rest of your life. You can take all your wrongs and set them to rights by figuring out what you really want, and acting on it. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be supported and loved. Manifest that by increasing your self-confidence and being honest and upfront about what you value in life and in love.
1. Know what you really want
Do you know what it is that’s really important to you in your relationships? Do you have a vision of the ideal partner? A vision of the ideal partnership and what it looks like as it ages and moves through the natural seasons of love? Before you can get the relationship you want, you have to know what your list of needs actually encompasses. When you know what you want, you can build upon that dream and communicate your needs and expectations to others.
You will never get the relationship that you want until you know what that relationship looks like. That means sitting down and being honest with yourself. What means the most to you in life? What do you want from your future? How do you want to feel? How do you want to be treated?
Visualize everything you want your relationship to be. Build that vision around a prioritizing of your needs and stop allowing yourself to compromise on the things that you truly desire. We all have different needs and wants within our relationship, and that’s okay. Dig deep and be honest with yourself. What kind of partner makes you feel supported? What kind of person could bring value into your life. Stop settling and start getting clear on what you really want.
2. Believe in your right to get it
There is no moving forward in life with self-belief. We can’t build healthy relationships, and we certainly can’t build stable and reliable futures (for ourselves) when we don’t even believe in our ability to get it right. Before investing your time and energy in someone else, you need to invest time and energy in yourself. Now is the time to increase your self-esteem so you can start standing up for yourself.
At some point, you have to make the decision to stop settling — and then you have to act on it. This requires self-esteem, and an unshakable belief in self that allows you to persevere even when that inner critic rears its ugly head.
Believe in your right to get the partner that you want. Believe in your right to get the life that you want and a relationship that makes you feel safe and supported. Action is nothing without self-belief, and love is nothing if not our emotions manifested through action. Fall in love with yourself. Fall in love with all your strengths and all your weaknesses. See yourself in the full light of who you are and believe in your right to share that light with the right person.
3. Put your honesty up front
Unhappy relationships, in every instance, are built on failed expectations. Sometimes these expectations fail because we just don’t have what it takes to match one another’s needs. In the greater number of instances, though, these expectations fail because both partners are not honest and upfront with one another. Whether it’s uncomfortable or not, it’s your job to be truthful to all your potential partners so you can make sure you’re on the same page.
Be honest and upfront in every instance of your search for love. You can’t afford to chop yourself up and fit yourself into someone else’s definitions of love. You have to be clear about what you want and what you need from your romantic partnerships. And you have to refuse to compromise on those things.
If you want a family (or you don’t want a family) be honest from the jump. If you want a high-flying lifestyle with lots of travel and material success — be honest about that too. You know what you want to be happy. There’s no point in hiding that. You won’t change someone else by springing it on them later on, and it’s unlikely your core needs will change either. Be upfront with any potential partners about your needs and encourage them to do the same. The wrong relationships don’t work out so that the right ones can.
4. Be okay being on your own
While it may seem counterintuitive, it’s not really possible to be happy in a relationship if you can’t even be happy on your own. You are the one undeniable constant in your life. No matter what happens, inner you will always be there right beside. If you jump into a relationship, that person will come with you. You need to be okay being on your own — and find the power in your presence — if you really want to get to the root of building better relationships.
Find peace in your singlehood before you go deep-diving into another serious commitment. This time on our own is precious and is one of the best times to figure out who we are and what we want. If you’re single, start seeing that time alone as a blessing, not a curse.
Being on your own gives you strength. It reveals deeper skills and truths you never realized about yourself before. You have to find peace on your own before you can hope to find it with someone else. Self-love, after all, is the gateway through which we access our love of others. Invest in some me time and celebrate your singledom. Your worth is not tied to your romantic partners. It’s tied to your inherent belief in you and the things you want from your future. Believe in yourself and be okay being on your own.
5. Deal with your baggage early
Your partner will never heal you. While a good partner can support us through the process, finding true freedom is a burden that’s ours alone. We have to be happy in ourselves to find happiness in other people. We have to resolve our pain so that it doesn’t keep playing out again and again in every little fight and irritating disagreement. That’s why it’s crucial that you address your baggage before you get in a relationship, rather than expecting them to just take it on and fix it for you.
Don’t wait for someone to enter your life to work out your baggage. It’s not someone else’s responsibility to pick up your emotional pieces. They weren’t put on this planet to heal your wounds, or heroically rescue you from the consequences of your own choices.
Deal with your baggage early — don’t wait for your partner to do it. The more healed and whole you are, the higher caliber of partner you will be able to attract. Build your life up so that it becomes something you don’t have to be rescued from. Create a version of self that you can love as much as you can love anyone else in your life. Process the pain in your past, make sense of your mistakes, and become a person you can fall in love with. Love of self unlocks an even deeper love of our partners and spouses.
Putting it all together…
So many of us pursue romantic love as a primary focus in our lives, but that pursuit often ends up fruitless and riddled with pain. That’s because so many of us chase the wrong things in love and then end up heartbroken when we disappoint ourselves with things we don’t really want. Better relationships are out there, but we have to cultivate self-awareness to find them. Then we have to take action to transform ourselves into the partner we want to be.
Know what you really want and take your time figuring it out. You can’t build the ideal relationship until you know what that looks like for you. Form a vision and then build the self-confidence that allows you to pursue it. Put your honesty up front. Any time someone new comes into your life, be real with them and candid about what you want and what you expect from any future connection with them. The only person you’ll scare away is the wrong one. Be okay being on your own and stop allowing yourself to be defined by the relationships around you. That “perfect” person and “perfect” partnership is out there for you, but you have to attract it through action, awareness, and intention. Become the person you want to bring into your life. Deal with your baggage early and find peace so that you can build a relationship in peace.
- Bradford, K., Spuhler, B., Higginbotham, B., Laxman, D. and Morgan, C., 2019. “I Don’t Want to Make the Same Mistakes”: Relationship Education Among Low‐Income Single Adults. Family Relations, 68(4), pp.405–419.
