Why I Want To Be In A Relationship

When the rubber hits the road, can I do it better this time?

Now that I’ve been alone for a few years, I’ve become comfortable with myself. I’ve worked through a number of my issues.

I’m feeling good. I’m enjoying who I am. I’m happy.

Although my alone time has been great, what I’d like more than anything is to share my happiness with someone else. I know I can be me and be confident when I’m alone, but where the rubber hits the road will be to discover if I can do this in a relationship with a man.

I’ve done a crap ton of growth work on my own, but testing this growth happens within a relationship. Can the comfort level I feel I’ve achieved and all the issues I’ve worked through remain intact when I’m with a man? Or will I fall into my old patterns of behavior?

I will only know the answers to these questions and a few others when I’m in a relationship with someone.

Can I be me?

When I was in my marriage, I couldn’t be myself. I changed who I was to fit the person he needed me to be. The ways in which I bent and contorted myself resembled an act in a Cirque du Soleil performance.

It was pure craziness.

Now that I’ve been alone a while, the real me has come out of hiding. She’s surfaced. She’s back.

And the real me wants to be in a relationship to feel the comfort of mutual acceptance. To be in a space where both of us can be who we are.

I know I can be myself when I’m all alone. That’s easy.

The question is can I do so while in a relationship? Can I remain strong and confident enough to be my quirky self? Can I be me?

Can I do better?

In my marriage, I often deferred to my ex. I rarely challenged him when he deflected and avoided my questions. I sacrificed my own needs for his.

I was timid. I accommodated. I backed down even when my mind questioned the things he did. I had no set boundaries for what I would and wouldn't tolerate.

I just wanted to keep the peace.

And in staying quiet, I realize now there was an imbalance of power in our marriage. I know my pattern was unhealthy and I want to be in a relationship so I have the chance to do better this time.

Since I’ve been on my own, I’m beginning to advocate for myself. I’m learning I can express my needs with kindness. I’m saying yes to things that work for me and no to things that don’t.

But can I hold a boundary within a relationship? Can I handle the discomfort of not keeping the peace? Can I do better this time?

Can I ask for what I want in bed?

Let’s not forget the sex. I want to be in a relationship because I love the physical part.

I love to feel the weight of a man’s body on mine. His skin on my skin. Getting to know each other's shapes. Every curve. Every crevice.

In my marriage, I felt self-conscious asking for what felt good to me. I was worried I may hurt his feelings when I told him if something didn’t feel right.

There’s a craving in me to have a man explore my body from my pinkie toe to my forehead and for me to explore his body as well. To experience his tastes and textures. To take our time and enjoy each other.

I‘d like to be able to ask for what I want, but can I? Can I speak up while in the heat of the moment and say down there, please? A little more to the right. More of this and less of that. Right…there. Yes.

Can we be partners?

Most of all, I want to be in a relationship because I want to experience the joy of partnership. That we’re in it together. That we’re in it to win it

I’ve always been more of a giver. Receiving has been a struggle for me. I’d like to experience a healthier balance between the two — to give with generosity and receive with gratitude and grace.

I want to be able to have hard yet healthy conversations — ones where we seek to understand the other. Conversations that seek to clarify. Conversations that are open and honest. Conversations that build trust.

I wasn’t able to do either of these in my marriage. I gave too much and felt uncomfortable receiving. We avoided hard conversations.

Being in a partnership-type relationship is now my goal. I know I’m capable of giving. But can I be better at receiving? Can I have hard conversations without backing away?

I won’t know the answers to any of my questions until I try with someone. And I want the chance to try.

Sometimes I don’t think men understand the power they have. Or maybe it’s the power I let them have.

They will always be stronger than me physically. This is both comforting and scary. It feels good to walk down the street with a man and feel safe. If something were to happen, he’d be there to protect me.

But it can also be intimidating. If he wanted to, he could easily overpower me with his actions.

I want to be in a relationship with a man who understands his power. Someone who uses it to protect. Someone strong yet tender. Confident and kind.

But especially, I want to be with someone who wants to practice being in a healthy relationship with me. It’s only through practice that I’ll get better at this relationship thing. I want to experience the growth that’s possible within the context of a loving relationship.

Even though I haven't been a part of a long-term healthy one yet, I believe I can do the things needed to achieve one.

But until that man shows up and I can practice with him, I won’t know for sure. When he does, I’ll begin to discover the answers to my questions.

When the rubber hits the road, can I do it better this time?

Kasey Sparks, © 2021