If I Was to Give You the Best Blowjob

I’d do a little sumpin’ like this…

—Blowjobs are like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still good.

I’ve run into this saying a few times lately, and it’s made me think. I don’t know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a blowjob, but I do know what it’s like to eat sub-par pizza.

When I was younger, I gladly ate any random pizza. I was often tipsy when eating it anyway; hungry after a night out at some bar, I picked up whatever I could find on the way home.

These days, mediocre pizza doesn’t appeal to me. I mean, it is ok, but I’d rather have pizza less often, and save myself (aka the calories) for when I can indulge in the very best of the best; proper, stone-oven baked, Neopolitan pizza.

If you’ve read my writing, you might know that I’m not a believer in overly specific sex tips telling you that “this is the only or ultimate way to do so-and-so”. But then again, there are certain things that can be done to elevate a pizza from meh to magnificent.

Ok, back to the BJ, if I was to cook up one of my best, I imagine I’d do something like this:

I might sneak up on you as you’re resting, face down on the bed after a shower. Then, approaching you from behind, I’d get down on all fours and trace my tongue, slowly, all along the inside of your thighs until I reach your crack.

Moving further up, I’d follow your firm cheeks to the small of your back. Changing directions, I’d move down, and then up again, feeling the soft hairs brushing against the tip of my tongue, while listening to the deepening of your breath; noticing you squirming a beneath me.

—You’re a little ticklish, but just enough that it feels really good.

Traveling all the way up to your neck, I’d find your left ear to trace it, from the bottom and around the edge, while breathing heavily—meeting and matching your breath—before moving back down to give your lobe a little nibble.

—You’d moan and squirm some more.

While doing that, my right-hand would reach back down to stroke the part of your balls still accessible between your legs.

—What’s that? A gasp?

My head would join to nozzle my face all the way in there; my tongue replacing my hand.

Then, grabbing your hips, I’d signal you to flip over to release your hard cock, making it joyfully bounce back to rest on your belly.

— Oh, hi there, beautiful cock! I can see that you want it, but you’re gonna have to wait, I’ve got testicles to suck on.

Again, I’d approach slowly, catlike, while looking into your eyes.

Licking them, gently, at first, from one to the next, I’d start drawing an infinity sign with my tongue, encircling each testicle—back and forth, back and forth—before putting them in my mouth: First one, then the next, then both at the same time.

—Oh, you like that don’t you?

Eventually, I’d come further up, still taking my time. I’ve got a thing for anticipation; I like making you wait for it.

Starting at the base of your shaft I’d move up and down, but stopping just before reaching your apex. I’d do that several times, making sure I’d cover every part.

To be even more of a tease, I’d lick your belly, as if drawing the outline of your cock with my tongue. All the way at the top, I’d open my mouth wide, over the head, and breathe warm breath onto it—without making skin contact.

—I like how that makes you shudder. Patience, my love, patience!

Back at base-camp, I’d grab you firmly and pull down to expose that glistening glans. My tongue would then encircle its bottom edges, causing the first propitious drops of precum trickle from the tip.

— We’ve both waited long enough!

Suddenly I’d be the one unable to wait, and I’d take all of you in my mouth, in big chomp, eagerly sucking that slick cap.

Sliding up and down, I’d swirl my tongue around, while looking up to meet your gaze.

Deepening with each dive, I’d eventually swallow you as far as I can, several times, until your dick is drenched and dripping with my saliva—giving me plenty to work with for what’s to come.

— You’re moaning and breathing deeper. I’m moaning with, feeling myself getting wetter.

My hand, gliding easily, would move faster now, following the motions of my mouth.

The entire time, my tongue would twirl around the tip, sometimes, sucking harder as to draw even more blood into your already rock-hard member.

Because I’d be enjoying it so much, I’d want it to last. Therefore, I’d take small breaks to gently lick and tease you while looking into your eyes with a slight smirk.

—I really like eye contact…and when yours start to dart to the back of your head.

Returning to the faster motions, I’d go quicker—and quicker—and quicker still, settling into a steady stride.

Feeling myself drip down my inner thighs, I’d do a fast-flip around to offer you a taste. Knowing that you’re extra sensitive on the front side, this angle would make you moan deeper, and cause your breathing to quicken.

Already so turned on and enjoying your tongue on me too, I’d soon catch up, and we’d both be right at the edge.

Moments before, I’d pull up and hop forward, burying all of you, deep inside. There, touching myself while riding you, I’d give you a first-row show of my bouncing butt.

Listening to you, making sure we’d be on parallel tracks, the performance would quickly come to close. Reaching the zenith, we’d collapse in mutual exultation.

—Ahhhhhhh-yesssss!

Breathing together, slick skin-to-skin, we’d descend down to eventually start our days…

Keeping in mind that there are endless types of toppings and even styles of pizza — like the New York slice or Chicago Deep Dish — this is just one flavor of blowjob that I enjoy. What matters most is the care and enthusiasm that goes into it.