About Me — kasey sparks
Curiosity is the spark behind my spark // Updated August 2023
I’ve always been intensely curious.
I’m curious about the world around me, the world inside me, and the world inside others. I love to hear people’s stories — how they got from point A to point B, why they do the things they do and think the things they think.
My curiosity is never about judgment, but instead about understanding. I enjoy learning through interaction, conversations, and experiences.
As a child, I drove my dad crazy with all my curious questions. I suppose I was a bit annoying with my incessant whys, hows, and whats. When he’d finally reached his max for the day, he’d say, “Kasey, figure it out for yourself.”
The hard part with that was at the time there weren’t many options to get information other than my bicentennial edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica. There was no WWW back then.
And the other hard part was that my questions weren’t just about gaining information, but also about seeing the world through my dad’s eyes.
Unfortunately, the man I married wasn’t comfortable with my inquisitiveness. He was a very private person and he dodged and deflected my questions with all the skills of a judo master. He had thick armor around his heart and I made the mistake of thinking that time and trust would remove this barrier.
But his armor was tight and unyielding. As a result, there was very little intimacy in my marriage. With my curious nature dampened and shot down by the person I was supposed to be the closest to, I just couldn’t be myself. I’m a very happy and positive person by nature, but I wasn’t happily married.
Yet it was through the mistake of marrying someone who wasn't the best fit for me that produced two of my favorite people — my two sons.
In her book, Steering By Starlight, Martha Beck writes about looking back on our lives to see how the best things often come from choices we made that weren’t the best for us. My kids came from just such a choice. They are by far the greatest joys in my life, yet they sprung from a poor decision. Looking at my marriage this way has shifted my feelings from resentment to feelings of gratitude.
Without him, I wouldn’t have them.
About 25 years into my marriage, I had an affair. In my first post on Medium, I wrote about how this changed my life. Although there are things I did within the affair that I regret, I don’t regret the affair itself. I honestly believe that the Universe puts people or situations in our paths when we’re off course or when we’re terribly stuck and can’t move forward.
I firmly believe my affair was the cue ball that knocked me off the path I was on. It changed the trajectory of my life. It brought me to a better place. In many ways, I consider him and my affair a gift.
People often assume that my affair was what ended my marriage. It wasn’t. It was just a sign of how bad things were. Through it, I was forced to face the truth about my marriage.
And even though at that point I knew my marriage had to end, leaving was by far the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. From my kids to my friends and extended family, there were so many people who’d be affected. Leaving also made me feel like I’d failed and hadn’t tried hard enough.
But in the end, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
In his book “Notes on Love and Courage”, Hugh Prather perfectly sums up the feelings I had at the time:
“Yes, there are other considerations. There is no end to the considerations: feelings of the people involved, your word, your commitments, the possible consequences. But a time can come when there isn’t much of you left, and all you have is enough strength to act, just enough to put an end to it by turning your back and walking out.”
And although leaving was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, it also turned out to be the best.
Before I moved out, I’d never been much of a writer. But I soon discovered there was a crap ton of stuff going on inside me that needed to be processed.
I started two Google docs, one called the “D-word” and one called “The Pain of Wearing the Scarlet A”. All that I’d been stuffing down for the past 25+ years, along with the rollercoaster ride of emotions that comes from having an affair, came pouring out of me.
It was cathartic. And since then, I’ve never stopped writing.
It may seem odd coming from someone who had an affair, but relationships matter to me more than anything else. It’s one of the reasons why I had to leave my former husband. He doesn’t value relationships in the same way I do.
Because of what I write about, I use a pen name. I’d rather not have my kids and family know all the messy details about my life. I also want to protect my former affair partner. And as hard as my marriage was, I’d rather not have my former husband’s name blasted on the internet.
When I first began this writing journey I set out to explain why a person like me ended up having an affair and to spread understanding about why they happen. As I look at these early stories two years later, I see how often I pointed fingers at all the wrongs my ex did to justify my actions while ignoring the mistakes I made.
It wasn’t just my ex who could’ve done better. I could’ve too.
It’s taken time, courage, and a strong desire for truth-telling to land in this new place. To reflect this shift in viewing my story through a more honest lens, I’ve started a new series of posts told from a third-person narrative which has helped reveal my blind spots.
I also write about other life lessons I’ve gathered. I write about my divorce and the struggle of feeling stuck. I write about life’s many paradoxes. And for a fun change of pace, I write about my adventures in photography.
I write in the hopes of sparking conversations to satisfy that neverending curiosity within me.
I write with a curious and open heart. I hope you’ll read my words with a curious and open mind.
Much love, kasey sparks
Making mistakes | Gathering lessons | Sparking curiosity
kasey sparks,© 2021
Thank you for reading. To quote Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.” If you’d like to join me on the journey, click here.
