Edging the Orgasm Gap

Let’s fill it with the truth

I have a theory about why edging is favored more widely by men. We tend to eroticize the unfamiliar and foreign, the bizarre and sometimes even our fears.

When practiced mindfully, concepts that may sound terrifying in real life can be flipped on their heads, to where they become thrilling and deeply arousing.

Kink can be defined as the erotification of the unusual

I once read a letter to sex columnist Savage Love, in which a guy wanted his boyfriend to tie his sweaty, post-jog sneakers around his face as foreplay.

Yup, that’s pretty bizarre. But I’m not one to kink-shame; As long as you stay SSC (safe, sane, consensual), I’ll never yuck your yum!

The orgasm gap is real

For the majority of men, who’s issue is more commonly in line with trying not to climax too fast, the thought of being brought to the edge — again and again — and not cum might sound scary as hell. Perhaps because of its outlandishness, the idea carries the same kind of exotic allure.

To most men, the idea of not cumming might be about as bizarre as having a pair of soggy sneakers tied to their faces during sex.

Yes, I’m generalizing; I know that guys can struggle to climax too. But for your average, healthy man, this isn’t a persistent issue. For many women it is:

According to a 2016 study (…) that looked at over 52,500 adults in the US — including those who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual — 95% of heterosexual men reported they usually or always orgasmed during sex, compared to 65% of heterosexual women, who were the least likely. — The ‘orgasm gap’: Why it exists and what women can do about it, by Julie Compton /NBCnews.com

I didn’t have an orgasm with a partner until I was 33

That headline was never written by a man, but I’ve seen plenty of similar articles and statements made by women. Fortunately, this wasn’t written by me.

I faked it 80% of the time with my ex, over the course of ten years

That one, on the other hand—I could have written.

Life on the edge is less thrilling than it sounds

For (many) women, who’ve basically been edging our ways through large portions of our sex lives, the concept is (…) less appealing. When brought to the edge, we generally don’t go;

—Hey, why don’t you pause for a while and then start over?

Nu-uh!

When we get there we’re like;

—Don’t you dare stop doing exactly what you’re doing until I finish!

Except we won’t say it out loud. We’ll just think it in our heads, on repeat, praying they’ve picked up telepathy by now.

Women don’t fetishize the lack of orgasms, for the same reason we don’t fetishize brushing our teeth*.

We eroticize the unusual, remember?

(*Though, while researching further, I came across not only one or two, but three articles by traceybyfire, Meaghan Ward, and Emma Austin that all challenge this statement.)

We are many

I know I’m not alone having laid on my back for ‘far too long’ thinking, please, can I just cum, while flipping through my entire mental catalog of fantasies and past lovers, in search of something to push me over the edge.

I’m not alone in having felt guilty or worried that my partner might be bored to death, that their tongues must have gone numb, that their necks are hurting, or that I might smell or taste weird.

I also know I’m not alone in having held the exact guidelines on how to get me there at the very tip of my tongue — too scared or shy to say them out loud — too afraid to seem demanding or ungrateful, and perhaps hurt someone’s feelings.

I bet countless orgasms have been quelled under the loud buzzing of anxious minds; euphoria crushed under the strains of stress and anguish.

From the time we are young, women are told to be nice. To be polite. To smile more often, to not curse or confront, to be pleasant — and most of all, to make others feel comfortable, writes Jessica Valenti in her article The Niceness Trap.

Said trap plays a large part in perpetuating the big-O gap.

Speaking up could cause discomfort, and we certainly don’t want to be the cause of that!

The lies we tell

Sometimes, after we’ve flipped through fantasies, fretted, feared and censored ourselves, while trying to employ sheer mind-power to control the movements of our partner’s tongues, all in vain; some of us—when we accept that the finish line is not even in sight—choose to fake it.

Unfortunately, ‘fake it till you make it’ doesn’t work in bed

See, when we’ve lied once, we gotta stick to our stories. We can’t be bursting in screaming porn-star-ecstacy from straight-penetration, and then suddenly stop. Once we’ve painted that picture, it can’t be erased. Left with two choices, we either keep up the spiel or come clean and admit that we’ve been a complete fraud. The latter is harder to do.

When it comes to sex, it’s ‘fake it till you can’t take it’

—But better yet, just don’t!

I did in my last long-term relationship, and it blew (all but my load): I faked it from the beginning and kept it up. For a decade. Talk about a scam!

I pretended to cum from vaginal penetration only, which is incredibly rare for me—and the vast majority of women worldwide. Then, when he went to the bathroom to clean up, I’d rub one out in the two minutes he was gone.

When we fake it, we’re not only dishonest, we sabotage ourselves, and our chances of shared pleasure with our partner.

My current partner was lied to, most of his life

When we met he admitted to me that until recently he thought all women could climax just from penetration. Not until he started dating in more sex-positive circles and meeting women who were vocal about their needs, did he realize that he’d been lied to—by statistically 82% of his partners, for a decade and a half.

Since then, he’s become an avid researcher and devotee of the art of female pleasure: I’m embarrassed that I didn’t know some of these things, he’ll say.

But surely, he alone is not to blame for that.

Sometimes we lie by omission

Suck my dick, was a frequent request from the ex-lover of a close friend. He didn’t say it in a demeaning way, but firmly and with unwavering confidence.

It pissed her off, and not because of what he was requesting — she actually enjoyed sucking his dick, a lot. What pissed her off was the ease with which he asked to be pleased, the way that he wished for, while she herself kept her mouth shut.

She wanted more than anything to voice her wishes, but the words didn’t make it past her lips. Trapped, they’d grind through her head: Please, to the left a little, use your tongue, softly, but firm…

She thought that speaking up might inconvenience him. She didn’t feel comfortable taking up that much space. She didn’t feel safe enough to open up to him.

Who’s to blame?

My findings on this topic unanimously agree that it’s evolution’s fault. This makes sense: The male orgasm is selected, simply because the male must ejaculate to produce offspring. The survival of our species relies on male pleasure.

Now, ladies, let’s all close our eyes for a second and imagine a world where the opposite was true… Sigh!

The female orgasm is a much-disputed mystery, and is, not unlike the pointless male nipple (…), argued to be an evolutionary by-product. While its direct function is under debate, some suggest that when the female is also brought to climax, she will want sex more frequently. Others believe it forges stronger bonds between partners. I can personally validate both claims.

We’ve established the cause of the gap, along with some of the factors that perpetuate it. Now what?

Let’s say women are more ‘complicated’

Let’s accept that the female orgasm is more elusive. Women’s sexual anatomy is, in general, a tad more complex. (Many will argue that this is not only true anatomically speaking).

It’s more to it, though.

Most girls will know, even before they’re sexually active, how to bring a man to climax. Surely, individual preferences are vast, yet, the basic procedure is straightforward. Or shall I say, (multiple repetitions of) up-and-down?

The reason why women know more about getting a man off isn’t simply because the man is easier to figure out. The lack of education and even hurtful misinformation doesn’t help, such as the Freudian theory that the clitoral orgasm is infantile and immature compared to its vaginal counterpart.

Further, mainstream media and especially porn, keep up a picture that doesn’t match reality. And whether we know that this is real or not, it keeps insisting on, what Freud deems, the more mature orgasm as the norm.

Let’s build a bridge!

I support Marie Forleo’s statement saying that everything is figureoutable. And while that’s not even a real word, it applies well here.

So let’s get to the good news:

Guys like to figure stuff out

This is obviously not just true for men. Still, I’ve yet to meet a guy who doesn’t like to get all technical and nerdy about something, whether it be how to extract the perfect pour-over coffee, installing a multitude of technical gadgets or building a bike from scratch.

The vagina is definitely ‘figureoutable’

There’s no end to what we can figure out when we’re interested and put our minds to it. This is the key; our heads must be in the game. And frankly, while vaginas may seem cabalistic to the novice, they’re really not that hard to crack. Compared to some of the challenges listed above, they’re a piece of pie!

To the men*

*I’m saying men, because the orgasm-gap is predominantly a heterosexual phenomenon, but the following is applies to anyone interested in pleasuring someone with a vagina.

Nerd-out on the pussy

Perhaps a reason why we so fearlessly attack practical challenges elsewhere is that they’re not attached to a living being. Our bikes won’t tell us that we’ve screwed the crank on wrong, and thus we’re less afraid to try, fail, and try some more.

How about approaching sex a bit more like we’d go about building that bike? We wouldn't acquire the parts and give up as soon as we ran into an obstacle. We’d research and experiment, read articles, take workshops and ask for help until we got it right.

It’s the only sensible thing to do. Not just for bike-building, but for sex too.

Dive in there, become a pussy nerd and learn all there is to know—and don’t be afraid to ask!

Make her feel safe to speak

How come we so easily divulge our preferences in all areas—except in one of the most essential and important ones?

It’s lunatic that something so natural and so commonplace remains so difficult and to talk about. We should aim to get to a point where it’s just as easy for a woman to tell her partner(s) how she likes her pussy eaten, as it is to tell them how she wants her taco stuffed (…).

Many women are hesitant to be vocal about their pleasure. Having been taught to be nice and not cause discomfort, not take up space or be too demanding, this makes sense. Some, consciously or not, may not feel like they deserve pleasure. Crazy right?

Further, women may have been hushed and experienced situations where speaking up causes discord due to hurt feelings and egos.

When we feel safe to speak, we learn that open and honest straightforwardness will not be punished, but rewarded.

Ask your partner how she likes to be pleased, and let her know that you care about her pleasure and that nothing she says can upset you. Without putting pressure on her to orgasm, ask for her feedback before, during, after and between sex.

Make her feel safe and seen.

Let’s start talking about sex and pleasure like it’s the normal thing that it is. Let’s talk about it over tacos. And remember; a relaxed woman is an orgasmic woman.

Pray to the pussy!

I’ve been lucky to have had lovers who do what I like to refer to as praying to the pussy. And let me tell you, this makes all the difference—not just for me, but for them too.

The scientists theorizing the function of the female orgasm to be forging stronger bonds between lovers are definitely onto something. Experiencing deep levels of pleasure, and even euphoria, together quickly becomes addictive, to everyone involved.

I believe there’s a difference between those who have met ‘the goddess’ and those who haven’t. Those who have will dip in and reach for her again and again, licking their fingers and smacking their lips as they do.

Look to Joe Duncan for inspiration, who seems to have met her on his first encounter, described poetically in this article:

I’ll never forget that sweet stench, it was the ripe perfume of a goddess…it smelled like pure sexuality incarnate…I wanted that moment to last forever.

I thrust forward, diving in without ever stopping to hold my breath…

There was something natural about kissing it…something real, something that spoke to the inner-man within me, calling back to some Paleolithic ancestor, the artifacts of whom lie hidden, lurking like in my DNA. […] It was simultaneously spiritual and human. It was as if, suddenly, the whole universe made sense…

We’re taught that men give and women receive. Men penetrate and women are being penetrated. This is true in a physiological sense, but by being received, he is also receiving—by entering, he’s being held; embraced.

Those who have not found the feminine divine, go search for her! Let yourself be embraced. Pray to her as your goddess—and I can guarantee that you’ll receive too .

These three L’s are really where it’s at

1. Learn: Study to become a pussy-nerd 2. Listen: Create a safe sanctuary for communication 3. Love: Praise and worship the divine feminine

Ladies, let’s talk!

I’ll rephrase my favorite haiku written by word-witch Jessi Roman: Let’s together clear our throat chakras. Let’s dislodge Patriarchy’s useless, impotent dick from our mouths, and speak clearly and without shame.

Let’s stop lying and start speaking our truths

Let’s free ourselves from centuries of guilt, of feelings of unworthiness, of acting decently to soothe others while we undermine ourselves. Let’s stop taking responsibility for the comfort of others at the cost of our own. Let’s claim agency of our sexualities.

Let’s rid ourselves of outdated belief systems that tell us that we are not worthy and let’s start believing that we do deserve.

This is not a call for selfishness

This is not a call to abandon compassion. On the contrary, compassion for ourselves breeds further compassion for others.

When it comes to sex and orgasms, this means, let’s talk about what we want and what makes us feel good, as well as what doesn’t. Let’s stop censoring ourselves in order not to be too much. Let’s not accept pain as a necessary evil and let’s start expecting pleasure as the status quo.

Let’s not get stuck in a game of pretending because it’s easier or more agreeable.

Let’s be goddamn real!

As for edging…

I’m willing to give the whole thing another chance, knowing that my partner won’t leave me hanging over the cliff, but is there to help get me over to the other side…eventually.

I’ve faked my last orgasm

Faking it is a thing of the past: gone are the days of pretending, lying, censoring and generally tiptoeing around sensitivities and fragile egos, in order not to be an inconvenience.

I’m rapidly making up for all of my quelled and crushed climaxes: I’m filling the gap with the sound of my voice. I’m building a bridge with my truth.

Ladies and gents, goddesses and warriors, the other side is in sight—let’s keep building together!