The Amazing Grace Of An Affair’s End

It healed a boundaryless people-pleaser like me.

I’m a recovering boundaryless people-pleaser.

In my marriage, all my wounds happened on the inside. My heart held a boatload of hurt feelings. I was a people-pleaser and had no boundaries set to protect myself. Because of this, I wasn’t comfortable communicating my needs and expressing all of my emotions.

So I did what any boundaryless people-pleaser in an unhealthy relationship does.

I stuffed them down.

But they were always there just below the surface. Keeping all those hurts and emotions stuffed inside me was like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. I managed this feat quite successfully for many years.

Then I had an affair.

And that beach ball popped up and smacked me in the face.

“Wake up,” it quipped. “This is wrong and cannot continue.”

My rational mind knew I needed to make some changes but my affair felt so good that I resisted what the beach ball and my mind were trying to tell me.

What I knew

The one change my rational mind did manage to get through to me was that my marriage had to end. It was an unrepairable mess. There were too many wrongs that could never be made right again.

I also knew my affair had to end, but I struggled to do so. I was sure we were soulmates, twin flames, and all that other woo-woo stuff. We had an undeniable connection.

And I knew that somehow I was finally finding the courage to stand up for myself. Doing so was cathartic. It was like coming out of hibernation into the warm spring sun.

I felt alive. I felt like I was becoming myself again.

What I couldn't yet see

Although my affair partner also felt a strong connection between us, he told me had no intention of leaving his wife. My rational mind heard what he was saying, but I didn’t want to see it. My mind knew we’d never have a real relationship, yet I struggled to stop what we were doing.

I made many feeble attempts to end it.

I’d change his name on my phone to “unavailable” to remind me of his status.

I’d tell myself to be strong and to stop reaching out to him.

I’d berate myself for being the other woman.

But I kept coming back.

Why?

Because while I was in the affair part of me was still operating in my boundaryless people-pleaser mode. I’d begun the process of healing that part of me, but it hadn’t quite stuck. I’d tried on the clothes of self-worth when I finally stood up for myself and left my former husband but hadn’t yet made them a part of my everyday wardrobe.

And I mistakenly clung to the idea that the affair was the reason I was finally expressing myself and feeling again, instead of the fact that I’d finally stopped holding down that beach ball. I hadn’t yet connected that my good feelings were coming from my growing self-worth and not from him.

How it ended

It took my affair partner to finally say game over for it to end. He’s the one who put a “no more” boundary in place.

Ending it was painful because I still clung to the idea that he was my connection to all the good I was feeling. The loss made my insides feel like a dark empty hole. I felt alone, raw, and gutted.

It was the kind of pain that couldn’t be cured with ibuprofen. I couldn’t drink it away or sleep it away. Those methods weren’t going to work, because once again I’d be shoving that beach ball of emotions underwater. If I was ever going to heal, I could no longer avoid the pain by stuffing it down.

I had to walk through it.

What I see now

In the end, I wouldn’t say I walked through the pain. I fought, cried, and lamented my way through it to the point that I wore myself out. I became tired of resisting and finally relented. I gave in to what my mind and that beach ball had been trying to get me to see all along.

I see now that my insides had been in terrible shape. Holding down that beach ball full of emotions to please others and not rock the boat did me no good.

I see now how exhausting and damaging that feat was. I see now how in doing so, I was ignoring the truth of my marriage.

I see now that although my affair may have been the catalyst behind the beach ball popping up, it wasn’t the source of all the good I was feeling. It was just the spark that ignited the fire of much-needed change within me.

And ultimately, I see now that my affair’s end and the beach ball popping up were pointing me towards the need to heal. They were telling me it was time to start loving myself enough to set boundaries for what I will and won’t tolerate and to stop engaging in behaviors that don’t align with my values.

It was time to start wearing the clothes of self-worth every day.

My affair’s end and that beach ball smack in the face were like amazing grace.

They saved and healed a boundaryless people-pleaser like me.

Kasey Sparks, © 2021