Why Observing Her Cycle Is One of the Most Romantic Things You Can Do
Skip the flowers and sync up with her tracking app instead
—Oh, your boobs just got bigger, I see your period is just around the corner.
Guess what? That’s one of the most romantic things my partner has ever said to me. Before that, I swooned when a lover said something along the lines of:
—Men who avoid women on their periods are idiots; they’re missing out on her most sensitive days.
That doesn’t sound all that amorous, you say? Well, I think it is, and I’ll tell you why: This is the sound of the mature, divine masculine speaking. There are feminist attitudes in action. On the opposite end, as an example of the immature masculine, you have the guy who told my friend he doesn’t go down on a woman because it makes him feel like a cow licking a salt stone. Red flag — huge turn off!
One of my favorite stand up comedians, Ali Wong, agrees and in a story about when she told a lover that she was on her period, he responded:
—Well, then let’s make a fucking mess Ali!
Shocked by this, she said, till this day that is the most romantic thing anybody had ever said to me.
Her audience laughed, but I know she meant that through and through, and she concluded that there is nothing more empowering and truly feminist than what that man said that day.
I couldn’t agree more. Being fully accepted for who you are, including your body and its presumably less flattering functions is empowering—and it’s freeing!
Therefore, when my boyfriend pointed out the above as I was getting undressed, just some months after we started dating, I knew I was in the company of a good guy; someone who not only cares but who pays attention, sees me and welcomes all of me. That is damn romantic!
My partner does many things to show me that he cares, another one of them is that he reads all of my work, as well as much of that by my favorite writers here on Medium. It was through my dear friend, Yael Wolfe that he came across several articles on sex and the menstrual cycle, such as this one, about how understanding the menstrual cycle can lead to a better sex life.
Soon after he downloaded my tracking app and asked to sync up with me. I swooned again and even had to call my best friend Morgan in disbelief. She sighed along: Damn, I want to meet a man who does that. That is so beautiful!
He continued by asking several questions about my cycle and how I feel mentally and physically throughout, as well as what he can do to best adjust to any kind of change I might be going through.
—Is this guy even for real? I thought to myself. No man had ever gone to such lengths to truly understand my body and how my hormonal changes might affect both of us.
Luckily, I’ve never had partners who avoided me during my days of the month either. In my oh-so-humble opinion, those who get freaked out by some blood are neither mature enough to be with people menstruate nor to have sex at all.
In my twenties, my ex would say silly stuff like; yay, I’m riding the red wave tonight, and dive in. Not as romantic, but we were kids, and at least it spoke of acceptance.
I’ve been fortunate to never have felt shamed or shunned for my period, and I’ve therefore never shied away from getting frisky while bleeding either, but this—having a partner pay attention not only to the days but my whole cycle—showed a new level of acceptance and maturity.
Benefits of paying attention to her cycle
My partner’s newfound understanding has indeed been part of strengthening our relationship, and it benefits him too. Here’s how:
Deeper feelings of closeness and intimacy
There are few things more validating and empowering than feeling seen, then understood and accepted by our partners. This obviously goes for any sex or gender and tends to make us open up more to each other.
The difference between knowing when she has her period and knowing how her entire cycle works is like the difference between knowing that she likes tea in general, versus knowing that she likes her morning tea black with one sugar and a splash of milk, and her evening tea herbal with no sweetener. The latter really makes us feel paid attention to and cared for. Details matter!
Appreciating your partner in this way increases feelings of connectedness, which leads me to the next point…
You’ll potentially have more and better sex
Increased feelings of closeness often result in a stronger appetite for sex. In addition, grasping how her hormonal changes make her feel allows you to adjust the type of intimacy to suit these.
Every person is different, but the majority of women will experience a higher drive around ovulation. For me, this also means that I’ll generally be in the mood for rougher sex. After ovulation, our sex drives tend to decline, which doesn’t have to mean that we want a lot less sex. Instead, it could be that your partner needs more time to get aroused and warmed up, and she might prefer it softer and gentler.
Beware that perimenopausal, menopausal, and non-menstruating women also go through hormonal cycles, and though they may be different and sometimes vastly irregular, it’s equally beneficial to pay attention to these. What matters is the willingness to understand and the following acceptance.
I created the above graphic to illustrate how my sex drive changes according to my cycle. While this too is individual, many will experience a similar curve. The average cycle is around 28 days with the period lasting from 2–7 days at the beginning, and ovulation around day 14.
To give a generalized sum up this means, in colloquial terms, that during ovulation we fuck, and during PMS we make love.
It can strengthen your relationship overall
Clearly, I’m not saying that any relationship is going to improve magically from studying your partner’s menstrual cycle. Instead, I am saying that the kind of mindset that goes along with this; of tuning into, souls, mind, and body, and being genuinely interested and accepting is one that will improve relationships overall.
Surely, I will never turn down romantic gestures such as flowers or a nice meal, but, if you offer me dark chocolate and a backrub on days 24 to 28 and know to save the celebratory post-period spanking to days 7 and up, and you’ve found the key to my heart!
