If You Don’t Lick, You Can Suck It!

How can you be her lover if you’re appalled by a part of her?

— I’m not into licking.

— You mean, you don’t go down on women? Why not?

— I don’t know… it turns me off.

— Huh? Why?

— It makes me feel like this: [insert picture of a cow licking a mineral block].

Yes, this happened. Luckily not to me, but to a girlfriend of mine, which doesn’t make it any better. Needless to say, this was as far as she went with him.

I was told the story because cow-boy had messaged me too, and so I reached out to my trusted group of kinky girlfriends to ask if they knew him. I wasn’t actually interested, but he’d been lurking around my social profiles, and since the scene is small our sisterly screening system is near-foolproof.

Turned out, he was an even bigger goon than my first impression had led me to believe.

There’s a colossal difference between tapping into your inner sex slave for the night, and actually being seen as one.

Your typical wannabe macho-“dominant”, carefully hiding his insecurities behind oiled up and suntanned six-pack selfies, he displays a list of his fetishes on the kinky social network Fetlife which happens to “deep-throating”, “forcing her down on your cock til she gags, letting her up for air, and then doing it again”. Further it boasts “objectification”, “sexual slavery”, and, yes, “making her eyeliner run as you fuck her face”…

How charming!

I mean, our kinks are our kinks and they’re not something we should feel ashamed of. Personally, I don’t see a problem with cow-boy’s desires in themselves; I’ve even written about my own love of deepthroating and I can certainly get off on a good dose of (prenegotiated) humiliation.

But! There’s a colossal difference between tapping into your inner sex slave for the night, and actually being seen as one. Period.

And, there’s a major flashing, red light over the head of a guy who gets turned on from restraining you and forcing his cock down your throat as makeup runs down your face—but, finds cunnilingus a turn-off. Or worse, it makes him feel like a farm animal — and not in a good way.

Without a doubt, this guy is not my type.

I’m not telling anyone, men or women, to perform any sex act they’re not comfortable with — ever. Our traumas are real and valid and so are our fears, hang up, and inhibitions.

If you had bad experiences in the past and are hesitant, but willing to look at healing those wounds, sure, I’ll work with you.

If a lack of confidence and doubting your abilities is holding you back, sure, I’ll be your patient guide.

I’d even be ok if it isn’t your favorite thing in the world. We can work on that, and I’ve experienced lovers go from lukewarm lickers to pussy worshippers before, so I know there’s potential.

But even the scenarios above come with the disclaimer, “if I see the potential, and I really like you. A lot”.

It’s not simply about the act of licking itself. It goes a lot deeper than that. Your unwillingness to go down on me tells me a lot about you as a person, and frankly, that person is very likely not my person.

My type of person not only accepts but adores and desires every part of me. They find my pussy beautiful — magical even. They lust for all of my sweet juices, and approach with primal hunger, licking their fingers and moaning as if devouring a fine delicacy.

When I bleed, they say things like, “what kind of ignorant man would not want a woman on her most sensitive days?” (A lover said this and I swooned). Then he’ll go at it, with ardor, and come out, swathed in blood, sweat, and cum, just to seal it all with a sloppy kiss.

They lust for all of my sweet juices, and approach with primal hunger, licking their fingers and moaning as if devouring a fine delicacy.

The best ones aren’t put off by any part of me. When I hear words like “wow, I never really did much rimming before, but with you it’s different. I just want all of you”, then yes, I know that you’re my kind of person. “Yes, baby, take all of me!”

Nothing makes me feel safe, and as a result, uninhibited in bed like the feeling of utter acceptance; a desire that transcends any notion of imprudence. My person is nasty as hell and I love it!

My person also licks the sweat from my armpits, slurps up my saliva, and cleans my toes with his tongue without hesitation. Just like I do them — avec plaisir!

The confident and self-assured Dominant doesn’t equate ‘going down’ to being ‘below’, but understands that true dominance is a mind game more than a choreographed play of positions and props.

A close friend in the BDSM scene has a Dom who’s completely nuts for her feet. While in the community, ‘foot-worship’ is traditionally seen as an act of submission, it needn’t be. As my friend says, “it doesn’t matter what you do, but how you do it”.

My type of person doesn’t view cunnilingus as unmanly and seconds Joe Duncan’s sentiment in his article on redefining dominance: “What could possibly be more manly than having femininity incarnate in your face as you bring a woman to her knees, giving her an almost out-of-body experience with the soft patters of your tongue and gentle caresses of your face?”

The confident and self-assured Dominant doesn’t equate ‘going down’ to being ‘below’, but understands that true dominance is a mind game.

It shouldn’t need further mention, but all people dating women should know that at least 75% of us never orgasm from penetration alone. How could anyone be crude enough to call themselves ‘lovers’ unless they respect and accommodate this straightforward biological fact?

My kind of person is a feminist who firmly believes in gender equality, even when we push boundaries and play with power exchange. With that comes ‘fairness’ in bed and a commitment to mutual pleasure. This doesn’t mean we keep tabs on a scoreboard or that some days won’t be ‘uneven’, but there’ll be no orgasm-gap present in our relationship.

If you’re someone who won’t go down, I can confidently say that you’re missing out, not just on the wondrous scents, flavors, and juices of her pussy (FYI, I’ve been ‘there’ too and speak from experience) but on your partner’s pleasure—which frankly, should be paramount. And reciprocated.

You’re also missing out on a lover’s ability to let loose and unleash their uninhibited passion, which in turn will amplify your own pleasure—manifold. You’re missing out on closeness and intimacy that is only possible when your partner feels safe in your unwavering acceptance and desire for them.

Hearing my friend’s cow-boy story made it even more clear to me that while I may be flexible in many areas, this is one where I won't budge.

If a guy told me he doesn’t, and won’t ever lick, I’d definitely tell him to suck it!