LIFE LESSONS

‘Once A Cheater Always A Cheater’ Isn’t Always True

I’m not that woman anymore.

I met someone recently who has a checkered past. He was fighting some demons in his youth. His mind wasn’t healthy and he made a not-so-good choice. He ended up spending time in prison, which he said saved his life.

He did a lot of inner work there. He came to see that he has the power within himself to be a better person than all the things his unhealthy mind led him to believe.

He’s making good life choices now. He’s sticking to what he needs to do. He attends a therapy session every week, which he’ll do for the foreseeable future.

And he told me his whole story before we met for a walk; something he has to do whenever he may potentially be alone with someone.

Despite his past, I admire and trust this man. He has a good soul. He understands now how broken he was and he never wants to be in a spot like that again. Although he believes his time in prison saved his life, he never wants to go back there. He’ll never do that thing he did again.

He’s not that man anymore.

But the implications of what he did will be with him for a long time.

In some ways, I feel like he and I share a similar story. My feelings about myself weren’t good for many years of my marriage. Although I didn’t spend time behind actual bars, there were certainly mental bars that kept me imprisoned — bars my unhealthy mind wanted me to believe.

Bars that I wasn’t lovable. Bars that I wasn’t worth the time or effort. Bars that kept me small and quiet.

Towards the end of my marriage, with my self-esteem low and my head a mess, I made the not-so-good choice to have an affair. And like my friend’s time spent in prison, the affair changed my life. It saved me.

Yet I know, like my friend, it’s an experience I never want to go through again. My affair wasn’t the answer to my problems. But it did force me to do some serious inner work.

It helped me see that all the bars that I felt imprisoned by were a construct of my unhealthy mind and that I’m capable of believing better about myself.

It helped me see that the person that needs to love me the most is myself. That I need to believe I’m worth the time and effort. That I was the one who minimized and quieted myself.

The affair made me pause and realize how unhealthy my mind had become. It helped me to envision something better for myself. And it uncovered that the power to do all of this already lives inside me.

But the implications of what I did will stay with me. What I did can be a dealbreaker for someone who’s considering entering into a relationship with me. I’m aware of this and I’m honest about it when it feels like the time has come to tell someone my story.

And although I certainly can’t speak for everyone who has an affair, I know that just because I had one doesn’t mean I will do it again. Once a cheater, always a cheater doesn’t hold true for me.

A few years ago, I came across a podcast by Eric Zimmer called “The One You Feed”. It’s based on the following parable:

A grandfather is talking with his grandson.

The grandfather says, “In life, there are two wolves inside of us which are always at battle.

One is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery, and love. The other is a bad wolf which represents things like greed, hatred, and fear”.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather replies, “The one you feed.”

This parable is a good way to sum up my friend’s early adult years and parts of my marriage. We were both feeding our bad wolves by believing and acting in ways that weren’t healthy for us.

But we’ve both shifted away from that. We can see where we’ve erred and are now doing things to feed our good wolves.

When my marriage and my affair ended, I bought myself a simple ring. I made myself my favorite dinner and picked up an amazing dessert.

I lit a candle. I had a small, personal ceremony. I’d written myself some vows and I professed them aloud.

I promised myself several things. I promised I will never again give my heart to someone who is unavailable or who doesn’t see and value my worth. That I will check in with myself often to make sure I’m continuing to feed my good wolf.

And I promised myself that I will never love myself so little that I allow someone to treat me poorly or look for someone else to uncover and affirm what’s already living inside me.

I know in my heart I won’t ever have an affair again.

I’m not that woman anymore.

Kasey Sparks, © 2021

Thank you for reading. To quote Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.” If you’d like to join me on the journey, click here. If you’d like to access thousands of writers and their soul-stirring stories on Medium, click here.

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