LIFE LESSONS, ADVICE

A Recipe For An Unhappy Marriage

Here’s how to avoid baking one up.

While riding our bikes recently, my friend opened up to me about some troubles brewing in her marriage. Unfortunately, what she shared sounded all too familiar. They reminded me of the troubles I’d faced in my now-ended marriage.

Since I’d been through some heavy-duty couple’s therapy, I thought I might be able to share a few tidbits I’d learned.

My marriage had already been mixed, baked, and burnt past the point of adding or changing any of the ingredients needed for a happy one, but maybe her marriage was still in the batter stage.

Maybe she and her husband could still bake up a blue ribbon-winning result with a few tweaks and additions.

After passing along a few suggestions, I stopped myself and said, “I’m not sure why I feel like I know the recipe for a happy marriage when I pretty much baked up a crappy one.”

“Well,” my friend replied, “maybe you could offer me a recipe for an unhappy one so I know what not to do.”

I laughed so hard I just about fell off my bike.

*NOTE*: If you’d like to avoid the following recipe for disaster, you’d be wise to heed the advice of Betty Botter. According to the tongue twister, she knew to add a bit of better butter to keep her batter from getting bitter:

Betty Botter bought some butter But she said the butter’s bitter, “If I put it in my batter It will make my batter bitter, But a bit of better butter Will make my batter better.”

With that, dear reader, I offer you this recipe along with a bit of better butter alternatives to keep your marriage batter from getting bitter.

Recipe for an Unhappy Marriage

Ingredients:

First and foremost you’ll need: 2 Disengaged Chefs

Now, gather up the following: 1 cup of Poor Communication 1 cup of Ingratitude 1 cup of Defensiveness 1 cup of Non-affection 1 heaping spoonful of Criticism

Directions:

STEP 1 — Whip up the poor communication to create assumptions and misunderstandings. Never ask your fellow chef for clarification.

Assume they leave the messy pans in the sink because they want to annoy you, not because they have no idea that it actually does annoy you.

Better butter alternatives: Communicate to understand, clarify and avoid assumptions. Express what you need while listening and responding to your fellow chef's needs.

If your fellow chef mentions that leaving messy pans in the sink is irritating to them, then clean up the damn pans.

STEP 2 — Slowly stir in ingratitude by failing to recognize and acknowledge all the nice things your partner does for you. Take for granted that they ran to the store to get the ingredient you forgot to pick up.

As this gets mixed in, you’ll begin to see a ball of resentment forming.

Better butter alternatives: To prevent this ball of resentment from forming, take the time to notice and acknowledge your fellow chef’s efforts. Let them know with words and actions that what matters to them matters to you as well.

When they arrive back from the store with the missing ingredient in hand, say a heartfelt thanks along with a peck on the cheek — or maybe reach down and give a squeeze to their other cheeks.

STEP 3 — Set the mixture aside and ignore it while it proves. When you check in with your fellow chef on what’s been growing, add in defensiveness. Neither chef should take responsibility for the developing animosity.

Better butter alternatives: Set up regular “How we doing?” dates with your fellow chef. Substitute the defensiveness with a bit of humility and self-awareness. Admit your missteps and work to do better next time.

STEP 4 — Fold in the cup of non-affection. This should be easy to do because the mixture won’t be able to absorb much love at this point.

Better butter alternatives: Know what your fellow chef needs to feel loved and try your best to fill that need. The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman offers a great starting point to begin this conversation.

STEP 5— Pour into a pan and spread a heaping spoonful of criticism over the top. Make sure this layer is thick and covers the entire surface.

Better butter alternative: Sprinkle kindness over any complaints you may have.

STEP 6 — Place in oven and walk away. The temperature doesn’t really matter. If the oven is colder, this concoction will slowly implode. If it’s on the hot side, it will quickly explode.

Better butter alternatives: Pay attention to the temperature of your relationship. Keep the oven warm and peek inside often.

An unhappy, bitter batter can be avoided by adding a bit of better butter to every step. With effort and attention, you and your fellow chef can bake up a blue-ribbon winning marriage.

Kasey Sparks, © 2021

Thank you for reading. To quote Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.” If you’d like to join me on the journey, click here. If you’d like to access thousands of writers and their soul-stirring stories on Medium, click here.

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