Summary

The article reflects on the perspective of the "other woman" in an affair, who comes to understand and advocate for the importance of communication and appreciation in a marriage, ultimately hoping for the reconciliation and strengthening of the husband's marriage.

Abstract

The author of the article, presumably the "other woman," shares insights gained from her relationship with a married man. Initially, she harbored hopes of a future with him, but through honest conversations, she realized that he deeply cared for his wife and desired a loving and appreciated connection with her. The author emphasizes the simplicity of a husband's needs, akin to a dog's, such as feeling loved, appreciated, and understood. She suggests that the wife should acknowledge her husband's efforts, engage in intimate play, and make the marriage worth his commitment. The article underscores the husband's loyalty and the potential for marital repair, urging the wife to forgive him for straying and to work together on improving their relationship.

Opinions

The author believes that the husband's needs in the marriage are fundamental and straightforward, similar to those of a loyal dog.
She opines that consistent verbal appreciation (saying "good boy") for the husband's actions is crucial for a healthy relationship.
The author stresses the importance of physical intimacy ("frolic and play") as a fundamental need for the husband, equivalent to basic necessities like food and water.
She suggests that the husband's affair was a test of the marriage's "worth-it-ness" and that the relationship can be salvaged if both partners invest in it.
The author commends the husband for choosing to remain committed to his marriage despite the affair and views his choice as a sign of loyalty.
She advocates for forgiveness and understanding rather than punishment for the husband's infidelity, emphasizing the need for open communication to rebuild the relationship.
The author expresses a desire for the wife to recognize her husband's efforts to please her and to see the good in him, as she herself has come to see.

INFIDELITY, LIFE LESSONS

Insights To His Wife From The Other Woman

Your husband is a good dog.

I’m guessing I was an unusual affair partner.

In the beginning, of course, my intentions weren’t noble. I wanted him to leave his wife and live happily ever after with me.

But after many honest conversations about the struggles within our marriages and why we were doing what we were doing, I began to see I was a substitute for what he really wanted. I began to see that he cared deeply for his wife.

And I began to see that what he really wanted was to feel loved, appreciated, and understood by her.

In the end, I wanted that for him, too. I knew my marriage was over, but I believed his marriage still had a chance. Our relationship ended with me holding on to the hope that the two of them could repair what was broken.

There were many times when I wished I could’ve picked up the phone and called his wife. Not to bring her pain, but to tell her what I knew he either wanted to say and somehow couldn’t or had tried to say but was misunderstood.

I wanted to tell her that her husband reminded me of a dog, which I mean in the kindest way. Like a dog, he has simple needs. Dogs are easy to please and they want to please us as well. They want us to be happy. They live in the moment and are quick to forgive.

He was all these things.

And if I could’ve picked up the phone and called her, here’s what I’d have said:

Remember to say “good boy”

When our dog does something that pleases us, we let him know with a sweet-sounding “good boy”. Your husband needs to hear this, too.

When he does something you appreciate, remember to let him know. Tell him you appreciate that he shoveled the walk, brought home the milk, mowed the lawn, and put the toilet seat down.

Express your gratitude to him genuinely. This isn’t a time for sass or sarcasm. Say it with a smile and a scratch beyond his ears and mean it.

He needs to frolic and play with you

Like a dog, your husband needs time to frolic and play. And for him, some of this frolicking and playing needs to happen in the bedroom. Your husband doesn’t just want this. He needs it.

Read that again.

He NEEDS it.

He needs it like food, clean water, and exercise. For him, it’s a need, not a want. This is how he expresses his love for you. It opens him up to his feelings.

And he wants to be doing it with YOU.

I know, because I asked him.

Yep, I asked him if he wanted to be frolicking and playing with you. He answered, yes, if it meant something to you. Problem is, right now it doesn’t seem like it matters to you.

I asked him if he talked to you about this. He said he tried but it can be hard. It hurts to approach your wife with your tail-a-waggin’, wanting to express your love for her physically and to be shooed away.

Be open to his invitations. He needs to frolic and play with you.

Make it worth it for him to stay

Your husband operates on the “is-it-worth-it” principle. He puts things on the “is-it-worth-it” scale to determine if something is worth his time, energy, and resources. Right now, your relationship is on this scale and he’s weighing it.

He strayed because he’s testing the worth-it-ness of your relationship. He’s assessing whether or not it’s worth it for him to sit and stay.

The good news is, at this point, there’s just enough there to make it worth it. And he will stay as long as there’s an inkling of worth-it-ness.

You married a good man. Make it worth it for him to stay.

He’s loyal to you

I told him what we were doing wasn’t sustainable. I asked him to make a choice and to embrace that choice.

Know what? He chose you.

He’s committed to you and he’s keeping his commitment. He’s dedicated to you. He feels a strong responsibility to take care of you.

Yes, he wandered off a bit. But he came back home to you because he’s loyal to you. When given the choice, he chose you.

Forgive him for straying

Please do not put him in the dog house for misbehaving. Yes, he messed up. We can agree on that. But ultimately he did the right thing.

Now is not the time to punish him.

Now is the time to better understand him and why he strayed in the first place. Now is time for both of you to do the work of rebuilding your relationship. Now is the time for both of you to look at what you can improve upon and do better. This starts with communicating and listening to each other with open hearts and open minds.

Of course, I never would’ve picked up the phone and called her. I’m sure hearing from me would have gone over about as well a dog bringing home a dead rabbit.

But there were times when I wished this were possible. I wished she could see how much he cared for her. I wished she could see that he was doing his best. I wished she could see he was trying to please her. I wished she could see that he wanted to feel loved and appreciated by her.

I could see the good dog in him.

And for his sake and the sake of their marriage, I wanted her to see it too.

Thank you for reading. To quote Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.” If you’d like to join me on the journey, click here. If you’d like to access thousands of writers and their soul-stirring stories on Medium, click here.

INFIDELITY, LIFE LESSONS

Insights To His Wife From The Other Woman

Your husband is a good dog.

Remember to say “good boy”

He needs to frolic and play with you

Make it worth it for him to stay

He’s loyal to you

Forgive him for straying

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