Howl

How Understanding the Menstrual Cycle Can Lead to a Better Sex Life

I’m not just talking to the ladies here — men, you need to know this, too

I got my first period when I was 12. My mother kindly respected my wishes not to make too big a deal out of it, but she made sure I had all the equipment I needed and occasionally whispered to me about how bad her cramps were, as if the two of us were in a secret club.

Over the years, I learned when to expect my period, and that it usually came with wicked cramps. And that was the extent of my knowledge.

I didn’t pay any attention to my cycle — didn’t even acknowledge that there was a cycle, really. I just noticed that at some point during the month, I’d get mild cramps that would evolve into my period and worse cramps. Everything but those 4–5 days was pretty much irrelevant.

When I became sexually active, my doctor never once asked me if I understood how my body worked, how my cycle worked, how pregnancy might happen. I mean, sure, I knew if you stick a penis in a vagina and said penis ejaculates, pregnancy might occur.

But there’s so much more to that story that I didn’t know. And no one seemed inclined to enlighten me.

My doctor gave me a prescription for birth control pills and told me to “read the directions and do what they say.”

I did what she told me, proceeded to have debilitating side effects from the Pill and…I got pregnant. I know you’re going to say I was a dumb, irresponsible 19-year-old who obviously did not follow the directions, but no. I did. I did exactly what I was supposed to do.

My mother had gotten pregnant on birth control pills, as well, so I chalked it up to…aggressive fertility?

Even after I stopped taking the Pill, for years, I remained in the dark about my cycle until I got into a very serious relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry.

He definitively did not want to have children right away and I definitively did not want to go back on the Pill. We talked a lot about what was right for us and settled on condoms. But even that felt a little risky.

So I took matters into my own hands and started reading a book that would change my life: Taking Charge of Your Fertility. The book outlines the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM), in which you track your body’s daily changes in order to determine your risk of getting pregnant (or to enhance your chances of getting pregnant, depending on your goal).

Suddenly, I understood that my period wasn’t the only part of my menstrual cycle. Suddenly, I knew that I was not actually fertile every single day of the month. Suddenly, I realized there were things about my cycle that were really, really good and that my period wasn’t an inconvenience to be endured.

Dear heavens, how American sex education (and my nervous but well-meaning parents) had failed me — and all my past partners!

There I was, just entering my thirties, experiencing a personal renaissance. I knew what my temperature told me about the state of my fertility. I understood the reasons behind the different types of discharge my body was producing. I started correlating my moods and energy levels with my hormonal fluctuations. I felt my cervix for the first time and tracked its movements. And I finally understood why my usually high libido was through the damn roof at some point during the month.

I realized there were things about my cycle that were really, really good and that my period wasn’t an inconvenience to be endured.

I even came to understand a whole host of information about my body that correlated to the day of my cycle. I knew exactly how I might be feeling on Day 5. I could predict what I might need on Day 24 and proactively seek out ways I could meet those needs.

The difference this made in my sex life was astounding.

I noticed I was like a wolf in heat mid-cycle, and I learned to take advantage of that, unapologetically initiating sex a lot more often than normal with my partner (though carefully, knowing how fertile I was at that time of the month).

I knew when my breasts were going to start screaming with PMS-induced pain and I would ask my partner if he would give them a rub for me, in an attempt to nurture our physical bond at a time when I wasn’t necessarily in a sexual mood.

The only problem was that my partner had no interest in learning my cycle. Okay, so maybe knowing the position of my cervix wasn’t as fascinating to him as it was to me — that’s fair.

But I stand by my belief that all men with a female partner should know where their ladies are in their cycles. Which means, ladies, you need to know that, first.

Why does this matter?

Paying attention to our bodies is essential in order for us to have fulfilling sex. Sure, we might stumble into a hot orgasm from time to time, but isn’t it so much better when we can consistently find the pleasure that our body craves?

The only way to do this is to pay attention.

The most primal parts of ourselves are already aware of the changes in our cycles (or in our partners’ cycles). But imagine how much deeper we can go if we consciously recognize these changes. Imagine how much easier it could be for us to pursue and achieve pleasure in the bedroom if we were connected enough to know exactly where we were in our cycle on any given day. And imagine the emotional intimacy that can be achieved in a relationship where both (or all) partners pay attention to the menstrual cycles involved.

Though no one will have trouble knowing where you are on your cycle when you’re menstruating (that’s an easy one), if you’re a woman who experiences a high sex drive at this time, isn’t it nice to know that ahead of time and make sure you have some dark towels near the bed, or maybe plan a shower date with your man?

When you’re at a low point in your cycle (for me, this often happens between ovulation and menstruation), it might help to remember that it’s harder to orgasm at that time of the month and to make sure you have a vibrator handy or to get into a position that reliably gets you off.

Imagine how much easier it could be for us to pursue and achieve pleasure in the bedroom if we were connected enough to know exactly where we were in our cycle on any given day.

You know you’re going to need some extra lube at certain times of the month. Wouldn’t it be such a turn-on if your man knew exactly when to pull it out? “Baby…I just realized it’s Day 23. Let’s get you greased up…” Okay, maybe don’t say it like that, but damn, I would get so horny for a guy who knew enough about my cycle to lube me up on certain days without my prompting.

And if you’re anything like me, you’ll need to track your ovulation so you can keep your schedule clear during that 3–7 day window. That’s when you’re gonna want to pull an all-out fuckfest with your man.

Guys, here are some great things to know when having sex with an ovulating woman (though keep in mind that, of course, this isn’t true for everyone and I’m speaking in generalizations):

• We’re super horny at this time of the month. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your family goals) we are also super fertile at this time.
• It is so easy to climax during ovulation. And to climax over and over and over and over and over again.
• We smell fucking great down there — like someone accidentally tipped over a bottle of honey into our laps on a windy summer afternoon and a few disheveled blossoms* from nearby flowers got stuck on our vulvas. Really, you won’t want to take your nose out of there.
• We also taste really good at that time of the month. Do with that information what you will…
• We are so lubed up that our panties are pretty much wet all day long during this phase. It makes for very juicy, delicious friction.
• Our bodies are extra sensitive. Touching or kissing our necks can send us into a sexual frenzy. Our breasts and nipples are achingly perceptive, and particularly craving your touch. And I cannot even begin to describe the electricity of a vagina juiced up on ovulatory hormones. Every time you move in and out, it feels like flint striking steel, a thousand sparks being lit, flames licking at our insides, working up to a full-blown bonfire… Penetrative sex is never so cataclysmically glorious as it is during ovulation.

Ladies, hopefully, you are already familiar with your cycle, or getting there.

Men, maybe I have convinced you, if for no other reason than how magnificent it is to understand that you can wake up one morning, realize your partner is on Day 13 of her cycle, and know that you can walk into the kitchen with no pants on, bend her over the counter, and fuck her brains out, and she’ll probably love it. (Though don’t take my word on that. Maybe that’s just me…)

There’s only one thing I want to avoid here and that’s the notion that a guy should pay attention to his female partner’s cycle just because he thinks he has to emotionally “handle” her during PMS and her period.

Let’s please remember that a woman’s emotional cycle is a totally legitimate experience. She’s not “moody” or “crazy” or “prone to overreactions.” No, she’s dealing with genuine physical changes in her body that affect how she feels physically and emotionally.

It’s wonderful for a man to be aware and supportive of that. Give her a little extra nurturing during this time. Ask if you can help her with chores. Ask if you can massage her breasts.

But whatever you do, don’t emotionally tiptoe around a woman who is bleeding or about to. Don’t patronize her, don’t treat her like she’s a landmine, and don’t judge her.

Now, my feral friends, go forth and know yourselves and your cycles. And take advantage of that knowledge to enjoy yourself to the fullest in the bedroom.

© Yael Wolfe 2019

*This phrase is an allusion to the poem i have seen her a stealthily frail by e.e. cummings.